Gone but not forgotten

This title describes a lot of things in my life so far. I'm reminded as I approach Nickie's 1st birthday on Saturday, of what I was doing this time last year. I was in hospital feeling pretty sick, awaiting the arrival of my much anticipated baby boy. As I reflect on that time of my life, despite the fact that I was sick and (at the time) pretty miserable due to vomitting about 1200 times a day, when I look back now I feel nothing but joy. I am so blessed to be one of the lucky ones who fought the tough battle of infertility and won. I am blown away by how great God is when I think of how special Nickie is and how he has become such a huge part of both Brad and my life. Everytime he smiles or laughs or cuddles into me I thank God. Whenever there is a special occassion like Christmas or a birthday and I realise he is here to share it with us, again I praise God. I remember all the funny cravings I had while pregnant, the baths I used to take that would make Nickie kick so my whole belly wobbled. I remember lying in bed in hospital the night before Nickie was born. His foot was digging right into the side of my belly and I put my hand down to touch it and could feel each individual toe. I feel so honoured to be the mother of such a miracle. Those precious days seem so long gone now as my boy prepares to turn one, yet they are still so fresh in my mind and will never be forgotten.

As I think about the arrival of Nickie, I am reminded of my other little baby who I never got to meet. This baby is still just as special to me and I still feel just as honoured to be his or her mother. I can't help but feel sad at the thought that had I not lost this baby, I would be anxiously awaiting its arrival this coming March and experiencing so many of the magical moments of pregnancy (and probably the not so magical ones!) for a second time. I do my best to focus on the small blessings though. There are many things in our lives that are happening now which would not be happening if I were pregnant. Brad is so happy right now - the happiest I have seen him for a long time - with his career change. We are finally getting ahead in our finances after spending so much of our resources on medical treatments. I am just starting to get past the yearning and the hoping every month that my period won't show up and am trying to move forward with a sense of acceptance that we may have reached life after TTC. I haven't fully got there but it's getting easier. Brad came out with a comment over Christmas that he would love to have another child with me one day so maybe if we couldn't do it "the old fashioned way" would I like to adopt or foster a child? This is a complete turn around for him as he had always been dead against that for different reasons. So there is hope for us in the future being parents again. It is not something I am ready to look into now however. I know whatever happens though, the little baby who appears gone will in fact always be with me. I will always miss it and always love it and always wish it were here with me.

Lastly there is my struggle with infertility. My new year's resolution was to embrace life and try new things so I decided to take a small step and join a pilates class. I have always wanted to do it and have always chickened out. I start in February. It was this small step which made me suddenly realise just how much I have let infertility hold me back in life. I never realised how much it has dented my confidence and my self esteem, and how much this has overflowed and tarnished other areas of my life. From tiny things like not having the courage to try pilates all the way to big things like doubting my ability as a mother and a wife. I am sick of being afraid. I guess when we go through infertility we learn to be afraid and we learn that fear is a way of life. We take the good and learn to look for the downside. I realise I have gotten too used to doing this. I guess old habits die hard and once the infertile label is lifted, while that label is gone, we find it hard to "forget to be afraid". I have decided I don't want to be "infertile" anymore and I am going to stop thinking of myself as such. Instead I will think of myself as Nickie's mother and Brad's wife: one completely lucky woman who takes pilates classes!