Every now and then something happens to make me wish that Brad and I could go back in time to the uncomplicated days gone by. Not that I don't love where and what we are now. Brad is a beautiful loving husband whom I love back with all my heart. But infertility has a way of making even the best relationships struggle sometimes, I think. There was a time when we were on the same page about everything. Now sometimes I get annoyed - not with Brad, with the infertility - that sometimes it seems like we are on completely different pages. I remember reading in a magazine while waiting in one of my many specialist's offices, an article about how couples cope with infertility. It listed some bizzarre statistic like that 60% of couples break up over infertility struggles. It was extremely early in our baby journey and I remember almost scoffing as I read and thinking "well those partnerships aren't very strong then." But now, years later, though Brad and I are one of the lucky couples, we both totally understand why this statistic is so.
Infertility is hard! I can't help but remember how blissfully simple life used to be with Brad before we knew there was a problem in the baby department. We met each other whilst studying, were friends for awhile and I had a crush on him before too long. I mentioned him a few times (ok, more than a few!) to my best friend Cate and when she accompanied me to a party one night which Brad also happened to be at, she took it upon herself to drop a few not so subtle hints to him that I was interested. I am not sure to this day exactly what she said and Brad claims he doesn't remember, but one minute we were all chatting and laughing together, then I go up to the bar to get us all another round of drinks and left the two of them alone for a few seconds. The next thing I know, I am returning with the drinks and Brad is grinning at me and asking me did I want to go out sometime!
So we started off with a few movies, dinners etc as you do and before long we were pretty hooked on each other. From that moment on for the next few years until after our wedding when we started trying for kids, life was just so blissfully easy. Since then we have been through so much: infertility, various treatments relating to that, IVF, various complications relating to that, a pregnancy which was completely wonderful but also really hard too because I was so sick and in and out of hospital throughout the whole thing, and now a miscarriage. I love Brad with all my heart and Nickie too. To have both my boys in my life brings me such absolute joy that I don't want you to think I am complaining about my life. Everything we went through, Nickie has made well worth it, a million times over. If we had to we would both live through the whole thing again to have him. I just wonder sometimes why it had to be us. Why not one of those couple out there that are not fussed whether or not they have childern? Why did WE, the couple who felt they were born to be parents, end up being the ones who couldn't without a struggle? If only we could have just got married, started trying and had Nickie. I wonder if things would still seem so blissfully simple and whether that would be a good thing or not? Maybe we need complexities in life to keep us interested?
This coming weekend is Nickie's naming day which we are very happy and excited about. I have written a poem about how special he is that is going to be read on the day, we have ordered the most awesome cake, and we are looking forward to spending the day with our family and close friends. This weekend that has just gone, Brad and I decided we would have a big working bee in our yard to get it looking great for the special day, as after the ceremony we are having a big BBQ. A few weeks ago we had really strong winds which were a bit freakish for Spring, and this huge bush/shrub thing that we had in our garden got blown in the wind and actually snapped clean off at the base and so we had to dig it out as we couldn't salvage it. It was quite pretty so it was a shame to lose it, and it was really big so it left a huge space in our garden. We spoke about what we wanted to put there in it's place and came up with the idea that we wanted to get two smaller plants to fill the spot, one to represent Nickie and one to represent the baby we lost. During our working bee on Sunday we went out and chose the plants. I wanted something pretty and simple, but I had trouble choosing. It bugged me that Brad didn't really seem to get how important it was to me to pick the "right" thing. In the end I had to explain to him that I am sad that Nickie gets a naming day and a whole party, and our other baby just gets a plant and that this is why I am wanting to choose carefully and make sure it's beautiful. I watched his face change with realisation as I said this, and at that moment I knew he had "got it". But it bugged me that I had to explain. I wish we could both go through this grief process at the same pace, instead of being on different pages about it most of the time.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
What could have been and what now is....
It's Rhea's last day at work tomorrow before she begins her maternity leave. She is so very excited, it's wonderful. Her due date is Dec 11. Seeing her experience this milestone is making me reflect back on the time of my life when I was relaxing at home waiting for Nickie. I was completely sick, throwing up every second of the day, being monitored for high blood pressure, my feet were so swollen they just looked like huge pieces of meat. But you know what? I loved it! It felt serene. So peaceful and so beautiful. I think it was one of the most special times of my life.
Life kind of came to this peaceful standstill while Brad and I prepared to meet our son. We shopped together and got his room ready, we went to our birthing classes. We laid in bed many a night till early hours of the morning feeling Nickie kick us and we talked about what he might look like and who he might be and what life might be like as a family of three. Some mornings I'd get up early with Brad and we'd eat breakfast together and go for a walk and then after he'd leave for work I'd soak in the tub or curl up in bed with a good book.
Towards the very end of the pregnancy when I got quite sick with the blood pressure, Mum took me under her wing and looked after me while Brad worked. She would drive me around to appointments and to the shops to get groceries and so forth. Some nights I would wake up and feel restless and if it wasn't too late I'd call Mum for company as she is quite the night owl and is often up till all hours. We went to so many late night movies and watched lots of DVDs and sometimes I'd sleep over at her house if I got drowsy during the movie! The next day when I'd see Brad again he'd joke how great it was to have some room in the bed without "the two of you" in it taking up all the room. And then he'd kiss my belly and say he was just joking and that he had missed us.
Some days I think back to these magical moments and remember the baby I lost and feel sad that I never got to live through all that for a second time. Then I remember how privellaged and blessed I am to have lived through it once. Every time I pick up my little man and he "hugs" me by holding onto me and snuggling into my shoulder grinning, everytime I tickle his armpit and hear his little laugh, I am so thankful. Thankyou so much Lord for making me a mother. I know I could have been a mother of two, but right now I'm a mother of one....and you know what? That's pretty damn great! :)
Life kind of came to this peaceful standstill while Brad and I prepared to meet our son. We shopped together and got his room ready, we went to our birthing classes. We laid in bed many a night till early hours of the morning feeling Nickie kick us and we talked about what he might look like and who he might be and what life might be like as a family of three. Some mornings I'd get up early with Brad and we'd eat breakfast together and go for a walk and then after he'd leave for work I'd soak in the tub or curl up in bed with a good book.
Towards the very end of the pregnancy when I got quite sick with the blood pressure, Mum took me under her wing and looked after me while Brad worked. She would drive me around to appointments and to the shops to get groceries and so forth. Some nights I would wake up and feel restless and if it wasn't too late I'd call Mum for company as she is quite the night owl and is often up till all hours. We went to so many late night movies and watched lots of DVDs and sometimes I'd sleep over at her house if I got drowsy during the movie! The next day when I'd see Brad again he'd joke how great it was to have some room in the bed without "the two of you" in it taking up all the room. And then he'd kiss my belly and say he was just joking and that he had missed us.
Some days I think back to these magical moments and remember the baby I lost and feel sad that I never got to live through all that for a second time. Then I remember how privellaged and blessed I am to have lived through it once. Every time I pick up my little man and he "hugs" me by holding onto me and snuggling into my shoulder grinning, everytime I tickle his armpit and hear his little laugh, I am so thankful. Thankyou so much Lord for making me a mother. I know I could have been a mother of two, but right now I'm a mother of one....and you know what? That's pretty damn great! :)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Oh My Lordy!!!
I have had such a stressful week. I'm so glad to have this blog to do a bit of venting and get some neutral perspective from my fellow bloggers. As you all know I work Mon and Fri and while I work my mum minds Nickie. It was something she wanted to do for me since I was pregnant as we are very close and I think after the stress my sister puts my folks through they are grateful that I'm no trouble to them haha. Also I think they respect and appreciate how hard Brad and I work to provide for ourselves and for Nickie so Mum wanted to do something to help us by minding him and eliminating the cost of daycare. She has been doing a great job and really enjoying it so far. Nickie absolutely adores her and enjoys his Nan days immensely so the arrangement has been awesome. Until Monday....
I have shown my mum many times how to fold our pram down and up and she has always had trouble mastering it. When I work I leave my car for mum and she drives Nickie around if she wants to go anywhere. Often she will take him to the shops or to her place. On Monday she took him to her place and she, my dad and Nickie went for a walk using the pram which mum got out of the boot of my car. After they got back, mum started to pack up Nickie to bring him back to my house and was having trouble folding the pram down to get it back in the car boot. My dad told her he would see if he could do it and to go inside and get Nickie ready and he would take care of it. She got Nickie ready and came back out and dad has got the pram into the boot so mum drives him back to my house.
I need to digress here and explain my dad has an ongoing habit of trying to fix things he knows nothing about and ending up breaking them. I got a car stereo for my 20th birthday and I booked in to get it installed professionally but dad wouldn't listen and thought he could do it himself. I said no and so one day when I was out with a friend and not using the car, dad decided he would "surprise me" and instal it while I was out. The result was that I not only had to pay to have the stereo installed properly, I also had to pay an extra $50 to have my air conditioning re-wired as my dad had ripped out all the wires in his attempt to wire up the stereo. I was not impressed. This is only one instance, there have been many over the years.
Anyway I get home from work, mum is at my house and she says to me "Pax can you come out and make sure everything is ok with the baby car seat because it looks sort of different than it usually does." I come out and realise with horror that the whole seat is unhooked and unrestrained. There are straps and a safety anchor that all connect up in the boot of the car and are bolted in and the bolt is just loose and lying on the floor in the back seat and all the straps are just loose in the back seat and not attached to anything. My first thought, not knowing anything about my Dad being near that area at the time was that the car seat had come out because it was faulty or had been improperly installed. I never dreamed it was anything to do with anything my parents had done so I was not yelling or directing anything towards Mum. I was just in shock saying things like "oh no, I can't believe this, to think I have been driving Nickie around on a car seat like this. Did you see anything odd about the seat before this Mum because I haven't seen anything before? I'll have to contact the store....etc" I have to digress again and add that since the miscarriage I have noticed my stress levels are higher and I get very jumpy and upset about the littlest things especially when they are to do with Nickie. Worry sometimes keeps me awake at night too and it is something I talk about with the counsellor I see regularly and she gives me strategies to deal with stress. Mum does know all this.
Mum then says "Oh no....I have an awful feeling your father has done this." and she proceeds to tell me the story of the pram. I have a sinking feeling that it was indeed my dad's doing and mum starts to feel terrible that she has driven him home with the seat like that and that he has caused trouble because now I will have to get the seat refitted etc...I say to her it wasn't her fault, she is not to know. In my head I was kind of thinking well how could she not notice all the bolts and staps everywhere but really I know it's not her fault and she does feel terrible so I told her not to worry, that we would sort it out and that Nickie is ok so we'll just make sure it doesn't happen again and maybe talk to dad about how important the car seat safety is (ie. stop touching things!). She goes home and I can tell she is stressed. I was stressed too but not angry at her, just frustrated because now I have a problem to fix and I am thinking about all the appointments we have that I am going to have to postpone as I had a busy couple of days ahead.
Later that night I decided to go over to Mum and Dad's to check Mum was ok and to talk to Dad. Dad is all frosty to me so I think "ok Mum has told him I was annoyed" but I just started to have a friendly conversation with him to let him know while I was not impressed, I was also not going to hold a grudge. I asked him could he come out to my car with me. I showed him all the straps and how they hook up in the boot and that there is a big bolt which is a safety anchor to make sure Nickie's car seat is secured to something so it wont go flying around the car. I asked him did he undo it and if so why did he do that? He says yes he undid it all because the pram wouldn't fit in the car boot and the bolts and straps were in the way and he didn't realise what they were for. By this time I am starting to feel pretty pissed off because I found that to be incredibly irresponsible. I tried to remain calm and speak to him nicely but at the same time I wanted to be firm and for him to understand the gravity of what he had done. I said to him that he has to learn that now that I have a baby a lot of things in my car and home are installed to make Nickie safer and so there might be straps and bolts and things everywhere and they are there for a purpose. I said not knowing what something is is not an excuse for tampering with something and that if he is not 100% sure of what something is and that he knows how to use it, then he is not to touch or tamper with it. I explained to him that an easier way would have been to leave the pram at their house and I could have collected it later, and that instead poor mum is feeling bad as she has driven Nickie home unsafely. Not once did I raise my voice although I was quite direct with what I said. Dad starts cracking it with me and yelling at me and he storms inside. I gave Mum a hug and said i was sorry for causing a scene but that I really felt something had to be said to him and told her I loved her and I'd see her another time.
The next day I call to check on her and she is not talking to me!!!! She tells me how dare I yell at her and Dad and she feels I am too critical of the way she looks after Nickie and that this is not the first time I have been critical and she is sick of it. She yells at me that I can find someone else to look after Nickie because she is not doing it any longer, she is sick of being judged. Then she hung up on me. I was gobsmacked! Not once did I "yell" at neither her nor dad. I don't feel I even raised my voice. And yes I did speak tersely to Dad but i feel not touching the car seat bolts was something a little kid would know. Who in their right mind would see at that set up and then undo it and not even worry about what it was or think to look what it was or even to ask Mum? And I certainly never directed any of my frustrations on Mum either as I didn't feel it was her fault.
Brad and I had a huge talk about what to do. We wondered if I should quit my job or if perhaps Mum might come to her senses. Then I said to Brad that I preferred to make other arrangements even if she does come to her senses. I thought now that she has accused me of being over critical then I will feel like I can't even have a say in the way she looks after my own child. Also I think I would walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting her again and causing her to "quit" babysitting Nickie. We decided after a day of deliberation that I would continue to work and we would put Nickie in daycare for the two days. We have spent the last two days chasing around looking at day care centres and choosing one. He is now all enrolled and ready to start this Monday. I then had to find an emergency babysitter for this Friday. My best friends Mum said she would be more than happy to help which I so appreciated. She is a lovely lady and has been like a second Mum to me since I was 13.
So with everything all set my Mum finally calls me and is now talking to me civally. She offers her babysitting services back but on a "trial basis" and she is not sure how long she will do it for. I said "Mum thanks so much for all you have done and thanks for the offer but Brad and I have made alternate arrangements." She is all shocked as if she thought that without her babysitting we would fall in a heap. I told her that I hoped in time she would still like to spend a day with Nickie every now and then because he will really miss her. She seemed really sad and regretting her "resignation". I am trying not to hold a grudge about the way she has acted but I am really sad and hurt. She has taken a really nice thing away from both herself and Nickie for the sake of being petty. I don't mind if she doesn't want to mind him because he is my obligation not hers, it is just the way she acted.
I can't believe after all my sister has done and still continues to do and they forgive her, they then turn around and haul me across the coals for this stupid car seat incident when it wasn't even me that did anything. Dad never once apologised for doing what he did, or even for inconveniencing me, nor did he offer to pay the $40 we had to pay to get the seat re-installed and safety tested. Not that I would have taken the money but it would have been nice to be offered. Dad is still not talking to me as he is so disappointed in me for being so rude to him! Yet my sister causes them to have debt collectors knocking at their door looking for her. She steals their credit cards and forges their signatures, she has stolen Mum's jewellery in the past and they never even react! I'm really quite hurt.
As well as that I am nervous that Nickie will now be in daycare. It looked like a lovely place and it will probably turn out that he will have a great time but it makes me feel funny. I guess probably because it's new and because of the circumstances. I hope we all feel better soon about everything. Sorry for the long post guys I'll shut up now! XOXOXO
I have shown my mum many times how to fold our pram down and up and she has always had trouble mastering it. When I work I leave my car for mum and she drives Nickie around if she wants to go anywhere. Often she will take him to the shops or to her place. On Monday she took him to her place and she, my dad and Nickie went for a walk using the pram which mum got out of the boot of my car. After they got back, mum started to pack up Nickie to bring him back to my house and was having trouble folding the pram down to get it back in the car boot. My dad told her he would see if he could do it and to go inside and get Nickie ready and he would take care of it. She got Nickie ready and came back out and dad has got the pram into the boot so mum drives him back to my house.
I need to digress here and explain my dad has an ongoing habit of trying to fix things he knows nothing about and ending up breaking them. I got a car stereo for my 20th birthday and I booked in to get it installed professionally but dad wouldn't listen and thought he could do it himself. I said no and so one day when I was out with a friend and not using the car, dad decided he would "surprise me" and instal it while I was out. The result was that I not only had to pay to have the stereo installed properly, I also had to pay an extra $50 to have my air conditioning re-wired as my dad had ripped out all the wires in his attempt to wire up the stereo. I was not impressed. This is only one instance, there have been many over the years.
Anyway I get home from work, mum is at my house and she says to me "Pax can you come out and make sure everything is ok with the baby car seat because it looks sort of different than it usually does." I come out and realise with horror that the whole seat is unhooked and unrestrained. There are straps and a safety anchor that all connect up in the boot of the car and are bolted in and the bolt is just loose and lying on the floor in the back seat and all the straps are just loose in the back seat and not attached to anything. My first thought, not knowing anything about my Dad being near that area at the time was that the car seat had come out because it was faulty or had been improperly installed. I never dreamed it was anything to do with anything my parents had done so I was not yelling or directing anything towards Mum. I was just in shock saying things like "oh no, I can't believe this, to think I have been driving Nickie around on a car seat like this. Did you see anything odd about the seat before this Mum because I haven't seen anything before? I'll have to contact the store....etc" I have to digress again and add that since the miscarriage I have noticed my stress levels are higher and I get very jumpy and upset about the littlest things especially when they are to do with Nickie. Worry sometimes keeps me awake at night too and it is something I talk about with the counsellor I see regularly and she gives me strategies to deal with stress. Mum does know all this.
Mum then says "Oh no....I have an awful feeling your father has done this." and she proceeds to tell me the story of the pram. I have a sinking feeling that it was indeed my dad's doing and mum starts to feel terrible that she has driven him home with the seat like that and that he has caused trouble because now I will have to get the seat refitted etc...I say to her it wasn't her fault, she is not to know. In my head I was kind of thinking well how could she not notice all the bolts and staps everywhere but really I know it's not her fault and she does feel terrible so I told her not to worry, that we would sort it out and that Nickie is ok so we'll just make sure it doesn't happen again and maybe talk to dad about how important the car seat safety is (ie. stop touching things!). She goes home and I can tell she is stressed. I was stressed too but not angry at her, just frustrated because now I have a problem to fix and I am thinking about all the appointments we have that I am going to have to postpone as I had a busy couple of days ahead.
Later that night I decided to go over to Mum and Dad's to check Mum was ok and to talk to Dad. Dad is all frosty to me so I think "ok Mum has told him I was annoyed" but I just started to have a friendly conversation with him to let him know while I was not impressed, I was also not going to hold a grudge. I asked him could he come out to my car with me. I showed him all the straps and how they hook up in the boot and that there is a big bolt which is a safety anchor to make sure Nickie's car seat is secured to something so it wont go flying around the car. I asked him did he undo it and if so why did he do that? He says yes he undid it all because the pram wouldn't fit in the car boot and the bolts and straps were in the way and he didn't realise what they were for. By this time I am starting to feel pretty pissed off because I found that to be incredibly irresponsible. I tried to remain calm and speak to him nicely but at the same time I wanted to be firm and for him to understand the gravity of what he had done. I said to him that he has to learn that now that I have a baby a lot of things in my car and home are installed to make Nickie safer and so there might be straps and bolts and things everywhere and they are there for a purpose. I said not knowing what something is is not an excuse for tampering with something and that if he is not 100% sure of what something is and that he knows how to use it, then he is not to touch or tamper with it. I explained to him that an easier way would have been to leave the pram at their house and I could have collected it later, and that instead poor mum is feeling bad as she has driven Nickie home unsafely. Not once did I raise my voice although I was quite direct with what I said. Dad starts cracking it with me and yelling at me and he storms inside. I gave Mum a hug and said i was sorry for causing a scene but that I really felt something had to be said to him and told her I loved her and I'd see her another time.
The next day I call to check on her and she is not talking to me!!!! She tells me how dare I yell at her and Dad and she feels I am too critical of the way she looks after Nickie and that this is not the first time I have been critical and she is sick of it. She yells at me that I can find someone else to look after Nickie because she is not doing it any longer, she is sick of being judged. Then she hung up on me. I was gobsmacked! Not once did I "yell" at neither her nor dad. I don't feel I even raised my voice. And yes I did speak tersely to Dad but i feel not touching the car seat bolts was something a little kid would know. Who in their right mind would see at that set up and then undo it and not even worry about what it was or think to look what it was or even to ask Mum? And I certainly never directed any of my frustrations on Mum either as I didn't feel it was her fault.
Brad and I had a huge talk about what to do. We wondered if I should quit my job or if perhaps Mum might come to her senses. Then I said to Brad that I preferred to make other arrangements even if she does come to her senses. I thought now that she has accused me of being over critical then I will feel like I can't even have a say in the way she looks after my own child. Also I think I would walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting her again and causing her to "quit" babysitting Nickie. We decided after a day of deliberation that I would continue to work and we would put Nickie in daycare for the two days. We have spent the last two days chasing around looking at day care centres and choosing one. He is now all enrolled and ready to start this Monday. I then had to find an emergency babysitter for this Friday. My best friends Mum said she would be more than happy to help which I so appreciated. She is a lovely lady and has been like a second Mum to me since I was 13.
So with everything all set my Mum finally calls me and is now talking to me civally. She offers her babysitting services back but on a "trial basis" and she is not sure how long she will do it for. I said "Mum thanks so much for all you have done and thanks for the offer but Brad and I have made alternate arrangements." She is all shocked as if she thought that without her babysitting we would fall in a heap. I told her that I hoped in time she would still like to spend a day with Nickie every now and then because he will really miss her. She seemed really sad and regretting her "resignation". I am trying not to hold a grudge about the way she has acted but I am really sad and hurt. She has taken a really nice thing away from both herself and Nickie for the sake of being petty. I don't mind if she doesn't want to mind him because he is my obligation not hers, it is just the way she acted.
I can't believe after all my sister has done and still continues to do and they forgive her, they then turn around and haul me across the coals for this stupid car seat incident when it wasn't even me that did anything. Dad never once apologised for doing what he did, or even for inconveniencing me, nor did he offer to pay the $40 we had to pay to get the seat re-installed and safety tested. Not that I would have taken the money but it would have been nice to be offered. Dad is still not talking to me as he is so disappointed in me for being so rude to him! Yet my sister causes them to have debt collectors knocking at their door looking for her. She steals their credit cards and forges their signatures, she has stolen Mum's jewellery in the past and they never even react! I'm really quite hurt.
As well as that I am nervous that Nickie will now be in daycare. It looked like a lovely place and it will probably turn out that he will have a great time but it makes me feel funny. I guess probably because it's new and because of the circumstances. I hope we all feel better soon about everything. Sorry for the long post guys I'll shut up now! XOXOXO
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