Here I am on Christmas Eve morning and I am being very naughty, stopping to sneak some time on the computer to blog. Don't tell on me will you?? I have so many things to do today it's not funny. Brad, Nickie and I have already been to the shopping centre and are home again. We went very early this morning to avoid the crowds but there were still people everywhere. We had finished all of our Christmas shopping, we just wanted Nickie to visit Santa and get a photo. I don't know if you have the same thing in the States, but here Santa comes and visits the shopping centres and kids can line up and meet him and get a pic with him.
I was so looking forward to doing that with Nickie, and Brad was too so we had to wait until Brad finished up at work for the holidays and that was yesterday. So off we went today to visit the big man in red. It was a very nice experience and quite funny too. Nickie has a fascination with hair lately. He is forever grabbing large handfuls of mine and giving it a yank. Of course the first thing he did when he sat on Santa's knee was grab that beard! Santa practically had to pry his beard free only to have Nickie grab it again with the other hand. He was so interested in Santa's beard that we had a really hard time getting him to look at the camera for a photo. In the end one of the assistants left and came back with this huge cow bell. She got me to ring it (it was very loud!) and that got Nickie's attention, he turned towards the noise (which was me holding the bell standing next to the girl with the camera) and they went snap! So the picture came out with Nickie sitting on Santa's knee with this stunned confused look on his face. It is a very funny photo and I am glad we got it.
Tomorrow will be the first time we have hosted Christmas so I want it to go well and am really looking forward to it. I have decided to do the turkey in the slow cooker so I'll let you all know how that goes! I am very excited because finally my parents have made a stand against my sister's antics for the first time ever and will be spending the day with me. Their day usually consists of my sister (having changed her mind about whether or not her and the kids are coming for Christmas day lunch at my parents about 7 times in the lead up to the day) turning up in an absolutely foul mood. People will ask her what's wrong and she will say she doesn't feel well. Then an hour into the day she will say that she feels worse and needs to go lay down in one of my folks spare rooms. She will then go and read magazines and books while lying on the bed, leaving the kids to be looked after by us. Now I love my neice and nephew but they are a handful. They are always fighting, breaking things, swearing, wanting you to put together their new Christmas gift right now this instant etc.
Then we serve lunch and the kids start ordering my mum around like she is a waiter. Mum will ask them before she serves up would they like a drink with their meal. They will say no. So she will serve up and we will all sit down and Mum will pick up her fork and the kids will say "Nan we want a drink now". Stuff like that. I know it's not completely the kids fault because kids only behave how they are taught. But all the while my sister is in the bedroom reading books while everyone looks after her children. I think she only comes for a little respite! Then presents will be opened and my sister will wander out around this time to open her presents, now feeling "a lot better after that nap". I can name at least 4 Christmas Days where they have run exactly like that. It's a regular thing. I always have wondered why my parents don't stand up to it. I think it's because if they were to do something else for Christmas my sister can get very angry. She flies into rage's, turns on the tears etc and maybe they feel it's just not worth it. But this year apparently my sister did her regular phone calls undecided as to if she would come over for lunch or not. After the third phone call my dad had had enough and said to her "listen we thought we would go somewhere else for Christmas this year anyway, so if you think you might not be able to come well that's ok. We will do what we were thinking of and you can stay put for the day so you don't have to travel and the kids don't have to be uprooted with all their toys and gifts that they are wanting to play with." I am so proud of them. Apparently my sister is now going to a friend's house that lives close to her for Christmas day and my parents are coming here. I am looking so forward to making it a great day for them and waiting on them hand and foot.
Well I better go, as I sign off I realise that this is my 50th post! Thankyou for listening to me for all of that! I have made so many special friends through this blog I feel very blessed to have you all. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. May God bless you all in 2010. I am so thankful to have my little boy with us this year. We prayed so hard for him. May all of you out there who are still awaiting your prayers to be answered, whether that prayer be for a baby or a new house or world peace or whatever your heart desires, please know I will be praying that this coming year is your time. And to all those whose prayers have been answered this year, I rejoice with you. Happy Holidays everybody and God bless!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
20 years on...
A while back I posted about my school friends "P" and "L" who were tragically killed by their father over a custody dispute when I was a little girl. I thought I would mention this again because tomorrow will be 20 years to the day since they died. I have been thinking about them a lot the last few months and I feel there must be a reason for that, but am yet to discover what that reason could be.
About a month ago I woke at about 3am from a dream that was so very vivid I was more than a little creeped out, and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. I really feel that the kids came to me in this dream. I just have this feeling that it meant something. In the dream I was searching for their mother, "C". I wanted to tell her I still thought about her children and to check and make sure she was all right. I found her working in a store in the city under a false name and I invited her for dinner at my house. When she arrived for dinner she had two people with her - a man and a woman - and these people were the same age as me. I smiled and said pleased to meet you and they smiled back and told me we had already met. I was confused and asked "C" what these people meant by that. She said "these are my children". I was still confused. I explained to her that when "P" and "L" had died they were around my age. These grown up children looked to be around my age too and the age "P" and "L" would now be. I asked her how she could possibly have more children the same age as her first two would have been. She said to me "Paxton, this IS P and L. They never died. They never went away. They are safe and well and have never left me."
I was absolutely overjoyed and burst into tears. I hugged them ecstatically and asked them were they ok. They assured me they were very well and that they had never died and that I didn't need to worry anymore about it. They hugged their mother and I saw them all as a family together and that was when I woke up. I was really shaken by the dream and quite scared. But looking back I think it was a sign from them that they are really and truly ok because they are up in heaven with Jesus. I really hope that is what it was all about and I will cherish the fact that I did have that dream.
I do think about them and their mother all the time and I do wish I will see their mother again one day and be able to tell her that her children were special and that they really did make such an impression on me. I remember at school in the last week of their lives "L" doing a tap dance routine at the end of year show. "P" was so proud of her when she finished that he went up in front of the whole school and hugged his sister. I will never forget that. I'm sure their mother has her own memories of them too and I'm sure she realises her children were so special.
I also can't believe how fast 20 years went. It seems like only yesterday since it all happened. I really hope that in those 20 years their mother has been able to find peace. Maybe she is remarried to a lovely man with some more children. I hope so. My prayers are really with her this week wherever she is because I think this would be such a hard time. I read in the article I came across about them a few months ago that the day before they were killed their mother took them to get their picture taken with Santa, and now she has that photo on her wall. I am sure she looks at it all the time especially around this time of year and can't believe they are not here physically with her. I don't know how I could bear pain like that if I lost Nickie.
Please have these children and their mother in your prayers tomorrow.
About a month ago I woke at about 3am from a dream that was so very vivid I was more than a little creeped out, and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. I really feel that the kids came to me in this dream. I just have this feeling that it meant something. In the dream I was searching for their mother, "C". I wanted to tell her I still thought about her children and to check and make sure she was all right. I found her working in a store in the city under a false name and I invited her for dinner at my house. When she arrived for dinner she had two people with her - a man and a woman - and these people were the same age as me. I smiled and said pleased to meet you and they smiled back and told me we had already met. I was confused and asked "C" what these people meant by that. She said "these are my children". I was still confused. I explained to her that when "P" and "L" had died they were around my age. These grown up children looked to be around my age too and the age "P" and "L" would now be. I asked her how she could possibly have more children the same age as her first two would have been. She said to me "Paxton, this IS P and L. They never died. They never went away. They are safe and well and have never left me."
I was absolutely overjoyed and burst into tears. I hugged them ecstatically and asked them were they ok. They assured me they were very well and that they had never died and that I didn't need to worry anymore about it. They hugged their mother and I saw them all as a family together and that was when I woke up. I was really shaken by the dream and quite scared. But looking back I think it was a sign from them that they are really and truly ok because they are up in heaven with Jesus. I really hope that is what it was all about and I will cherish the fact that I did have that dream.
I do think about them and their mother all the time and I do wish I will see their mother again one day and be able to tell her that her children were special and that they really did make such an impression on me. I remember at school in the last week of their lives "L" doing a tap dance routine at the end of year show. "P" was so proud of her when she finished that he went up in front of the whole school and hugged his sister. I will never forget that. I'm sure their mother has her own memories of them too and I'm sure she realises her children were so special.
I also can't believe how fast 20 years went. It seems like only yesterday since it all happened. I really hope that in those 20 years their mother has been able to find peace. Maybe she is remarried to a lovely man with some more children. I hope so. My prayers are really with her this week wherever she is because I think this would be such a hard time. I read in the article I came across about them a few months ago that the day before they were killed their mother took them to get their picture taken with Santa, and now she has that photo on her wall. I am sure she looks at it all the time especially around this time of year and can't believe they are not here physically with her. I don't know how I could bear pain like that if I lost Nickie.
Please have these children and their mother in your prayers tomorrow.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
I'm an Aunty!!!
Yes, guys my nephew has arrived! Rhea was due on Dec 11 and bubs ended up making an entrance this morning. A little late but not far behind schedule at all. We went for a flying visit this afternoon to see him (and of course to see Rhea and Paul) and he was just gorgeous. I didn't want to bombard Rhea with visitors right away so I asked her would she like us to come on Tuesday when she rang this morning to tell us the good news. I thought maybe she would like today to rest as she is quite a conservative and private person. Also Monday was out because it's a work day for me. Rhea surprised me by saying she would love to see us today for a quick visit as she was excited to share her boy's arrival with us. So off to the hospital we went!
Rhea was in good spirits but she was quite tired as was Paul. It has been a long labour. We had no idea as Rhea warned us she was kind of shy about having us all know when she was in labour and therefore she would not be telling us when that happened. She just wanted to call us when it was all over and he was here, which is exactly what happened. Apparently contractions started at 4am yesterday and she was at home for 12 hours having mild contractions before they got painful enough for her to want to be in hospital. They got there at 4pm. She then laboured all night until bubs was born at 7.01am. She said she lasted until 1am before asking for the epidural. I think she did a great job and obviously she will sleep well tonight.
The really annoying thing though is obviously on this blog I use fake names, however I'm really excited to tell you all his real name because I really do love it. I'm really in two minds about what to do so for now I am just going to call him "J".
Yay!!! I'm an aunty everyone!! And Nickie is a big cousin!!!
Rhea was in good spirits but she was quite tired as was Paul. It has been a long labour. We had no idea as Rhea warned us she was kind of shy about having us all know when she was in labour and therefore she would not be telling us when that happened. She just wanted to call us when it was all over and he was here, which is exactly what happened. Apparently contractions started at 4am yesterday and she was at home for 12 hours having mild contractions before they got painful enough for her to want to be in hospital. They got there at 4pm. She then laboured all night until bubs was born at 7.01am. She said she lasted until 1am before asking for the epidural. I think she did a great job and obviously she will sleep well tonight.
The really annoying thing though is obviously on this blog I use fake names, however I'm really excited to tell you all his real name because I really do love it. I'm really in two minds about what to do so for now I am just going to call him "J".
Yay!!! I'm an aunty everyone!! And Nickie is a big cousin!!!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Every now and then...
I don't like bringing up the miscarriage so this post is kind of hard. I try to focus on moving forward from it. I prefer not to spend a lot of time moping about what happened, and I believe that now a few months on from the experience, I am past that stage of constant sadness. Not that I am not sad about things now. It's just that if I sit still and think about things for too long then the sadness catches up with me, and makes it hard for me to function. To put it simply, life is easier for me if I focus on the things that I enjoy and allow myself only fleeting moments to reflect on the fact that I lost a baby. I have that little moment to feel sad, and then I make myself move on to the next event of the day. At one stage you might remember I started seeing a counsellor to talk about my feelings. I went for three sessions and stopped going. I felt after the first couple of sessions that the process of going and pouring out to someone about how sad I felt was self defeating, because it was allowing myself to fall too far back into that negative sad mindset and the longer I stayed there, the harder it was to come back up to earth. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, or even if it is the healthy way to be dealing with what happened, but it is what has worked for me and got me over the line so far.
But there is a flaw to my approach. Every now and then something will happen which will make me think of the miscarriage and the baby that I lost, and that realisation almost comes as a complete shock. The days when that happens are very hard to get through. It doesn't even have to be something major. A few weeks ago Brad and I were sitting having coffee with friends of ours and Brad was talking about how work politics can often be unfair and was giving an example of something that had happened at his own work. He then said "and what made it worse was that it was around the time when Pax had the miscarriage so I was already not feeling the best about work, and didn't really need that stress added in too." Not only was it a shock to hear that phrase said out loud, but Brad didn't even lower his voice like people do when they are talking about something sad or unpleasant. He didn't even stumble over the word "miscarriage". That in itself made me realise that time has passed since the incident and that obviously in the eyes of others, including my husband, it is no longer something that should be fresh with raw emotion. I on the other hand felt like I had been stabbed. I found myself crying into my pillow quietly that night and wondering where all that raw emotion has suddenly sprung from.
Then yesterday it happened again. I rang a friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to in a little while, to oragnise a pre Christmas catch up. She was happy to hear from me, we chatted for a while and then she said "I'm glad to hear you are doing well, I have wanted to call a few times but have felt awkward." I really didn't understand why she would feel awkward and suddenly tried to think back to the last time we spoke. I realised that it was by text message. She had messaged me to ask how the beta results had gone from our FET. She knew I had gotten a positive test at home and so she was anticipating a very good response from me. Instead she got a message from me explaining what was happening. That yes I was pregnant but that I was soon not going to be. We spoke a few more times that week through text message but had not had a real conversation since. She then did the whole voice lowered "so how ARE you? I'm so sorry about what happened" etc and I really didn't handle it too well. I answered the questions politely and briefly. Thanked her for her thoughts, finished the conversation and said goodbye but later in the day I lost my bundle and found myself in tears again. AGAIN wondering where all this emotion was coming from when I was fine this morning.
I'm not sure what the purpose of me posting all this to everyone is, other than to get it off my chest. It is something which really baffles me to say that least. Thanks for listening all. Have a great week.
But there is a flaw to my approach. Every now and then something will happen which will make me think of the miscarriage and the baby that I lost, and that realisation almost comes as a complete shock. The days when that happens are very hard to get through. It doesn't even have to be something major. A few weeks ago Brad and I were sitting having coffee with friends of ours and Brad was talking about how work politics can often be unfair and was giving an example of something that had happened at his own work. He then said "and what made it worse was that it was around the time when Pax had the miscarriage so I was already not feeling the best about work, and didn't really need that stress added in too." Not only was it a shock to hear that phrase said out loud, but Brad didn't even lower his voice like people do when they are talking about something sad or unpleasant. He didn't even stumble over the word "miscarriage". That in itself made me realise that time has passed since the incident and that obviously in the eyes of others, including my husband, it is no longer something that should be fresh with raw emotion. I on the other hand felt like I had been stabbed. I found myself crying into my pillow quietly that night and wondering where all that raw emotion has suddenly sprung from.
Then yesterday it happened again. I rang a friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to in a little while, to oragnise a pre Christmas catch up. She was happy to hear from me, we chatted for a while and then she said "I'm glad to hear you are doing well, I have wanted to call a few times but have felt awkward." I really didn't understand why she would feel awkward and suddenly tried to think back to the last time we spoke. I realised that it was by text message. She had messaged me to ask how the beta results had gone from our FET. She knew I had gotten a positive test at home and so she was anticipating a very good response from me. Instead she got a message from me explaining what was happening. That yes I was pregnant but that I was soon not going to be. We spoke a few more times that week through text message but had not had a real conversation since. She then did the whole voice lowered "so how ARE you? I'm so sorry about what happened" etc and I really didn't handle it too well. I answered the questions politely and briefly. Thanked her for her thoughts, finished the conversation and said goodbye but later in the day I lost my bundle and found myself in tears again. AGAIN wondering where all this emotion was coming from when I was fine this morning.
I'm not sure what the purpose of me posting all this to everyone is, other than to get it off my chest. It is something which really baffles me to say that least. Thanks for listening all. Have a great week.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
He Did it!!!
Yay Brad had his final exam today for his course and passed with flying colours. He is now a qualified driving instructor. I am so so proud of him and I have been having conversations with Nickie about how hard Daddy has been working and how we need to give him big cuddles to show him we think he is amazing. Nickie just loves his DaDa it's beautiful. His face lights up when Brad comes home and he dives into his arms for a cuddle and buries his head into Brads neck. It makes my heart melt.
On Friday the 11th of December (which is also Rhea's due date and no appearance from bubba yet!) Brad has a job interview with one of the big drive schools in Melbourne. I am praying that it goes well and he gets a position with their school. He says he will go to any area they want him in, because the school is so well known and has a great reputation it would be great to get a start with them. It would look great on a resume. So even if he starts off in an area that is a bit of a travel he is willing to do that to get a good start in the industry.
The other half of me is scared. If he gets the position then he needs to get a car to teach in. We do have a car but Brad's car doesn't fit the schools standards. Their cars need to be less than 5 years old, which Brad's is 10 years old. They also need to be white as they will then pay to get the signage of their school logo put on the car. It is also very scary to think that where as Brad's wage paid our mortgage every month, now it will be my wage paying the mortgage and Brad's wage which will be a bit unsteady for a while while he is establishing a client base will be what pays our bills and buys us food. Since I really do like eating (haha) I am really hoping he gets the client base up and running and it doesn't take too long. I don't mind things taking a while and struggling a little while things pick up, as long as they do pick up! Brad is so excited and enthusiastic about this new career. I haven't seen him enthusiastic about his job for a long time. I want it to work out. I would hate him to go through the disappointment of it not working out and having to go back to his old job. Prayers people, Prayers!!!! haha Brad is currently at the shopping centre buying a shirt for the interview. He works a manual labour job where he gets very dirty and messy, he is not used to getting dressed up and wearing a shirt and tie.
Just a few other bits and pieces to update you on before I go:
I have had a bit of a mystery virus the last few days which thankfully I am getting over now. It started like a flu. We had my work Christmas party (remember the one I told you about that was $100 a head and caused a lot of tension at work?) and I wasn't sure if I could go because I didn't feel the best, but I didn't want to miss out after paying so much money for both Brad and I to attend. If we hadn't have been able to go then we would have lost all that money - the restaurant were not prepared to refund any portion of it. So I powered through, got ready and we went. It was a seven course meal I'm not kidding! But each course was tiny and bite sized and fancy. By the time we got to course 4 it had taken a couple hours and I was really starting to feel sick. I felt like I had a fever and also it became hard to look at light. It felt like knives piercing my eyes, the pain in my eyes and head were so bad. So Brad thought it best to take me home and I happily agreed. For the next day I was so sick with raging fever, headache, coughing etc. I went to the doctor and he said it was a virus. Thankfully today I feel a whole lot better and only really have cold like symptoms now like a cough and runny nose.
Lastly some news about Nickie, his daycare called me into the directors office when I came to collect him the other day for a chat. The director said that she wanted to make a time for Brad and I to come in to discuss Nickie as she is concerned with his gross motor development. Nickie was very slow to roll over and he is almost 11 months now and still can't sit up and doesn't crawl yet. He is completely alert, happy, intelligent, responsive etc though but he's just not a big mover. He is just so content to lay on his tummy on the floor with some toys, it's like he doesn't feel the need to put in any extra effort to do anything else. I don't know how things work in the states but here in AUS when you have a baby you get assigned a health nurse and you bring your baby in to that nurse every few months for a check. You can also call the nurse if you have questions or concerns. It is not compulsary but 90% of people do it. My health nurse was an old lady who had acted like she had read everything she knew about children out of a book and there was only one answer for everything. For example, when Nickie was cutting his first tooth I called her and said "I think Nickie is getting a tooth and it seems to be very painful. I am giving him cold wash cloths to chew on and some paracetamol, can you suggest anything else I can do for him?" She looked at his file and informed me that Nickie was only 5 months so he wouldn't be getting a tooth yet as babies don't teeth till they are 6 months. I said to her I was pretty confident that he was getting a tooth but she practically hung up on me. The next day there was a little tooth in Nickie's mouth, so I was indeed correct that he was teething.
After that I wasn't too keen on going to her but I perservered and at one stage months ago I brought up my concerns that Nickie was not attempting to crawl and that no matter what I tried he didn't seem interested. Her answer to this was to say "well you need to make him". I didn't find this at all helpful so I called the health centre and asked to change nurses. My next appointment with Nickie, I go off to the new nurse hoping to get some better advice. well, I got a complete cow of a nurse. Sorry to say that but she spoke to me rudely and was very critical of my skills as a mother. It was like she had it in her head that the reason he was slow at moving is because I must not spend any time with him. Like I put him in a bouncer in front of the TV all day. That couldn't be further from the truth. Nickie has watched TV maybe 3 times in his life. We have an Elmo DVD wrapped up under the Xmas tree for him and it will be his first ever DVD. She said to me "don't you know you have to do activities with your child!!??" I got so offended I started to cry and walked out of the appointment. I felt like the biggest fool but I thought how dare you say that to me. After I got home I rang the health centre and complained and told them I wouldn't be back to any of their nurses and that I would take Nickie to my GP for his checks from now on.
Later that week I took Nickie to my GP who was lovely and said Nickie was just a happy, content boy who was taking his time. He said he could see no developmental problems with him, he was just very chilled out and in no rush to crawl. The doctor said sometimes kids are as old as 20 months when they begin to crawl, and then again there are kids as young as 8 or 9 months who are walking. He told me to relax and said Nickie would be fine, and he would catch up down the road. Now it's two months later and the day care centre has brought it up with me.
The day care centre manager is so lovely and she said to me once again, that Nickie by no means has anything "wrong with him", but that she just doesn't want him to struggle later on down the road. She said there are a number of goals with gross motor skills that children aged 1 are "supposed" to have achieved and so far Nickie has not achieved any of them. She said she thinks he might just need a little push in the right direction to get him motivated. With our permission they can get a special qualified person come in to work with Nickie at the day care centre on a one to one basis. It won't cost us any extra as it's all government funded. Brad and I are going to go to the meeting and talk with them about it further before we decide. It's very nice to know the option is there.
I must say it is really hard when someone tells you your child is not up to the standard of other children. As parents we want to believe (and often do believe) that our child is the best at everything. The brightest, the cutest etc. When someone says to you "actually your child is behind the others" it is a big blow to your confidence as a parent and it is hard to hear. When I was telling my mum about it I got a bit teary and told her I didn't want people to think I was a bad mother because my child can't crawl. Mum pointed out to me that Nickie doesn't crawl yet because he obviously hasn't found the need to. He is happy and content. When you are happy and content why would you feel the need to strive for anything more? I have just been trying to remember that. My son is happy.
Sorry for the long post guys, I'll sign off now. Have a great weekend.
On Friday the 11th of December (which is also Rhea's due date and no appearance from bubba yet!) Brad has a job interview with one of the big drive schools in Melbourne. I am praying that it goes well and he gets a position with their school. He says he will go to any area they want him in, because the school is so well known and has a great reputation it would be great to get a start with them. It would look great on a resume. So even if he starts off in an area that is a bit of a travel he is willing to do that to get a good start in the industry.
The other half of me is scared. If he gets the position then he needs to get a car to teach in. We do have a car but Brad's car doesn't fit the schools standards. Their cars need to be less than 5 years old, which Brad's is 10 years old. They also need to be white as they will then pay to get the signage of their school logo put on the car. It is also very scary to think that where as Brad's wage paid our mortgage every month, now it will be my wage paying the mortgage and Brad's wage which will be a bit unsteady for a while while he is establishing a client base will be what pays our bills and buys us food. Since I really do like eating (haha) I am really hoping he gets the client base up and running and it doesn't take too long. I don't mind things taking a while and struggling a little while things pick up, as long as they do pick up! Brad is so excited and enthusiastic about this new career. I haven't seen him enthusiastic about his job for a long time. I want it to work out. I would hate him to go through the disappointment of it not working out and having to go back to his old job. Prayers people, Prayers!!!! haha Brad is currently at the shopping centre buying a shirt for the interview. He works a manual labour job where he gets very dirty and messy, he is not used to getting dressed up and wearing a shirt and tie.
Just a few other bits and pieces to update you on before I go:
I have had a bit of a mystery virus the last few days which thankfully I am getting over now. It started like a flu. We had my work Christmas party (remember the one I told you about that was $100 a head and caused a lot of tension at work?) and I wasn't sure if I could go because I didn't feel the best, but I didn't want to miss out after paying so much money for both Brad and I to attend. If we hadn't have been able to go then we would have lost all that money - the restaurant were not prepared to refund any portion of it. So I powered through, got ready and we went. It was a seven course meal I'm not kidding! But each course was tiny and bite sized and fancy. By the time we got to course 4 it had taken a couple hours and I was really starting to feel sick. I felt like I had a fever and also it became hard to look at light. It felt like knives piercing my eyes, the pain in my eyes and head were so bad. So Brad thought it best to take me home and I happily agreed. For the next day I was so sick with raging fever, headache, coughing etc. I went to the doctor and he said it was a virus. Thankfully today I feel a whole lot better and only really have cold like symptoms now like a cough and runny nose.
Lastly some news about Nickie, his daycare called me into the directors office when I came to collect him the other day for a chat. The director said that she wanted to make a time for Brad and I to come in to discuss Nickie as she is concerned with his gross motor development. Nickie was very slow to roll over and he is almost 11 months now and still can't sit up and doesn't crawl yet. He is completely alert, happy, intelligent, responsive etc though but he's just not a big mover. He is just so content to lay on his tummy on the floor with some toys, it's like he doesn't feel the need to put in any extra effort to do anything else. I don't know how things work in the states but here in AUS when you have a baby you get assigned a health nurse and you bring your baby in to that nurse every few months for a check. You can also call the nurse if you have questions or concerns. It is not compulsary but 90% of people do it. My health nurse was an old lady who had acted like she had read everything she knew about children out of a book and there was only one answer for everything. For example, when Nickie was cutting his first tooth I called her and said "I think Nickie is getting a tooth and it seems to be very painful. I am giving him cold wash cloths to chew on and some paracetamol, can you suggest anything else I can do for him?" She looked at his file and informed me that Nickie was only 5 months so he wouldn't be getting a tooth yet as babies don't teeth till they are 6 months. I said to her I was pretty confident that he was getting a tooth but she practically hung up on me. The next day there was a little tooth in Nickie's mouth, so I was indeed correct that he was teething.
After that I wasn't too keen on going to her but I perservered and at one stage months ago I brought up my concerns that Nickie was not attempting to crawl and that no matter what I tried he didn't seem interested. Her answer to this was to say "well you need to make him". I didn't find this at all helpful so I called the health centre and asked to change nurses. My next appointment with Nickie, I go off to the new nurse hoping to get some better advice. well, I got a complete cow of a nurse. Sorry to say that but she spoke to me rudely and was very critical of my skills as a mother. It was like she had it in her head that the reason he was slow at moving is because I must not spend any time with him. Like I put him in a bouncer in front of the TV all day. That couldn't be further from the truth. Nickie has watched TV maybe 3 times in his life. We have an Elmo DVD wrapped up under the Xmas tree for him and it will be his first ever DVD. She said to me "don't you know you have to do activities with your child!!??" I got so offended I started to cry and walked out of the appointment. I felt like the biggest fool but I thought how dare you say that to me. After I got home I rang the health centre and complained and told them I wouldn't be back to any of their nurses and that I would take Nickie to my GP for his checks from now on.
Later that week I took Nickie to my GP who was lovely and said Nickie was just a happy, content boy who was taking his time. He said he could see no developmental problems with him, he was just very chilled out and in no rush to crawl. The doctor said sometimes kids are as old as 20 months when they begin to crawl, and then again there are kids as young as 8 or 9 months who are walking. He told me to relax and said Nickie would be fine, and he would catch up down the road. Now it's two months later and the day care centre has brought it up with me.
The day care centre manager is so lovely and she said to me once again, that Nickie by no means has anything "wrong with him", but that she just doesn't want him to struggle later on down the road. She said there are a number of goals with gross motor skills that children aged 1 are "supposed" to have achieved and so far Nickie has not achieved any of them. She said she thinks he might just need a little push in the right direction to get him motivated. With our permission they can get a special qualified person come in to work with Nickie at the day care centre on a one to one basis. It won't cost us any extra as it's all government funded. Brad and I are going to go to the meeting and talk with them about it further before we decide. It's very nice to know the option is there.
I must say it is really hard when someone tells you your child is not up to the standard of other children. As parents we want to believe (and often do believe) that our child is the best at everything. The brightest, the cutest etc. When someone says to you "actually your child is behind the others" it is a big blow to your confidence as a parent and it is hard to hear. When I was telling my mum about it I got a bit teary and told her I didn't want people to think I was a bad mother because my child can't crawl. Mum pointed out to me that Nickie doesn't crawl yet because he obviously hasn't found the need to. He is happy and content. When you are happy and content why would you feel the need to strive for anything more? I have just been trying to remember that. My son is happy.
Sorry for the long post guys, I'll sign off now. Have a great weekend.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Finally some news about Cate
Just thought I would fill you all in because I have finally had a call from Cate. She decided to call me after all as she has had some unexpected news and she felt better about speaking to people. I think from the sounds of things she has been one stressed and mixed up young lady. Understandably so as she had a big scare.
Apparently the news she got from the doctor that prompted her to not want to talk to anyone was that the appearance of the cancerous tissue indicated that it was very old and the doctor was pretty certain it would have now spread to other areas of the body because it had apparently been there a long time. He did not give her a favourable outlook at all and she was preparing for the worst. In the last week and a half she has gone for numerous scans and blood work and today she was due to get all those results. She planned to fly to Melbourne over the weekend as she was anticipating having some big news to deal with.
She called me this morning and filled me in on all this because as it turned out she got her results this morning and they actually can't see any further cancer in the scans. Also her blood tests which I don't fully understand but which test for "tumor markers" came back at extremely low levels. All this points to very positive news and hopefully the cancer has not gone any further. They would like to do some more tests in the new year to be sure and also do another laparoscopy surgery too as the first one she had, the one that picked up this nasty tissue, was actually to look for endometriosis. Because they didn't go in looking for cancer that want to be sure they didn't miss any. The doctor said though that he is now optimistic and she can enjoy her Christmas and come back in Jan for these tests. Cate was so thrilled with this news she rang me and didn't see the need to wait till Sunday for a face to face talk.
Well I better sign off as I am supposed to be getting ready to go to Brad's parents house for a BBQ. Thanks everyone for your friendship and prayers.
Apparently the news she got from the doctor that prompted her to not want to talk to anyone was that the appearance of the cancerous tissue indicated that it was very old and the doctor was pretty certain it would have now spread to other areas of the body because it had apparently been there a long time. He did not give her a favourable outlook at all and she was preparing for the worst. In the last week and a half she has gone for numerous scans and blood work and today she was due to get all those results. She planned to fly to Melbourne over the weekend as she was anticipating having some big news to deal with.
She called me this morning and filled me in on all this because as it turned out she got her results this morning and they actually can't see any further cancer in the scans. Also her blood tests which I don't fully understand but which test for "tumor markers" came back at extremely low levels. All this points to very positive news and hopefully the cancer has not gone any further. They would like to do some more tests in the new year to be sure and also do another laparoscopy surgery too as the first one she had, the one that picked up this nasty tissue, was actually to look for endometriosis. Because they didn't go in looking for cancer that want to be sure they didn't miss any. The doctor said though that he is now optimistic and she can enjoy her Christmas and come back in Jan for these tests. Cate was so thrilled with this news she rang me and didn't see the need to wait till Sunday for a face to face talk.
Well I better sign off as I am supposed to be getting ready to go to Brad's parents house for a BBQ. Thanks everyone for your friendship and prayers.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Any day now...
Before I continue on with today's post I just want to update you all on Cate. I still don't know what's going on as I haven't spoken with Cate other than some text messages because she is still not in a frame of mind to speak with anyone. I received a text from her yesterday saying she is flying in to Melbourne for the weekend as she wants to be near her family at the moment. She has asked me to come see her on Sunday night so she can talk with me and fill me in on what's happening. I am very scared about what she is going to tell me and so because Sunday is such a long way away I am trying not to think about it. This is not because I don't care, it's because I care a lot and don't want to make myself sick with worry. My philosophy is that I may as well get through this week, hear Cate's news on Sunday and then deal with it then when I know what's going on. I wish someone: her boyfriend or her family would give me a call to let me in on what's happening instead of making me sit and wait and worry for a whole week but then when I say that aloud it sounds very selfish. So I have decided to just let it be and we will see what the future holds on Sunday. Please continue to pray for Cate.
Onto something nicer - as I said I am trying to get through the week with some sense of normality - Rhea is due on Dec 11 so she only has a short time left of her pregnancy. She saw her OB last Fri and he said "your next appointment is in a week's time but I have a feeling I'll see you again before then!" so we are thinking it could be any day that we welcome a little baby boy into our family. She is feeling pretty nervous about the labour, yet very excited. She can't wait to be a Mum. It will be really nice to be an aunty again. I do have a neice and nephew (my sister's kids) but because of the situation with my sister I don't get to see them much at all. I really do miss them a lot. I also have some inherited neices and nephews courtesy of Brad's other sister, Kaye. They live in another state though and I have only met both Kaye and her kids a handful of times. Brad and Kaye have never been close like he and Rhea are as there is an age gap of about 15 years between them. Brad's father was married to Kaye's mother and then she passed away from cancer. Quite a while after that Brad's father remarried and had Rhea and Brad with his new wife. So Brad and Rhea's mother is not Kaye's mother. Combined with the age gap there is all that "I'm only a half sister" kind of silly jealousy that happens sometimes in families. Kaye has always thought that Rhea and Brad were closer and excluded her etc. Brad has told me they probably did exclude her a bit when they were kids, but not in a horrible way like that. Only in the innocent way that kids of a certain age are going to automatically want to play with other kids closer to that age. When you are 2 you don't want to play with a 15 year old. Anyway they do get on now that everyone is an adult, but there is a bit of tension there and they will never be close buddies.
We are very anxious to hear the name of the new baby as we do know he is a boy, but Rhea and Paul have kept his name a secret. I think they actually have really enjoyed teasing me saying "haha we know something you don't know" because I am so impatient to know everything and even though I love surprises I don't do waiting very well! haha So as well as seeing my new nephew, I am dying to know what his name is going to be. He has some presents wrapped under our Christmas tree with no name on the tag because I am waiting to know what name to write! I also can't wait to see Nickie playing with his cousin in time to come. I hope they will get on and be great friends.
Lastly - some other exciting news: Brad has for the last 6 months been completing a course to become a driving instructor. I am very proud of him because he has worked very hard. This Saturday is his last class and his big exam and then if he passes he will finally be a qualified instructor. He has an interview lined up for next week with one of the major driving schools here in Melbourne. They are very interested in hiring him. I have everything crossed he will pass and that everything will go well and he will get that job. Because it is a complete career change for him it feels a bit nerve wracking too. I hope that when he becomes an instructor that he loves it and also that it pays the bills. I really want him to be happy but of course we need to eat and pay the mortgage too haha. So fingers crossed for all that is happening on that front too.
Have a good week everyone. Happy December!
Onto something nicer - as I said I am trying to get through the week with some sense of normality - Rhea is due on Dec 11 so she only has a short time left of her pregnancy. She saw her OB last Fri and he said "your next appointment is in a week's time but I have a feeling I'll see you again before then!" so we are thinking it could be any day that we welcome a little baby boy into our family. She is feeling pretty nervous about the labour, yet very excited. She can't wait to be a Mum. It will be really nice to be an aunty again. I do have a neice and nephew (my sister's kids) but because of the situation with my sister I don't get to see them much at all. I really do miss them a lot. I also have some inherited neices and nephews courtesy of Brad's other sister, Kaye. They live in another state though and I have only met both Kaye and her kids a handful of times. Brad and Kaye have never been close like he and Rhea are as there is an age gap of about 15 years between them. Brad's father was married to Kaye's mother and then she passed away from cancer. Quite a while after that Brad's father remarried and had Rhea and Brad with his new wife. So Brad and Rhea's mother is not Kaye's mother. Combined with the age gap there is all that "I'm only a half sister" kind of silly jealousy that happens sometimes in families. Kaye has always thought that Rhea and Brad were closer and excluded her etc. Brad has told me they probably did exclude her a bit when they were kids, but not in a horrible way like that. Only in the innocent way that kids of a certain age are going to automatically want to play with other kids closer to that age. When you are 2 you don't want to play with a 15 year old. Anyway they do get on now that everyone is an adult, but there is a bit of tension there and they will never be close buddies.
We are very anxious to hear the name of the new baby as we do know he is a boy, but Rhea and Paul have kept his name a secret. I think they actually have really enjoyed teasing me saying "haha we know something you don't know" because I am so impatient to know everything and even though I love surprises I don't do waiting very well! haha So as well as seeing my new nephew, I am dying to know what his name is going to be. He has some presents wrapped under our Christmas tree with no name on the tag because I am waiting to know what name to write! I also can't wait to see Nickie playing with his cousin in time to come. I hope they will get on and be great friends.
Lastly - some other exciting news: Brad has for the last 6 months been completing a course to become a driving instructor. I am very proud of him because he has worked very hard. This Saturday is his last class and his big exam and then if he passes he will finally be a qualified instructor. He has an interview lined up for next week with one of the major driving schools here in Melbourne. They are very interested in hiring him. I have everything crossed he will pass and that everything will go well and he will get that job. Because it is a complete career change for him it feels a bit nerve wracking too. I hope that when he becomes an instructor that he loves it and also that it pays the bills. I really want him to be happy but of course we need to eat and pay the mortgage too haha. So fingers crossed for all that is happening on that front too.
Have a good week everyone. Happy December!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Some news about my friend Cate
I'm sorry for falling behind in my emails and all of your blogs this past week. Please know I am still reading and plan on catching up with you all but it has been a bit of a tough week so it has gotten on top of me for the moment.
You might all recall my friend Cate was hospitalised in severe pain a little while ago. She lives in Sydney with her boyfriend and they were in Melbourne to attend a wedding when she had a sudden onset of abdominal pain and was admitted to hospital over here. For those that don't remember she was eventually diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome which, because it had gone untreated and unnoticed for so long, had gotten very out of hand and was causing such bad pain. When she was discharged and flew back to Sydney she was referred to a specialist for follow up care in Sydney. The specialist agreed that she had IBS but didn't agree that it was the sole cause of that amount of pain. Because the bowel is close to the reproductive area he sent Cate to a specialist in that field to rule out ovarian cysts and things like that.
After seeing the new specialist he was quite confident she had severe endometriosis and Cate went in to hospital again for some surgery to confirm that diagnosis and fix the problem (remove the endo) on Friday November 13. The doctor said he would be unable to stay long after the procedure and that when she woke up in recovery the nurses would tell her the main gyst of the surgery and then he would see her a few days later at a post operative appointment. She woke up and the nurses said that yes she had endometriosis and that it had been removed, but that it had been quite an extensive surgery and she should expect some painful days ahead while she recovered.
The following Tuesday the 17th she saw the specialist for the post op check and he showed her some photos of some funny looking tissue that he had discovered in her uterus while removing the endo. Cate asked him what it was and he said he had never come across it before in 30 years of being in his profession and that he had sent the tissue to pathology. We had a nervous wait until Friday the 20th to get the pathology results.
On Friday afternoon I got a text from Cate that she has got pathology results and the doctor says it is a slow growing cancer. The fact that it is cancerous was bad obviously but the fact it was slow growing seemed positive. Because the doctor was inexperienced with it he said he would prefer to consult with some experts in the area on a plan of action and then speak to her on Monday the 23rd when he would know more.
After receiving the text I have tried calling a few times and have been unsuccessful in getting an answer. I tried again tonight, knowing that she would have spoken to the doctor regarding the prognosis and plan of action for the cancer. No answer again. Then two seconds after I hung up my phone I get another text from Cate again saying she will call in the next few days as she heard from the doctor on Monday and is unable to talk to people at this point in time. She said she just doesn't feel up to it.
I am very worried as I am guessing the fact that she is unable to talk to me, her best friend of 15 years, means that the news has been quite a shock for her. This indicates to me that it was not good news. I really hope she is dealing with things ok emotionally as well as physically. She only moved away to Sydney in August and I wish she was here close by. I'm sure she has lots of support from her boyfriend though as he is a lovely person. Please keep her in your prayers.
You might all recall my friend Cate was hospitalised in severe pain a little while ago. She lives in Sydney with her boyfriend and they were in Melbourne to attend a wedding when she had a sudden onset of abdominal pain and was admitted to hospital over here. For those that don't remember she was eventually diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome which, because it had gone untreated and unnoticed for so long, had gotten very out of hand and was causing such bad pain. When she was discharged and flew back to Sydney she was referred to a specialist for follow up care in Sydney. The specialist agreed that she had IBS but didn't agree that it was the sole cause of that amount of pain. Because the bowel is close to the reproductive area he sent Cate to a specialist in that field to rule out ovarian cysts and things like that.
After seeing the new specialist he was quite confident she had severe endometriosis and Cate went in to hospital again for some surgery to confirm that diagnosis and fix the problem (remove the endo) on Friday November 13. The doctor said he would be unable to stay long after the procedure and that when she woke up in recovery the nurses would tell her the main gyst of the surgery and then he would see her a few days later at a post operative appointment. She woke up and the nurses said that yes she had endometriosis and that it had been removed, but that it had been quite an extensive surgery and she should expect some painful days ahead while she recovered.
The following Tuesday the 17th she saw the specialist for the post op check and he showed her some photos of some funny looking tissue that he had discovered in her uterus while removing the endo. Cate asked him what it was and he said he had never come across it before in 30 years of being in his profession and that he had sent the tissue to pathology. We had a nervous wait until Friday the 20th to get the pathology results.
On Friday afternoon I got a text from Cate that she has got pathology results and the doctor says it is a slow growing cancer. The fact that it is cancerous was bad obviously but the fact it was slow growing seemed positive. Because the doctor was inexperienced with it he said he would prefer to consult with some experts in the area on a plan of action and then speak to her on Monday the 23rd when he would know more.
After receiving the text I have tried calling a few times and have been unsuccessful in getting an answer. I tried again tonight, knowing that she would have spoken to the doctor regarding the prognosis and plan of action for the cancer. No answer again. Then two seconds after I hung up my phone I get another text from Cate again saying she will call in the next few days as she heard from the doctor on Monday and is unable to talk to people at this point in time. She said she just doesn't feel up to it.
I am very worried as I am guessing the fact that she is unable to talk to me, her best friend of 15 years, means that the news has been quite a shock for her. This indicates to me that it was not good news. I really hope she is dealing with things ok emotionally as well as physically. She only moved away to Sydney in August and I wish she was here close by. I'm sure she has lots of support from her boyfriend though as he is a lovely person. Please keep her in your prayers.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
My Christmas Wish
We are approaching that special time of year again and it always seems to make me feel reflective, both about the time gone by and about life in general. Then I read Dianne's beautiful post tonight and it made me want to say something. I'll try and get it out in understandable form!
There's a John Mayer song called "The Heart of Life" which I think I have quoted before at some stage, but I'm mentioning it again because it is a song that really speaks to me. I listened to it so much while TTC Nickie. The song goes "pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around, No it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good."
I really believe that. Life is damn hard sometimes and it can bring you to your knees. But deep down, under the surface, life really is good. It's not always easy to see what's good. Sometimes you will have to squint to see what's good. But there is always something, I promise.
When Nickie smiles I see how great life is. There is nothing better than seeing your child happy. The happiness of babies is so pure and innocent and unclouded by the superficial wants that us grown ups have. We all want something more than what we have and we are never fully satisfied. I am the first one to admit that I can get so caught up in what I don't have, that I lose sight of what I do have and how lucky I am. We all want a faster car, a bigger house, a better job, or in my case a second baby. Babies don't have these wants. They are so thrilled with everything about the world and so happy. I know in my heart that inevitably as he grows up he will lose this to an extent. It makes me sad to know that one day his heart will ache for something that feels out of reach. I want him to keep his innocent happiness for as long as he can.
Every Christmas for the last few years Brad and I have decorated our tree, then placed the star right at the top while we both held on to it and made a wish that one day we would have a baby. Last Christmas, I was pregnant. We decorated our tree and then when we picked up the star we both burst into tears and realised we didn't need to wish anymore as it was already coming true. Now another Christmas is rolling around again and our baby is here and I am so happy I can't believe it. Thinking back to how it was on the other side of the tunnel makes me feel happy for how far we have come and all we have gained this year, rather than what we lost.
This year my Christmas wish when Brad and I pick up the star is for all of you lovely ladies out there in blog land who I have had the pleasure of meeting since coming here, who are yet to have their miracle. I just want you all to have your babies. Please know that on Decmber first when we decorate our tree, we will be making that wish for you. Christmas is a special time and it is only fair to use it to honour special people.
There's a John Mayer song called "The Heart of Life" which I think I have quoted before at some stage, but I'm mentioning it again because it is a song that really speaks to me. I listened to it so much while TTC Nickie. The song goes "pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around, No it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good."
I really believe that. Life is damn hard sometimes and it can bring you to your knees. But deep down, under the surface, life really is good. It's not always easy to see what's good. Sometimes you will have to squint to see what's good. But there is always something, I promise.
When Nickie smiles I see how great life is. There is nothing better than seeing your child happy. The happiness of babies is so pure and innocent and unclouded by the superficial wants that us grown ups have. We all want something more than what we have and we are never fully satisfied. I am the first one to admit that I can get so caught up in what I don't have, that I lose sight of what I do have and how lucky I am. We all want a faster car, a bigger house, a better job, or in my case a second baby. Babies don't have these wants. They are so thrilled with everything about the world and so happy. I know in my heart that inevitably as he grows up he will lose this to an extent. It makes me sad to know that one day his heart will ache for something that feels out of reach. I want him to keep his innocent happiness for as long as he can.
Every Christmas for the last few years Brad and I have decorated our tree, then placed the star right at the top while we both held on to it and made a wish that one day we would have a baby. Last Christmas, I was pregnant. We decorated our tree and then when we picked up the star we both burst into tears and realised we didn't need to wish anymore as it was already coming true. Now another Christmas is rolling around again and our baby is here and I am so happy I can't believe it. Thinking back to how it was on the other side of the tunnel makes me feel happy for how far we have come and all we have gained this year, rather than what we lost.
This year my Christmas wish when Brad and I pick up the star is for all of you lovely ladies out there in blog land who I have had the pleasure of meeting since coming here, who are yet to have their miracle. I just want you all to have your babies. Please know that on Decmber first when we decorate our tree, we will be making that wish for you. Christmas is a special time and it is only fair to use it to honour special people.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Office politics
Most of the time I enjoy my job, but every now and then (and I don't think you can escape this in ANY job) office politics get in the way. Yesterday I came home from work quite satisfied with myself for standing up for what I believe in. Here is what happened:
Quite a while ago my manager, knowing that she would be in the middle of her maternity leave over the Christmas period and not at work to give this matter her full attention, gave the job of organising our annual team Christmas party to somebody else. The lady that got given this task I am going to call "D". A bit of background into D is that she is quite a wealthy lady and kind of only works for something to do, rather than for the money. She and her husband have a million dollar house and she wears designer clothes. Her husband is a surgeon. This is all totally fine, but what is not fine is the fact that there have been incidences in the past when she has really rubbed this fact in everybody's faces. She also often suggests ideas for team events and so forth that the average person really can't afford as I don't think she understands what it's like for money to be scarce.
Anyway she never took a vote within the team or anything about what we all wanted to do for our Christmas party. Usually it is a dinner at a restaurant. Last year it was at a little Mexican place near work. It was about $20 a head, we could bring partners and it was a lot of fun as well as being affordable, even though it wasn't a 5 star gourmet place. At the time though, D made sure everybody knew it was very beneath her to eat food like nachos. This year D has taken it upon herself to book in for an exclusive restaurant in the city. The cost is $100 a head which makes it $200 if you want to bring your partner. That is out of reach of most of us in the team. Because at the time, our manager was heavily pregnant and just finishing up at work before starting her leave, she didn't do anything to make D organise a more suitable outing and so all the plans went ahead and we are having this party that hardly anyone can afford to go to and as a result lots of people are boycotting. This has caused a lot of tension in the team for the last couple of weeks.
Usually within our team at Christmas we do a Secret Santa. For those of you who don't know what that is it is the same as a Kris Kringle where you put everyone's name in a hat then everyone draws a name and you have to buy a present for that person. We usually exchange gifts at the Christmas party but because so many people aren't going now we have decided to have a "bring a plate of food" day at work the Monday before Christmas and exchange gifts then. Usually the person who organises the Christmas party also organises Secret Santa because they are kind of related, but because of all the trouble, our new manager decided to allocate this task to someone other than D. I volunteered as I thought at least if I run it I know I will do the right thing. Our manager announced I would be running it so right away I get all these people coming up to me giving ideas on what they think the money limit should be on the gifts and new ways to run it etc. So last week I called a 5 minute team meeting to talk to everyone about it. I said that the running of Secret Santa this year was going to be a democratic process to make sure we did what was fair and what the majority of people would be happy with. I explained I would be sending out a team email with some questions about how people wanted it run and that everybody had to email back so that it would be like a confidential vote. I added for people to remember that this is supposed to be a fun activity not something designed to stress people or burden them financially and that was why I was going with what the majority would be comfortable doing.
I sent out an email asking people 1. whether or not they wanted to participate in Secret Santa 2. to nominate what $ limit they would be comfortable spending, and 3. Did they want a traditional Secret Santa or did they have any ideas on any new fun ways it could be done? There are 20 of us in the team at work and the results went like this:
Everyone said yes they wanted to participate
Out of 20 people, 17 people said they wanted a $15 limit and the other 3 said higher than that.
Out of 20 people, 16 people said they just wanted a traditional Secret Santa, 2 gave ideas for a new way to run it, and the other 2 never answered the question and said they didn't mind how it was done.
So with a pretty overwhelming majority, yesterday I sent an email out saying that after considering everyone's preferences we would be doing a traditional Secret Santa with a $15 limit on the gift buying. Everyone seemed really happy that they had had a say and people were excited about doing it. But guess who started to voice her opinion and the fact that she had issues with it? You guessed it! D! First she says to me "traditional Secret Santa is boring. It's been done. We need to do something new." and then proceeds to tell me about how her family always does it. Apparently everyone buys a unisex present then someone selects one and opens it, then the next person can either choose to select another present or take the first person's gift off them if they like it better. I politely listened to her and then said that out of 20 team members 16 had voted for a traditional Secret Santa so that's what I have to go with. I also said that I thought the "taking people's presents" idea had the potential to cause arguements but told her thanks for her idea. After that, twice more throughout the day she tried to convince me why we should do Secret Santa her way and I met her comments with a very simalar comment to what I said earlier.
Then she started saying how a $15 limit was measly, that the team must be a bunch of cheapskates if they can't afford more than that. She asked me to tell her who said $15 so she could convince them to spend more. I said no that the vote was confidential and that it was a vast majority that voted for the $15 limit. Several more times she comes up to me and loud enough for everyone to hear made rude comments about people being pathetic not wanting to spend more than $15. I got really angry as she was upsetting everyone and so I went to my manager and told her what was happening. I said that she was welcome to address the issue with D personally if she felt it more appropriate, but that I wanted her to stop D from behaving this way, and that as Secret Santa is my project that D is ruining I feel I am entitled to address the issue with her provided I didn't get aggressive. My manager agreed and called a meeting with the 3 of us.
D walks in and thinks it is about the Christmas party so she didn't realise she was "in trouble" so to speak. My manager explains she has called the meeting as D's behaviour towards the Christmas celebrations has been unfavourable and that I have been upset and made a complaint. She had a talk to D about how and why her behaviour had been unacceptable and then let me talk. I was very calm and tactful but I told the truth and it all came out beautifully. I explained how the Secret Santa is being ruined by her selfish attitude, that she was hurting people's feelings by calling them cheapskates, that I had taken a vote to try to do what was fair and that the idea behind votes is to go with the majority not with what one person wants. I also gave her the oppurtunity to withdraw from the Secret Santa if she was that unhappy with it. My manager and I then gave D the option to talk but she suddenly went quiet. All that big talk she does all day escaped her and she had nothing left to say except to apologise to me which I accepted. I said to her I like coming in to work and I like the friendly team atmosphere and so I hope we can be friends as it was not my intention to be aggressive or yell at her, that I was just trying to sort out an issue with her by talking with her about it.
For the rest of the day she never said a peep about Secret Santa and was nice to everyone including me. I was very proud of myself as I really think she was being a real bully and I think standing up to a bully is always a positive thing.
Quite a while ago my manager, knowing that she would be in the middle of her maternity leave over the Christmas period and not at work to give this matter her full attention, gave the job of organising our annual team Christmas party to somebody else. The lady that got given this task I am going to call "D". A bit of background into D is that she is quite a wealthy lady and kind of only works for something to do, rather than for the money. She and her husband have a million dollar house and she wears designer clothes. Her husband is a surgeon. This is all totally fine, but what is not fine is the fact that there have been incidences in the past when she has really rubbed this fact in everybody's faces. She also often suggests ideas for team events and so forth that the average person really can't afford as I don't think she understands what it's like for money to be scarce.
Anyway she never took a vote within the team or anything about what we all wanted to do for our Christmas party. Usually it is a dinner at a restaurant. Last year it was at a little Mexican place near work. It was about $20 a head, we could bring partners and it was a lot of fun as well as being affordable, even though it wasn't a 5 star gourmet place. At the time though, D made sure everybody knew it was very beneath her to eat food like nachos. This year D has taken it upon herself to book in for an exclusive restaurant in the city. The cost is $100 a head which makes it $200 if you want to bring your partner. That is out of reach of most of us in the team. Because at the time, our manager was heavily pregnant and just finishing up at work before starting her leave, she didn't do anything to make D organise a more suitable outing and so all the plans went ahead and we are having this party that hardly anyone can afford to go to and as a result lots of people are boycotting. This has caused a lot of tension in the team for the last couple of weeks.
Usually within our team at Christmas we do a Secret Santa. For those of you who don't know what that is it is the same as a Kris Kringle where you put everyone's name in a hat then everyone draws a name and you have to buy a present for that person. We usually exchange gifts at the Christmas party but because so many people aren't going now we have decided to have a "bring a plate of food" day at work the Monday before Christmas and exchange gifts then. Usually the person who organises the Christmas party also organises Secret Santa because they are kind of related, but because of all the trouble, our new manager decided to allocate this task to someone other than D. I volunteered as I thought at least if I run it I know I will do the right thing. Our manager announced I would be running it so right away I get all these people coming up to me giving ideas on what they think the money limit should be on the gifts and new ways to run it etc. So last week I called a 5 minute team meeting to talk to everyone about it. I said that the running of Secret Santa this year was going to be a democratic process to make sure we did what was fair and what the majority of people would be happy with. I explained I would be sending out a team email with some questions about how people wanted it run and that everybody had to email back so that it would be like a confidential vote. I added for people to remember that this is supposed to be a fun activity not something designed to stress people or burden them financially and that was why I was going with what the majority would be comfortable doing.
I sent out an email asking people 1. whether or not they wanted to participate in Secret Santa 2. to nominate what $ limit they would be comfortable spending, and 3. Did they want a traditional Secret Santa or did they have any ideas on any new fun ways it could be done? There are 20 of us in the team at work and the results went like this:
Everyone said yes they wanted to participate
Out of 20 people, 17 people said they wanted a $15 limit and the other 3 said higher than that.
Out of 20 people, 16 people said they just wanted a traditional Secret Santa, 2 gave ideas for a new way to run it, and the other 2 never answered the question and said they didn't mind how it was done.
So with a pretty overwhelming majority, yesterday I sent an email out saying that after considering everyone's preferences we would be doing a traditional Secret Santa with a $15 limit on the gift buying. Everyone seemed really happy that they had had a say and people were excited about doing it. But guess who started to voice her opinion and the fact that she had issues with it? You guessed it! D! First she says to me "traditional Secret Santa is boring. It's been done. We need to do something new." and then proceeds to tell me about how her family always does it. Apparently everyone buys a unisex present then someone selects one and opens it, then the next person can either choose to select another present or take the first person's gift off them if they like it better. I politely listened to her and then said that out of 20 team members 16 had voted for a traditional Secret Santa so that's what I have to go with. I also said that I thought the "taking people's presents" idea had the potential to cause arguements but told her thanks for her idea. After that, twice more throughout the day she tried to convince me why we should do Secret Santa her way and I met her comments with a very simalar comment to what I said earlier.
Then she started saying how a $15 limit was measly, that the team must be a bunch of cheapskates if they can't afford more than that. She asked me to tell her who said $15 so she could convince them to spend more. I said no that the vote was confidential and that it was a vast majority that voted for the $15 limit. Several more times she comes up to me and loud enough for everyone to hear made rude comments about people being pathetic not wanting to spend more than $15. I got really angry as she was upsetting everyone and so I went to my manager and told her what was happening. I said that she was welcome to address the issue with D personally if she felt it more appropriate, but that I wanted her to stop D from behaving this way, and that as Secret Santa is my project that D is ruining I feel I am entitled to address the issue with her provided I didn't get aggressive. My manager agreed and called a meeting with the 3 of us.
D walks in and thinks it is about the Christmas party so she didn't realise she was "in trouble" so to speak. My manager explains she has called the meeting as D's behaviour towards the Christmas celebrations has been unfavourable and that I have been upset and made a complaint. She had a talk to D about how and why her behaviour had been unacceptable and then let me talk. I was very calm and tactful but I told the truth and it all came out beautifully. I explained how the Secret Santa is being ruined by her selfish attitude, that she was hurting people's feelings by calling them cheapskates, that I had taken a vote to try to do what was fair and that the idea behind votes is to go with the majority not with what one person wants. I also gave her the oppurtunity to withdraw from the Secret Santa if she was that unhappy with it. My manager and I then gave D the option to talk but she suddenly went quiet. All that big talk she does all day escaped her and she had nothing left to say except to apologise to me which I accepted. I said to her I like coming in to work and I like the friendly team atmosphere and so I hope we can be friends as it was not my intention to be aggressive or yell at her, that I was just trying to sort out an issue with her by talking with her about it.
For the rest of the day she never said a peep about Secret Santa and was nice to everyone including me. I was very proud of myself as I really think she was being a real bully and I think standing up to a bully is always a positive thing.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Family, Friends and God
These last few days I seem to have clicked over into a pretty good place and have really felt thankful for the three things I have mentioned in today's post title. I thought in honor of this I would just do an update post on what's happening in my life at the moment and at the end I would like to share a really special story about something that happened to me the other day which I am still reeling about. Before you ask, no I'm not pregnant but it is something really amazing.
I know I try and maintain my anonymity as best as I can but I thought I might include a pic or two and I've decided I'm comfortable doing so. Here goes:
Nickie: First and formost I will start with my little boy, the absolute light of my life. He is growing so fast, has three teeth and a fourth one has just come through ever so slightly but you can only see a tiny bit of white. He says 4 words: Dada, Nan, Bub and as of last week Mama, which was an absolute joy to hear I can tell you. He is just over 9 months old and we are gearing up for his first Christmas in December. I am extremely excited about this. I am looking forward to decorating the tree with him as even though he can't really help much he is very intrigued by visual things so I think he will love the lights and all the tinsel. I really want to take him to see Santa at the shopping centre as well and get a photo. My favourite time of day with him is when he has just woken up first thing in the morning. He is always so incredibly happy then and in a silly playful mood, it is really beautiful. Below is a pic of him waking up from his nap yesterday.
Brad: Nothing much to report on my husband other than we are in a great place right now. We just celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary last week, and even though we were still not feeling great from our stomach virus, we did still get to go for our night away and had a great time. Other than that all I can say is he continues to be a wonderful source of strength and love for me and I'm very lucky to have such a wonderful husband.
Rhea: My SIL is now 32 weeks pregnant and looking and feeling great. They have only just started doing all their preparation for the baby's arrival. I think after losing their first pregnancy last year they were really heartbroken and not wanting to tempt fate by getting excited too early. Rhea was telling me yesterday that the car seat has been installed and that she had purchased a painting that she saw of a giraffe for the nursery. She sounded extremely happy. Fingers crossed for a safe delivery and a healthy happy bubs in early December. Baby is due Dec 11. Rhea has been a great support to me these past few months since I miscarried, because she has been there before and is familiar with all the emotions involved. I don't like to talk about it too much with her now though because I want her to enjoy her happy time.
My sister: It appears that my sister is indeed pregnant as I might have mentioned to you before that we were unsure if she genuinely was expecting, or whether she had invented the story. People might think we were harsh for thinking she would lie and make up such an important thing, but she has made up things like cancer scares, illnesses, friends that she has met who turned out to not be real, jobs that she has gotten that have also turned out to be fake. The list goes on. She told us two years ago that she and her husband had bought a house. She even took us to see the house complete with a sold sign. She told us very lengthy stories like how it was walking distance to the kid's school, how it took only 3 minutes to walk to the shops etc. We bought her gifts for the house, like table runners and towels and saucepans. The story kept going all the way up to supposed settlement day when she then had to finally admit that they had not actually bought the house at all. This is why it is a great disappointment to me to find that the pregnancy is real, as I believe my sister is very unwell psychologically and I feel sad that another child is being subjected to that kind of life. Both her kids are struggling at the moment. They live with their Dad now. They fluctuate between being completely off the rails and unruly and being quiet and withdrawn. I have included the update on my sister more to ask you all for your continued prayers for my sister and the baby. While I have made my choice to not have contact with her, I still pray she gets the help she needs, that she can get herself well and together and that the baby will be happy and healthy and the same for her two kids already here. Also just to let you know that she is due late Feb apparently. I think I will struggle with this at the time because my due date for the baby I lost would have been March 6. I hope I can deal with that ok.
Mum and Dad: Last time I spoke about them I told you all about the whole Nickie's car seat incident which blew up into a big family feud. It was really ridiculous and I still don't understand why it somehow ended up being my fault. It has all blown over now and we are all back to our old selves. Mum still isn't minding Nickie regularly although she does help me out from time to time which is great. I must say I am still a little annoyed by the whole situation but i think it has turned out to be a good thing. It has prompted me to be more assertive with my folks. My parents are very attached to me, I suppose because of my sister, and they can be a bit possessive of me. An example of this is for Christmas every year I have to tiptoe around and make sure they are not offended in any way by us spending too much time with Brad's family and not enough with them. If for example we leave their house too early on Christmas day to start going over to Brad's to see his family, we will definitely hear about it. And not just in passing it will be a big "they got half an hour extra of your time than we did" rant. For many years this has caused me a lot of stress. The car seat incident has really brought it home to me that while I love them and 80% of the time they are fabulous, the other 20% of the time they can be really unfairly demanding. This has prompted me to make some drastic changes for the better. For example, last week I laid down the law in regards to this Christmas. I called my parents and said that Christmas is supposed to be special and relaxing and that every Christmas my day is ruined by keeping everyone happy and travelling in the car to all different places to see every person. Now that we have a child we have decided we don't want the stress of that for now and that everyone is invited to our place for either lunch or dinner, whatever they preferred. I am going to cook a turkey and ham and have everything ready for people to show up. I said "If you show up for lunch, great. If you show up for dinner, great. If you just want to come for an hour or two for coffee and go somewhere else for lunch or dinner, great. But we will be here and are not leaving the house." It went over really well and has eliminated a lot of stress for me that is usually there keeping me awake in the holiday season.
Friends: I have such wonderful friends I am very lucky. Whether its my work friends or you guys here in blog land, or my friends from other aspects of my life you have all been so caring. An old friend of mine, Jack, that I used to play in a band with in my early 20's took me and Nickie out for lunch yesterday and it was such fun. It just highlighted to me the importance of good friendship and how it can get you through the toughest of times.
Lastly and most importantly, there is God.
My faith has wavered at different points in my life, but I have really felt God there for me during these last few months since having the miscarriage. Even so, I still don't go to church. I used to but during the infertility I really had a falling out with God and stopped going and I have kind of been too ashamed to go back. Lately I have been feeling like I want and need to go back to church and have been trying to work up the courage to go to a local one. My old church was where we used to live which is almost an hours drive so I would like to find one closer to home. I always get nervous about going somewhere new where there will be no one I know so I haven't worked up the courage yet.
The other day, something wonderful happened which made me marvel at how great God really is, and how loving. I have really struggled with the fact that the baby I lost is someone I will never know. I wonder whether it was a boy or a girl, whether it would have loved the water like Nickie does, wther it would have been a good sleeper. It keeps me awake at night knowing that I will never know who that baby was and who it would have become. Brad and I decided to plant something in our garden as a tribute and we decided also that it was only fair that Nickie got a tree too. In our garden right outside of our kitchen window, so whenever I make my coffee of a morning, or cook dinner in the evening it's the first thing I see, are two crab apple trees. One for Nickie and one for our angel baby. When we bought them they were not flowering so the only way of telling what colour the blossoms would be was by the label on the plant. We chose a red blossom for Nickie that had flecks of dark purple through them - so dark that they look blue. That was as close as we could get to a "boy coloured" blossom. For our angel we chose soft yellow, not knowing if we had a little boy or girl up in heaven. I have been praying lately for God to give me peace that I will never know whether our baby was a boy or a girl. Then one day this week I woke up and made my coffee, looked out the kitchen window and saw that the buds on our baby's "yellow" blossom had finally opened up. But look what I saw!!!:
PINK!!! The plant had the wrong label on it when we chose it and we ended up with a pink one! Maybe this is God's way of telling me something about my baby, so that I can know one small little detail about who my baby was. That is how I am taking it, and I can't tell you how much peace that little detail has given me. God is amazing and I am so thankful.
I wish you all a wonderful week. And apologies for my bad pic posting skills, I'm still learning how to insert the pics in my posts!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Update on Cate
Just to let you all know that Cate is home from hospital. She had a colonoscopy yesterday so they could take a look at her bowel. It turns out she has Irritable Bowel Syndrome which she has probably had for quite sometime. Because it has gone untreated for so long and she has been unknowingly eating the wrong foods etc the bowel has become very swollen and irritated and that was what was causing all that trouble.
Cate and her partner actually live in Sydney and this all happened while she was down visiting her friends and family in Melbourne. It worked out well that way as she was able to have all of us around to offer her support and visit etc as they have only just moved to Sydney about two months ago. Anyway so she is "home" at her mother's house and feeling a lot better. She is still a little bit sore but is on some pain medication and antibiotics but is on the road to recovery and will be able to fly back to Sydney on Sunday.
Brad and I have both been in the wars a bit as I came down with a stomach virus Thurs morning and spent all yesterday unable to move out of bed except to go to the bathroom to throw up. Brad stayed home from work to look after Nickie. Then last night Brad started throwing up and we were both unable to move out of bed. Nickie is staying at my mother's house as she kindly offered to take him when we both became so sick. He seems to have dodged the virus so far and we are hoping it stays that way. It's now Fri afternoon and it was our 3rd wedding anniversary yesterday but I was too sick to even comprehend that at the time. We have a hotel room booked for tomorrow night and dinner reservations. We have planned for Nickie to stay at Brad's mother's house on Sat night. We are just hoping we will be well enough to go. At the moment we are both not vomiting anymore and are just at the feeling really drained, not able to eat much stage. We are both just going to try to rest and hopefully after another night's sleep we will feel well enough to go tomorrow night. Fingers crossed!
Cate and her partner actually live in Sydney and this all happened while she was down visiting her friends and family in Melbourne. It worked out well that way as she was able to have all of us around to offer her support and visit etc as they have only just moved to Sydney about two months ago. Anyway so she is "home" at her mother's house and feeling a lot better. She is still a little bit sore but is on some pain medication and antibiotics but is on the road to recovery and will be able to fly back to Sydney on Sunday.
Brad and I have both been in the wars a bit as I came down with a stomach virus Thurs morning and spent all yesterday unable to move out of bed except to go to the bathroom to throw up. Brad stayed home from work to look after Nickie. Then last night Brad started throwing up and we were both unable to move out of bed. Nickie is staying at my mother's house as she kindly offered to take him when we both became so sick. He seems to have dodged the virus so far and we are hoping it stays that way. It's now Fri afternoon and it was our 3rd wedding anniversary yesterday but I was too sick to even comprehend that at the time. We have a hotel room booked for tomorrow night and dinner reservations. We have planned for Nickie to stay at Brad's mother's house on Sat night. We are just hoping we will be well enough to go. At the moment we are both not vomiting anymore and are just at the feeling really drained, not able to eat much stage. We are both just going to try to rest and hopefully after another night's sleep we will feel well enough to go tomorrow night. Fingers crossed!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Prayers for Cate
Hi all, just a quick post as it's very late here and I'm really tired. My best friend Cate who I mentioned last post is in hospital at the moment. She was taken to emergency on Saturday with extreme abdominal pain and was admitted to a ward. They have done CT scans and ultrasounds as well as a whole heap of blood work and are at a bit of a loss as to what is wrong. They can see a section of her bowel is inflamed so that is what is causing the pain most probably, but they are unsure as to what is causing the inflammation and say it could be anything from a blockage in the bowel to an infection to untreated/undiagnosed irritable bowel syndrome.
Cate is on morphiene and has been since Sat to keep the pain under control. This is making her a bit loopy and not very alert. She drifts in and out of a dozing state most of the time. A surgeon is due to come and see her to assess whether they will need to do some investigative surgery to try to figure out what the problem is. She is being kept on "nil by mouth" which means she can sip clear fluids but is not able to eat just in case they have to operate.
Please send out all your best prayers for her to wish her a speedy recovery and that the doctors are able soon to find the cause of all this and start to fix it. I'm very worried about her and am hoping to see her back to her old self soon.
Thanks guys. I'll keep you posted.
Cate is on morphiene and has been since Sat to keep the pain under control. This is making her a bit loopy and not very alert. She drifts in and out of a dozing state most of the time. A surgeon is due to come and see her to assess whether they will need to do some investigative surgery to try to figure out what the problem is. She is being kept on "nil by mouth" which means she can sip clear fluids but is not able to eat just in case they have to operate.
Please send out all your best prayers for her to wish her a speedy recovery and that the doctors are able soon to find the cause of all this and start to fix it. I'm very worried about her and am hoping to see her back to her old self soon.
Thanks guys. I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
It's Complicated!
Every now and then something happens to make me wish that Brad and I could go back in time to the uncomplicated days gone by. Not that I don't love where and what we are now. Brad is a beautiful loving husband whom I love back with all my heart. But infertility has a way of making even the best relationships struggle sometimes, I think. There was a time when we were on the same page about everything. Now sometimes I get annoyed - not with Brad, with the infertility - that sometimes it seems like we are on completely different pages. I remember reading in a magazine while waiting in one of my many specialist's offices, an article about how couples cope with infertility. It listed some bizzarre statistic like that 60% of couples break up over infertility struggles. It was extremely early in our baby journey and I remember almost scoffing as I read and thinking "well those partnerships aren't very strong then." But now, years later, though Brad and I are one of the lucky couples, we both totally understand why this statistic is so.
Infertility is hard! I can't help but remember how blissfully simple life used to be with Brad before we knew there was a problem in the baby department. We met each other whilst studying, were friends for awhile and I had a crush on him before too long. I mentioned him a few times (ok, more than a few!) to my best friend Cate and when she accompanied me to a party one night which Brad also happened to be at, she took it upon herself to drop a few not so subtle hints to him that I was interested. I am not sure to this day exactly what she said and Brad claims he doesn't remember, but one minute we were all chatting and laughing together, then I go up to the bar to get us all another round of drinks and left the two of them alone for a few seconds. The next thing I know, I am returning with the drinks and Brad is grinning at me and asking me did I want to go out sometime!
So we started off with a few movies, dinners etc as you do and before long we were pretty hooked on each other. From that moment on for the next few years until after our wedding when we started trying for kids, life was just so blissfully easy. Since then we have been through so much: infertility, various treatments relating to that, IVF, various complications relating to that, a pregnancy which was completely wonderful but also really hard too because I was so sick and in and out of hospital throughout the whole thing, and now a miscarriage. I love Brad with all my heart and Nickie too. To have both my boys in my life brings me such absolute joy that I don't want you to think I am complaining about my life. Everything we went through, Nickie has made well worth it, a million times over. If we had to we would both live through the whole thing again to have him. I just wonder sometimes why it had to be us. Why not one of those couple out there that are not fussed whether or not they have childern? Why did WE, the couple who felt they were born to be parents, end up being the ones who couldn't without a struggle? If only we could have just got married, started trying and had Nickie. I wonder if things would still seem so blissfully simple and whether that would be a good thing or not? Maybe we need complexities in life to keep us interested?
This coming weekend is Nickie's naming day which we are very happy and excited about. I have written a poem about how special he is that is going to be read on the day, we have ordered the most awesome cake, and we are looking forward to spending the day with our family and close friends. This weekend that has just gone, Brad and I decided we would have a big working bee in our yard to get it looking great for the special day, as after the ceremony we are having a big BBQ. A few weeks ago we had really strong winds which were a bit freakish for Spring, and this huge bush/shrub thing that we had in our garden got blown in the wind and actually snapped clean off at the base and so we had to dig it out as we couldn't salvage it. It was quite pretty so it was a shame to lose it, and it was really big so it left a huge space in our garden. We spoke about what we wanted to put there in it's place and came up with the idea that we wanted to get two smaller plants to fill the spot, one to represent Nickie and one to represent the baby we lost. During our working bee on Sunday we went out and chose the plants. I wanted something pretty and simple, but I had trouble choosing. It bugged me that Brad didn't really seem to get how important it was to me to pick the "right" thing. In the end I had to explain to him that I am sad that Nickie gets a naming day and a whole party, and our other baby just gets a plant and that this is why I am wanting to choose carefully and make sure it's beautiful. I watched his face change with realisation as I said this, and at that moment I knew he had "got it". But it bugged me that I had to explain. I wish we could both go through this grief process at the same pace, instead of being on different pages about it most of the time.
Infertility is hard! I can't help but remember how blissfully simple life used to be with Brad before we knew there was a problem in the baby department. We met each other whilst studying, were friends for awhile and I had a crush on him before too long. I mentioned him a few times (ok, more than a few!) to my best friend Cate and when she accompanied me to a party one night which Brad also happened to be at, she took it upon herself to drop a few not so subtle hints to him that I was interested. I am not sure to this day exactly what she said and Brad claims he doesn't remember, but one minute we were all chatting and laughing together, then I go up to the bar to get us all another round of drinks and left the two of them alone for a few seconds. The next thing I know, I am returning with the drinks and Brad is grinning at me and asking me did I want to go out sometime!
So we started off with a few movies, dinners etc as you do and before long we were pretty hooked on each other. From that moment on for the next few years until after our wedding when we started trying for kids, life was just so blissfully easy. Since then we have been through so much: infertility, various treatments relating to that, IVF, various complications relating to that, a pregnancy which was completely wonderful but also really hard too because I was so sick and in and out of hospital throughout the whole thing, and now a miscarriage. I love Brad with all my heart and Nickie too. To have both my boys in my life brings me such absolute joy that I don't want you to think I am complaining about my life. Everything we went through, Nickie has made well worth it, a million times over. If we had to we would both live through the whole thing again to have him. I just wonder sometimes why it had to be us. Why not one of those couple out there that are not fussed whether or not they have childern? Why did WE, the couple who felt they were born to be parents, end up being the ones who couldn't without a struggle? If only we could have just got married, started trying and had Nickie. I wonder if things would still seem so blissfully simple and whether that would be a good thing or not? Maybe we need complexities in life to keep us interested?
This coming weekend is Nickie's naming day which we are very happy and excited about. I have written a poem about how special he is that is going to be read on the day, we have ordered the most awesome cake, and we are looking forward to spending the day with our family and close friends. This weekend that has just gone, Brad and I decided we would have a big working bee in our yard to get it looking great for the special day, as after the ceremony we are having a big BBQ. A few weeks ago we had really strong winds which were a bit freakish for Spring, and this huge bush/shrub thing that we had in our garden got blown in the wind and actually snapped clean off at the base and so we had to dig it out as we couldn't salvage it. It was quite pretty so it was a shame to lose it, and it was really big so it left a huge space in our garden. We spoke about what we wanted to put there in it's place and came up with the idea that we wanted to get two smaller plants to fill the spot, one to represent Nickie and one to represent the baby we lost. During our working bee on Sunday we went out and chose the plants. I wanted something pretty and simple, but I had trouble choosing. It bugged me that Brad didn't really seem to get how important it was to me to pick the "right" thing. In the end I had to explain to him that I am sad that Nickie gets a naming day and a whole party, and our other baby just gets a plant and that this is why I am wanting to choose carefully and make sure it's beautiful. I watched his face change with realisation as I said this, and at that moment I knew he had "got it". But it bugged me that I had to explain. I wish we could both go through this grief process at the same pace, instead of being on different pages about it most of the time.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
What could have been and what now is....
It's Rhea's last day at work tomorrow before she begins her maternity leave. She is so very excited, it's wonderful. Her due date is Dec 11. Seeing her experience this milestone is making me reflect back on the time of my life when I was relaxing at home waiting for Nickie. I was completely sick, throwing up every second of the day, being monitored for high blood pressure, my feet were so swollen they just looked like huge pieces of meat. But you know what? I loved it! It felt serene. So peaceful and so beautiful. I think it was one of the most special times of my life.
Life kind of came to this peaceful standstill while Brad and I prepared to meet our son. We shopped together and got his room ready, we went to our birthing classes. We laid in bed many a night till early hours of the morning feeling Nickie kick us and we talked about what he might look like and who he might be and what life might be like as a family of three. Some mornings I'd get up early with Brad and we'd eat breakfast together and go for a walk and then after he'd leave for work I'd soak in the tub or curl up in bed with a good book.
Towards the very end of the pregnancy when I got quite sick with the blood pressure, Mum took me under her wing and looked after me while Brad worked. She would drive me around to appointments and to the shops to get groceries and so forth. Some nights I would wake up and feel restless and if it wasn't too late I'd call Mum for company as she is quite the night owl and is often up till all hours. We went to so many late night movies and watched lots of DVDs and sometimes I'd sleep over at her house if I got drowsy during the movie! The next day when I'd see Brad again he'd joke how great it was to have some room in the bed without "the two of you" in it taking up all the room. And then he'd kiss my belly and say he was just joking and that he had missed us.
Some days I think back to these magical moments and remember the baby I lost and feel sad that I never got to live through all that for a second time. Then I remember how privellaged and blessed I am to have lived through it once. Every time I pick up my little man and he "hugs" me by holding onto me and snuggling into my shoulder grinning, everytime I tickle his armpit and hear his little laugh, I am so thankful. Thankyou so much Lord for making me a mother. I know I could have been a mother of two, but right now I'm a mother of one....and you know what? That's pretty damn great! :)
Life kind of came to this peaceful standstill while Brad and I prepared to meet our son. We shopped together and got his room ready, we went to our birthing classes. We laid in bed many a night till early hours of the morning feeling Nickie kick us and we talked about what he might look like and who he might be and what life might be like as a family of three. Some mornings I'd get up early with Brad and we'd eat breakfast together and go for a walk and then after he'd leave for work I'd soak in the tub or curl up in bed with a good book.
Towards the very end of the pregnancy when I got quite sick with the blood pressure, Mum took me under her wing and looked after me while Brad worked. She would drive me around to appointments and to the shops to get groceries and so forth. Some nights I would wake up and feel restless and if it wasn't too late I'd call Mum for company as she is quite the night owl and is often up till all hours. We went to so many late night movies and watched lots of DVDs and sometimes I'd sleep over at her house if I got drowsy during the movie! The next day when I'd see Brad again he'd joke how great it was to have some room in the bed without "the two of you" in it taking up all the room. And then he'd kiss my belly and say he was just joking and that he had missed us.
Some days I think back to these magical moments and remember the baby I lost and feel sad that I never got to live through all that for a second time. Then I remember how privellaged and blessed I am to have lived through it once. Every time I pick up my little man and he "hugs" me by holding onto me and snuggling into my shoulder grinning, everytime I tickle his armpit and hear his little laugh, I am so thankful. Thankyou so much Lord for making me a mother. I know I could have been a mother of two, but right now I'm a mother of one....and you know what? That's pretty damn great! :)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Oh My Lordy!!!
I have had such a stressful week. I'm so glad to have this blog to do a bit of venting and get some neutral perspective from my fellow bloggers. As you all know I work Mon and Fri and while I work my mum minds Nickie. It was something she wanted to do for me since I was pregnant as we are very close and I think after the stress my sister puts my folks through they are grateful that I'm no trouble to them haha. Also I think they respect and appreciate how hard Brad and I work to provide for ourselves and for Nickie so Mum wanted to do something to help us by minding him and eliminating the cost of daycare. She has been doing a great job and really enjoying it so far. Nickie absolutely adores her and enjoys his Nan days immensely so the arrangement has been awesome. Until Monday....
I have shown my mum many times how to fold our pram down and up and she has always had trouble mastering it. When I work I leave my car for mum and she drives Nickie around if she wants to go anywhere. Often she will take him to the shops or to her place. On Monday she took him to her place and she, my dad and Nickie went for a walk using the pram which mum got out of the boot of my car. After they got back, mum started to pack up Nickie to bring him back to my house and was having trouble folding the pram down to get it back in the car boot. My dad told her he would see if he could do it and to go inside and get Nickie ready and he would take care of it. She got Nickie ready and came back out and dad has got the pram into the boot so mum drives him back to my house.
I need to digress here and explain my dad has an ongoing habit of trying to fix things he knows nothing about and ending up breaking them. I got a car stereo for my 20th birthday and I booked in to get it installed professionally but dad wouldn't listen and thought he could do it himself. I said no and so one day when I was out with a friend and not using the car, dad decided he would "surprise me" and instal it while I was out. The result was that I not only had to pay to have the stereo installed properly, I also had to pay an extra $50 to have my air conditioning re-wired as my dad had ripped out all the wires in his attempt to wire up the stereo. I was not impressed. This is only one instance, there have been many over the years.
Anyway I get home from work, mum is at my house and she says to me "Pax can you come out and make sure everything is ok with the baby car seat because it looks sort of different than it usually does." I come out and realise with horror that the whole seat is unhooked and unrestrained. There are straps and a safety anchor that all connect up in the boot of the car and are bolted in and the bolt is just loose and lying on the floor in the back seat and all the straps are just loose in the back seat and not attached to anything. My first thought, not knowing anything about my Dad being near that area at the time was that the car seat had come out because it was faulty or had been improperly installed. I never dreamed it was anything to do with anything my parents had done so I was not yelling or directing anything towards Mum. I was just in shock saying things like "oh no, I can't believe this, to think I have been driving Nickie around on a car seat like this. Did you see anything odd about the seat before this Mum because I haven't seen anything before? I'll have to contact the store....etc" I have to digress again and add that since the miscarriage I have noticed my stress levels are higher and I get very jumpy and upset about the littlest things especially when they are to do with Nickie. Worry sometimes keeps me awake at night too and it is something I talk about with the counsellor I see regularly and she gives me strategies to deal with stress. Mum does know all this.
Mum then says "Oh no....I have an awful feeling your father has done this." and she proceeds to tell me the story of the pram. I have a sinking feeling that it was indeed my dad's doing and mum starts to feel terrible that she has driven him home with the seat like that and that he has caused trouble because now I will have to get the seat refitted etc...I say to her it wasn't her fault, she is not to know. In my head I was kind of thinking well how could she not notice all the bolts and staps everywhere but really I know it's not her fault and she does feel terrible so I told her not to worry, that we would sort it out and that Nickie is ok so we'll just make sure it doesn't happen again and maybe talk to dad about how important the car seat safety is (ie. stop touching things!). She goes home and I can tell she is stressed. I was stressed too but not angry at her, just frustrated because now I have a problem to fix and I am thinking about all the appointments we have that I am going to have to postpone as I had a busy couple of days ahead.
Later that night I decided to go over to Mum and Dad's to check Mum was ok and to talk to Dad. Dad is all frosty to me so I think "ok Mum has told him I was annoyed" but I just started to have a friendly conversation with him to let him know while I was not impressed, I was also not going to hold a grudge. I asked him could he come out to my car with me. I showed him all the straps and how they hook up in the boot and that there is a big bolt which is a safety anchor to make sure Nickie's car seat is secured to something so it wont go flying around the car. I asked him did he undo it and if so why did he do that? He says yes he undid it all because the pram wouldn't fit in the car boot and the bolts and straps were in the way and he didn't realise what they were for. By this time I am starting to feel pretty pissed off because I found that to be incredibly irresponsible. I tried to remain calm and speak to him nicely but at the same time I wanted to be firm and for him to understand the gravity of what he had done. I said to him that he has to learn that now that I have a baby a lot of things in my car and home are installed to make Nickie safer and so there might be straps and bolts and things everywhere and they are there for a purpose. I said not knowing what something is is not an excuse for tampering with something and that if he is not 100% sure of what something is and that he knows how to use it, then he is not to touch or tamper with it. I explained to him that an easier way would have been to leave the pram at their house and I could have collected it later, and that instead poor mum is feeling bad as she has driven Nickie home unsafely. Not once did I raise my voice although I was quite direct with what I said. Dad starts cracking it with me and yelling at me and he storms inside. I gave Mum a hug and said i was sorry for causing a scene but that I really felt something had to be said to him and told her I loved her and I'd see her another time.
The next day I call to check on her and she is not talking to me!!!! She tells me how dare I yell at her and Dad and she feels I am too critical of the way she looks after Nickie and that this is not the first time I have been critical and she is sick of it. She yells at me that I can find someone else to look after Nickie because she is not doing it any longer, she is sick of being judged. Then she hung up on me. I was gobsmacked! Not once did I "yell" at neither her nor dad. I don't feel I even raised my voice. And yes I did speak tersely to Dad but i feel not touching the car seat bolts was something a little kid would know. Who in their right mind would see at that set up and then undo it and not even worry about what it was or think to look what it was or even to ask Mum? And I certainly never directed any of my frustrations on Mum either as I didn't feel it was her fault.
Brad and I had a huge talk about what to do. We wondered if I should quit my job or if perhaps Mum might come to her senses. Then I said to Brad that I preferred to make other arrangements even if she does come to her senses. I thought now that she has accused me of being over critical then I will feel like I can't even have a say in the way she looks after my own child. Also I think I would walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting her again and causing her to "quit" babysitting Nickie. We decided after a day of deliberation that I would continue to work and we would put Nickie in daycare for the two days. We have spent the last two days chasing around looking at day care centres and choosing one. He is now all enrolled and ready to start this Monday. I then had to find an emergency babysitter for this Friday. My best friends Mum said she would be more than happy to help which I so appreciated. She is a lovely lady and has been like a second Mum to me since I was 13.
So with everything all set my Mum finally calls me and is now talking to me civally. She offers her babysitting services back but on a "trial basis" and she is not sure how long she will do it for. I said "Mum thanks so much for all you have done and thanks for the offer but Brad and I have made alternate arrangements." She is all shocked as if she thought that without her babysitting we would fall in a heap. I told her that I hoped in time she would still like to spend a day with Nickie every now and then because he will really miss her. She seemed really sad and regretting her "resignation". I am trying not to hold a grudge about the way she has acted but I am really sad and hurt. She has taken a really nice thing away from both herself and Nickie for the sake of being petty. I don't mind if she doesn't want to mind him because he is my obligation not hers, it is just the way she acted.
I can't believe after all my sister has done and still continues to do and they forgive her, they then turn around and haul me across the coals for this stupid car seat incident when it wasn't even me that did anything. Dad never once apologised for doing what he did, or even for inconveniencing me, nor did he offer to pay the $40 we had to pay to get the seat re-installed and safety tested. Not that I would have taken the money but it would have been nice to be offered. Dad is still not talking to me as he is so disappointed in me for being so rude to him! Yet my sister causes them to have debt collectors knocking at their door looking for her. She steals their credit cards and forges their signatures, she has stolen Mum's jewellery in the past and they never even react! I'm really quite hurt.
As well as that I am nervous that Nickie will now be in daycare. It looked like a lovely place and it will probably turn out that he will have a great time but it makes me feel funny. I guess probably because it's new and because of the circumstances. I hope we all feel better soon about everything. Sorry for the long post guys I'll shut up now! XOXOXO
I have shown my mum many times how to fold our pram down and up and she has always had trouble mastering it. When I work I leave my car for mum and she drives Nickie around if she wants to go anywhere. Often she will take him to the shops or to her place. On Monday she took him to her place and she, my dad and Nickie went for a walk using the pram which mum got out of the boot of my car. After they got back, mum started to pack up Nickie to bring him back to my house and was having trouble folding the pram down to get it back in the car boot. My dad told her he would see if he could do it and to go inside and get Nickie ready and he would take care of it. She got Nickie ready and came back out and dad has got the pram into the boot so mum drives him back to my house.
I need to digress here and explain my dad has an ongoing habit of trying to fix things he knows nothing about and ending up breaking them. I got a car stereo for my 20th birthday and I booked in to get it installed professionally but dad wouldn't listen and thought he could do it himself. I said no and so one day when I was out with a friend and not using the car, dad decided he would "surprise me" and instal it while I was out. The result was that I not only had to pay to have the stereo installed properly, I also had to pay an extra $50 to have my air conditioning re-wired as my dad had ripped out all the wires in his attempt to wire up the stereo. I was not impressed. This is only one instance, there have been many over the years.
Anyway I get home from work, mum is at my house and she says to me "Pax can you come out and make sure everything is ok with the baby car seat because it looks sort of different than it usually does." I come out and realise with horror that the whole seat is unhooked and unrestrained. There are straps and a safety anchor that all connect up in the boot of the car and are bolted in and the bolt is just loose and lying on the floor in the back seat and all the straps are just loose in the back seat and not attached to anything. My first thought, not knowing anything about my Dad being near that area at the time was that the car seat had come out because it was faulty or had been improperly installed. I never dreamed it was anything to do with anything my parents had done so I was not yelling or directing anything towards Mum. I was just in shock saying things like "oh no, I can't believe this, to think I have been driving Nickie around on a car seat like this. Did you see anything odd about the seat before this Mum because I haven't seen anything before? I'll have to contact the store....etc" I have to digress again and add that since the miscarriage I have noticed my stress levels are higher and I get very jumpy and upset about the littlest things especially when they are to do with Nickie. Worry sometimes keeps me awake at night too and it is something I talk about with the counsellor I see regularly and she gives me strategies to deal with stress. Mum does know all this.
Mum then says "Oh no....I have an awful feeling your father has done this." and she proceeds to tell me the story of the pram. I have a sinking feeling that it was indeed my dad's doing and mum starts to feel terrible that she has driven him home with the seat like that and that he has caused trouble because now I will have to get the seat refitted etc...I say to her it wasn't her fault, she is not to know. In my head I was kind of thinking well how could she not notice all the bolts and staps everywhere but really I know it's not her fault and she does feel terrible so I told her not to worry, that we would sort it out and that Nickie is ok so we'll just make sure it doesn't happen again and maybe talk to dad about how important the car seat safety is (ie. stop touching things!). She goes home and I can tell she is stressed. I was stressed too but not angry at her, just frustrated because now I have a problem to fix and I am thinking about all the appointments we have that I am going to have to postpone as I had a busy couple of days ahead.
Later that night I decided to go over to Mum and Dad's to check Mum was ok and to talk to Dad. Dad is all frosty to me so I think "ok Mum has told him I was annoyed" but I just started to have a friendly conversation with him to let him know while I was not impressed, I was also not going to hold a grudge. I asked him could he come out to my car with me. I showed him all the straps and how they hook up in the boot and that there is a big bolt which is a safety anchor to make sure Nickie's car seat is secured to something so it wont go flying around the car. I asked him did he undo it and if so why did he do that? He says yes he undid it all because the pram wouldn't fit in the car boot and the bolts and straps were in the way and he didn't realise what they were for. By this time I am starting to feel pretty pissed off because I found that to be incredibly irresponsible. I tried to remain calm and speak to him nicely but at the same time I wanted to be firm and for him to understand the gravity of what he had done. I said to him that he has to learn that now that I have a baby a lot of things in my car and home are installed to make Nickie safer and so there might be straps and bolts and things everywhere and they are there for a purpose. I said not knowing what something is is not an excuse for tampering with something and that if he is not 100% sure of what something is and that he knows how to use it, then he is not to touch or tamper with it. I explained to him that an easier way would have been to leave the pram at their house and I could have collected it later, and that instead poor mum is feeling bad as she has driven Nickie home unsafely. Not once did I raise my voice although I was quite direct with what I said. Dad starts cracking it with me and yelling at me and he storms inside. I gave Mum a hug and said i was sorry for causing a scene but that I really felt something had to be said to him and told her I loved her and I'd see her another time.
The next day I call to check on her and she is not talking to me!!!! She tells me how dare I yell at her and Dad and she feels I am too critical of the way she looks after Nickie and that this is not the first time I have been critical and she is sick of it. She yells at me that I can find someone else to look after Nickie because she is not doing it any longer, she is sick of being judged. Then she hung up on me. I was gobsmacked! Not once did I "yell" at neither her nor dad. I don't feel I even raised my voice. And yes I did speak tersely to Dad but i feel not touching the car seat bolts was something a little kid would know. Who in their right mind would see at that set up and then undo it and not even worry about what it was or think to look what it was or even to ask Mum? And I certainly never directed any of my frustrations on Mum either as I didn't feel it was her fault.
Brad and I had a huge talk about what to do. We wondered if I should quit my job or if perhaps Mum might come to her senses. Then I said to Brad that I preferred to make other arrangements even if she does come to her senses. I thought now that she has accused me of being over critical then I will feel like I can't even have a say in the way she looks after my own child. Also I think I would walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting her again and causing her to "quit" babysitting Nickie. We decided after a day of deliberation that I would continue to work and we would put Nickie in daycare for the two days. We have spent the last two days chasing around looking at day care centres and choosing one. He is now all enrolled and ready to start this Monday. I then had to find an emergency babysitter for this Friday. My best friends Mum said she would be more than happy to help which I so appreciated. She is a lovely lady and has been like a second Mum to me since I was 13.
So with everything all set my Mum finally calls me and is now talking to me civally. She offers her babysitting services back but on a "trial basis" and she is not sure how long she will do it for. I said "Mum thanks so much for all you have done and thanks for the offer but Brad and I have made alternate arrangements." She is all shocked as if she thought that without her babysitting we would fall in a heap. I told her that I hoped in time she would still like to spend a day with Nickie every now and then because he will really miss her. She seemed really sad and regretting her "resignation". I am trying not to hold a grudge about the way she has acted but I am really sad and hurt. She has taken a really nice thing away from both herself and Nickie for the sake of being petty. I don't mind if she doesn't want to mind him because he is my obligation not hers, it is just the way she acted.
I can't believe after all my sister has done and still continues to do and they forgive her, they then turn around and haul me across the coals for this stupid car seat incident when it wasn't even me that did anything. Dad never once apologised for doing what he did, or even for inconveniencing me, nor did he offer to pay the $40 we had to pay to get the seat re-installed and safety tested. Not that I would have taken the money but it would have been nice to be offered. Dad is still not talking to me as he is so disappointed in me for being so rude to him! Yet my sister causes them to have debt collectors knocking at their door looking for her. She steals their credit cards and forges their signatures, she has stolen Mum's jewellery in the past and they never even react! I'm really quite hurt.
As well as that I am nervous that Nickie will now be in daycare. It looked like a lovely place and it will probably turn out that he will have a great time but it makes me feel funny. I guess probably because it's new and because of the circumstances. I hope we all feel better soon about everything. Sorry for the long post guys I'll shut up now! XOXOXO
Monday, August 31, 2009
Babies, babies everywhere!
Hi everyone. It's Monday night and I am sitting here at 10.45pm writing leisurely knowing that it's the start of what I call my "weekend". I work every Monday and Friday. I know that means that I have Saturday and Sunday off like everyone else but I seem to love the feeling of finishing up work on a Monday evening and knowing I have my mid week days off ahead. Somehow it feels even better to have days off when I know everyone else is working hahaha. Kind of like forbidden fruit and how it is always supposed to taste sweeter!
I am really looking forward to this Sunday as it is Father's Day here, which I think I mentioned last post. I asked Brad what he wanted to do and he said that he wants to take Nickie to the zoo! I think he is a bit young but I think the day will be fun so I have happily agreed and am looking forward to it. It was also Brad's birthday last Friday so he has had a lot of pampering lately. We had a little lunch for him yesterday with Rhea and Paul and had a lot of fun. I dressed Nickie up in a really cool outfit in honour of it being Daddy's "party". He wore these little skinny jeans and a long sleeved tee with a short sleeved shirt over the top. He really did look so adorable.
The plans are in full swing for Nickie's naming day celebration which will be on Oct 4. I wanted to have a "naming day cake" and assumed I would visit our local bakery and get a simple one with maybe his name written on it. Brad on the other hand has seen the most lavish cake on the internet. It is a giant green dinsosaur and it is very spectacular and very expensive. Brad is convinced that is the cake we should have! I am trying to explain that it is a waste of money because Nickie won't even be eating any of it (he has not one tooth yet!) but Brad thinks we should indulge and have a cool cake and that Nickie will like it. I tried to compromise and suggest we get the Humpty Dumpty one that they also make as it is less expensive and probably more appropriate for a Naming Day. Apparently though Brad has "spoken with Nickie and he wants the dinosaur". I have a feeling these boys will overule me!
On Friday my Assistant manager will be working her last day before leaving on Maternity Leave for a year. You might remember my manager left on Maternity leave recently too? It has been babies everywhere at my work for awhile. Another collegue had a baby 3 months ago. Since I had Nickie in Jan and both my manager and assistant manager are due in Oct, that makes four births in my team at work this year. The Department manager says he will be replacing our water dispenser so we stop getting pregnant and going on leave as he is losing all his staff to motherhood! We have a shower planned for Cathy - the assistant manager - for her last day and I have found myself getting apprehensive about it. It is really strange to me that even though I am a mother and have my beautiful Nickie, that infertility and the miscarriage still really hurt and still make it hard for me to deal with things like baby showers. It seems incredibly selfish to me and I can't explain it. I see Cathy's belly and hear her getting excited about going on maternity leave and preparing for her approaching arrival, getting nervous about the birth, all that stuff and I do honestly feel happy for her, but at the same time I feel awful to admit that sometimes I find myself feeling sad for myself. I remind myself that I have had all of those wonderful things. I have had the lovely belly and the maternity clothes and the shower and the maternity leave. I have had the kicks coming from my belly and the cravings and the excitement of going to ultrasounds. But i loved it so much it hurts that I will never have all that again. So many people get to do it two or three times. I feel like a spoilt child but I want all that again. I want Nickie to have it too - for him to be a big brother. Part of the reason we decided to have a naming day for Nickie was because it feels so easy for both Brad and I to focus on feeling sad about all we have lost with the recent miscarriage. We don't want to do that though because really we are lucky. We don't want to remember what we have lost, we want to celebrate what we have gained. We are lucky to have our precious son and we know that every second of every day. But I guess we shouldn't expect that to take away the hurt at the baby that went to heaven instead of into our arms.
I am really looking forward to this Sunday as it is Father's Day here, which I think I mentioned last post. I asked Brad what he wanted to do and he said that he wants to take Nickie to the zoo! I think he is a bit young but I think the day will be fun so I have happily agreed and am looking forward to it. It was also Brad's birthday last Friday so he has had a lot of pampering lately. We had a little lunch for him yesterday with Rhea and Paul and had a lot of fun. I dressed Nickie up in a really cool outfit in honour of it being Daddy's "party". He wore these little skinny jeans and a long sleeved tee with a short sleeved shirt over the top. He really did look so adorable.
The plans are in full swing for Nickie's naming day celebration which will be on Oct 4. I wanted to have a "naming day cake" and assumed I would visit our local bakery and get a simple one with maybe his name written on it. Brad on the other hand has seen the most lavish cake on the internet. It is a giant green dinsosaur and it is very spectacular and very expensive. Brad is convinced that is the cake we should have! I am trying to explain that it is a waste of money because Nickie won't even be eating any of it (he has not one tooth yet!) but Brad thinks we should indulge and have a cool cake and that Nickie will like it. I tried to compromise and suggest we get the Humpty Dumpty one that they also make as it is less expensive and probably more appropriate for a Naming Day. Apparently though Brad has "spoken with Nickie and he wants the dinosaur". I have a feeling these boys will overule me!
On Friday my Assistant manager will be working her last day before leaving on Maternity Leave for a year. You might remember my manager left on Maternity leave recently too? It has been babies everywhere at my work for awhile. Another collegue had a baby 3 months ago. Since I had Nickie in Jan and both my manager and assistant manager are due in Oct, that makes four births in my team at work this year. The Department manager says he will be replacing our water dispenser so we stop getting pregnant and going on leave as he is losing all his staff to motherhood! We have a shower planned for Cathy - the assistant manager - for her last day and I have found myself getting apprehensive about it. It is really strange to me that even though I am a mother and have my beautiful Nickie, that infertility and the miscarriage still really hurt and still make it hard for me to deal with things like baby showers. It seems incredibly selfish to me and I can't explain it. I see Cathy's belly and hear her getting excited about going on maternity leave and preparing for her approaching arrival, getting nervous about the birth, all that stuff and I do honestly feel happy for her, but at the same time I feel awful to admit that sometimes I find myself feeling sad for myself. I remind myself that I have had all of those wonderful things. I have had the lovely belly and the maternity clothes and the shower and the maternity leave. I have had the kicks coming from my belly and the cravings and the excitement of going to ultrasounds. But i loved it so much it hurts that I will never have all that again. So many people get to do it two or three times. I feel like a spoilt child but I want all that again. I want Nickie to have it too - for him to be a big brother. Part of the reason we decided to have a naming day for Nickie was because it feels so easy for both Brad and I to focus on feeling sad about all we have lost with the recent miscarriage. We don't want to do that though because really we are lucky. We don't want to remember what we have lost, we want to celebrate what we have gained. We are lucky to have our precious son and we know that every second of every day. But I guess we shouldn't expect that to take away the hurt at the baby that went to heaven instead of into our arms.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Just bits and pieces...
UPDATE - Almost forgot to add I am so slack and should have done this ages ago but thanks to Tammy for my award. It's because she things I have a "lovely blog" which means a lot coming from someone with such a lovely blog herself (and lovely heart!). I would like to tag Sandra to pass on this award. Her blog is very witty and insightful and makes me laugh and smile. Enjoy!
ONTO TODAY'S POST -
I decided to get an early night tonight. Nickie was exhausted and went to bed about 6.30pm, I had a roast in the slow cooker so Brad and I had dinner shortly after. I got in the bath to have some relaxation time and afterwards I was feeling that warm fuzzy tired feeling so in to bed I climbed and fell into a delightful sleep just after 8pm. Brad was still up doing this and that - sending some emails, calling his parents who are in the middle of a trip around Australia etc.
Next thing I know I am getting woken up by Brad tapping me saying "Pax......Pax are you awake?" I felt like I had been asleep for hours but it had only been about 40min. I grumbled that yes I was awake and asked what was the matter. The problem turned out to be that Brad had finished all his errands and was bored because I was asleep. He wanted to know did I want to watch a movie! I said no thankyou and that I was too tired and tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but Brad kept trying to start a conversation with me. After awhile, when I was well and truly awake I joined the conversation and was in the middle of telling Brad a story about something that happened to me at work the other day when I look over and realise he has gone to sleep! Now I'm the one who is awake and can't sleep!!! GRRRR haha
Today I took my little man to get Pixi Fotos done. Don't know if those of you not in Australia will know what they are. Basically Pixi Fotos is a professional photography company that is quite popular for baby/kids/family photos. Just about every person here owns a Pixi Foto of themselves as a kid. It was very exciting to take Nickie to get his done. He was so good and well behaved. Didn't cry, didn't spew, smiled and laughed at all the right times. They were very taken with him at the studio and I was very proud. The photos of him turned out sooooo gorgeous. They took some classic poses and then they also took some candid ones that were simalar to the Anne Geddes style. For example they dressed him up in a chef's hat and sat him in a cooking pot and took photos and cute things like that. He was just adorable.
I could have purchased the whole lot but I had to be restrained and stick to our budget as the photos are pretty expensive. Brad was going to come but he woke up pretty sick this morning with what we thought was the start of a migraine and so Nickie and I went on our own. It would have been good to have him there to help me choose as there were so many wonderful shots. I spent a little bit more than what we had budgeted because I couldn't help myself! I justified it because we had not yet chosen Father's Day presents for my Dad and Brad's Dad so I thought a framed photo each of Nickie would be a great present with some nice chocolates or something. Both Grandpas love him to pieces and I know they would think it was a really special gift. So the extra money I spent was just money I would have spent on Father's Day gifts.
Speaking of Father's Day, Brad is so looking forward to his first one. Last year I was pregnant and I wrote him a card from the baby in my tummy. It is so hard to believe that our little man is now here and so grown up. I have had his present planned for months, I took a whole heap of photos of Nickie in the bath recently doing all different things and they turned out to be gorgeous photos and Brad was really taken with them. So I picked three of them and had them enlarged and then took them to the framers and got one big long framed print made of the three shots in a row. It kind of looks like an "action sequence". The frame I got was beautiful too it's that dark chocolate wood. I really hope he likes it. What makes things even nicer is my little boy can now say "DaDaDa.." and while we were in the framers choosing everything he was yelling it out at the top of his lungs. I will have to tell Brad when I give it to him, that Nickie came with me to choose it all and must have known we were getting a present for "DaDa".
Have a great week everyone!
ONTO TODAY'S POST -
I decided to get an early night tonight. Nickie was exhausted and went to bed about 6.30pm, I had a roast in the slow cooker so Brad and I had dinner shortly after. I got in the bath to have some relaxation time and afterwards I was feeling that warm fuzzy tired feeling so in to bed I climbed and fell into a delightful sleep just after 8pm. Brad was still up doing this and that - sending some emails, calling his parents who are in the middle of a trip around Australia etc.
Next thing I know I am getting woken up by Brad tapping me saying "Pax......Pax are you awake?" I felt like I had been asleep for hours but it had only been about 40min. I grumbled that yes I was awake and asked what was the matter. The problem turned out to be that Brad had finished all his errands and was bored because I was asleep. He wanted to know did I want to watch a movie! I said no thankyou and that I was too tired and tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but Brad kept trying to start a conversation with me. After awhile, when I was well and truly awake I joined the conversation and was in the middle of telling Brad a story about something that happened to me at work the other day when I look over and realise he has gone to sleep! Now I'm the one who is awake and can't sleep!!! GRRRR haha
Today I took my little man to get Pixi Fotos done. Don't know if those of you not in Australia will know what they are. Basically Pixi Fotos is a professional photography company that is quite popular for baby/kids/family photos. Just about every person here owns a Pixi Foto of themselves as a kid. It was very exciting to take Nickie to get his done. He was so good and well behaved. Didn't cry, didn't spew, smiled and laughed at all the right times. They were very taken with him at the studio and I was very proud. The photos of him turned out sooooo gorgeous. They took some classic poses and then they also took some candid ones that were simalar to the Anne Geddes style. For example they dressed him up in a chef's hat and sat him in a cooking pot and took photos and cute things like that. He was just adorable.
I could have purchased the whole lot but I had to be restrained and stick to our budget as the photos are pretty expensive. Brad was going to come but he woke up pretty sick this morning with what we thought was the start of a migraine and so Nickie and I went on our own. It would have been good to have him there to help me choose as there were so many wonderful shots. I spent a little bit more than what we had budgeted because I couldn't help myself! I justified it because we had not yet chosen Father's Day presents for my Dad and Brad's Dad so I thought a framed photo each of Nickie would be a great present with some nice chocolates or something. Both Grandpas love him to pieces and I know they would think it was a really special gift. So the extra money I spent was just money I would have spent on Father's Day gifts.
Speaking of Father's Day, Brad is so looking forward to his first one. Last year I was pregnant and I wrote him a card from the baby in my tummy. It is so hard to believe that our little man is now here and so grown up. I have had his present planned for months, I took a whole heap of photos of Nickie in the bath recently doing all different things and they turned out to be gorgeous photos and Brad was really taken with them. So I picked three of them and had them enlarged and then took them to the framers and got one big long framed print made of the three shots in a row. It kind of looks like an "action sequence". The frame I got was beautiful too it's that dark chocolate wood. I really hope he likes it. What makes things even nicer is my little boy can now say "DaDaDa.." and while we were in the framers choosing everything he was yelling it out at the top of his lungs. I will have to tell Brad when I give it to him, that Nickie came with me to choose it all and must have known we were getting a present for "DaDa".
Have a great week everyone!
Monday, August 17, 2009
A sad story
Something took place in my school life when I was about 6 (20 years ago) that I don't talk about with many people. Brad and I have discussed it briefly once or twice but that is about it. I warn that this is quite an upsetting story. A little boy who was in my class in Grade 1, who was my desk mate (we sat in double desks) was killed tragically. His sister was in the class below and she was killed in the same incident. A lot of my memory of this time is very hazy but I do remember parts of the day of the tragedy. Only parts though.
I remember it was a Sunday. It was hot and it was December. It was a school day the next day but it would be the start of the last week of school before we would break up for summer holiday. In Australia our big school holiday starts just before Christmas in December and we just have a short break in June, because our seasons are the reverse order from the States of course. My family had a pool and were lounging around outside in it to escape the heat. At one stage I believe my sister and I ventured out on our bikes to buy ice cream. Everyone in our street somewhere around the afternoon began to become aware that there was a lot of smoke becoming apparent in the air. Before long you could see and smell it strongly and we heard a house was on fire nearby.
Speculation was gathering about what street the house was in and we saw choppers in the sky which I assume now were possibly news or police choppers. I remember seeing the news report on TV saying that a house had been completely gutted in our suburb. It described how a man had run from the house and that a search of the rubble had revealed the bodies of the two children. It also mentioned that the identity of the children was not confirmed but that they were thought to be students of the school that my sister and I both attended. I don't remember that much else.
The next day we arrived at school with apprehension and all I remember is the whole school being called to assembly where we were informed that "P" (my deskmate) and his sister "L" were the two children who had died in the fire that had occurred the day before. I don't remember exactly what we were told but I know it was minimal details. I don't know when more pieces of the puzzle started to come to light, whether it was a gradual relisation as I got older or whether it was through information that I picked up from the adult conversations that no doubt must have taken place around me, but somewhere along the line I began to understand that it was not just a regular house fire. The incident was actually an attempt at a murder- suicide by the children's father because of an ongoing custody dispute that was happening with himself and the children's mother.
I have thought about those two children a lot over the last twenty years at different times. Whenever a simalar story comes up in the news about a murder-suicide I remember those kids. When it is that hot time of year just before Christmas I often think of them. Since having Nickie I have thought about them even more for some reason because I now realise how horrific the prospect of losing a child is. Whereas I used to have grief for the children now I also have it for their mother. For all these years I have never known what exactly took place or what the kids went through. I have always assumed that their deaths were the result of the deliberately lit fire, that the father had intentionally lit in order to cause the deaths of all three of them, although as I grew up I did realise that deep down this was probably not true, however I didn't really want to know the details and just found it easier to believe it was the fire. Yesterday, however I came across an article on the net completely by mistake.
I found an old classmate of mine on Facebook and chatting to her yesterday prompted me to randomly google my school name just to see what popped up. I never even thought of this tragedy when I did it as I purely just wanted to see if my school had a website so I could see if it has changed much in all that time. Well my school did have a website, but the link that came up on google as the second search result caught my eye when I saw "P" and "L" mentioned along with the name of my teacher at the time this all took place. Curiosity took over and without thinking I clicked and read the article. It was regarding the fact that this teacher, Mrs C. apparently felt very overwhelmed with how to get her class through this terrible time. Apparently there were not the resourses available for counselling and so forth and tragedies like this happened much less back in 1989. She had to just go with her gut and look after us as best she could and the experience has prompted her to recently write a book on how to help kids cope with grief. The article I found was an interview with her that a teaching journal had published. During the interview the comment was made that obviously the murders had affected her deeply for her to write this book all these years later (the book was published in 2004). She said that yes they had deeply traumatised her due to the gruesome nature of what took place.
She then proceeded to go through a run down of events of how the crime was planned and carried out. She explained that she and the mother of the kids became very close and are still friends to this day and that's how she came to know so much information about how awful it was. I am not going to go into detail about how the kids died because it is distressing. But this horrible knowledge is really weighing heavy on my heart. To think what that mother must have been through and must still be dealing with 20 years later. The whole thing was calculated and carried out to inflict the maximum pain upon the mother. The father must have really wanted her to feel pain and loss. I also think about the father too with a lot of pity rather than hate which is surprising. He intended to die along with the kids, and leave behind all that devastation. The fire was his attempt at suicide, the kids had passed before the fire was lit. But when the house got so hot he got scared and ran into the street in a panic and couldn't go through with it. This act of cowardice makes me see him as less of a monster and more as a human being who at their weakest point did the worst and most despicable thing ever. I don't know what happened to him. The article didn't mention it, other than to say he survived. I don't even know his name. I wonder if he is in jail. I know it sounds crazy but I wonder if he has come out the other side of the haze that made him go on this rampage and whether the reality of what he did haunts him. I wonder if he has fear about when he has to face God one day.
I don't know where the children's mother is now. I don't know if she still lives in the area or if she moved away, although the fact Mrs C is still in touch with her indicates she is still local to some extent. I wonder if she got remarried and had more kids? I wish there was some way for her to know that somewhere out there is a class mate of her little boy's that still remembers him a lot. There have been times after having Nickie when I have been up with him in the middle of the night feeding him and something has made me think of those kids and I have sat there and held my boy and prayed they were ok and not feeling suffering and that they were watching over their mother.
To the mother, "C" : I hope you are ok. I hope you know that people still remember your precious children from all those years ago and that they are still prayed for. I pray for your peace.
I am really sorry guys as I know this is an awful story. It is just something that is on my heart that I had to get out. Please note as well that I have referred to the people involved with initials as I think it is appropriate to keep the privacy of those involved in tact. I hope you will join me in saying a few prayers for these angels who continue to touch me all these years later and for their mother.
I remember it was a Sunday. It was hot and it was December. It was a school day the next day but it would be the start of the last week of school before we would break up for summer holiday. In Australia our big school holiday starts just before Christmas in December and we just have a short break in June, because our seasons are the reverse order from the States of course. My family had a pool and were lounging around outside in it to escape the heat. At one stage I believe my sister and I ventured out on our bikes to buy ice cream. Everyone in our street somewhere around the afternoon began to become aware that there was a lot of smoke becoming apparent in the air. Before long you could see and smell it strongly and we heard a house was on fire nearby.
Speculation was gathering about what street the house was in and we saw choppers in the sky which I assume now were possibly news or police choppers. I remember seeing the news report on TV saying that a house had been completely gutted in our suburb. It described how a man had run from the house and that a search of the rubble had revealed the bodies of the two children. It also mentioned that the identity of the children was not confirmed but that they were thought to be students of the school that my sister and I both attended. I don't remember that much else.
The next day we arrived at school with apprehension and all I remember is the whole school being called to assembly where we were informed that "P" (my deskmate) and his sister "L" were the two children who had died in the fire that had occurred the day before. I don't remember exactly what we were told but I know it was minimal details. I don't know when more pieces of the puzzle started to come to light, whether it was a gradual relisation as I got older or whether it was through information that I picked up from the adult conversations that no doubt must have taken place around me, but somewhere along the line I began to understand that it was not just a regular house fire. The incident was actually an attempt at a murder- suicide by the children's father because of an ongoing custody dispute that was happening with himself and the children's mother.
I have thought about those two children a lot over the last twenty years at different times. Whenever a simalar story comes up in the news about a murder-suicide I remember those kids. When it is that hot time of year just before Christmas I often think of them. Since having Nickie I have thought about them even more for some reason because I now realise how horrific the prospect of losing a child is. Whereas I used to have grief for the children now I also have it for their mother. For all these years I have never known what exactly took place or what the kids went through. I have always assumed that their deaths were the result of the deliberately lit fire, that the father had intentionally lit in order to cause the deaths of all three of them, although as I grew up I did realise that deep down this was probably not true, however I didn't really want to know the details and just found it easier to believe it was the fire. Yesterday, however I came across an article on the net completely by mistake.
I found an old classmate of mine on Facebook and chatting to her yesterday prompted me to randomly google my school name just to see what popped up. I never even thought of this tragedy when I did it as I purely just wanted to see if my school had a website so I could see if it has changed much in all that time. Well my school did have a website, but the link that came up on google as the second search result caught my eye when I saw "P" and "L" mentioned along with the name of my teacher at the time this all took place. Curiosity took over and without thinking I clicked and read the article. It was regarding the fact that this teacher, Mrs C. apparently felt very overwhelmed with how to get her class through this terrible time. Apparently there were not the resourses available for counselling and so forth and tragedies like this happened much less back in 1989. She had to just go with her gut and look after us as best she could and the experience has prompted her to recently write a book on how to help kids cope with grief. The article I found was an interview with her that a teaching journal had published. During the interview the comment was made that obviously the murders had affected her deeply for her to write this book all these years later (the book was published in 2004). She said that yes they had deeply traumatised her due to the gruesome nature of what took place.
She then proceeded to go through a run down of events of how the crime was planned and carried out. She explained that she and the mother of the kids became very close and are still friends to this day and that's how she came to know so much information about how awful it was. I am not going to go into detail about how the kids died because it is distressing. But this horrible knowledge is really weighing heavy on my heart. To think what that mother must have been through and must still be dealing with 20 years later. The whole thing was calculated and carried out to inflict the maximum pain upon the mother. The father must have really wanted her to feel pain and loss. I also think about the father too with a lot of pity rather than hate which is surprising. He intended to die along with the kids, and leave behind all that devastation. The fire was his attempt at suicide, the kids had passed before the fire was lit. But when the house got so hot he got scared and ran into the street in a panic and couldn't go through with it. This act of cowardice makes me see him as less of a monster and more as a human being who at their weakest point did the worst and most despicable thing ever. I don't know what happened to him. The article didn't mention it, other than to say he survived. I don't even know his name. I wonder if he is in jail. I know it sounds crazy but I wonder if he has come out the other side of the haze that made him go on this rampage and whether the reality of what he did haunts him. I wonder if he has fear about when he has to face God one day.
I don't know where the children's mother is now. I don't know if she still lives in the area or if she moved away, although the fact Mrs C is still in touch with her indicates she is still local to some extent. I wonder if she got remarried and had more kids? I wish there was some way for her to know that somewhere out there is a class mate of her little boy's that still remembers him a lot. There have been times after having Nickie when I have been up with him in the middle of the night feeding him and something has made me think of those kids and I have sat there and held my boy and prayed they were ok and not feeling suffering and that they were watching over their mother.
To the mother, "C" : I hope you are ok. I hope you know that people still remember your precious children from all those years ago and that they are still prayed for. I pray for your peace.
I am really sorry guys as I know this is an awful story. It is just something that is on my heart that I had to get out. Please note as well that I have referred to the people involved with initials as I think it is appropriate to keep the privacy of those involved in tact. I hope you will join me in saying a few prayers for these angels who continue to touch me all these years later and for their mother.
Friday, August 14, 2009
You gotta know when to hold 'em....
You're all singing the next line aren't you, after reading that title?! hehehe
Lately Brad and I have been discussing the fact that it is unlikely that we will be having more children, since we are now out of embryos and won't be doing more IVF, and because the doctors have all told us many times over the years that natural conception is almost impossible for us. It is a realisation that causes me complete swings of emotions and moods. On one hand I am completely devastated that at age 26 my days of having babies are most probably over. It puts a huge dent in my self confidence because at times I feel like my body has failed me. Because of the trouble my parents have been through with my sister's dramas I also feel an obligation to be "the good daughter" seeing as the role of "the bad daughter" is seemingly filled. I don't mean to be disrespectful or to brag about myself by saying this I am just saying that is a sub conscious role that I feel the pressure of sometimes. My sister is the person who can get things wrong and it's expected so it's OK. I am the daughter who is supposed to get things right and be capable. Because of this I almost feel ashamed some days that I physically can't produce more babies. This is absolutely ridiculous I know. My parents are nothing but completely supportive and compassionate regarding our struggles with infertility. It is just one of those nasty dark thoughts that creep in sometimes when I'm not paying attention.
On the other hand, I find it difficult to move past the fact that Nickie could have so easily not have existed and the fact that he does is an absolute miracle. He is the world's most wonderful and precious baby and a complete joy to my heart. I really believe that God made him with the thought that if we were only allowed one baby, then he would make it a spectacular one for us. For that and for so many other precious moments we have had with our son, and no doubt will have in the future, I am completely thankful. Sometimes this eases the pain of not having another child, and sometimes I am dismayed to find that having such a precious miracle as my son makes the pain worse. Because he is so wonderful, it's a shame to not be able to make brothers and sisters to "go with him". I wonder if he will be disappointed with me for this. I wonder if he will be lonely by himself. I wonder how I will answer the questions when they inevitably come about why he is an only child and why "mummy can't have any more babies". I shared these thoughts with my mother recently and she told me I was being silly and that worrying about Nickie being lonely was ridiculous. She told me that apart from all the love and attention I give him that he is also surrounded by so many other people that love and cherish him. She reminded me he has a little boy cousin on the way in December and that they will have many happy days together. I am so glad of that, yet it really isn't the same as having a brother is it?
The bleeding I have been experiencing since having Nickie, and which prompted us to "use" our last remaining embryo so soon after Nickie's birth is giving me grief still. My mother has had to help me several days this week with looking after my boy as I got my period earlier in the week and the level of blood that I was losing really made me weak and sick. Tuesday especially I was very dizzy and weak and began vomitting. This prompted my mother to look up my specialist's office number and call him as I was not feeling well enough to get out of bed and she was really worried. I realise she was being a concerned mother but at the time I was annoyed she rang him as she did not inform me she was going to do so. My doctor told her to bring me straight in but when she put this suggestion to me I refused. I could just see where it was going to go. I would go to the doctor and he would start putting pressure on me to start treating this bleeding. As I have mentioned before, my doctor has discussed with me that he would like to put me on hormone injections which will stop my periods all together. It's not a permanant thing, but a long term one, and if they don't work then we will discuss something more permanant like surgery. The deal was that we would do this final round of IVF and then if it didn't work I would go and start the treatment with him. After the miscarriage though I have not been able to hold up my end of the bargain and keep putting the treatment off. I just am finding letting go of the idea of another baby so impossible. I know the injections will not be permanant but to me they represent the start of saying goodbye to any chance of more babies.
Since the bleeding has subsided I am still suffering from dizziness off and on but I am improving. Brad and I have spoken to my specialist on the phone and he is urging us to come in and discuss the injections. The doctor said to me when I spoke to him that I have Nickie to think of - a baby who is here right now, needing his mum to be healthy. He said there is no point risking my health and therefore my ability to be the best mum I can be to Nickie for the sake of baby who is NOT here and who might not ever be. Brad tells me he thinks I am being childish with my attitude that if I ignore the situation and don't go to the doctor then the problem doesn't exist. He said I need to remember it is not all about me and that it is time for me to start being an adult. It is hard to be mad at him when I know what he is saying is the truth. It just irritates me that men can be so black and white about things.
I think about what my life will be like with just me, Brad and Nickie as a family of three. I must say I can see a really happy, rich life in the picture. Parents who love each other, a little boy who we adore and who will have undivided love and attention. We will have more time to spend just with him, more money and resourses to provide for him, all those wonderful things. When I think of all that it makes me feel like I have "won" the infertility battle and that it's ok to stop fighting now. What I can't figure out is why some days all these beautiful blessings aren't enough and all I want to do is keep fighting.
Lately Brad and I have been discussing the fact that it is unlikely that we will be having more children, since we are now out of embryos and won't be doing more IVF, and because the doctors have all told us many times over the years that natural conception is almost impossible for us. It is a realisation that causes me complete swings of emotions and moods. On one hand I am completely devastated that at age 26 my days of having babies are most probably over. It puts a huge dent in my self confidence because at times I feel like my body has failed me. Because of the trouble my parents have been through with my sister's dramas I also feel an obligation to be "the good daughter" seeing as the role of "the bad daughter" is seemingly filled. I don't mean to be disrespectful or to brag about myself by saying this I am just saying that is a sub conscious role that I feel the pressure of sometimes. My sister is the person who can get things wrong and it's expected so it's OK. I am the daughter who is supposed to get things right and be capable. Because of this I almost feel ashamed some days that I physically can't produce more babies. This is absolutely ridiculous I know. My parents are nothing but completely supportive and compassionate regarding our struggles with infertility. It is just one of those nasty dark thoughts that creep in sometimes when I'm not paying attention.
On the other hand, I find it difficult to move past the fact that Nickie could have so easily not have existed and the fact that he does is an absolute miracle. He is the world's most wonderful and precious baby and a complete joy to my heart. I really believe that God made him with the thought that if we were only allowed one baby, then he would make it a spectacular one for us. For that and for so many other precious moments we have had with our son, and no doubt will have in the future, I am completely thankful. Sometimes this eases the pain of not having another child, and sometimes I am dismayed to find that having such a precious miracle as my son makes the pain worse. Because he is so wonderful, it's a shame to not be able to make brothers and sisters to "go with him". I wonder if he will be disappointed with me for this. I wonder if he will be lonely by himself. I wonder how I will answer the questions when they inevitably come about why he is an only child and why "mummy can't have any more babies". I shared these thoughts with my mother recently and she told me I was being silly and that worrying about Nickie being lonely was ridiculous. She told me that apart from all the love and attention I give him that he is also surrounded by so many other people that love and cherish him. She reminded me he has a little boy cousin on the way in December and that they will have many happy days together. I am so glad of that, yet it really isn't the same as having a brother is it?
The bleeding I have been experiencing since having Nickie, and which prompted us to "use" our last remaining embryo so soon after Nickie's birth is giving me grief still. My mother has had to help me several days this week with looking after my boy as I got my period earlier in the week and the level of blood that I was losing really made me weak and sick. Tuesday especially I was very dizzy and weak and began vomitting. This prompted my mother to look up my specialist's office number and call him as I was not feeling well enough to get out of bed and she was really worried. I realise she was being a concerned mother but at the time I was annoyed she rang him as she did not inform me she was going to do so. My doctor told her to bring me straight in but when she put this suggestion to me I refused. I could just see where it was going to go. I would go to the doctor and he would start putting pressure on me to start treating this bleeding. As I have mentioned before, my doctor has discussed with me that he would like to put me on hormone injections which will stop my periods all together. It's not a permanant thing, but a long term one, and if they don't work then we will discuss something more permanant like surgery. The deal was that we would do this final round of IVF and then if it didn't work I would go and start the treatment with him. After the miscarriage though I have not been able to hold up my end of the bargain and keep putting the treatment off. I just am finding letting go of the idea of another baby so impossible. I know the injections will not be permanant but to me they represent the start of saying goodbye to any chance of more babies.
Since the bleeding has subsided I am still suffering from dizziness off and on but I am improving. Brad and I have spoken to my specialist on the phone and he is urging us to come in and discuss the injections. The doctor said to me when I spoke to him that I have Nickie to think of - a baby who is here right now, needing his mum to be healthy. He said there is no point risking my health and therefore my ability to be the best mum I can be to Nickie for the sake of baby who is NOT here and who might not ever be. Brad tells me he thinks I am being childish with my attitude that if I ignore the situation and don't go to the doctor then the problem doesn't exist. He said I need to remember it is not all about me and that it is time for me to start being an adult. It is hard to be mad at him when I know what he is saying is the truth. It just irritates me that men can be so black and white about things.
I think about what my life will be like with just me, Brad and Nickie as a family of three. I must say I can see a really happy, rich life in the picture. Parents who love each other, a little boy who we adore and who will have undivided love and attention. We will have more time to spend just with him, more money and resourses to provide for him, all those wonderful things. When I think of all that it makes me feel like I have "won" the infertility battle and that it's ok to stop fighting now. What I can't figure out is why some days all these beautiful blessings aren't enough and all I want to do is keep fighting.
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