Sorry guys

This is a really quick one to let you all know I am finding it a bit hard to write at the moment. I don't really know why as nothing specific has happened but am just going through a bit of a rough patch. Please know I am reading all your blogs and I look forward to writing some more soon when things pick up.

Gone but not forgotten

This title describes a lot of things in my life so far. I'm reminded as I approach Nickie's 1st birthday on Saturday, of what I was doing this time last year. I was in hospital feeling pretty sick, awaiting the arrival of my much anticipated baby boy. As I reflect on that time of my life, despite the fact that I was sick and (at the time) pretty miserable due to vomitting about 1200 times a day, when I look back now I feel nothing but joy. I am so blessed to be one of the lucky ones who fought the tough battle of infertility and won. I am blown away by how great God is when I think of how special Nickie is and how he has become such a huge part of both Brad and my life. Everytime he smiles or laughs or cuddles into me I thank God. Whenever there is a special occassion like Christmas or a birthday and I realise he is here to share it with us, again I praise God. I remember all the funny cravings I had while pregnant, the baths I used to take that would make Nickie kick so my whole belly wobbled. I remember lying in bed in hospital the night before Nickie was born. His foot was digging right into the side of my belly and I put my hand down to touch it and could feel each individual toe. I feel so honoured to be the mother of such a miracle. Those precious days seem so long gone now as my boy prepares to turn one, yet they are still so fresh in my mind and will never be forgotten.

As I think about the arrival of Nickie, I am reminded of my other little baby who I never got to meet. This baby is still just as special to me and I still feel just as honoured to be his or her mother. I can't help but feel sad at the thought that had I not lost this baby, I would be anxiously awaiting its arrival this coming March and experiencing so many of the magical moments of pregnancy (and probably the not so magical ones!) for a second time. I do my best to focus on the small blessings though. There are many things in our lives that are happening now which would not be happening if I were pregnant. Brad is so happy right now - the happiest I have seen him for a long time - with his career change. We are finally getting ahead in our finances after spending so much of our resources on medical treatments. I am just starting to get past the yearning and the hoping every month that my period won't show up and am trying to move forward with a sense of acceptance that we may have reached life after TTC. I haven't fully got there but it's getting easier. Brad came out with a comment over Christmas that he would love to have another child with me one day so maybe if we couldn't do it "the old fashioned way" would I like to adopt or foster a child? This is a complete turn around for him as he had always been dead against that for different reasons. So there is hope for us in the future being parents again. It is not something I am ready to look into now however. I know whatever happens though, the little baby who appears gone will in fact always be with me. I will always miss it and always love it and always wish it were here with me.

Lastly there is my struggle with infertility. My new year's resolution was to embrace life and try new things so I decided to take a small step and join a pilates class. I have always wanted to do it and have always chickened out. I start in February. It was this small step which made me suddenly realise just how much I have let infertility hold me back in life. I never realised how much it has dented my confidence and my self esteem, and how much this has overflowed and tarnished other areas of my life. From tiny things like not having the courage to try pilates all the way to big things like doubting my ability as a mother and a wife. I am sick of being afraid. I guess when we go through infertility we learn to be afraid and we learn that fear is a way of life. We take the good and learn to look for the downside. I realise I have gotten too used to doing this. I guess old habits die hard and once the infertile label is lifted, while that label is gone, we find it hard to "forget to be afraid". I have decided I don't want to be "infertile" anymore and I am going to stop thinking of myself as such. Instead I will think of myself as Nickie's mother and Brad's wife: one completely lucky woman who takes pilates classes!

Happy New Year and a few more things...

Hello 2010! It's a brand new year which is making me think about resolutions and fresh starts. To top it of we had something very sad happen at work. We came back yesterday for the Xmas/New year break to find that a man we worked with passed away over the holiday period. He was not actually a work colleague, but we deal with alot of external companies on the phone and he was someone we would speak to constantly on the phone from one of those organisations. Even though we knew him we didn't really "know" him but he was just someone that was always there on the other end of that phone so it feels very sad to know that he died. He was only 41 and apparently quite fit. He was driving his car on New Years Eve and had a massive heart attack while behind the wheel. He was alone in the car, the vehicle drifted off the road and into a ditch and the man driving behind him happened to be a doctor so he pulled over to see what was going on and try to help but he had already passed away. I feel very sorry for his family for whom the incident must have come as a total shock.

This just goes to show that life is short and we don't know when it will end. We need to make each second count. My resolution this year is to do that - to really embrace my opportunities and try new things, and to be thankful for what I have and try not to worry so much about what I don't. I am also going to try to put more trust in God. I guess from our IVF days we are so used to trying to take control. Go to this doctor, try that treatment, if that doesn't work go to this doctor etc. Now it has kind of carried over into my whole life and I try and control every problem. I need to trust that God has got it covered and fully give those problems that pop up straight over to Him and trust that He knows the answers. That's the plan anyway. So here goes for 2010! May it be a wonderful year for us all.

Nickie's first birthday is fast approaching on the 16th of Jan and I can't believe my baby boy is nearly one year old. We are planning a little lunch for him on that day just with close family as he only recently had his Naming Day in October so we have exhausted all party funds haha. The fact he is "growing up"is making me reflect on the beautiful time we have spent together this year. From the first few days when he made his appearance as this little person full of sleep, to the spunky little individual he is now. It makes me very proud. I feel so very blessed that what feels like so long ago, that little embryo held on and became our son, and we have so many wonderful years stretching ahead of us to spend together and enjoy him. Thankyou God! I am so grateful he is in our lives today.

My 27th birthday is sneaking up too - four days after Nickie's on the 20th of Jan. But we won't talk about that haha. In all seriousness though I am looking forward to it. Last year I was in hospital after having Nickie, which of course was a wonderful thing except for the "being in hospital on your birthday" part. Brad has a few plans for the day this year, judging from the sly phone calls he has been making. I am really looking forward to it.

Lastly I have been thinking a lot lately about ending this blog and starting up a new private one so that I don't have to be so discreet about myself. I can use our real names and show you photos etc. It's just a thought it's not set in stone and I of course will give you all access to it. I know I am open about the fact that the names I use are not our real ones, but it still seems dishonest in some ways but unfortuneately is necessary if my blog is public because of the situation with my sister. Can I please get your thoughts on this so I can get an idea with if it will work? The only thing which prevents me from being totally enthusiastic about the private blog idea is the fact that I feel so blessed to meet you all and I wonder if making it private would close the door to meeting other friends in the future. Hmmm

Take care everyone and Happy New Year!