I wished on so many stars...

There are days like today when I wake up and feel incredibly grateful for what I have and the guilt about wanting more makes me feel like an awful person. Not that anyone actually reads this blog yet (haha) but just in case, I want you all to know that I do realise how incredibly blessed I am and not a day goes by when I don't feel like getting down on my knees to thank God or the universe or whoever or whatever it is that sends us such precious joy. It's just that this blog is kind of about my struggle with infertility so I tend to write a lot about that. I don't want you all to think however, that that is all I can find in my life, when it also includes a beautiful baby boy and a wonderful loving husband.

Today I was holding Nickie, and the line that I have used for today's title popped into my head: "I wished on so many stars for you". It is so true because I really did. I have lost count of the number of stars, blown out birthday candles, chicken wishbones, four leaf clovers..you name it..that I used to make wishes that Nickie would find his way into my life. It was always a wish that I made thinking that it would never be realised. I never thought I was lucky enough. So you could forgive me now for sometimes having to stop and pinch myself to check that yes this beautiful happy, healthy boy belongs to me and to Brad. A friend of mine and myself were, the other day, discussing my hope that Nickie will have a brother or sister someday. I wondered aloud whether I could defy the odds and get pregnant naturally without the help of IVF. She said "wow if you could get pregnant naturally it would be a miracle baby!" and I had to abruptly correct her. You see, I already HAVE a miracle baby. His name is Nicholas and he will always be my very first miracle. If he turns out to be my only miracle then how could I complain about that!?

Sometimes people who know our story comment on Nickie's birth and the fact that he is here and one common phrase that constantly seems to pop up is "meant to be". I totally agree. Some people might think that IVF is a form of playing God but I would passionately debate that opinion. I know people who took tons of tries at IVF to get their "miracle baby". I know couples who took only one try like us. I know many more couples who are still trying and are yet to bring home a little bundle of joy and even more still who did achieve a pregnancy and then had all their dreams dashed by miscarriage. My point is that yes we are all getting help to achieve what we want and to beat the medical problems that are preventing us from creating a family. We are putting a ready made embryo into our wombs to try to become parents. But it is still up to God whether that embryo hangs on and keeps growing. Brad tells me off constantly for thinking too much about this whole process because I really can sometimes drive us both crazy with the "what ifs". I ask myself "what if we had have done ........ differently?" Would we still have our boy? Because I hate questions that I don't know the answer to, the fact that nobody will ever know drives me nuts. I have to say as well that the thought of how easy it might have been to NOT have Nicholas in my life really terrifies me as stupid as that sounds, since he is indeed right here.

We had two embryos and I often wonder if that lab technician had have simply selected the other one that day, what would've happened? Would we have a completely different baby right now and would Nickie be still an embryo in a lab freezer? Would the other embryo have been weaker and not made it and so would I still be sitting here wishing on those stars?

I wonder about the personality of the embryo that we still do have in storage and wonder who it is going to be some day and whether it will have a chance to live. I wonder if it is cold in that freezer - a thought that Brad thinks is eerie yet ridiculous. I wonder if Nickie's success at "hanging on" and getting here was caused by anything in particular. Was it the acupuncture, my mood, the music I listened to that day, the fact that I had an afternoon nap that day? Could any of those things have changed the outcome or would he have got here anyway?

So to all those people who dispute IVF or think it might be playing God, I completely respect your opinion. But that is why I don't share it. With so many contributing factors and so many things that could have become obstacles in my son's journey I really do have to come to the same conclusion that everyone else seems to when they see him: that he really was "meant to be".

Obviously it pays to wish on stars :)

The green eyed monster

I always felt a jealousy when people informed me they were pregnant or when I saw a pregnant woman in the shops buying baby clothes or something like that. When I was finally pregnant myself with Nicholas I saw the jealousy in others sometimes. Brad and I once went to see Sara, our IVF nurse, to show her our 20 week ultrasound pics as the IVF clinic was in the same building as the ultrasound clinic. I walked in and I felt the eyes of all the women waiting in that reception area boring into me with so much yearning. I felt really terrible for going because I remembered how when I was in their position a pregnant woman in my vicinity was very hard to deal with. I came home that day and cried both for how lucky I was and how unlucky they were - the same as how I once had been unlucky too. Unlucky to be "infertile", unlucky to be still waiting for a miracle, unlucky to have their baby making experience - something that should be beautiful and natural - marred by clinical jargon, blood tests, doctors visits and timed sex.

I felt such relief after having Nickie that that jealousy would be something I could say goodbye to...or so I thought. I can't remember if I have said this already but my sister in law, Rhea (Brad's sister) is pregnant after having a miscarriage last year. I don't want anyone to think I don't wish her well because I do. I am so incredibly thrilled for both her and her husband Paul. They are a wonderful couple who will make this lucky baby a fabulous set of parents. Both Brad and I were devastated when they lost their baby last year and we were all dying to hear the wonderful news that they had been blessed with another pregnancy. But I was listening to Rhea talk to me on the phone today about how tired she was and how she was trying to hold out until 12 weeks to buy something for the baby and I felt a feeling which made me stop in my tracks. I realised it was jealousy! I spoke to Brad about it later because I felt absolutely terrible for feeling even a hint of jealousy when my little precious miracle boy was wrapped up safely sleeping in his cot.

I guess it's just the fact, not that I am desperately feeling like I "need" to be pregnant again right now, but that I want the choice. I guess I feel resentful that I don't actually have that choice and I'm jealous of those who do. Not that I wish them any harm or wish they weren't pregnant, I just wish I could join their club! I wish I knew for sure that there was a brother or sister in store for Nickie and another pregnancy and birth in my future.

The ghost line

This post kind of echoes my last one, regarding the wonderful invention that is a home pregnancy test. I really think they should put addiction warnings on the packages like they do for cigarettes. Every time I take a test I imagine Brad on Oprah telling her all about how his wife's addiction to "pee on a sticks" cost us our home and put us into debt haha. I have begun to fall back into the world of analysing every symptom and wondering if it could spell pregnancy. "That hamburger has given me heartburn! Could I be knocked up?!" it's ridiculous! But what's even more ridiculous is the way us desperate women start to believe our own fantasties. You might not have had sex in four years but when you pee on that stick somehow you believe that it COULD be a possibility that you might see that elusive pink line.

Today I did a pregnancy test even though it is only cycle day 24 - too early by just about every test's standards for a positive result. I stood there in my bathroom waiting for that line to show with one half of my brain, and the other half of my brain was laughing at me for wasting 12 dollars buying the test. I was about to throw the test in the bin when the light caught it in just the right way so that I caught the slightest hint of a shadowy second line. It has not the least hint of colour and is almost invisible unless the test is held at the correct angle. I can't make up my mind whether it could be a positive that is too early to show up properly or whether it is an indent line where the positive result would show if it was there. I have made up my mind to wait until Thursday to retest and to stop being an idiot overanalysing everything. I am a grown woman for goodness sake!

On a different note Brad, Nickie and I spent our first Easter together as a family and it was beautiful. Nickie woke up to an easter egg and a toy rabbit left for him by none other than the Easter bunny. It made my heart ache with happiness as having a child to spend the holidays with has been a dream of mine for so long now, and one I never thought would be fufilled. I thought of all the other women out there longing for a baby and thinking it will never happen to them. My Easter wish is that all our bodies could work properly and that we could all have our babies. Everybody that has a mother's heart should have that beautiful chance to carry and cuddle their child. I never thought I would be so blessed and thankfully I was wrong. If you are one of the many women out there who are in this boat, then you are in my thoughts this easter as you are each and every day. Happy easter everybody!

Baby Addicts Anonymous!

It is funny how trying to concieve a baby becomes an obsession or an addiction very quickly. My sister in law has been trying for awhile now and she totally relates to this. We have spoken about it many times. The part that's especially addictive is the whole "taking a pregnancy test" part. There is something about peeing on that stick and waiting for it to change colour that generates a whole range of emotions: hopefulness, happiness etc but also unfortuneately despair. My SIL and I joke that we both need to attend meetings for our "addiction" haha. When I rang the IVF clinic for my pregnancy results last year and was told "congratulations, you are pregnant" one of the first things I did was rush out and buy a home pregnancy test much to the confusion of my husband. "Pax, it's a blood test!" he exclaimed "it's more accurate than a home pregnancy test, why do you want to do one of those for when you already know?" He didn't understand at the time, but the truth was I wanted to see that colour change and that line come up as it was something, even after hundreds and thousands of pregnancy tests, that I had never had the pleasure of seeing before. I kept the test stick and still have it hidden away in a drawer.



I always assumed that when I tried to concieve baby number two, that it would feel different. Somehow I assumed, not that I wouldn't care as much exactly, but that the event wouldn't be surrounded with such desperation and therefore I would be able to relax and not think about it so much and to go with the flow. Let me tell you now, it's not true. We haven't even officially started trying yet - we have booked our appointment to see the specialist in May - we are just "not preventing". Already my life is threatening to become an endless blur of ovulation kits, calendars and yearning. I am working really hard to stop this and focus my attention elsewhere because I don't want this to happen again. I have too many strong memories of terrible days gone by when I could barely contain my sorrow at not having a baby. I would travel to work in a haze and just barely get through a work day before I would go home to spend a sleepless night lying next to my husband in bed but not feeling close to him, before I would have to get up and function again.

I thought that it would be easier to deal with other people's pregnancies after I had a baby of my own. Not true either. My sister in law is actually finally pregnant now and although I'm absolutely overjoyed for her and ecstatic at the idea that Nickie will have an itty bitty cousin to grow up with, I found myself listening to her talk about her new pregnancy with twinges of sadness that maybe I will never be in her shoes again. I wish having another baby was a choice Brad and I could just make one day and then carry out. That we could just get into bed together and make love like a regular husband and wife and make a baby. I wish that every month I could be optimistic about the fact that it was a new oppurtunity to make Nickie a little brother or sister. The truth is though, we are not a regular couple. Our baby making consists of doctors appointments, blood tests, ultrasounds and hospital visits. And that's just a shot at a baby, not a garuntee.

I have found myself lately looking at that positive pregnancy test in my bottom drawer and wishing for another one. But I do take comfort in the fact that one day not so long ago, that beautiful pink coloured line showed up for me and told me that I was having my precious son. That positive pregnancy test was mine and no one elses. And for that I guess I can't ever consider myself to be anything short of blessed. I have to remember that.

Welcome to the journey!

Hi to all that happen to come across this attempt at blogging, and thanks for reading! I have to start by explaining that I am so not the best at anything computer related so I apologise in advance if this blog is not as exciting as others but I'm hoping to learn as I go :)

My name is Paxton Campbell and I am 26 years old. I live in Melbourne, Australia. My husband Brad and I were married 4 years ago and we have spent much of our married life thus far trying to have a baby. I don't really know where to start in summing up this period of our lives because it was a very rocky road. There were tears and many tough days once we realised that babies were something that was not going to come easy to us. After many treatments (including finally an IVF cycle) we finally got our miracle and we welcomed our precious little boy, Nicholas, into the world this January.

Now for the purpose of this blog! I look at Nickie and feel so thankful that he is here. I love children so much and have always wished to be a mother and I feel so content knowing that dream is finally a reality. I am so grateful as I know it quite easily might never have happened. I know other people who have tried for much longer than we did and they still don't have their miracle. If I never in my life have another child then I will still feel nothing short of absolutely blessed to have my son. But the truth is I would love another child. I would love a little brother or sister for Nickie. I would love to give Brad a daughter or even another son.

Both Brad and I have decided that IVF isn't for us anymore. There are many reasons for this, but the easiest way of putting it is that IVF is just too hard in every way. Emotionally, financially, physically, mentally...it is just so tough. We have one embryo left in frozen storage and we are eagar to use it soon but after that we are on our own. Who knows - we might get lucky and this will be a short journey! But deep down, I am ready for another long road in trying to have our second baby. I figure I could use some friends along the way! So there you have it: that's my story and this is my blog. Welcome!