Feeling Fear

The time is approaching to move forward with our preparations in attempting to create baby number 2 and I have to say I'm terrified. Why? Because, in short, I'm scared of not getting a second baby and how much that is going to hurt me. I know a lot of you out there will think I'm selfish and ungrateful because I already have a beautiful son and so I should be thankful and leave it at that. I'm sorry for that but I just can't help how I feel. I just want to be a mother. I know I already am a mother and I am thankful for that fact right down to my very core but I just feel like I have so much love to give. I'd love another pregnancy. I'd love another birth. I'd love another child. I'd love for Nickie to have a sibling and Brad to be a father of two. If it didn't happen and Nickie ended up being my one and only then I am honored to be a mother of one. I'd be content. But it would still hurt.

There are so many times in a person's life when you have to suck it up and take the risk that you will end up hurting. You have to feel fear about doing something and taking a risk and then you have to take a deep breath and do it anyway even though it's scary. And I suppose in a way it is that initial fear and the difficulty of achieving a goal that makes life so much sweeter once you get to the top of the mountain. But my God, when you are at the bottom of that mountain actually looking upwards and feeling that fear in the pit of your stomach it is so hard to put youor feet forward and start taking those first steps.

I think back to when we first did IVF and how scary it was only because I was scared of failing. They put that embryo in and thankfully it held on and grew strong and became my son, but I was so scared it wouldn't. I had so much fear about every aspect of the process at the time. On the day we got the results I feared hearing those words "I'm sorry, you aren't pregnant" so much it was like to hear them would physically hurt me. The nurse clicked away on her computer keyboard checking the system for the answer that would change our lives and everything hung in the balance. I sat on the other end of that phone and waited to hear the words. I braced myself for the worst and tried to turn myself to steel so the words couldn't hurt me. Instead I heard "Congratulations! You're pregnant!" and I cried with relief. I never had to learn that day just how much the alternative sentence would have hurt. Now that we are approaching our second and last shot at IVF I am worried that I might find out.

What if it doesn't work? What will I do? How will I feel? I am scared because I don't know. Will I be ok since I already have a child? Maybe I will be able to just be thankful for what I have and walk away and still consider the story to have a happy ending. Then again, at the moment the story already has a happy ending. If we try again will we change the ending to a sad one if it doesn't work? I think about Nickie and what it would feel like to lose him and it is a pain that I can't even comprehend or imagine. Will failing at IVF feel like that or will it be to a lesser degree since it is a child I have never known like I know Nickie? I remember what it felt like after I had the embryo transfer and I remember feeling so totally connected to my baby from the start even though I totally didn't know whether it was even going to get to become a baby yet. I know that had I have got bad news on results day it would have been awful. Will it feel as bad or will the blow be cushioned by Nickie's presence?

I guess as well that deep down I am also scared about what comes after. There have been some developments lately and I am having some medical problems which might mean I will have to go onto some medication if the IVF isn't successful. While I am on this medication I won't be capable of falling pregnant. I am very fearful at the moment of being 26 and having to already put the baby making part of my life behind me. I hope I have the strength to cope with it and move on and just focus on loving and cherishing my son. But at the same time I am worried that I will feel lost. For many years now my life has been driven by trying to become a mother. After bringing Nicholas home from hospital I felt mild guilt at the strange feelings I was having. It was kind of like a "now what?" kind of feeling. Like an athlete who had spent 10 years training for the Olympics would feel after it was all over and they had won gold. When your goal is gone what are you supposed to do with your time? I'm scared of life feeling like that.