The green eyed monster

I always felt a jealousy when people informed me they were pregnant or when I saw a pregnant woman in the shops buying baby clothes or something like that. When I was finally pregnant myself with Nicholas I saw the jealousy in others sometimes. Brad and I once went to see Sara, our IVF nurse, to show her our 20 week ultrasound pics as the IVF clinic was in the same building as the ultrasound clinic. I walked in and I felt the eyes of all the women waiting in that reception area boring into me with so much yearning. I felt really terrible for going because I remembered how when I was in their position a pregnant woman in my vicinity was very hard to deal with. I came home that day and cried both for how lucky I was and how unlucky they were - the same as how I once had been unlucky too. Unlucky to be "infertile", unlucky to be still waiting for a miracle, unlucky to have their baby making experience - something that should be beautiful and natural - marred by clinical jargon, blood tests, doctors visits and timed sex.

I felt such relief after having Nickie that that jealousy would be something I could say goodbye to...or so I thought. I can't remember if I have said this already but my sister in law, Rhea (Brad's sister) is pregnant after having a miscarriage last year. I don't want anyone to think I don't wish her well because I do. I am so incredibly thrilled for both her and her husband Paul. They are a wonderful couple who will make this lucky baby a fabulous set of parents. Both Brad and I were devastated when they lost their baby last year and we were all dying to hear the wonderful news that they had been blessed with another pregnancy. But I was listening to Rhea talk to me on the phone today about how tired she was and how she was trying to hold out until 12 weeks to buy something for the baby and I felt a feeling which made me stop in my tracks. I realised it was jealousy! I spoke to Brad about it later because I felt absolutely terrible for feeling even a hint of jealousy when my little precious miracle boy was wrapped up safely sleeping in his cot.

I guess it's just the fact, not that I am desperately feeling like I "need" to be pregnant again right now, but that I want the choice. I guess I feel resentful that I don't actually have that choice and I'm jealous of those who do. Not that I wish them any harm or wish they weren't pregnant, I just wish I could join their club! I wish I knew for sure that there was a brother or sister in store for Nickie and another pregnancy and birth in my future.