Little steps forward

I want to start this post by asking you to cast your eyes to the top right hand corner of my page where you will see a photo that was taken last week of my precious baby who is the light of my life, and a complete joy to have in my life, especially in the aftermath of the events of the past week. I know I wanted anonymity but I just can't resist sharing with you the love that I have for my boy at this moment. I want you to see what I see - an absolute miracle. A big part of this grieving process I feel will be learning to celebrate the baby that I have as well as mourning the one that I lost.

I am still here guys. I may be shedding some tears, I may find it hard to get out of my PJ's some days, I may not have cooked or done much housework for the last week, but I am still here. The main reason for this post is I guess just to let you all know that. Some days are tougher than others. Some days I wake up and I feel like the fog is lifting a little and then the next day I am caught in it again. I can only assume that this is a normal part of the process of having a miscarriage and that it will get easier.

With the help of Brad I am beginning to try to take some positive steps forward towards healing. I am struggling a lot with the guilt that I am feeling because I can't help but wonder was it something that I did. I realise that in the case of your average miscarriage that maybe a sperm that is not so good might find its way to an egg, or the egg that is released might have a problem with it and things like this might be reasons why a pregnancy may not survive. But I am struggling with the fact that in IVF land everything is so heavily monitored. They only pick the good eggs and the strong sperm. They only implant the "right" embryos therefore I wonder what I did wrong to ruin its chances. I know deep down that I didn't do anything to jeopardise my baby's life, at least not knowingly but it is a doubt that sneaks in sometimes.

The nights are the most difficult time. When Brad goes to sleep and I am lying in bed next to him all the hustle and bustle of the day stops and I have nothing to hide behind or immerse myself in anymore and the emotions catch up with me. That is when the tears mainly come and I have woken up my husband with them more than once. I am hoping that this will become easier too with some time. Work have been awesome, my manager has said to take my time, to work through it and then come back only when i am ready. She said they will pay me out of my sick leave and then if that runs out they will pay me from my annual leave as I have clocked up quite a lot of that. She also gave me the number of a counselling service that my company use from time to time, when there is the death of a staff member etc.. and said that if I need to talk to someone I can call them and make an appointment, give them my employee number and my place of work and they will bill it to the company. I work for quite a large company and they do look after their employee really well but this is a service I didn't know was available to me and I was grateful for it. Brad is also apparently allowed a certain number of sessions too as my spouse.

This leads in nicely to some feelings that I want to express about the IVF clinic that Brad and I are patients with. I am disappointed at the lack of consideration for how painful a miscarriage is and the fact that the clinic focused only on my physical health and paid no attention to my emotional state. Don't get me wrong they are a wonderful clinic and my IVF nurse is a lovely lady. She was very caring when she spoke to me. It is just a gap that appears to be missing in their procedures and it is disappointing. I feel very nervous to call them but I really feel like they should know this is something they need to improve on. I feel like the miscarriage, maybe because it was such an early one, was treated no differently to what an unsuccessful cycle would have been. Instead of getting the news "I'm sorry you are not pregnant, the embryo has not implanted" i got the news "I'm sorry you are pregnant, but the blood tests show you will miscarry". Yet I get the feeling these two scenarios aren't that much different in the world of IVF. Not once was counselling offered to me even though I know from previous experience that they provide it and are required to do so by law. It was just assumed that I wouldn't need counselling. When I got quite emotional on the phone to my nurse when she called to confirm that my blood tests on Monday showed that the miscarriage had occurred and I was no longer pregnant, she sounded surprised at my tears. She was caring and concerned but still really surprised that it was affecting me so heavily. This made me feel like an idiot and made me question the validity of my grief.

I have since spoken to SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support) here in AUS - I am not sure if they are an international organisation or just something available here - and they have offered me a lot of support and sent me some literature to read. I urge anyone reading that is going through a miscarriage or been affected by a stillbirth to visit their website and contact them. I also have an appointment with my GP tomorrow just to talk with her and get some direction for beginning to take some steps forward towards feeling better. I have a wonderful husband and baby boy who need their wife and mummy, as well as just needing to move forward for myself.

There are many questions on my lips at this time. Some are big heavy ones about God's will in all this. Others are little ones like wondering when I will be ready to go back to work. You might recall that I was having some problems with heavy bleeding during my periods which my specialist was saying would require some long term treatment. That is why we used our last embryo so quickly after Nickie's birth. Well the embryo is now "used" and so it will also be soon time to think about seeking out this treatment to start fixing this problem yet after what has happened this seems so much harder to do. Just one of the many questions I am struggling with right now. Just a heads up that if we do decide on the treatment for me at this stage this will mean moving on to "life after TTCing" for Brad and I and the name of this blog and its purpose might change. So if you suddenly log on one day and "Second time around" has become "Just one time for me, thanks" then you will know why haha. I may have said previously that my specialist is suggesting a course of hormone injections for me to prevent this bleeding and they will be in effect for 3-4 years.

Just a quick unrelated note before I sign off - Nickie is 6 months old on the 16th of this month and I just can't believe it! I want to cherish every moment with him yet it seems to be zooming by. I read about infant swimming lessons at our local pool that you can take your baby to once they are 6 months and I thought this might be a positive thing for us to do together. I'm really excited about it!

Lastly - I want to keep hearing about your pregnancies and your ups and downs just like always. Don't feel like you will upset me. We are all friends so your successes are my successes. I want to hear about them!
Lots of love to you all!