My little baby boy is 6 months old today and so today I am a very proud mummy when I think of how much he has grown and all the things he has learnt in that time. 6 months ago at this time of day I was holding a brand new baby boy in my arms. He was just under half an hour old. He was full of sleep and very grumpy (haha) and I was in awe at how much he meant to me. Today, only 6 months later he has become my boy who loves apricots, who is placid and loving yet has a stubborn streak like his mother, who can now roll over onto his tummy and back again, and who finds pretend "horsie rides" hysterical. He has so much personality and spark, so much individuality and he is just so THERE that it is hard to remember back that far to when we hadn't met each other yet. I feel like I have always been his mother.
6 months ago I woke up in my hospital bed knowing that it would be the day in which Brad and I would become parents. I had been in hospital for the previous two weeks on bed rest for high blood pressure. 2 days previously my OB had come into my room with the news that I would be having a C section on January 16th. It would be a Friday. "That little baby is not spending another weekend in there" said my doctor. It all sounded pretty good to me because I had been sick for so long and was ready to see the back of pregnancy. I had had chronic morning sickness throughout the whole pregnancy as well as the blood pressure. My record for vomitting was 17 times in the one day. I had been hospitalised before for dehydration during this pregnancy and put on drips. So a C section sounded pretty awesome to me.
The night before the scheduled delivery my doctor paid me a visit to explain that some routine blood work he had ordered in preparation for the procedure had come back with some problems. My iron levels were dangerously low (probably to do with the lack of nutrition with all the vomiting, not being able to keep down much food let alone my pre natal vitamins) and the way that the levels were sitting he would not be able to safely do a C section. He also couldn't safely put me through labour either because of my blood pressure and also because Nickie's head was measuring too large for me. I would have to undergo a few blood transfusions to safely get the iron levels up to where they needed to be so I could then undergo the C section. I didn't like it and I shed a few tears but in the end I knew what I had to do.
The morning of the 16th I woke up nervous but excited. This was it! My baby boy was making his appearance and I couldn't wait to see him. Earlier that morning at about 3am my OB had come in to put the IV in and talk to me for the last time before the procedure. He apologised for the odd hour but he had been there all night at the hospital with a patient in labour and he had another one just starting so he wasn't sure if he would get another chance to speak to me. He entered my room and switched on the light to find that I was awake anyway. I had woken up about half an hour earlier and couldn't fall asleep again so I was just lying there thinking. He said "what are you doing awake at this hour, you're supposed to be having a baby today!" and I hit back with "well you're aupposed to be delivering my baby, what are YOU doing awake at this hour!" We went through the plan and he left me to get some more sleep.
By the time Brad arrived at about 10am (surgery was scheduled for 1.30) I was hooked up to drips and machines in the middle of the blood transfusions. All up it took about 4 hours which took us up to about 12.30. During that time Brad and i just hung out, talked and watched TV. It was hard to believe that this would be the last time we would hang out as a twosome. When the machines and the drips had done their job and been wheeled away I had about half an hour until I had to be prepped for theatre. The midwife that would be helping us with the delivery came and helped us to lay out some clothes for Nickie to be dressed in and some blankets for him. I had chosen a plain cream outfit with a tiny little classic Pooh bear picture on it and a matching hat. The blanket was a soft white fleece with an embroided duck on it. It was strange to see the items that we had bought long ago when this moment seemed so far away, being unpacked so that our son could finally wear them.
Soon the time came for me to be wheeled off to theatre and I remember being so jittery. Excited but I felt a little nervous too about the surgery I was about to have and what it would feel like etc. I had my spinal block injection which was no big deal at all and then was wheeled into the room where I would be having the C section. Brad was brought in from another room wearing medical scrubs including a shower cap and we found this hilarious for some reason. The moments when the C section was actually being carried out are a bit of a blur to me. I remember it being cold. I remember the feeling of being able to feel pulling and tugging but not being able to feel pain. I remember hearing my doctors voice speaking to his helpers and laughing about how much Nickie was wriggling away from him when he was attempting to pull him out. The reason I only remember these snippets is because the entire time I was lying there I was just listening to hear my son's first cry. All I wanted was to hear his voice. Suddenly I felt a huge firm tug which almost lifted me off the table and my doctor informed me that my baby was safely out. There was a screen up that separated me from seeing any of the operation and after having the spinal block I was unable to sit up so the orderlies held me into a sitting position while my doctor held up my baby. My first thought was "man he is huge!" and then i felt my breath catch in my throat as all the emotions started to well up.
They layed me back down, Brad went over to cut the cord and then Nickie was brought back to me all wrapped in a blanket and placed on my chest. I really thought once my son or daughter was handed over to me that I would sob emotionally and uncontrollably. I was amazed to find that I didn't. Instead I was dumbfounded and I lay there with him in absolute silence. I was so full of joy and love that I was in awe and that's what i think silenced me. I was so amazed by this baby that had just come into my life. Everything we had been through, the IVF the infertility, the difficult pregnancy seemed like such a drop in the ocean compared to what he had now recieved. I stroked Nickie's cheek and told him we thought he was worth everything.
Now here we are 6 months later and my Nickie doesn't fit snuggly on my chest anymore. He is so different from the bundle of sleep that I met back in January. We have all learnt so much more since that day, and obviously recently have seen a tough time with the miscarriage. Things have changed so much since the day I became a mother. One thing that hasn't and that never will is that Nickie is still "worth everything". He always will be.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Keeping busy
Hi all, I don't really have much to report other than the fact that I have set some projects for myself for this week. Brad and I speak regularly about the miscarriage and how each of us is coping with moving on from it. He seems to be doing really well but often I feel at a loose end. We got the idea that I would set myself a project each week - something that will make me feel happy and that I will enjoy doing. If it involves spending quality time with Nickie that is all the better as we really do want to celebrate him. As much as it is easy to feel unlucky sometimes because we lost our baby, we continually try to remind ourselves that we are blessed to have our son. We don't want to lose sight of this.
Well I seem to have taken on the task with gusto because I have set myself a few tasks to focus on this week when the "requirement" was only one. Here is what I am currently working on:
1. A Christmas in July dinner for this Sunday. This is something I have never done before and have always wanted to. My mum is Ms Practicality so growing up whenever we would suggest it she would say what a silly idea since one Christmas in December is quite enough thank you! I got the idea and thought why not! I have invited Rhea and Paul (Brad's sister and her husband for those who have forgotten) and plan to cook a roast lamb in my slow cooker and for dessert a pear and hazlenut tart. Brad's response to this was that it sounded like awesome food but that it wasn't very Christmassy. I said to him i didn't want to go full on Christmas dinner because I think that should be specially for December but that I thought this was moderately Christmassy with the roast idea and all, and that I planned to decorate and maybe get a small Xmas gift for the baby and for Nickie. What do you guys think as I am open to suggestions and changes?? By the way a small update on Rhea and Paul's baby - Rhea is now 18 weeks (19 this Friday) and the 20 week scan is approaching where at the moment they plan to find out the gender. Everything is looking great so far! Yippee!
2. A "Naming Day" celebration for Nickie. For those of you who don't know what a Naming Day is it is kind of an alternative to a christening for those who aren't religious. An explanation for this is that Brad is not a Christian or religious in any way and doesn't feel comfortable with a traditional christening. We kind of just want an excuse for everyone to get together and celebrate this little miracle boy who is in our lives. I have called the celebrant that did our wedding and booked him for October 4. We had to book that far in advance because Brad's parents are away on a trip around Australia right now and don't get back till late Sept. We plan to have a small ceremony for Nickie and then a BBQ with all our friends and family. Very informal and fun and we are going to request no presents on the invitations as we really just want everyone's company to be happy with us.
3. Baby swimming lessons for Nickie. Now that he is almost 6 months I have been looking into this as since his birth he just seems to love the water so much. I made some phone calls today and went up to the local pool and got all the forms. Now I just have to go and buy us both some swimwear, which I am dreading as it is the middle of winter here and I don't know if there is any swimwear in the stores yet, and don't forget I had Nickie 6 months ago and my body ain't so good post baby haha. Maybe boardshorts and a cute top for me rather than all that lycra haha. Then I will pick a class time from the list they sent me and go up and pay the fees and we will start. I am so excited as i think it will be great to watch him have so much fun. And how cute is this - he will be in the Shrimps group haha!
My other big milestone this week is on friday I plan to return to work. I am very nervous, not about the going to work part but about the emotions that I think will be brought up by my return to "normal life". I thought my life was taking a turn in a different direction and that we would have a second baby. I planned to maybe stop work in time and just be a full time mum to two kids. Now it is going to pick up and continue as normal like nothing ever happened and that feels weird, wrong and very sad. Has to be done sometime though and I feel the time is approaching to give it a go.
Love to all and wishing you a wonderful week.
Well I seem to have taken on the task with gusto because I have set myself a few tasks to focus on this week when the "requirement" was only one. Here is what I am currently working on:
1. A Christmas in July dinner for this Sunday. This is something I have never done before and have always wanted to. My mum is Ms Practicality so growing up whenever we would suggest it she would say what a silly idea since one Christmas in December is quite enough thank you! I got the idea and thought why not! I have invited Rhea and Paul (Brad's sister and her husband for those who have forgotten) and plan to cook a roast lamb in my slow cooker and for dessert a pear and hazlenut tart. Brad's response to this was that it sounded like awesome food but that it wasn't very Christmassy. I said to him i didn't want to go full on Christmas dinner because I think that should be specially for December but that I thought this was moderately Christmassy with the roast idea and all, and that I planned to decorate and maybe get a small Xmas gift for the baby and for Nickie. What do you guys think as I am open to suggestions and changes?? By the way a small update on Rhea and Paul's baby - Rhea is now 18 weeks (19 this Friday) and the 20 week scan is approaching where at the moment they plan to find out the gender. Everything is looking great so far! Yippee!
2. A "Naming Day" celebration for Nickie. For those of you who don't know what a Naming Day is it is kind of an alternative to a christening for those who aren't religious. An explanation for this is that Brad is not a Christian or religious in any way and doesn't feel comfortable with a traditional christening. We kind of just want an excuse for everyone to get together and celebrate this little miracle boy who is in our lives. I have called the celebrant that did our wedding and booked him for October 4. We had to book that far in advance because Brad's parents are away on a trip around Australia right now and don't get back till late Sept. We plan to have a small ceremony for Nickie and then a BBQ with all our friends and family. Very informal and fun and we are going to request no presents on the invitations as we really just want everyone's company to be happy with us.
3. Baby swimming lessons for Nickie. Now that he is almost 6 months I have been looking into this as since his birth he just seems to love the water so much. I made some phone calls today and went up to the local pool and got all the forms. Now I just have to go and buy us both some swimwear, which I am dreading as it is the middle of winter here and I don't know if there is any swimwear in the stores yet, and don't forget I had Nickie 6 months ago and my body ain't so good post baby haha. Maybe boardshorts and a cute top for me rather than all that lycra haha. Then I will pick a class time from the list they sent me and go up and pay the fees and we will start. I am so excited as i think it will be great to watch him have so much fun. And how cute is this - he will be in the Shrimps group haha!
My other big milestone this week is on friday I plan to return to work. I am very nervous, not about the going to work part but about the emotions that I think will be brought up by my return to "normal life". I thought my life was taking a turn in a different direction and that we would have a second baby. I planned to maybe stop work in time and just be a full time mum to two kids. Now it is going to pick up and continue as normal like nothing ever happened and that feels weird, wrong and very sad. Has to be done sometime though and I feel the time is approaching to give it a go.
Love to all and wishing you a wonderful week.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Am I normal?
I was having quite a positive day when I wrote my last post about moving forward and then last night I had such a terrible night which wasn't brought on by anything in particular. This constant swing between opposite emotions is not a usual thing for me and I wonder if this is just something to expect after having a miscarriage, or whether it is just me being a drama queen. While I don't consider myself to be a moody person (IVF drugs excluded of course!) I am what you'd call more anxious than the average person. I get quite worried when things go wrong, more than what the average person would. For example, last week our heater broke and it's the middle of winter here. I rang Brad up at work and said "oh no Honey, the heater's broken and it's so cold. And it's Friday too so what if we can't get someone to fix it. And what if it costs lots of money. We don't really have much spare after paying for this IVF cycle....." and Brad was like "Ring around and see if you CAN get someone, if not we have an electric portable heater in the garage and that will be sufficient for the weekend. If it's more than expected we can just use the credit card, that's what it's for, and I'll put it back on pay day. It will be OK, no use worrying about it."
For this reason, I wonder if I am just being overly sensitive about the miscarriage, and maybe the average person might be handling it better. Brad tells me it doesn't matter how the average person would handle it, because this is about how I am coping, not them. Grrr why is he always so clear and logical and RIGHT??!! Don't tell him I said this! haha I am very disappointed that the IVF clinic did not give me a clearer idea of what emotions and feelings one should expect following a miscarriage. I was really looking forward to seeing my GP yesterday to get some advice and direction and to get some of these doubts off my chest.
To begin with, at the start of the day, the doctor's surgery called to tell me that my doctor was sick today and that I could still come in for my scheduled appointment provided I was happy to see a different doctor. I said OK because I thought it would be better than nothing but I did have my doubts because the other doctor is all right but I find her a bit abrupt sometimes, whereas my regular doctor is really sweet and softly spoken. I didn't know if the other doctor would be the most suitable person to be discussing feelings with if you know what I mean.
Then, I get myself and Nickie all ready to go to the doctor, I packed his bag and got him in the car and got myself together, and my car wouldn't start. I had to call the doctors back and tell them what happened and reschedule the appointment for another day. Then I got annoyed because my regular doctor being so nice is always so hard to get into as she is their most popular doctor. Because of this, when you ring up and ask for her they always try to convince you to see a less busy doctor. Even though my original appointment was with Dr. J (the nice doctor) when they rescheduled me they tried to keep me with Dr S (the other doctor). I explained politely that I would rather see Dr J and that that was who I had originally booked with. The lady seemed put out and I almost yelled at her "Excuse me for wanting to see someone familiar and nice to discuss my miscarriage with!" but of course I held my tongue. So we are now booked in for the doctor on Tuesday afternoon.
Going out the doctor's was going to be my first outing in a while as I have spent much of the last week or so at home, not answering the phone. I guess it feels weird to see and talk to people because life is so normal for them and so changed for me and that makes me sad. It is strange to think that your life is about to change so wonderfully and dramatically and then have it all fall through. When you then have to keep going on with life as it was, when it was expected to be so different that is also incredibly strange and very sad. I was all geared up to get dressed and go out, even if it was only to a doctor's surgery and so when it didn't end up happening it was a little bit of a let down as strange as that sounds. I got on the phone and I called a friend of mine and had her over for lunch. I cooked a really nice quiche and made a salad and we had a great day the three of us having the lunch and then playing with Nickie, who loved all the attention. We had so much fun that eventually my friend looked at the clock and realised it was after 5 and we couldn't believe the time had flown.
After she left I fed Nickie and bathed him and put him to bed (he goes to bed at about 6pm). Brad got home and I put dinner in the oven and cleaned up a bit. After eating dinner it was about 7pm and I was sitting on the couch staring into space. Brad said I was quiet and was I ok (I am usually such a chatterbox). I burst into tears and started gushing on about how I just felt really sad tonight and I didn't know why. He cuddled me for ages and just let me have a cry then suggested a lie down or a bath. I went for the lie down. So I got into bed and went straight to sleep and only stirred slightly when Brad came to bed a few hours later. I slept right through till 7am this morning when Nickie got up. I have no idea what brought that on. Maybe I was just tired or maybe it was just the effort of getting back into the land of the living and interacting with people again. Maybe I'm just weird haha.
I spoke to my manager at work again today and I said to her I thought it was time to put a date on coming back. I told her I didn't feel up to coming back on Monday but that I would aim for next Friday (a week from today) as I only work Mon and fri. She said if Fri came closer and it turned out I didn't feel up to it then I could just call and tell her. But I think it's important to get back in the swing of life soon. It does scare me though, because of what I said earlier about life going on as normal when it was supposed to be so different and how scary and sad that is. I guess I should prepare to have an emotional time when I go back.
Lots of Love to all
For this reason, I wonder if I am just being overly sensitive about the miscarriage, and maybe the average person might be handling it better. Brad tells me it doesn't matter how the average person would handle it, because this is about how I am coping, not them. Grrr why is he always so clear and logical and RIGHT??!! Don't tell him I said this! haha I am very disappointed that the IVF clinic did not give me a clearer idea of what emotions and feelings one should expect following a miscarriage. I was really looking forward to seeing my GP yesterday to get some advice and direction and to get some of these doubts off my chest.
To begin with, at the start of the day, the doctor's surgery called to tell me that my doctor was sick today and that I could still come in for my scheduled appointment provided I was happy to see a different doctor. I said OK because I thought it would be better than nothing but I did have my doubts because the other doctor is all right but I find her a bit abrupt sometimes, whereas my regular doctor is really sweet and softly spoken. I didn't know if the other doctor would be the most suitable person to be discussing feelings with if you know what I mean.
Then, I get myself and Nickie all ready to go to the doctor, I packed his bag and got him in the car and got myself together, and my car wouldn't start. I had to call the doctors back and tell them what happened and reschedule the appointment for another day. Then I got annoyed because my regular doctor being so nice is always so hard to get into as she is their most popular doctor. Because of this, when you ring up and ask for her they always try to convince you to see a less busy doctor. Even though my original appointment was with Dr. J (the nice doctor) when they rescheduled me they tried to keep me with Dr S (the other doctor). I explained politely that I would rather see Dr J and that that was who I had originally booked with. The lady seemed put out and I almost yelled at her "Excuse me for wanting to see someone familiar and nice to discuss my miscarriage with!" but of course I held my tongue. So we are now booked in for the doctor on Tuesday afternoon.
Going out the doctor's was going to be my first outing in a while as I have spent much of the last week or so at home, not answering the phone. I guess it feels weird to see and talk to people because life is so normal for them and so changed for me and that makes me sad. It is strange to think that your life is about to change so wonderfully and dramatically and then have it all fall through. When you then have to keep going on with life as it was, when it was expected to be so different that is also incredibly strange and very sad. I was all geared up to get dressed and go out, even if it was only to a doctor's surgery and so when it didn't end up happening it was a little bit of a let down as strange as that sounds. I got on the phone and I called a friend of mine and had her over for lunch. I cooked a really nice quiche and made a salad and we had a great day the three of us having the lunch and then playing with Nickie, who loved all the attention. We had so much fun that eventually my friend looked at the clock and realised it was after 5 and we couldn't believe the time had flown.
After she left I fed Nickie and bathed him and put him to bed (he goes to bed at about 6pm). Brad got home and I put dinner in the oven and cleaned up a bit. After eating dinner it was about 7pm and I was sitting on the couch staring into space. Brad said I was quiet and was I ok (I am usually such a chatterbox). I burst into tears and started gushing on about how I just felt really sad tonight and I didn't know why. He cuddled me for ages and just let me have a cry then suggested a lie down or a bath. I went for the lie down. So I got into bed and went straight to sleep and only stirred slightly when Brad came to bed a few hours later. I slept right through till 7am this morning when Nickie got up. I have no idea what brought that on. Maybe I was just tired or maybe it was just the effort of getting back into the land of the living and interacting with people again. Maybe I'm just weird haha.
I spoke to my manager at work again today and I said to her I thought it was time to put a date on coming back. I told her I didn't feel up to coming back on Monday but that I would aim for next Friday (a week from today) as I only work Mon and fri. She said if Fri came closer and it turned out I didn't feel up to it then I could just call and tell her. But I think it's important to get back in the swing of life soon. It does scare me though, because of what I said earlier about life going on as normal when it was supposed to be so different and how scary and sad that is. I guess I should prepare to have an emotional time when I go back.
Lots of Love to all
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Little steps forward
I want to start this post by asking you to cast your eyes to the top right hand corner of my page where you will see a photo that was taken last week of my precious baby who is the light of my life, and a complete joy to have in my life, especially in the aftermath of the events of the past week. I know I wanted anonymity but I just can't resist sharing with you the love that I have for my boy at this moment. I want you to see what I see - an absolute miracle. A big part of this grieving process I feel will be learning to celebrate the baby that I have as well as mourning the one that I lost.
I am still here guys. I may be shedding some tears, I may find it hard to get out of my PJ's some days, I may not have cooked or done much housework for the last week, but I am still here. The main reason for this post is I guess just to let you all know that. Some days are tougher than others. Some days I wake up and I feel like the fog is lifting a little and then the next day I am caught in it again. I can only assume that this is a normal part of the process of having a miscarriage and that it will get easier.
With the help of Brad I am beginning to try to take some positive steps forward towards healing. I am struggling a lot with the guilt that I am feeling because I can't help but wonder was it something that I did. I realise that in the case of your average miscarriage that maybe a sperm that is not so good might find its way to an egg, or the egg that is released might have a problem with it and things like this might be reasons why a pregnancy may not survive. But I am struggling with the fact that in IVF land everything is so heavily monitored. They only pick the good eggs and the strong sperm. They only implant the "right" embryos therefore I wonder what I did wrong to ruin its chances. I know deep down that I didn't do anything to jeopardise my baby's life, at least not knowingly but it is a doubt that sneaks in sometimes.
The nights are the most difficult time. When Brad goes to sleep and I am lying in bed next to him all the hustle and bustle of the day stops and I have nothing to hide behind or immerse myself in anymore and the emotions catch up with me. That is when the tears mainly come and I have woken up my husband with them more than once. I am hoping that this will become easier too with some time. Work have been awesome, my manager has said to take my time, to work through it and then come back only when i am ready. She said they will pay me out of my sick leave and then if that runs out they will pay me from my annual leave as I have clocked up quite a lot of that. She also gave me the number of a counselling service that my company use from time to time, when there is the death of a staff member etc.. and said that if I need to talk to someone I can call them and make an appointment, give them my employee number and my place of work and they will bill it to the company. I work for quite a large company and they do look after their employee really well but this is a service I didn't know was available to me and I was grateful for it. Brad is also apparently allowed a certain number of sessions too as my spouse.
This leads in nicely to some feelings that I want to express about the IVF clinic that Brad and I are patients with. I am disappointed at the lack of consideration for how painful a miscarriage is and the fact that the clinic focused only on my physical health and paid no attention to my emotional state. Don't get me wrong they are a wonderful clinic and my IVF nurse is a lovely lady. She was very caring when she spoke to me. It is just a gap that appears to be missing in their procedures and it is disappointing. I feel very nervous to call them but I really feel like they should know this is something they need to improve on. I feel like the miscarriage, maybe because it was such an early one, was treated no differently to what an unsuccessful cycle would have been. Instead of getting the news "I'm sorry you are not pregnant, the embryo has not implanted" i got the news "I'm sorry you are pregnant, but the blood tests show you will miscarry". Yet I get the feeling these two scenarios aren't that much different in the world of IVF. Not once was counselling offered to me even though I know from previous experience that they provide it and are required to do so by law. It was just assumed that I wouldn't need counselling. When I got quite emotional on the phone to my nurse when she called to confirm that my blood tests on Monday showed that the miscarriage had occurred and I was no longer pregnant, she sounded surprised at my tears. She was caring and concerned but still really surprised that it was affecting me so heavily. This made me feel like an idiot and made me question the validity of my grief.
I have since spoken to SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support) here in AUS - I am not sure if they are an international organisation or just something available here - and they have offered me a lot of support and sent me some literature to read. I urge anyone reading that is going through a miscarriage or been affected by a stillbirth to visit their website and contact them. I also have an appointment with my GP tomorrow just to talk with her and get some direction for beginning to take some steps forward towards feeling better. I have a wonderful husband and baby boy who need their wife and mummy, as well as just needing to move forward for myself.
There are many questions on my lips at this time. Some are big heavy ones about God's will in all this. Others are little ones like wondering when I will be ready to go back to work. You might recall that I was having some problems with heavy bleeding during my periods which my specialist was saying would require some long term treatment. That is why we used our last embryo so quickly after Nickie's birth. Well the embryo is now "used" and so it will also be soon time to think about seeking out this treatment to start fixing this problem yet after what has happened this seems so much harder to do. Just one of the many questions I am struggling with right now. Just a heads up that if we do decide on the treatment for me at this stage this will mean moving on to "life after TTCing" for Brad and I and the name of this blog and its purpose might change. So if you suddenly log on one day and "Second time around" has become "Just one time for me, thanks" then you will know why haha. I may have said previously that my specialist is suggesting a course of hormone injections for me to prevent this bleeding and they will be in effect for 3-4 years.
Just a quick unrelated note before I sign off - Nickie is 6 months old on the 16th of this month and I just can't believe it! I want to cherish every moment with him yet it seems to be zooming by. I read about infant swimming lessons at our local pool that you can take your baby to once they are 6 months and I thought this might be a positive thing for us to do together. I'm really excited about it!
Lastly - I want to keep hearing about your pregnancies and your ups and downs just like always. Don't feel like you will upset me. We are all friends so your successes are my successes. I want to hear about them!
Lots of love to you all!
I am still here guys. I may be shedding some tears, I may find it hard to get out of my PJ's some days, I may not have cooked or done much housework for the last week, but I am still here. The main reason for this post is I guess just to let you all know that. Some days are tougher than others. Some days I wake up and I feel like the fog is lifting a little and then the next day I am caught in it again. I can only assume that this is a normal part of the process of having a miscarriage and that it will get easier.
With the help of Brad I am beginning to try to take some positive steps forward towards healing. I am struggling a lot with the guilt that I am feeling because I can't help but wonder was it something that I did. I realise that in the case of your average miscarriage that maybe a sperm that is not so good might find its way to an egg, or the egg that is released might have a problem with it and things like this might be reasons why a pregnancy may not survive. But I am struggling with the fact that in IVF land everything is so heavily monitored. They only pick the good eggs and the strong sperm. They only implant the "right" embryos therefore I wonder what I did wrong to ruin its chances. I know deep down that I didn't do anything to jeopardise my baby's life, at least not knowingly but it is a doubt that sneaks in sometimes.
The nights are the most difficult time. When Brad goes to sleep and I am lying in bed next to him all the hustle and bustle of the day stops and I have nothing to hide behind or immerse myself in anymore and the emotions catch up with me. That is when the tears mainly come and I have woken up my husband with them more than once. I am hoping that this will become easier too with some time. Work have been awesome, my manager has said to take my time, to work through it and then come back only when i am ready. She said they will pay me out of my sick leave and then if that runs out they will pay me from my annual leave as I have clocked up quite a lot of that. She also gave me the number of a counselling service that my company use from time to time, when there is the death of a staff member etc.. and said that if I need to talk to someone I can call them and make an appointment, give them my employee number and my place of work and they will bill it to the company. I work for quite a large company and they do look after their employee really well but this is a service I didn't know was available to me and I was grateful for it. Brad is also apparently allowed a certain number of sessions too as my spouse.
This leads in nicely to some feelings that I want to express about the IVF clinic that Brad and I are patients with. I am disappointed at the lack of consideration for how painful a miscarriage is and the fact that the clinic focused only on my physical health and paid no attention to my emotional state. Don't get me wrong they are a wonderful clinic and my IVF nurse is a lovely lady. She was very caring when she spoke to me. It is just a gap that appears to be missing in their procedures and it is disappointing. I feel very nervous to call them but I really feel like they should know this is something they need to improve on. I feel like the miscarriage, maybe because it was such an early one, was treated no differently to what an unsuccessful cycle would have been. Instead of getting the news "I'm sorry you are not pregnant, the embryo has not implanted" i got the news "I'm sorry you are pregnant, but the blood tests show you will miscarry". Yet I get the feeling these two scenarios aren't that much different in the world of IVF. Not once was counselling offered to me even though I know from previous experience that they provide it and are required to do so by law. It was just assumed that I wouldn't need counselling. When I got quite emotional on the phone to my nurse when she called to confirm that my blood tests on Monday showed that the miscarriage had occurred and I was no longer pregnant, she sounded surprised at my tears. She was caring and concerned but still really surprised that it was affecting me so heavily. This made me feel like an idiot and made me question the validity of my grief.
I have since spoken to SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support) here in AUS - I am not sure if they are an international organisation or just something available here - and they have offered me a lot of support and sent me some literature to read. I urge anyone reading that is going through a miscarriage or been affected by a stillbirth to visit their website and contact them. I also have an appointment with my GP tomorrow just to talk with her and get some direction for beginning to take some steps forward towards feeling better. I have a wonderful husband and baby boy who need their wife and mummy, as well as just needing to move forward for myself.
There are many questions on my lips at this time. Some are big heavy ones about God's will in all this. Others are little ones like wondering when I will be ready to go back to work. You might recall that I was having some problems with heavy bleeding during my periods which my specialist was saying would require some long term treatment. That is why we used our last embryo so quickly after Nickie's birth. Well the embryo is now "used" and so it will also be soon time to think about seeking out this treatment to start fixing this problem yet after what has happened this seems so much harder to do. Just one of the many questions I am struggling with right now. Just a heads up that if we do decide on the treatment for me at this stage this will mean moving on to "life after TTCing" for Brad and I and the name of this blog and its purpose might change. So if you suddenly log on one day and "Second time around" has become "Just one time for me, thanks" then you will know why haha. I may have said previously that my specialist is suggesting a course of hormone injections for me to prevent this bleeding and they will be in effect for 3-4 years.
Just a quick unrelated note before I sign off - Nickie is 6 months old on the 16th of this month and I just can't believe it! I want to cherish every moment with him yet it seems to be zooming by. I read about infant swimming lessons at our local pool that you can take your baby to once they are 6 months and I thought this might be a positive thing for us to do together. I'm really excited about it!
Lastly - I want to keep hearing about your pregnancies and your ups and downs just like always. Don't feel like you will upset me. We are all friends so your successes are my successes. I want to hear about them!
Lots of love to you all!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I miss my baby
This has by far been the worst week of my life. I'm not working at the moment, I called up my manager on Wednesday - the day after we recieved "the news" - and barely got the words out through my tears regarding what was happening and she was great and told me to just call her when I wanted to come back and to take my time. If it weren't for Nickie waking up in the morning in need of a mother I doubt I would bother getting out of bed. I haven't gotten out of my pyjamas since Wednesday and although on some level I know I should really be getting dressed, on another level I really don't care.
I feel like this week has passed by in a haze. I have spent much of it lying in bed and dodging phone calls from concerned and well meaning friends who I don't want to speak to. The official miscarriage began on Friday morning and the grief seems to have gotten so much deeper since then. I guess on some level I was hoping for a miracle. I have to go back to the IVF clinic tomorrow for follow up blood tests to check that the HCG levels are falling as they should. Despite all the blood I am losing I catch myself out still hoping that they will show some indication that the baby is still there. I don't know how that could be possible or why I would think that it could be.
I feel so lost right now and yet my feelings seem so invalid because I was pregnant for like 5 minutes and this miscarriage was so early. I am worried there is something wrong with me for feeling this lost. But I can't explain it, I loved that baby and yes I am saying BABY not embryo. It was my baby and there has not been a day that it has been waiting in that freezer that I haven't thought about it and hoped for its survival. I am just so gutted that this was the outcome. And I really feel like a terrible person for being so gutted and so bitter about it. My beautiful Nickie is safely asleep in his cot as I type this and yet here I am moping and shedding tears for a baby I didn't know. I feel like I have no right and that I should be thankful. I am so thankful that I didn't come out of this with nothing as I very well could have. I came out of it with not only a healthy baby who I love to bits, but probably the world's sweetest, smartest and cutest baby ever. I am so lucky. But my heart just aches for this baby that I have lost. I just miss my baby and want it in my tummy.
This just hurts so much and the grief feels so consuming like it will never subside. I really have no idea how to even start sifting through it and how to find some sort of normalcy in life again. I can't imagine ever being ok with what has happened to our family. I am angry that my Nickie has lost his brother or sister when people like my sister take their kids for granted and are still blessed with more. I am sorry that this post makes no sense but I am so overwhelmed. I am sorry to everyone for getting behind on your blogs too. I just don't know where to start with getting back to normal.
I feel like this week has passed by in a haze. I have spent much of it lying in bed and dodging phone calls from concerned and well meaning friends who I don't want to speak to. The official miscarriage began on Friday morning and the grief seems to have gotten so much deeper since then. I guess on some level I was hoping for a miracle. I have to go back to the IVF clinic tomorrow for follow up blood tests to check that the HCG levels are falling as they should. Despite all the blood I am losing I catch myself out still hoping that they will show some indication that the baby is still there. I don't know how that could be possible or why I would think that it could be.
I feel so lost right now and yet my feelings seem so invalid because I was pregnant for like 5 minutes and this miscarriage was so early. I am worried there is something wrong with me for feeling this lost. But I can't explain it, I loved that baby and yes I am saying BABY not embryo. It was my baby and there has not been a day that it has been waiting in that freezer that I haven't thought about it and hoped for its survival. I am just so gutted that this was the outcome. And I really feel like a terrible person for being so gutted and so bitter about it. My beautiful Nickie is safely asleep in his cot as I type this and yet here I am moping and shedding tears for a baby I didn't know. I feel like I have no right and that I should be thankful. I am so thankful that I didn't come out of this with nothing as I very well could have. I came out of it with not only a healthy baby who I love to bits, but probably the world's sweetest, smartest and cutest baby ever. I am so lucky. But my heart just aches for this baby that I have lost. I just miss my baby and want it in my tummy.
This just hurts so much and the grief feels so consuming like it will never subside. I really have no idea how to even start sifting through it and how to find some sort of normalcy in life again. I can't imagine ever being ok with what has happened to our family. I am angry that my Nickie has lost his brother or sister when people like my sister take their kids for granted and are still blessed with more. I am sorry that this post makes no sense but I am so overwhelmed. I am sorry to everyone for getting behind on your blogs too. I just don't know where to start with getting back to normal.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I'm so sorry to say...
Hi lovely friends! This is a very hard post for me to write so I am plunging into it to get it over with and I hope you will all forgive any ineloquence.
My blood tests came back yesterday and they weren't good. They were worse than a straight "no you're not pregnant". The tests I did at home were right. I am pregnant. But the HCG levels are too low and indicate without much doubt that there is a problem with the pregnancy and that it won't survive. Possibly my body has already given up on it and that is why the hormones are so low - because they are dropping. I have stopped all the Progynova and the progesterone pessaries on doctors advice and am now waiting for a pretty much inevitable miscarriage. I will go back for more blood work on Monday July 6 and they will see what is happening. If the blood work shows more of a drop in HCG (they expect it to be gone by Mon as my levels are pretty low) and yet I have not bled then they will do a scan to see if a D and C (day surgery) is called for. I asked what are the chances of a miracle and my nurse gently said to me "sweetheart, this baby won't survive". So I am guessing the chances are not really there.
I can't really talk much more than this other than to thank you all for your beautiful thoughts and prayers and friendships. I am very up in the air right now. Devastated. I am thankful that I have Nickie who needs a mother otherwise I think I would be crawling into a hole right now. I am especially sad because I really had such a bad feeling like I almost new something was up. I had no reason to think this it was just an intuition and I find that eerie. I will post more soon when things are not so fresh. thanks again for all your support.
My blood tests came back yesterday and they weren't good. They were worse than a straight "no you're not pregnant". The tests I did at home were right. I am pregnant. But the HCG levels are too low and indicate without much doubt that there is a problem with the pregnancy and that it won't survive. Possibly my body has already given up on it and that is why the hormones are so low - because they are dropping. I have stopped all the Progynova and the progesterone pessaries on doctors advice and am now waiting for a pretty much inevitable miscarriage. I will go back for more blood work on Monday July 6 and they will see what is happening. If the blood work shows more of a drop in HCG (they expect it to be gone by Mon as my levels are pretty low) and yet I have not bled then they will do a scan to see if a D and C (day surgery) is called for. I asked what are the chances of a miracle and my nurse gently said to me "sweetheart, this baby won't survive". So I am guessing the chances are not really there.
I can't really talk much more than this other than to thank you all for your beautiful thoughts and prayers and friendships. I am very up in the air right now. Devastated. I am thankful that I have Nickie who needs a mother otherwise I think I would be crawling into a hole right now. I am especially sad because I really had such a bad feeling like I almost new something was up. I had no reason to think this it was just an intuition and I find that eerie. I will post more soon when things are not so fresh. thanks again for all your support.
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