Baby Proofing

No, my little Nickie has not learnt to crawl yet - the title of this post refers to baby proofing of the mind haha. I wish there was a way to do it. It's funny how when you are trying to have a baby your mind seems to constantly be focused on all things baby! We are still waiting not so patiently to begin our IVF. My mind is racing and so I am dying to start if only to put my thoughts to rest.

It's especially difficult at the moment because Rhea, my sister in law, has hit the 12 week mark of her pregnancy. That's not the difficult part, by the way because I am thrilled for her. She deserves it and will be a beautiful parent. I just mean that now she is in the safe zone the whole family is buzzing with the impending arrival of another baby and it is the first topic of conversation. I should add here that Brad and I have decided not to tell anyone about our upcoming IVF because when we originally broached the subject that we might possibly do another IVF round we were met with a lot of negative feedback and we decided we didn't need to hear that sort of talk. I realise people have their own opinions and that's no problem to me. I just have issues with people voicing them regarding other people's lives when they haven't been fully briefed on the situation. Instead of stopping to think that there might be a medical reason why we might be forced to be doing IVF again so soon (which is in fact the case) people would jump in with all the same lines: "no don't do that you don't want two babies so close together, you'll never get any sleep" type of thing. Consequently we have decided to go it alone - or more precisely we are going it "alone together".

Because nobody is aware of our secret and the fact that we are planning another baby a few things have started to happen that we are not sure how to get around. Nickie is just at the stage where he is starting to grow out of those initial items we purchased for him as a newborn, like his bassinet. Both my family and Brad's are saying things like "oh great! Pass it onto Rhea and Paul for their baby! Perfect timing!" and we are not quite sure how to explain the fact that we want to hold onto those items a bit longer. It is a completely innocent thing, by the way and I'm not blaming anyone as they aren't to know. It's just something I'm finding tough to navigate!

Because my boy is getting so big he is growing out of his 000 size clothes and is now in 00's and this week I packed up all the clothes that were too small and put the next size in his cupboard. I found several outfits as I was putting everything away that unfortuneately he never got to wear as we just got so many beautiful and thoughtful gifts for him that he didn't manage to wear all those nice clothes in time before getting too big for them. They still have the tags on them and my first instinct was to put them in a bag for Rhea. Brad saw them and said to me "Pax, why don't we keep these for a little longer. We don't know what's around the corner." and so with relief I put them away at the top of one of our cupboards.

It is strange to be packing up one baby's things and thinking that you might be getting them out again sometime very soon. Brad and I never expected to be back in the IVF game so quickly. We did plan to start trying to get pregnant again in the not so distant future as you'd remember from my previous posts but we were optimistic about giving natural conception a try before we resorted to IVF. We always planned to use the embryo but weren't really prepared right now for the medical roller coaster. Circumstances have changed though and so here we are. I am doing my best though to try to put it to the back of my mind as best as I can because I worry about Nicholas losing my attention which he really does deserve to have at its fullest right now.

I wish this wasn't an issue that I felt compelled to obsess over. I would give anything to be one of the many women of this world for whom fertility is not a luxury, it is a normal reality. I know that many people out there would read my blog and think I was ungrateful to be yearning for a second baby when they themselves have not even been blessed with one. I completely understand that and I don't want you to think I'm not grateful. I know what I have and I know how lucky this makes me and if Nickie is my only child for the rest of life that makes me so very lucky anyway. But it is so hard to take that while people like me get told to just be grateful for what we have, be content and move on, there are so many women out there who are not forced to settle for that. They can have 5, 6, 7 babies etc... as many as they want yet I have some sort of restriction on me that seems so unfair. I am yet to know what God is trying to teach me and I am sure there must be a purpose in this but it doesn't mean that some days it is not hard to take. I am not saying that those women don't deserve to have lots of babies either, far from it! I am just commenting that I wish sometimes I was one of them!

All systems go

The title of this post refers to our IVF preparations. On Tuesday we saw our IVF specialist and he has agreed with us that using our final frozen embryo would be the best thing to do at this time. I haven't really said this yet but since Nickie was born I have been experiencing really heavy bleeding which is bad enough to warrant hospitalisation. It is caused by hormonal imbalances which are caused by the PCOS. Basically it can't go on as I am getting very ill from it as the blood loss is causing severe anaemia. I have to go onto a long term medication to treat the problem because the conventional treatment for heavy bleeding (the Pill) doesn't agree with me. I have tried it many times before and always have ended up with more problems than what I started with. The specialist is reccommending that we use the embryo before proceeding with the treatment as this will prevent time from running out on the embryo while I am on the medication.

Brad and I are excited but nervous because with excitement at a new possibility often of course comes nerves that it will fail. But we are trying to remain positive and hopeful and keep a "we have done it once and we can do it again" type of mind frame. I have spent the last 48 hours filling out paperwork and dropping it into the IVF centre and now we are all set. We just have to wait now for my period (sorry for TMI) so we can start. A lot of IVF is a waiting game unfortuneately. A lot of trying to have a baby when you are infertile is a waiting game actually. First you wait to get pregnant naturally and when it doesn't happen you wait to get into a specialist to find out why, and then the waiting just continues on from there haha.

I'm trying not to think about it too much and Brad and I have agreed we are not going to tell anyone we are undertaking IVF again. We want no pressure on us and no one judging us for doing it again so soon when they don't know the reasons behind it. So what better way to keep it quiet than to post it on the web haha! Ah well no one reads this thing anyway :)

All the best to everyone and I'll keep posting to let everyone know how it's going.

Feeling Fear

The time is approaching to move forward with our preparations in attempting to create baby number 2 and I have to say I'm terrified. Why? Because, in short, I'm scared of not getting a second baby and how much that is going to hurt me. I know a lot of you out there will think I'm selfish and ungrateful because I already have a beautiful son and so I should be thankful and leave it at that. I'm sorry for that but I just can't help how I feel. I just want to be a mother. I know I already am a mother and I am thankful for that fact right down to my very core but I just feel like I have so much love to give. I'd love another pregnancy. I'd love another birth. I'd love another child. I'd love for Nickie to have a sibling and Brad to be a father of two. If it didn't happen and Nickie ended up being my one and only then I am honored to be a mother of one. I'd be content. But it would still hurt.

There are so many times in a person's life when you have to suck it up and take the risk that you will end up hurting. You have to feel fear about doing something and taking a risk and then you have to take a deep breath and do it anyway even though it's scary. And I suppose in a way it is that initial fear and the difficulty of achieving a goal that makes life so much sweeter once you get to the top of the mountain. But my God, when you are at the bottom of that mountain actually looking upwards and feeling that fear in the pit of your stomach it is so hard to put youor feet forward and start taking those first steps.

I think back to when we first did IVF and how scary it was only because I was scared of failing. They put that embryo in and thankfully it held on and grew strong and became my son, but I was so scared it wouldn't. I had so much fear about every aspect of the process at the time. On the day we got the results I feared hearing those words "I'm sorry, you aren't pregnant" so much it was like to hear them would physically hurt me. The nurse clicked away on her computer keyboard checking the system for the answer that would change our lives and everything hung in the balance. I sat on the other end of that phone and waited to hear the words. I braced myself for the worst and tried to turn myself to steel so the words couldn't hurt me. Instead I heard "Congratulations! You're pregnant!" and I cried with relief. I never had to learn that day just how much the alternative sentence would have hurt. Now that we are approaching our second and last shot at IVF I am worried that I might find out.

What if it doesn't work? What will I do? How will I feel? I am scared because I don't know. Will I be ok since I already have a child? Maybe I will be able to just be thankful for what I have and walk away and still consider the story to have a happy ending. Then again, at the moment the story already has a happy ending. If we try again will we change the ending to a sad one if it doesn't work? I think about Nickie and what it would feel like to lose him and it is a pain that I can't even comprehend or imagine. Will failing at IVF feel like that or will it be to a lesser degree since it is a child I have never known like I know Nickie? I remember what it felt like after I had the embryo transfer and I remember feeling so totally connected to my baby from the start even though I totally didn't know whether it was even going to get to become a baby yet. I know that had I have got bad news on results day it would have been awful. Will it feel as bad or will the blow be cushioned by Nickie's presence?

I guess as well that deep down I am also scared about what comes after. There have been some developments lately and I am having some medical problems which might mean I will have to go onto some medication if the IVF isn't successful. While I am on this medication I won't be capable of falling pregnant. I am very fearful at the moment of being 26 and having to already put the baby making part of my life behind me. I hope I have the strength to cope with it and move on and just focus on loving and cherishing my son. But at the same time I am worried that I will feel lost. For many years now my life has been driven by trying to become a mother. After bringing Nicholas home from hospital I felt mild guilt at the strange feelings I was having. It was kind of like a "now what?" kind of feeling. Like an athlete who had spent 10 years training for the Olympics would feel after it was all over and they had won gold. When your goal is gone what are you supposed to do with your time? I'm scared of life feeling like that.

The grass is green on this side too!

Hi everyone - it feels really weird saying that because nobody reads this haha! If there is anyone that IS actually a follower do me a favour and let me know :)

Things keep happening and events keep coming and going which remind me how much time has passed and how much things have changed in my life. Believe it or not this revelation was sparked today when I watched the new season premiere of Lipstick Jungle (a show I quite like) and I realised I couldn't remember what happened last season. I tried to think back to when exactly it was that last season aired and I realised it was before I was even pregnant with Nickie - it seems like a million years ago. Then I thought back to how "life used to feel" when I didn't have him and was still trying my best to make him a reality. It was so different. Now I go to work, I go out with friends, I get up early with Nicholas and try to sneak a cup of coffee when I can, but I do it all while feeling at peace.

I always felt so restless before like I was chasing something unattainable, and trying to have a child when I didn't think it would ever happen became a shadow that put darkness over everything. Before Nickie I would still go to work and go out with friends but I always felt while I sat at my desk or in that restaurant that my heart was somewhere else. It was also like everyone else seemed to have what I wanted. There in the ladies room at the nightclub would be a conversation of mothers who had snuck away for a night of freedom. How I longed to be at home tucking my child into bed and I would feel such resentment towards them for longing to be without "baggage" like I was. At the restaurant where I sat with my friend would be the table where a family sat. The kids would be fighting and the parents would be tired but I would look at them with envy.

This week is Mother's Day - my first one after so many years of wishing. This momentus occasion has also got me feeling reflective. Many years ago when Brad and I used to rent a little flat together long before we ever even thought about kids, I bought a chrysanthamum plant and planted it in our little flower bed. It had no symbolic signifigance at the time but after awhile it became a reminder of my goal of becoming a mother. Every year just before Mother's Day those flowers would come out and bloom brillantly as if to remind me that another year had passed without my baby coming into the world. "One day," I would think "those flowers will bloom for a Mother's Day that will include me." I became so focused on it that when we moved out of the little flat and into this house I dug up the plant and took it with us and now it is next to our letterbox. Last year when it bloomed I was waiting for our IVF results to see if I was pregnant and I was full of hope for what might be ahead. A few weeks ago I awoke to find the first flower just coming out and a few days later all the flowers were in full bloom once again. I stood there at my letterbox with the mail in my hand and shed a few tears of quiet gratitude.

To all the Mum's out there I wish you a Happy Mother's Day. And to all the women out there wanting and trying to be a Mum then most of all I wish you a peaceful Mother's Day. One day I hope it will be YOUR year and until then try not to let that shadow overcast the joy in your life. If there is one thing this journey has taught me it is how much we all spend our lives peering over each other's metephorical fences and admiring the green grass. But you know what? It is amazing to discover once you stop and take a deep breath and a good look around that there is plenty of green grass on THIS side too. Nobody could have told me that and got me to agree whilst I was trying to have a baby so I know I will be saying this in vain. Nevertheless I want to say it because it really is true.

I want to close with some lyrics to a song that became importaant to me during my struggle. It's called "The Heart of Life" by John Mayer and the sentiment behind it is really true. I realise that even more so now when I hold my son. There are some rough bumps in the road but deep down life is really pretty amazing.

"I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear, so turn off your tears, and listen.
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it don't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good."