I'm finding the waiting part of this really hard, it is like being stuck in no man's land. I have done several more home pregnancy tests - all positive - but i don't know what is wrong with me because instead of happiness all I feel is fear. Something is stopping me from believing that this could be real and I have spent the last few days convincing myself that the blood tests in two days won't be good news. Somebody slap me please!!! Things are looking GOOD here!! Why am I trying to believe the worst? Maybe it's just my defences are up since it took us so long to concieve Nickie, the disappointments along the way are still fresh in our minds so we are both trying to play it down until we have absolute certainty. I'm sure if these tests go to plan on Tuesday I will be singing a completely different tune. Hopefully!!!
Brad did his absolute best to make the weekend nice and distracting for me. Today he made me Mexican food for lunch and went and rented two movies. Nickie fell asleep and went to have his afternoon sleep just as Brad arrived with the lunch ingredients and the movies and we ate nachos on our laps in front of "Changeling" which was really good but really sad and then the movie finished and the credits started coming up and Nickie woke up right at that moment. It was a nice afternoon. The other movie he rented was "Marley and Me" and we plan to watch that one tonight after Nickie goes to bed and eat the ice cream Brad also purchased haha. Guilty pleasures huh?? Gotta love that.
Sorry this is a short one tonight I'm very tired and have a thousand thoughts swirling in my head confusing me. Lots of love to all and keep your fingers crossed.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
A beautiful and unexpected gift
Hi everyone. I have been so excited to read about all of your milestones. Kami is doing great with the twins and has given such a beautiful gift to Tammy in the form of donating her embryos. That touched my heart so much, you have to know. As I have been in the IVF game for a while now and have had my own frozen embryos or "snowbabies" as we like to call them, it really tugged at the heart strings how generous Kami is being in donating hers to a friend. I can only imagine how Tammy must be feeling right now: shocked and in awe and on cloud 9 all at the same time I'm sure. How amazing!
And I was so pleased to hear of Dianne's success with her egg retrieval surgery and I have every body part that is available for me to cross, tightly crossed right now for the embryo transfer. Hold on little babies!! You can do it!!! Good luck Dianne!
Well speaking of milestones and beautiful gifts, I got one myself yesterday. It was in the form of a positive home pregnancy test!!!! Woo hoo!!! I have been in shock and disbelief since taking the test and therefore haven't posted about it until now. I am quite reserved about it even now because I don't want to get my hopes up till my blood test next week, but things are definitely looking pretty "positive" so to speak! haha
I am such an addict when it comes to peeing on a stick. Last IVF cycle (Nickie's cycle) I was a very good girl and was not even tempted. I was very scared to get a negative and have all my hopes dashed that I put off getting my results as long as I could. I really never dreamed it would be a positive, to me negative was the only result I knew. But this cycle curiosity has gotten the better of me, mainly because I have been pregnant before and therefore I have been on "symptom watch" since the transfer as I know what to look out for. I have to say for the past few days I have felt pretty pregnant. I have felt crampy and heavy with a very aching chest and I have been saying to Brad "if I didn't know better I'd swear I was pregnant. I'd love to get a test and find out." and he has been telling me off for being impatient and telling me to wait for my blood test. Then Monday night I had a dream. One of the things I remember about pregnancy is having stupid vivid dreams which all the books say is due to hormones. In my dream both my sister and I were pregnant and we somehow ended up in the same hospital room having our babies. Hers came out perfect and mine came out with no hands. The nurse was trying to switch them on me saying that I deserved the "good baby" and I was screaming and crying and telling her I wanted my own baby because I loved it, missing hands and all! I woke up in a cold sweat and as stupid as it sounds that's what made me cave in and buy a test.
You would have laughed at Nickie and I at the supermarket checkout line. Here I was with a 5 month old baby in a stroller and a pregnancy test in my hand. The line was long and when I got to the end of it the girl on the checkout was kind of trying to be all secretive and discreet about my purchase. She meant well but it only drew more attention to us. It was pretty funny because a few people looked at us and I could tell what was going through their heads and I was laughing to myself thinking "if you all only knew the truth!" haha
I got home with my test and put Nickie in his baby swing where he played happily and ran off to the bathroom to see what awaited me. Within about 3 minutes up came that beautiful second pink line. I spent 10 min standing there just grinning at the test in shock. Then I put the test in the bathroom cupboard and went and fed Nickie, played a few games with him and then put him down for his afternoon nap. After Nickie went to sleep and I didn't have him to distract me anymore, the afternoon passed by in a blur of me trying to do housework in between going back to the bathroom to look at the test again in case the line had disappeared! Sure enough there it still was every time I looked.
Brad was in shock when he got home and I showed him the test, and bless him he didn't even tell me off for buying it! He then almost knocked me for six when he wanted to get back in his car and drive to the supermarket to get another test in another brand, just so we could make sure! Can you tell we have had a few disappointments during our time on this road? haha Anyway so Brad gets back with another test and that one comes up positive too!
So basically we are both in a state of limbo between being delirious with excitement and being sure it can't be happening to us. We are cautiously happy and will remain that way until the blood test results on Tuesday. I don't want to get ahead of ourselves and then be disappointed if it doesn't work out. Deep down I know it must be true as we have done two tests with the same results and there is nothing that could have interfered with the test as I had a frozen embryo transfer and am only on progesterone supplements to support a potential pregnancy as well as Progynova tablets which are estrogen. None of these medications can cause a false positive as they do not contain HCG. I have not had to have a HCG injection this cycle like I did in my stimulated cycle. But at the moment it feels like I am watching it happen to someone else in a movie or something. It won't seem real till I get my blood test so I don't want to write too much about how I'm feeling at this stage, until everything is for sure. But fingers crossed, Nickie might be a big brother soon!
And I was so pleased to hear of Dianne's success with her egg retrieval surgery and I have every body part that is available for me to cross, tightly crossed right now for the embryo transfer. Hold on little babies!! You can do it!!! Good luck Dianne!
Well speaking of milestones and beautiful gifts, I got one myself yesterday. It was in the form of a positive home pregnancy test!!!! Woo hoo!!! I have been in shock and disbelief since taking the test and therefore haven't posted about it until now. I am quite reserved about it even now because I don't want to get my hopes up till my blood test next week, but things are definitely looking pretty "positive" so to speak! haha
I am such an addict when it comes to peeing on a stick. Last IVF cycle (Nickie's cycle) I was a very good girl and was not even tempted. I was very scared to get a negative and have all my hopes dashed that I put off getting my results as long as I could. I really never dreamed it would be a positive, to me negative was the only result I knew. But this cycle curiosity has gotten the better of me, mainly because I have been pregnant before and therefore I have been on "symptom watch" since the transfer as I know what to look out for. I have to say for the past few days I have felt pretty pregnant. I have felt crampy and heavy with a very aching chest and I have been saying to Brad "if I didn't know better I'd swear I was pregnant. I'd love to get a test and find out." and he has been telling me off for being impatient and telling me to wait for my blood test. Then Monday night I had a dream. One of the things I remember about pregnancy is having stupid vivid dreams which all the books say is due to hormones. In my dream both my sister and I were pregnant and we somehow ended up in the same hospital room having our babies. Hers came out perfect and mine came out with no hands. The nurse was trying to switch them on me saying that I deserved the "good baby" and I was screaming and crying and telling her I wanted my own baby because I loved it, missing hands and all! I woke up in a cold sweat and as stupid as it sounds that's what made me cave in and buy a test.
You would have laughed at Nickie and I at the supermarket checkout line. Here I was with a 5 month old baby in a stroller and a pregnancy test in my hand. The line was long and when I got to the end of it the girl on the checkout was kind of trying to be all secretive and discreet about my purchase. She meant well but it only drew more attention to us. It was pretty funny because a few people looked at us and I could tell what was going through their heads and I was laughing to myself thinking "if you all only knew the truth!" haha
I got home with my test and put Nickie in his baby swing where he played happily and ran off to the bathroom to see what awaited me. Within about 3 minutes up came that beautiful second pink line. I spent 10 min standing there just grinning at the test in shock. Then I put the test in the bathroom cupboard and went and fed Nickie, played a few games with him and then put him down for his afternoon nap. After Nickie went to sleep and I didn't have him to distract me anymore, the afternoon passed by in a blur of me trying to do housework in between going back to the bathroom to look at the test again in case the line had disappeared! Sure enough there it still was every time I looked.
Brad was in shock when he got home and I showed him the test, and bless him he didn't even tell me off for buying it! He then almost knocked me for six when he wanted to get back in his car and drive to the supermarket to get another test in another brand, just so we could make sure! Can you tell we have had a few disappointments during our time on this road? haha Anyway so Brad gets back with another test and that one comes up positive too!
So basically we are both in a state of limbo between being delirious with excitement and being sure it can't be happening to us. We are cautiously happy and will remain that way until the blood test results on Tuesday. I don't want to get ahead of ourselves and then be disappointed if it doesn't work out. Deep down I know it must be true as we have done two tests with the same results and there is nothing that could have interfered with the test as I had a frozen embryo transfer and am only on progesterone supplements to support a potential pregnancy as well as Progynova tablets which are estrogen. None of these medications can cause a false positive as they do not contain HCG. I have not had to have a HCG injection this cycle like I did in my stimulated cycle. But at the moment it feels like I am watching it happen to someone else in a movie or something. It won't seem real till I get my blood test so I don't want to write too much about how I'm feeling at this stage, until everything is for sure. But fingers crossed, Nickie might be a big brother soon!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Ain't that a kick in the head?
Sorry guys for my delay in writing, we got a virus on the computer (must have been swine flu) and it has been out of action until yesterday when my brother in law Paul kindly came and rescued it. It worked out well because Rhea was here already baby sitting Nickie so we all ended up having dinner together and then Rhea and Paul were able to go home together.
Yesterday was embryo transfer day. I got up early and went and had some acupuncture and then Brad and I went together to the clinic to have the transfer. The embryo thawed beautifully so we were both relieved and thankful. The procedure had a minor hiccup though but all went well in the end. You see the embryo itself is microscopic so you can't see it with the naked eye. A catheter tube containing the embryo and some fluid is inserted into the cervix and the fluid is flushed through in the hope that the embryo will go along with the fluid out of the tube and into the uterus. After they flush the tube the lab technician quickly looks at it under a microscope to make sure the embryo has definitely left the tube as you wouldn't know by looking with the naked eye. When they checked our tube the embryo hadn't left it, and so the process had to be repeated. They checked it the second time and it was all clear, so in the end it got there, but it was a bit nerve wracking at the time. The doctor was quick to assure us that this does not affect the embryo in any way and it does happen quite a lot. He said if anything it is a positive sign because it means the embryo is strong and sticky! Here's hoping.
I went and did a second session of acupuncture for after the transfer to help the embryo implant and strengthen the uterus lining. This is what I did when we did the embryo tranfer that ended up being Nickie and obviously it worked well so we thought we would do everything the same. Then home we went and I spent most of the rest of the day resting on the couch.
Rhea came to babysit Nickie and she did an absolutely fabulous job. She was very nervous to start she said, but she soon worked things out and we arrived home to find her on the couch having a cup of tea and Nickie was fast asleep in bed! She said it was a great idea to have a practice run and she now feels really good about motherhood! haha
Ok so here is the big piece of news that has prompted today's post title. I can't believe what I wrote in my last post regarding my sister, because Mum rang last night to inform me that she is pregnant. This just goes to show how well I know her thoughts and what she is like. I just so didn't need to hear news like that. After spending my day at an IVF clinic, I didn't need to hear that my sister who treats her children like they are an inconvenience, and who can't even look after her own life, let alone her children's has been blessed with yet another child, while Brad and I who are perfectly capable and I feel deserving, and we would be so appreciative of being able to have more children, well we might not be able to. What are you doing, God????? I wish I knew. He must have some amazing reason but I just wish I knew what it was. It is just feeling like a complete slap in the face right now.
Well I better go as I am writing this at work in between doing some accounts haha.
Love to all, have a wonderful weekend! By the way I just realised I forgot to say, pregnancy test day is June 30. We shall see!!!
Yesterday was embryo transfer day. I got up early and went and had some acupuncture and then Brad and I went together to the clinic to have the transfer. The embryo thawed beautifully so we were both relieved and thankful. The procedure had a minor hiccup though but all went well in the end. You see the embryo itself is microscopic so you can't see it with the naked eye. A catheter tube containing the embryo and some fluid is inserted into the cervix and the fluid is flushed through in the hope that the embryo will go along with the fluid out of the tube and into the uterus. After they flush the tube the lab technician quickly looks at it under a microscope to make sure the embryo has definitely left the tube as you wouldn't know by looking with the naked eye. When they checked our tube the embryo hadn't left it, and so the process had to be repeated. They checked it the second time and it was all clear, so in the end it got there, but it was a bit nerve wracking at the time. The doctor was quick to assure us that this does not affect the embryo in any way and it does happen quite a lot. He said if anything it is a positive sign because it means the embryo is strong and sticky! Here's hoping.
I went and did a second session of acupuncture for after the transfer to help the embryo implant and strengthen the uterus lining. This is what I did when we did the embryo tranfer that ended up being Nickie and obviously it worked well so we thought we would do everything the same. Then home we went and I spent most of the rest of the day resting on the couch.
Rhea came to babysit Nickie and she did an absolutely fabulous job. She was very nervous to start she said, but she soon worked things out and we arrived home to find her on the couch having a cup of tea and Nickie was fast asleep in bed! She said it was a great idea to have a practice run and she now feels really good about motherhood! haha
Ok so here is the big piece of news that has prompted today's post title. I can't believe what I wrote in my last post regarding my sister, because Mum rang last night to inform me that she is pregnant. This just goes to show how well I know her thoughts and what she is like. I just so didn't need to hear news like that. After spending my day at an IVF clinic, I didn't need to hear that my sister who treats her children like they are an inconvenience, and who can't even look after her own life, let alone her children's has been blessed with yet another child, while Brad and I who are perfectly capable and I feel deserving, and we would be so appreciative of being able to have more children, well we might not be able to. What are you doing, God????? I wish I knew. He must have some amazing reason but I just wish I knew what it was. It is just feeling like a complete slap in the face right now.
Well I better go as I am writing this at work in between doing some accounts haha.
Love to all, have a wonderful weekend! By the way I just realised I forgot to say, pregnancy test day is June 30. We shall see!!!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Ouch!
Guess what happened to me this week? I was all excited about the fact that my IVF was not going to interfere with my work in any way. I work Mondays and Fridays and because of my specialist appointments and then a tough pregnancy (I had morning sickness the whole way through and not just mildly. My record for throwing up was 17 times in one day. Then towards the end of the pregnancy I was put in hospital for high blood pressure) I have had my fair share of time off in the last couple of years so I avoid sick days now when I can. The last week I have had a little bit of pain in what I thought was one of my teeth. But it was only slight pain and it came and went every now and then. Sometimes you get a bit of soreness in your teeth and it goes away after a few days so I assumed this would be no different. Anyway on Sunday it was actually getting quite sore but still not terrible so I thought I will see what happens. Monday morning I wake up for work and I kid you not one side of my mouth had just swelled up and was extremely sore and one particular tooth (the same one that had been bothering me) was just excruciating. So I ring up work and call in sick and get myself to the dentist.
I was terrified to go because not to brag but I actually have really fantastic teeth. I think it's genetic because I honestly have not paid special attention to them other than obviously I do brush them! But I don't floss, I don't go to the dentist regularly and yet the are straight, very white and I have never even had a hole in one of them or anything. I am touching wood as I say this! Consequently I have never had to have any dental work done and have no idea what to expect in that regard so I was shaking in my boots at the thought of going to the dentist. I had thoughts of drills and pliers as I was driving there and when I walked in the dentist introduced himself (I hadn't been to a dentist in longer than I can remember so I had to find one in the phone book) and looks at me and asks me am I all right? I said to him that I was just really really scared and he laughed.
The dentist had a look in my mouth and said "oooh I can see why you are in pain, it's very swollen and there is a particular area where your gum is swollen like a big round ball." It turned out that it wasn't my tooth after all, it was my gums. Apparently I have a wisdom tooth that is sitting under the gum at the back that never came up because it hasn't got the room. The edge of it overlaps so it sits a little bit underneath my back tooth. The dentist said the wisdom tooth has shifted a bit under the gum, split the gum and caused a big infection. Where as I thought the problem was the back tooth it was actually the gum under the back tooth and next to it that was hurting. So I got out of the visit with a teeth cleaning and a course of antibiotics.
I get home and suddenly it occurs to me that I am on IVF medication and am about to do an embryo transfer in two days. I was so caught up in fear about the dentist that I didn't even think about it. So I ring my nurse thinking "oh my God!" because obviously I can't not take the antibiotics with my mouth in the state that it was in, so if it was a problem then I knew we would have to cancel the embryo transfer. As it turned out, the antibiotics are not an issue at all. They are perfectly safe for both IVF and pregnancy. So we are all systems go still, but boy it gave me a scare!
My mouth is looking and feeling much better today and the dentist says that I shouldn't need to get the naughty wisdom tooth extracted unless the problem happens again. Here's hoping it behaves itself and stays in the one spot from now on. I am still a bit sore and having to chew food on the "good side" of my mouth but much better than yesterday.
Moving on from dental issues......
Nickie's "rolling over update" is that he can now roll over from tummy to back and is quite pleased with himself! Back to tummy he is trying really hard and is making progress but is not quite there yet.
Rhea (who is 15 weeks pregnant on Friday - YIPPEE!!) is babysitting Nickie for the first time ever on her own on Thursday because obviously Mummy and Daddy are off to the doctors to try to make a baby! She is very excited but also very nervous. I'm sure she will do a great job. Nickie and her absolutely love each other so I think they will both end up having a wonderful time.
Next - don't think I am a loser - I am so excited because my Mum bought me a slow cooker yesterday. A friend of mine at work has one and often talks about how handy they are for the days when you have to go to work because you can just put the food in it, turn it on and it's ready when you get home. They are quite popular over here in AUS at the moment, you know how different cooking appliances go through stage of popularity? First it was the George Foreman griller, then it was something else, well now it's the slow cooker. Mum and I were chatting the other day and I mentioned to her that I was wanting to get one and she showed up at my house yesterday with one in her arms! She is always doing neat things like that for me, she's awesome! I spent my trip to the supermarket last night buying new foods to cook in my slow cooker. I'm so excited to see what culinary delights I can whip up! You guys might see me on Master Chef next week! haha
Lastly is un update about my sister. She really is so mixed up. I must do a post about her at some stage to explain what went on between us as I know I have been very cryptic so far but the story is so so long and sad. Anyway she is living in a housing commision house quite a long way away at the moment. I don't know what the equivalent of "housing commision" is for those of you that live in the States etc is. Government housing? Welfare housing? Anyway the ink is barely dry on the divorce papers that her husband recently served on her and she calls my parents the other day to inform them that she engaged to a guy she met that lives a few houses away from her. How long has she known him? 4 weeks! I am trying not to think about it too much because I have better things to worry about. The whole reason for cutting her out of my life was the stress that her antics were putting on me and so I guess this just proves that point. But she already has two very mixed up kids from her marriage. I love them as my nephew and niece of course, but in reality they are undisciplined kids who run riot, do what they want and throw tantrums when they don't get what they want. They are living with their father presently and are very confused about their lives. I think their father must bad mouth my sister terribly. I don't blame him for feeling that way about her as I am not far off it myself, but you don't do it in front of the kids. My niece phoned me yesterday out of the blue (she is nine) and proceeds to tell me "guess what I live at my dad's now, because mum's a deadbeat loser. She's such a cow. The school she had me in over near her was lousy too....etc" those are an exact quote of her exact words. What nine year old kid knows those phrases?
So basically the reason I am worried is because I couldn't care less what she does with her own life. Get married to five different guys if you want to, I'm really not concerned. But she has two kids out there who she doesn't take care of and who are very mixed up because of all the antics and dramas that go on in the world that she has created for them. I just pray she doesn't bring anymore children into the mess with her new husband. That sounds awful I know, but babies are no different to pets for her. They are a novelty that she gets the idea she wants them one day and then when they start to become hard work, she is sorry she wanted them. It makes me wonder what God's plan is when people like her have kids they don't want, and here I am and I would desperately love more kids and it might not happen. I'm going to have to trust God knows best and accept that I will never understand the reasons behind His thinking.
Well I have got that off my chest, I better sign off now and start chilling out. Nickie is fast asleep and should be for another hour or so, so I think Mummy needs to relax, take a beat and have some coffee.
Lots of love to all.
I was terrified to go because not to brag but I actually have really fantastic teeth. I think it's genetic because I honestly have not paid special attention to them other than obviously I do brush them! But I don't floss, I don't go to the dentist regularly and yet the are straight, very white and I have never even had a hole in one of them or anything. I am touching wood as I say this! Consequently I have never had to have any dental work done and have no idea what to expect in that regard so I was shaking in my boots at the thought of going to the dentist. I had thoughts of drills and pliers as I was driving there and when I walked in the dentist introduced himself (I hadn't been to a dentist in longer than I can remember so I had to find one in the phone book) and looks at me and asks me am I all right? I said to him that I was just really really scared and he laughed.
The dentist had a look in my mouth and said "oooh I can see why you are in pain, it's very swollen and there is a particular area where your gum is swollen like a big round ball." It turned out that it wasn't my tooth after all, it was my gums. Apparently I have a wisdom tooth that is sitting under the gum at the back that never came up because it hasn't got the room. The edge of it overlaps so it sits a little bit underneath my back tooth. The dentist said the wisdom tooth has shifted a bit under the gum, split the gum and caused a big infection. Where as I thought the problem was the back tooth it was actually the gum under the back tooth and next to it that was hurting. So I got out of the visit with a teeth cleaning and a course of antibiotics.
I get home and suddenly it occurs to me that I am on IVF medication and am about to do an embryo transfer in two days. I was so caught up in fear about the dentist that I didn't even think about it. So I ring my nurse thinking "oh my God!" because obviously I can't not take the antibiotics with my mouth in the state that it was in, so if it was a problem then I knew we would have to cancel the embryo transfer. As it turned out, the antibiotics are not an issue at all. They are perfectly safe for both IVF and pregnancy. So we are all systems go still, but boy it gave me a scare!
My mouth is looking and feeling much better today and the dentist says that I shouldn't need to get the naughty wisdom tooth extracted unless the problem happens again. Here's hoping it behaves itself and stays in the one spot from now on. I am still a bit sore and having to chew food on the "good side" of my mouth but much better than yesterday.
Moving on from dental issues......
Nickie's "rolling over update" is that he can now roll over from tummy to back and is quite pleased with himself! Back to tummy he is trying really hard and is making progress but is not quite there yet.
Rhea (who is 15 weeks pregnant on Friday - YIPPEE!!) is babysitting Nickie for the first time ever on her own on Thursday because obviously Mummy and Daddy are off to the doctors to try to make a baby! She is very excited but also very nervous. I'm sure she will do a great job. Nickie and her absolutely love each other so I think they will both end up having a wonderful time.
Next - don't think I am a loser - I am so excited because my Mum bought me a slow cooker yesterday. A friend of mine at work has one and often talks about how handy they are for the days when you have to go to work because you can just put the food in it, turn it on and it's ready when you get home. They are quite popular over here in AUS at the moment, you know how different cooking appliances go through stage of popularity? First it was the George Foreman griller, then it was something else, well now it's the slow cooker. Mum and I were chatting the other day and I mentioned to her that I was wanting to get one and she showed up at my house yesterday with one in her arms! She is always doing neat things like that for me, she's awesome! I spent my trip to the supermarket last night buying new foods to cook in my slow cooker. I'm so excited to see what culinary delights I can whip up! You guys might see me on Master Chef next week! haha
Lastly is un update about my sister. She really is so mixed up. I must do a post about her at some stage to explain what went on between us as I know I have been very cryptic so far but the story is so so long and sad. Anyway she is living in a housing commision house quite a long way away at the moment. I don't know what the equivalent of "housing commision" is for those of you that live in the States etc is. Government housing? Welfare housing? Anyway the ink is barely dry on the divorce papers that her husband recently served on her and she calls my parents the other day to inform them that she engaged to a guy she met that lives a few houses away from her. How long has she known him? 4 weeks! I am trying not to think about it too much because I have better things to worry about. The whole reason for cutting her out of my life was the stress that her antics were putting on me and so I guess this just proves that point. But she already has two very mixed up kids from her marriage. I love them as my nephew and niece of course, but in reality they are undisciplined kids who run riot, do what they want and throw tantrums when they don't get what they want. They are living with their father presently and are very confused about their lives. I think their father must bad mouth my sister terribly. I don't blame him for feeling that way about her as I am not far off it myself, but you don't do it in front of the kids. My niece phoned me yesterday out of the blue (she is nine) and proceeds to tell me "guess what I live at my dad's now, because mum's a deadbeat loser. She's such a cow. The school she had me in over near her was lousy too....etc" those are an exact quote of her exact words. What nine year old kid knows those phrases?
So basically the reason I am worried is because I couldn't care less what she does with her own life. Get married to five different guys if you want to, I'm really not concerned. But she has two kids out there who she doesn't take care of and who are very mixed up because of all the antics and dramas that go on in the world that she has created for them. I just pray she doesn't bring anymore children into the mess with her new husband. That sounds awful I know, but babies are no different to pets for her. They are a novelty that she gets the idea she wants them one day and then when they start to become hard work, she is sorry she wanted them. It makes me wonder what God's plan is when people like her have kids they don't want, and here I am and I would desperately love more kids and it might not happen. I'm going to have to trust God knows best and accept that I will never understand the reasons behind His thinking.
Well I have got that off my chest, I better sign off now and start chilling out. Nickie is fast asleep and should be for another hour or so, so I think Mummy needs to relax, take a beat and have some coffee.
Lots of love to all.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
God stuff
This post is inspired by Tammy's post on her blog about serving God's purpose so thank you, Tammy. She has prompted me to write something that has been on my heart for oh so long. I can see that a lot of you out there in blog land are Christians and I really like reading your posts. But I can't help but feel a little bit of yearning at the fact that you all seem to know God so well. I wish I felt like that. I often feel like Christian's are like God's roomies - they know God well, they spend their days and nights with Him, He's their "buddy". Well you know how sometimes you might have a good friend who is friends with someone say at their work - you hear a lot of stories about them but because you don't work there too you have never actually met them? Well that's how I feel about my relationship with God. I hear the stories, I know He is there, every now and then I might even "bump into Him" so to speak. But we are not what I would call "buddies".
I didn't grow up in a "God house". My parents are "when you're dead, you're dead" people. My only dealings with God were through RE (religious education) in school. We had the most beautiful teacher, his name was Mr Beer, which of course we all thought was extremely funny. He was this sweet old man who was probably in his 60's or 70's. I was about 9 at the time so who knows if he is still around. I remember one lesson Mr Beer spoke about asking God into our hearts and how to do it. Everything he had said so far had really spoken to me, and this God guy sounded like he would be a pretty neat friend so I went home that night and did it. I lay in bed with my pj's on and the light off and said "God you can have my heart and my life. I believe that Jesus came into this world, sent by you as your son, and died for my sins on the cross."
The next lesson, I told Mr Beer what I had done and he was so excited. The next lesson after that he brought me a bible which he inscribed. I think I absolutely made his day. Ever since then I have always thought there was a God and I have always looked for Him. But I only read that bible a little bit before it became boring. I graduated from primary school and didn't see Mr Beer again and we never had RE in secondary school. My parents never spoke about God of course so I kind of forgot him. That is, until I found out about Brad and my fertility problems, and suddenly I really wanted to know where He was.
Before we started IVF, when we were just starting to piece together the pieces of the puzzle as to why we hadn't gotten pregnant and were realising what a long road we could possibly have ahead of us, a friend of mine invited me to come to her church. She often sings at the services there, and was singing this particular day. She said to me that it might make me feel better about a few things, to come to church and hear God's word, but that if I ended up hating it well at least i would hear some nice music. I took her up on it and went. I really really enjoyed it and went many more times. I saw baptisms on Good Friday which moved me to tears. I helped with different parts of the services at different times and really enjoyed participating. A lot of God's messages really spoke to me and I was eagar to learn more about Him.
Then we hit a bump in the road (or two or three) in the road of infertility and I stopped going. What was the point. Here I was working so hard to get to know God's plan for me, and God was not even breaking a sweat for me. Maybe he wasn't interested in me after all. Maybe he had better things to do. Or maybe worse still, this WAS God's plan for me: sadness, suffering, tears and no baby. Well i didn't like the sound of that. I would do it my own way.
Fast forward a couple of years and there Brad and I were about to do our embryo transfer. We had been through many disappointments with IVF and we had not even got to do an embryo transfer yet. During my stimulated cycle my ovaries had hyperstimulated and two days after the egg retrieval surgery when I started to feel sick beyond words, Brad called an ambulance and I spent a week in hospital being monitored as they determined that I had quite a serious case of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). They had retrieved 19 eggs during my surgery, 11 of which had fertilised and become healthy embryos. These embryos were to be frozen because I was too sick to proceed with an embryo transfer at that time. Unfortuneately in the attempt to grow the embryos to blastocyst stage (day 5 of their development, and the optimal age for transfer) 9 of the embryos died and we were left with only 2 to freeze after all that hard work and trauma.
The night before the transfer of embryo number 1, I really felt like a broken woman. I sat in our empty spare room without turning on the light. At that stage there was a bed and a bookcase in it, but for some reason I sat on the floor. I began to cry my heart out and to plead with God. I told Him I didn't understand Him and that I didn't think He had been there for me. I said that if He really did know me so well as He claimed to, then He would know that my heart is the heart of a mother. I told Him that tomorrow we would be having an embryo put in, and that I would give anything for it to "work" so that the embryo would implant and I could have a baby. Then my last statement is something which is constantly on my mind: "God," I said "if you let me have a baby, then I promise you I will make sure that the baby knows who you are."
Looking back on all of this now that Nickie is here I realise a lot of the things that I thought back then weren't true. If God didn't love me, if He wasn't interested in me, if He woke up every day and thought "ha ha let's see what we can throw at her now" as I believed He once did, then there is no way I would have such a perfect little son. Happy, healthy, but most importantly HERE. I don't know what God has tried to teach me. Maybe patience, maybe faith, maybe just to be appreciative. Maybe none of those things. But I do know this: all those times when I felt alone, and cut off from God, it was because I was. Not because He turned away from me though, because I turned from Him. He wasn't the one who was distancing himself from me, it was the other way round. If you or I did that to our best friend - ignored them and pretended they didn't exist or they were someone we didn't need in our lives then we would be pretty hurt and probably nobody could blame us for walking away and not looking back on the so-called friendship. Obviously though, as I am now learning, God isn't like that. I was a spoiled brat to Him. I called Him names, and I turned my back. He could have said to me "well fine then, you don't get anything from me, you don't deserve it" but He hung around waiting for me to get over myself and then He gave me the most beautiful little boy. I feel so guilty about that.
A few weeks after Nickie was born I took him to church. It was really hard because I felt bad being there. If I was God I would be like "hmm what does she want now? It's that b*tch again. How dare she show up here at my house." Because of that I haven't taken him back since. I really don't know how to get close to God again without being overcome by this guilt. It is something I would love to do, but it makes me feel like a hypocrite and I don't know where to start. I am especially scared coming into a second try at IVF because I feel like I didn't even deserve the first success let alone a second. I would love to make the commitment to Him that I made innocently as a little girl, but this time I would love to make it as a mature adult who has experienced God's grace first hand and who actually knows what the words she is saying actually mean with her whole heart. I would like to say those words and know what I am saying and to say them for the right reasons, not just because I am 9 years old and impressionable and wanting to do the right thing. But I have no idea where to start and am very confused about it.
So that is what is on my heart about God's purpose for me. Thanks for listening and thanks to Tammy for putting the challenge out there to say it.
Have a great day everyone!
I didn't grow up in a "God house". My parents are "when you're dead, you're dead" people. My only dealings with God were through RE (religious education) in school. We had the most beautiful teacher, his name was Mr Beer, which of course we all thought was extremely funny. He was this sweet old man who was probably in his 60's or 70's. I was about 9 at the time so who knows if he is still around. I remember one lesson Mr Beer spoke about asking God into our hearts and how to do it. Everything he had said so far had really spoken to me, and this God guy sounded like he would be a pretty neat friend so I went home that night and did it. I lay in bed with my pj's on and the light off and said "God you can have my heart and my life. I believe that Jesus came into this world, sent by you as your son, and died for my sins on the cross."
The next lesson, I told Mr Beer what I had done and he was so excited. The next lesson after that he brought me a bible which he inscribed. I think I absolutely made his day. Ever since then I have always thought there was a God and I have always looked for Him. But I only read that bible a little bit before it became boring. I graduated from primary school and didn't see Mr Beer again and we never had RE in secondary school. My parents never spoke about God of course so I kind of forgot him. That is, until I found out about Brad and my fertility problems, and suddenly I really wanted to know where He was.
Before we started IVF, when we were just starting to piece together the pieces of the puzzle as to why we hadn't gotten pregnant and were realising what a long road we could possibly have ahead of us, a friend of mine invited me to come to her church. She often sings at the services there, and was singing this particular day. She said to me that it might make me feel better about a few things, to come to church and hear God's word, but that if I ended up hating it well at least i would hear some nice music. I took her up on it and went. I really really enjoyed it and went many more times. I saw baptisms on Good Friday which moved me to tears. I helped with different parts of the services at different times and really enjoyed participating. A lot of God's messages really spoke to me and I was eagar to learn more about Him.
Then we hit a bump in the road (or two or three) in the road of infertility and I stopped going. What was the point. Here I was working so hard to get to know God's plan for me, and God was not even breaking a sweat for me. Maybe he wasn't interested in me after all. Maybe he had better things to do. Or maybe worse still, this WAS God's plan for me: sadness, suffering, tears and no baby. Well i didn't like the sound of that. I would do it my own way.
Fast forward a couple of years and there Brad and I were about to do our embryo transfer. We had been through many disappointments with IVF and we had not even got to do an embryo transfer yet. During my stimulated cycle my ovaries had hyperstimulated and two days after the egg retrieval surgery when I started to feel sick beyond words, Brad called an ambulance and I spent a week in hospital being monitored as they determined that I had quite a serious case of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). They had retrieved 19 eggs during my surgery, 11 of which had fertilised and become healthy embryos. These embryos were to be frozen because I was too sick to proceed with an embryo transfer at that time. Unfortuneately in the attempt to grow the embryos to blastocyst stage (day 5 of their development, and the optimal age for transfer) 9 of the embryos died and we were left with only 2 to freeze after all that hard work and trauma.
The night before the transfer of embryo number 1, I really felt like a broken woman. I sat in our empty spare room without turning on the light. At that stage there was a bed and a bookcase in it, but for some reason I sat on the floor. I began to cry my heart out and to plead with God. I told Him I didn't understand Him and that I didn't think He had been there for me. I said that if He really did know me so well as He claimed to, then He would know that my heart is the heart of a mother. I told Him that tomorrow we would be having an embryo put in, and that I would give anything for it to "work" so that the embryo would implant and I could have a baby. Then my last statement is something which is constantly on my mind: "God," I said "if you let me have a baby, then I promise you I will make sure that the baby knows who you are."
Looking back on all of this now that Nickie is here I realise a lot of the things that I thought back then weren't true. If God didn't love me, if He wasn't interested in me, if He woke up every day and thought "ha ha let's see what we can throw at her now" as I believed He once did, then there is no way I would have such a perfect little son. Happy, healthy, but most importantly HERE. I don't know what God has tried to teach me. Maybe patience, maybe faith, maybe just to be appreciative. Maybe none of those things. But I do know this: all those times when I felt alone, and cut off from God, it was because I was. Not because He turned away from me though, because I turned from Him. He wasn't the one who was distancing himself from me, it was the other way round. If you or I did that to our best friend - ignored them and pretended they didn't exist or they were someone we didn't need in our lives then we would be pretty hurt and probably nobody could blame us for walking away and not looking back on the so-called friendship. Obviously though, as I am now learning, God isn't like that. I was a spoiled brat to Him. I called Him names, and I turned my back. He could have said to me "well fine then, you don't get anything from me, you don't deserve it" but He hung around waiting for me to get over myself and then He gave me the most beautiful little boy. I feel so guilty about that.
A few weeks after Nickie was born I took him to church. It was really hard because I felt bad being there. If I was God I would be like "hmm what does she want now? It's that b*tch again. How dare she show up here at my house." Because of that I haven't taken him back since. I really don't know how to get close to God again without being overcome by this guilt. It is something I would love to do, but it makes me feel like a hypocrite and I don't know where to start. I am especially scared coming into a second try at IVF because I feel like I didn't even deserve the first success let alone a second. I would love to make the commitment to Him that I made innocently as a little girl, but this time I would love to make it as a mature adult who has experienced God's grace first hand and who actually knows what the words she is saying actually mean with her whole heart. I would like to say those words and know what I am saying and to say them for the right reasons, not just because I am 9 years old and impressionable and wanting to do the right thing. But I have no idea where to start and am very confused about it.
So that is what is on my heart about God's purpose for me. Thanks for listening and thanks to Tammy for putting the challenge out there to say it.
Have a great day everyone!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Ultrasound results
Hi all thank you so much for the lovely comments I have recieved in relation to your understanding regarding my "name". You are all awesome :)
Well I went and had my ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus. I was a little nervous at having to bring Nickie and also because last time I had this ultrasound (before they implanted the embryo that turned out to be my beautiful boy) it turned into a big drama. I have a number of cysts on my ovaries because I have PCOS but this particular time they saw something that looked like a larger cyst and it sparked a whole investigation into what it was. They wondered at first whether it was a corpus luteum which would have suggested that I ovulated on my own and therefore they would have had to delay the embryo transfer. It ended up being nothing major but it was very stressful at the time because all I wanted was to have my embryo put in, yet I had to be subjected to numerous blood tests and extra ultrasounds first before I got the green light. I was hoping this time would be more straightforward.
Well I got my wish. I went in and Nickie sat in his stroller playing with his toy giraffe. he was quiet the whole time. Every now and then he looked up and checked to see what I was doing, and then when he saw I was right there he would give me a look that said "oh ok, there you are, everything's fine" and then he would go back to his toy. I was so proud of him, what a gem!! They did the ultrasound and then I had to go home and wait for my nurse to call, which she just has now. She told me that the ultrasound was perfect and that my embryo transfer will be Thursday the 18th of June!!! I'm so excited. This time next week I could be pregnant. If you could all send out your very best prayers/good vibes etc that the embryo will thaw successfully (as there is a 5-10% chance it won't survive thawing) and obviously that the transfer goes well that would be so good.
Just quickly before I sign off as Nickie has just gone to bed for a nap and I really do need to do some housework I just wanted to share with you all that I'm so proud of him because he is getting so close to rolling over! I got some great pics of him yesterday which I would love to post here but I guess it defeats the purpose of anonymity if I'm posting photos. Hmmm. haha
He is getting so so big, time is flying by. It seems like only yesterday they were putting him in my "tummy" and I was saying my prayers that he would hold on! Thank goodness he did. Here's hoping his has a little brother or sister on the way soon.
Well I went and had my ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus. I was a little nervous at having to bring Nickie and also because last time I had this ultrasound (before they implanted the embryo that turned out to be my beautiful boy) it turned into a big drama. I have a number of cysts on my ovaries because I have PCOS but this particular time they saw something that looked like a larger cyst and it sparked a whole investigation into what it was. They wondered at first whether it was a corpus luteum which would have suggested that I ovulated on my own and therefore they would have had to delay the embryo transfer. It ended up being nothing major but it was very stressful at the time because all I wanted was to have my embryo put in, yet I had to be subjected to numerous blood tests and extra ultrasounds first before I got the green light. I was hoping this time would be more straightforward.
Well I got my wish. I went in and Nickie sat in his stroller playing with his toy giraffe. he was quiet the whole time. Every now and then he looked up and checked to see what I was doing, and then when he saw I was right there he would give me a look that said "oh ok, there you are, everything's fine" and then he would go back to his toy. I was so proud of him, what a gem!! They did the ultrasound and then I had to go home and wait for my nurse to call, which she just has now. She told me that the ultrasound was perfect and that my embryo transfer will be Thursday the 18th of June!!! I'm so excited. This time next week I could be pregnant. If you could all send out your very best prayers/good vibes etc that the embryo will thaw successfully (as there is a 5-10% chance it won't survive thawing) and obviously that the transfer goes well that would be so good.
Just quickly before I sign off as Nickie has just gone to bed for a nap and I really do need to do some housework I just wanted to share with you all that I'm so proud of him because he is getting so close to rolling over! I got some great pics of him yesterday which I would love to post here but I guess it defeats the purpose of anonymity if I'm posting photos. Hmmm. haha
He is getting so so big, time is flying by. It seems like only yesterday they were putting him in my "tummy" and I was saying my prayers that he would hold on! Thank goodness he did. Here's hoping his has a little brother or sister on the way soon.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Didn't get much sleep last night
***Update*** Nothing to do with the original post but I just wanted to add how excited I am because I learnt something technological today! I used the help function to put music on my blog. I have seen other people have them on their blogs and have been very jealous lol. Now my blog is less crap haha. So excited. Yay to me! Now on to my original post....
Morning everyone. I am a bit bleary eyed as I write this. I'm having a bit of trouble sleeping at the moment just because of everything going on. Whenever I'm stressed or worried or upset the sleep is the first thing out the window. When I was going through my previous IVF cycle I spent many a sleepless night wandering the house and watching bad TV, and when I was pregnant I was well known for my 3am linen cupboard cleanouts. Old habits, huh?
I have a few things circling my head - first and foremost is of course the IVF cycle that we are in the midst of. I have been taking my Progynova three times a day (a HRT drug for those not familiar with the process) since June 1 and thankfully I haven't felt that much different than I normally do. I remember getting pretty hot and cold last time on it, but so far nothing. Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check my uterus lining to see how it's looking in preparation for the embryo. This is kind of laughable but I'm not really nervous exactly about the ultrasound itself, I'm more nervous about the fact that I will have to take Nickie along and I hope he is going to be a good boy while Mummy is laying down getting the ultrasound haha. I will let you know how that goes.
The second thing weighing on my heart is this dreadful April Rose blog scam that is going on at the moment. I don't know if any of you were followers of the website, but more and more details seem to be coming to light to suggest it was completely false. Of course no one has any proof one way or the other but the whole story is sad whichever way you want to look at it. It really didn't help to put me in a sleeping mood when I was thinking about it last night.
Nickie got up at 7am this morning which is normal time for him, and I am currently working on a sleep settling routine with him that my maternal health nurse reccommended to me. Basically the gist of it is that instead of rocking or nursing them to sleep you put them to bed awake and they settle themselves off to sleep. It has been working really well so far. He usually gets up and has a bottle then after about 1.5-2 hours I see him get a little sleepy looking so I pick him up and put him in his cot and 8 times out of 10 he will have a little sleepy chat to himself for 10min before he drifts off. This morning though, the one time Mummy is exhausted and wants to sneak back to bed for a morning nap of her own was the one morning he refused to let sleep take over. Infants are so funny when they fight off sleep. Nickie particularly will start to feel the sleep wash over him and start to try to shake it off. It's really hilarious to watch actually, but frustrating sometimes. He had a morning play on a rug on the floor with his toy giraffe that he loves and I pottered around and did a few things. Next thing I look over and he has gone to sleep so I picked him up and put him in his cot. His reaction to this was to scream. I go back in and pick him up and he is quiet again and the eyes start to get droopy so back in the cot he goes. He screams again. This went on for awhile until I thought "well these tears are not very genuine, next time I will wait 5 or 10 min before I go in." so when he started crying again that's what I did. His crying started to get louder and louder and then he legitimately started to sound upset rather than just protesting so in I rush. I open the door and the crying stops instantly and he sees me and he grins the hugest smile and squeals in delight at the top of his lungs. I scoop him up whilst trying to keep on my serious face and he starts laughing. There weren't even any tears in his eyes. That boy is one smart cookie.
Have a great day everyone!
Morning everyone. I am a bit bleary eyed as I write this. I'm having a bit of trouble sleeping at the moment just because of everything going on. Whenever I'm stressed or worried or upset the sleep is the first thing out the window. When I was going through my previous IVF cycle I spent many a sleepless night wandering the house and watching bad TV, and when I was pregnant I was well known for my 3am linen cupboard cleanouts. Old habits, huh?
I have a few things circling my head - first and foremost is of course the IVF cycle that we are in the midst of. I have been taking my Progynova three times a day (a HRT drug for those not familiar with the process) since June 1 and thankfully I haven't felt that much different than I normally do. I remember getting pretty hot and cold last time on it, but so far nothing. Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check my uterus lining to see how it's looking in preparation for the embryo. This is kind of laughable but I'm not really nervous exactly about the ultrasound itself, I'm more nervous about the fact that I will have to take Nickie along and I hope he is going to be a good boy while Mummy is laying down getting the ultrasound haha. I will let you know how that goes.
The second thing weighing on my heart is this dreadful April Rose blog scam that is going on at the moment. I don't know if any of you were followers of the website, but more and more details seem to be coming to light to suggest it was completely false. Of course no one has any proof one way or the other but the whole story is sad whichever way you want to look at it. It really didn't help to put me in a sleeping mood when I was thinking about it last night.
Nickie got up at 7am this morning which is normal time for him, and I am currently working on a sleep settling routine with him that my maternal health nurse reccommended to me. Basically the gist of it is that instead of rocking or nursing them to sleep you put them to bed awake and they settle themselves off to sleep. It has been working really well so far. He usually gets up and has a bottle then after about 1.5-2 hours I see him get a little sleepy looking so I pick him up and put him in his cot and 8 times out of 10 he will have a little sleepy chat to himself for 10min before he drifts off. This morning though, the one time Mummy is exhausted and wants to sneak back to bed for a morning nap of her own was the one morning he refused to let sleep take over. Infants are so funny when they fight off sleep. Nickie particularly will start to feel the sleep wash over him and start to try to shake it off. It's really hilarious to watch actually, but frustrating sometimes. He had a morning play on a rug on the floor with his toy giraffe that he loves and I pottered around and did a few things. Next thing I look over and he has gone to sleep so I picked him up and put him in his cot. His reaction to this was to scream. I go back in and pick him up and he is quiet again and the eyes start to get droopy so back in the cot he goes. He screams again. This went on for awhile until I thought "well these tears are not very genuine, next time I will wait 5 or 10 min before I go in." so when he started crying again that's what I did. His crying started to get louder and louder and then he legitimately started to sound upset rather than just protesting so in I rush. I open the door and the crying stops instantly and he sees me and he grins the hugest smile and squeals in delight at the top of his lungs. I scoop him up whilst trying to keep on my serious face and he starts laughing. There weren't even any tears in his eyes. That boy is one smart cookie.
Have a great day everyone!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The ugly side of blogging
Hi everyone. There is a blog that I'm sure many of you have visited in the past few months. It featured the story of "B" a young unwed mother to be who was expecting a little baby, April Rose. Little April had been diagnosed with Trisomy 13 in utero and was not expected to survive. Against all odds, April did survive to full term and was born a day or two ago much to my delight and to a lot of other readers as well. Then all of a sudden, the site had most of its content deleted and there are now rumors all over the internet that the whole thing was an elaborate hoax designed for everything from attention to money gained from people's sympathetic donations as well as advetisements on the blog.
I have been a follower of "B" and April's for many months now. I have shed many tears and I rejoiced when April was born alive. At the moment I really don't know what to believe and I just find the whole thing extremely sad. I know someone whose little boy was born with Trisomy 13 and died just moments after his birth, and I know first hand the torment that she experienced. It is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy and this is particularly brought home to me now that I am a mother myself. I feel so sad and hurt at the possibility that while all of us were touched emotionally by April, there might have been someone behind the scenes having a laugh at our expense. I find the thought of that really disgusting and cruel.
But on the other hand, none of us really know for sure if it IS a hoax. For all we know somewhere out there in the big wide world there really is an April who is fighting for life and hanging on to each breath, while her distraught mother looks on helpless. All the while this brand new family is being pushed down by emails of hate and rumours that their struggle and their sorrow is fictional. That would be more than I could bear, I'm sure. I hope whatever has happened - fact or fiction - that everything turns out as well as it can in the end.
Whatever has taken place here has sparked a confession of my own. I hate the thought of dishonesty I really do and so I have to let everyone in on something because it is not sitting right with me after the events of today with this blog. My name is fictional. Nothing else about me is. I have struggled with infertility, I have an almost 5 month old son from an IVF cycle, and I am in the middle of another IVF cycle as I write this. I have a beautiful husband who cooks chicken wellington and a wonderful sister in law who is expecting a baby in December following a miscarriage last year. The only part of the story I have changed is our names.
I am really very sorry if this upsets anyone, but I feel I had a good reason. I touched on the topic of my sister briefly a few posts back and the reason for my anonymity on my blog is mainly because of something she did. If you missed the first post explaining about her let me explain again that my sister struggles with addiction, is very mixed up and doesn't behave rationally. Throughout my journey through infertility I was a regular on a message board on a certain website for infertile women. I poured my heart out to the women there and made many friends. After a few years I discovered one of those women was my sister posing as someone and using the message board to befriend me and find out details about my life. Apparently she googled me and because my nickname on the site was identical to my nickname in my email address she located me quite easily on the message boards and I guess she thought it would be fun to play this trick on me. When I decided to blog here I decided instead of using my real name and exposing my family to her games again, that I would pick a name I liked for me and the other people in my life to be known as in order to protect our privacy.
Once again I apologise and hope I haven't offended anyone. To be honest i started blogging mainly for myself and never really thought I'd get any readers who would be interested in my life! So I didn't think this issue would really matter in the long term. But I love all the friendship you guys have given me and I don't want to be dishonest even if it's just a little white lie. I'd still like to be known as Paxton if that's ok and for my little boy to be Nickie etc. I feel more comfortable that way in light of past events which I have explained. It's not because I don't trust anyone here, it's just that nothing on the net is really private is it? :) I hope you will still remain my friends and my readers and that you don't feel I have been deceitful to you, and that you will all allow me to remain your friend too. I am loving sharing our journies with each other and I do wish that I could be as brave as some of you all are being putting your whole life out there in the world wide web, unashamedly.
Your friend still - I hope!
"Paxton"
I have been a follower of "B" and April's for many months now. I have shed many tears and I rejoiced when April was born alive. At the moment I really don't know what to believe and I just find the whole thing extremely sad. I know someone whose little boy was born with Trisomy 13 and died just moments after his birth, and I know first hand the torment that she experienced. It is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy and this is particularly brought home to me now that I am a mother myself. I feel so sad and hurt at the possibility that while all of us were touched emotionally by April, there might have been someone behind the scenes having a laugh at our expense. I find the thought of that really disgusting and cruel.
But on the other hand, none of us really know for sure if it IS a hoax. For all we know somewhere out there in the big wide world there really is an April who is fighting for life and hanging on to each breath, while her distraught mother looks on helpless. All the while this brand new family is being pushed down by emails of hate and rumours that their struggle and their sorrow is fictional. That would be more than I could bear, I'm sure. I hope whatever has happened - fact or fiction - that everything turns out as well as it can in the end.
Whatever has taken place here has sparked a confession of my own. I hate the thought of dishonesty I really do and so I have to let everyone in on something because it is not sitting right with me after the events of today with this blog. My name is fictional. Nothing else about me is. I have struggled with infertility, I have an almost 5 month old son from an IVF cycle, and I am in the middle of another IVF cycle as I write this. I have a beautiful husband who cooks chicken wellington and a wonderful sister in law who is expecting a baby in December following a miscarriage last year. The only part of the story I have changed is our names.
I am really very sorry if this upsets anyone, but I feel I had a good reason. I touched on the topic of my sister briefly a few posts back and the reason for my anonymity on my blog is mainly because of something she did. If you missed the first post explaining about her let me explain again that my sister struggles with addiction, is very mixed up and doesn't behave rationally. Throughout my journey through infertility I was a regular on a message board on a certain website for infertile women. I poured my heart out to the women there and made many friends. After a few years I discovered one of those women was my sister posing as someone and using the message board to befriend me and find out details about my life. Apparently she googled me and because my nickname on the site was identical to my nickname in my email address she located me quite easily on the message boards and I guess she thought it would be fun to play this trick on me. When I decided to blog here I decided instead of using my real name and exposing my family to her games again, that I would pick a name I liked for me and the other people in my life to be known as in order to protect our privacy.
Once again I apologise and hope I haven't offended anyone. To be honest i started blogging mainly for myself and never really thought I'd get any readers who would be interested in my life! So I didn't think this issue would really matter in the long term. But I love all the friendship you guys have given me and I don't want to be dishonest even if it's just a little white lie. I'd still like to be known as Paxton if that's ok and for my little boy to be Nickie etc. I feel more comfortable that way in light of past events which I have explained. It's not because I don't trust anyone here, it's just that nothing on the net is really private is it? :) I hope you will still remain my friends and my readers and that you don't feel I have been deceitful to you, and that you will all allow me to remain your friend too. I am loving sharing our journies with each other and I do wish that I could be as brave as some of you all are being putting your whole life out there in the world wide web, unashamedly.
Your friend still - I hope!
"Paxton"
Monday, June 8, 2009
Having a negative day
Hi everyone. Does anyone relate to me when I say that infertility consists of many different days - some negative and some positive? I am approaching my upcoming IVF treatment with emotions that swing from one extreme to the other. Some days are what i like to call "positive days" where I feel like nothing is going to come between me and a positive result. If making a baby could be achieved by just wanting one then I would be Octomum! I look at Nickie with such love and I just know in my heart of hearts that I will get to be a mum to another baby. Then there are days like today when I am just about ready to throw in the towel. Days when I feel very lost, very scared and very alone. I just wish I had a crystal ball!
Today I rang Rhea to ask her if my IVF cycle ends up being unsuccessful, could she and Paul please come and pick up the bassinet that is sitting in the corner of our bedroom, still put together from when Nickie slept in it. She was kind of taken aback and asked me didn't I want to put it away for awhile until I decide what to do with it for sure. She said her and Paul didn't mind going out and getting their own if I didn't feel like parting with it yet. I said no, that if we got a negative result, then I wanted it out of my house. I don't want it hanging around reminding me that there won't be any babies sleeping in it ever again. Most of all, if I have to start dealing with the fact that I'm not going to be a Mum again, then I want to start dealing with it properly. I don't want baby bits and pieces that Nickie has outgrown, hanging around and tempting me to cling to futile hope.
I feel so unprepared to say goodbye to having babies. I know, I know, I already have one. I know that. I'm thankful for that. But why does that have to be the end for me. Why can't I have lots of babies? Why can't I have a big family with lots of brothers and sisters for Nickie to play with? I feel so resentful today. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not over yet, we still have our embryo transfer to come. If it worked for us once then it can work again. But I think about hearing those words on the end of the phone in a few weeks that it hasn't worked and I wonder what I will do then. I came into this battle with the goal of being a mother and I achieved that, thank God! I have my precious little boy. I'm his mother and always will be. I won! So why does it still hurt so bad, and why do I feel like in a way I still lost? I don't understand myself.
Brad was wonderful to me this weekend. Here in Australia it is a long weekend for the Queen's Birthday holiday. I only work Monday's and Friday's and so that means I have a super long weekend because with Monday being a no work day I am not due back behind my desk till Friday. I'm glad as I feel I really need this chill out time. I am very tired, physically but mostly emotionally. I know this is hard on Brad having a moody wife so I really appreciated the fact that he seemed to throw himself into making this weekend what he called "mummy time". He wants me to be as relaxed as I can be so he has tried to help out with Nickie as much as possible. He also cooked a very very impressive dinner last night - ladies prepare to be jealous! He made chicken wellington with a prawn and white wine sauce and roast vegetables. No he is not a chef, both of us just really love to cook for each other. He really excelled himself. This afternoon Nickie had a super long afternoon nap so I curled up in bed with a good book for a couple of hours and chilled out while Brad did some vacuuming!
Brad came up with the beautiful suggestion that after the IVF is over, if it is unsuccessful we should throw ourselves into celebrating Nickie being here. He asked me how I felt about throwing him a Naming Day party. I really like the idea and the fact that it will give me something joyful to focus on. I especially appreciated it because Brad is not religious at all and really hates things like that. When I originally suggested a christening he said "no way" and so I suggested a naming day as an alternative but he wasn't really keen on that either. Obviously he is making an effort to do something that will make me happy and I love him for that.
Thursday is our ultrasound to check my uterus lining. We have decided that I will go by myself because it is a 5 minute thing and it seems pointless for Brad to take time off work to come, when if all goes to plan, he will have to take more time off next week for an embryo transfer. We don't want to upset his work too much, and I am a big girl and have done this before so that is the plan. As some of you might remember, we have not told anyone about the fact that we are undertaking IVF again except for Rhea and Paul. I was hoping, as Thursday is Rhea's day off that she would be able to watch Nickie for an hour while I went for my ultrasound. Unfortuneately though, she has an OB appointment and so she is understandabley busy. So it looks like Nickie will be accompanying Mummy to her ultrasound as I can't ask my mum to help out without explaining myself. I hope that he is a good boy! Maybe he will be like my own personal good luck charm. I hope so!
Today I rang Rhea to ask her if my IVF cycle ends up being unsuccessful, could she and Paul please come and pick up the bassinet that is sitting in the corner of our bedroom, still put together from when Nickie slept in it. She was kind of taken aback and asked me didn't I want to put it away for awhile until I decide what to do with it for sure. She said her and Paul didn't mind going out and getting their own if I didn't feel like parting with it yet. I said no, that if we got a negative result, then I wanted it out of my house. I don't want it hanging around reminding me that there won't be any babies sleeping in it ever again. Most of all, if I have to start dealing with the fact that I'm not going to be a Mum again, then I want to start dealing with it properly. I don't want baby bits and pieces that Nickie has outgrown, hanging around and tempting me to cling to futile hope.
I feel so unprepared to say goodbye to having babies. I know, I know, I already have one. I know that. I'm thankful for that. But why does that have to be the end for me. Why can't I have lots of babies? Why can't I have a big family with lots of brothers and sisters for Nickie to play with? I feel so resentful today. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not over yet, we still have our embryo transfer to come. If it worked for us once then it can work again. But I think about hearing those words on the end of the phone in a few weeks that it hasn't worked and I wonder what I will do then. I came into this battle with the goal of being a mother and I achieved that, thank God! I have my precious little boy. I'm his mother and always will be. I won! So why does it still hurt so bad, and why do I feel like in a way I still lost? I don't understand myself.
Brad was wonderful to me this weekend. Here in Australia it is a long weekend for the Queen's Birthday holiday. I only work Monday's and Friday's and so that means I have a super long weekend because with Monday being a no work day I am not due back behind my desk till Friday. I'm glad as I feel I really need this chill out time. I am very tired, physically but mostly emotionally. I know this is hard on Brad having a moody wife so I really appreciated the fact that he seemed to throw himself into making this weekend what he called "mummy time". He wants me to be as relaxed as I can be so he has tried to help out with Nickie as much as possible. He also cooked a very very impressive dinner last night - ladies prepare to be jealous! He made chicken wellington with a prawn and white wine sauce and roast vegetables. No he is not a chef, both of us just really love to cook for each other. He really excelled himself. This afternoon Nickie had a super long afternoon nap so I curled up in bed with a good book for a couple of hours and chilled out while Brad did some vacuuming!
Brad came up with the beautiful suggestion that after the IVF is over, if it is unsuccessful we should throw ourselves into celebrating Nickie being here. He asked me how I felt about throwing him a Naming Day party. I really like the idea and the fact that it will give me something joyful to focus on. I especially appreciated it because Brad is not religious at all and really hates things like that. When I originally suggested a christening he said "no way" and so I suggested a naming day as an alternative but he wasn't really keen on that either. Obviously he is making an effort to do something that will make me happy and I love him for that.
Thursday is our ultrasound to check my uterus lining. We have decided that I will go by myself because it is a 5 minute thing and it seems pointless for Brad to take time off work to come, when if all goes to plan, he will have to take more time off next week for an embryo transfer. We don't want to upset his work too much, and I am a big girl and have done this before so that is the plan. As some of you might remember, we have not told anyone about the fact that we are undertaking IVF again except for Rhea and Paul. I was hoping, as Thursday is Rhea's day off that she would be able to watch Nickie for an hour while I went for my ultrasound. Unfortuneately though, she has an OB appointment and so she is understandabley busy. So it looks like Nickie will be accompanying Mummy to her ultrasound as I can't ask my mum to help out without explaining myself. I hope that he is a good boy! Maybe he will be like my own personal good luck charm. I hope so!
Friday, June 5, 2009
The happy and the sad
First of all yay I have followers now, how very exciting! Thank you guys for stopping by, I appreciate the support and a big thanks to Mimi for sending some new friends over to say hello.
This post is a mixed one of a few emotions I have been feeling lately. I am thrilled to report that Rhea and Paul's ultrasound couldn't have gone better and Rhea is now 13 weeks pregnant exactly, with one very healthy and happy bubba. She is extremely excited and says she can't wait to start shopping up a storm. We saw them for dinner last night after they recieved the wonderful report from their ultrasound appointment and let me say they are one happy couple. Brad and I are so excited about becoming an aunty and uncle, and that Nickie will soon be a big cousin. One thing that especially makes me happy is that because we are all very close it will be lovely for Nickie to have a cousin that he is close to in age to play with, just in case we can't give him a brother or a sister. This is something that weighs on my mind a lot and so I am pleased that it looks like he will get the next best thing.
But from one extreme to the other, the weirdest thing happened to me today and it actually made me incredibly sad and also angry in a way too. I work in an office on reception two days a week and I recieved a call today from a really horrible woman. She was abrupt and rude and very uppity, like she was the most important person in the world and I was extremely inferior which annoyed me to begin with. She was enquiring about a bill she had recieved as she was unclear on what it was for, and when I asked her for her account number so I could look into it, she snapped at me and said "I don't have that" so I said that was fine, I could still help her if she could be so kind as to give me her details so I could search for her record and bring up her file so I could see it. I asked her for her name and address etc and she said to me "look I am a DOCTOR and I am too busy for this nonsense. I have PATIENTS to see and you are making me late." I felt like hanging up on her, but of course, keeping the customer service hat on I had to apologise to her and explain that although I regretted I was inconveniencing her, I did need her details to find her record. She reluctantly provided them and I nearly died when I realised who she was. This woman was none other than the very first specialist Brad and I saw when we initially thought something might be wrong as I had not gotten pregnant in a year of trying. She was not only the most uncompassionate doctor I have ever seen in my life with absolutely no bedside manner, she also totally misdiagnosed me. She did one or two tests on me and never even tested Brad and declared that nothing was wrong with us, we must be trying too hard. When I disagreed and said "well why do I get such heavy and irregular periods, and sometimes none at all as well as terrible pain at times? With all baby making aside surely that is something wrong in itself" her answer was to tell me that it was probably because my hormones were a little out of whack and they would probably improve on their own with changes in my diet and lifestyle and maybe the loss of a few kilos. Her assessment left us feeling stupid for jumping to conclusions and we kept trying for another six months to fall pregnant before we finally got the courage to get a second opinion. Our second doctor was not only the most lovely man, he also thankfully knew what he was talking about. Three visits to him and we had uncovered that not only did I have PCOS and wasn't ovulating, but Brad's sperm was also what they call triple defective (low count, irregular in shape, and not the best swimmers). So not only was there definitely something wrong with us after all, but we (according to pretty much every doctor that we have seen since then) are facing a slim chance if any of getting pregnant without the help of IVF.
It made me completely sick to think that not only was this woman responsible for us losing valuable time and starting us on an emotional rollercoaster ride (it was awful to find all this info out about our lack of fertility after being given the all clear) but she also obviously has the nerve to ring people up and act like she is such an important person. I would have given anything to have said something to her, but of course professionalism prevented me from doing so. I am not sure why but the experience rattled me for the rest of the day and made me feel angry, but also extremely sad.
I was amazed though at how quick this sadness was eased by the surprise that I got when Brad picked me up from work at the end of the day. I expected to see just Brad, and for Nickie to still be with my mum at home. But there was my husband in the drivers seat, and there was my beautiful little boy in the back - he had come along for the ride. Not only that, but through the window when he saw me, he beamed a great big sunny smile and let out a squeal of delight. Suddenly I was on cloud nine. I guess that horrible doctor didn't ruin my day after all - just her own.
This post is a mixed one of a few emotions I have been feeling lately. I am thrilled to report that Rhea and Paul's ultrasound couldn't have gone better and Rhea is now 13 weeks pregnant exactly, with one very healthy and happy bubba. She is extremely excited and says she can't wait to start shopping up a storm. We saw them for dinner last night after they recieved the wonderful report from their ultrasound appointment and let me say they are one happy couple. Brad and I are so excited about becoming an aunty and uncle, and that Nickie will soon be a big cousin. One thing that especially makes me happy is that because we are all very close it will be lovely for Nickie to have a cousin that he is close to in age to play with, just in case we can't give him a brother or a sister. This is something that weighs on my mind a lot and so I am pleased that it looks like he will get the next best thing.
But from one extreme to the other, the weirdest thing happened to me today and it actually made me incredibly sad and also angry in a way too. I work in an office on reception two days a week and I recieved a call today from a really horrible woman. She was abrupt and rude and very uppity, like she was the most important person in the world and I was extremely inferior which annoyed me to begin with. She was enquiring about a bill she had recieved as she was unclear on what it was for, and when I asked her for her account number so I could look into it, she snapped at me and said "I don't have that" so I said that was fine, I could still help her if she could be so kind as to give me her details so I could search for her record and bring up her file so I could see it. I asked her for her name and address etc and she said to me "look I am a DOCTOR and I am too busy for this nonsense. I have PATIENTS to see and you are making me late." I felt like hanging up on her, but of course, keeping the customer service hat on I had to apologise to her and explain that although I regretted I was inconveniencing her, I did need her details to find her record. She reluctantly provided them and I nearly died when I realised who she was. This woman was none other than the very first specialist Brad and I saw when we initially thought something might be wrong as I had not gotten pregnant in a year of trying. She was not only the most uncompassionate doctor I have ever seen in my life with absolutely no bedside manner, she also totally misdiagnosed me. She did one or two tests on me and never even tested Brad and declared that nothing was wrong with us, we must be trying too hard. When I disagreed and said "well why do I get such heavy and irregular periods, and sometimes none at all as well as terrible pain at times? With all baby making aside surely that is something wrong in itself" her answer was to tell me that it was probably because my hormones were a little out of whack and they would probably improve on their own with changes in my diet and lifestyle and maybe the loss of a few kilos. Her assessment left us feeling stupid for jumping to conclusions and we kept trying for another six months to fall pregnant before we finally got the courage to get a second opinion. Our second doctor was not only the most lovely man, he also thankfully knew what he was talking about. Three visits to him and we had uncovered that not only did I have PCOS and wasn't ovulating, but Brad's sperm was also what they call triple defective (low count, irregular in shape, and not the best swimmers). So not only was there definitely something wrong with us after all, but we (according to pretty much every doctor that we have seen since then) are facing a slim chance if any of getting pregnant without the help of IVF.
It made me completely sick to think that not only was this woman responsible for us losing valuable time and starting us on an emotional rollercoaster ride (it was awful to find all this info out about our lack of fertility after being given the all clear) but she also obviously has the nerve to ring people up and act like she is such an important person. I would have given anything to have said something to her, but of course professionalism prevented me from doing so. I am not sure why but the experience rattled me for the rest of the day and made me feel angry, but also extremely sad.
I was amazed though at how quick this sadness was eased by the surprise that I got when Brad picked me up from work at the end of the day. I expected to see just Brad, and for Nickie to still be with my mum at home. But there was my husband in the drivers seat, and there was my beautiful little boy in the back - he had come along for the ride. Not only that, but through the window when he saw me, he beamed a great big sunny smile and let out a squeal of delight. Suddenly I was on cloud nine. I guess that horrible doctor didn't ruin my day after all - just her own.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Keeping secrets
Well we have finally been able to start our IVF cycle and I am feeling much more at peace now that we are in the midst of taking some action instead of just waiting and thinking about it. Things always seem much scarier in their lead up, I find, and then once you actually are able to do them I guess you feel more in control of the situation and therefore they often don't seem as bad. Even though I know I can't control the outcome, in a weird way it feels good to be talking on the phone to our IVF nurse, taking tablets and booking ultrasound appointments because at least I am doing something.
I have been feeling pretty good physically as well and have not had any of the strong side effects that I remember feeling on the medication last time. The process will go a little something like this for those of you that are not familiar with IVF: there will be no needles or surgery for me this time around as we already have our last frozen embryo ready to go. I am currently taking some medication at the moment to trick my body into thinking it's going to ovulate. They can't just put the embryo in at any old time, your body has to be ready to accept it and because the natural conception process takes place at ovulation, my body has to think it's at that stage when they do implant the embryo. I am needing to take this medication because I actually don't ovulate all that often with the condition I have, PCOS. On Thursday June 11 I will be attending my clinic for an ultrasound to check the medication is doing its job and that the lining of my uterus is getting appropriately thick for the embryo. If it is then the embryo transfer will be scheduled for a few days after that, and then I will face a 10-14 day wait for our results. That's the process in a nutshell for you and I hope the explanation made sense!
We have known for a short time that we would be starting an IVF cycle and therefore have been keeping the secret from our friends and family for a while, but if it makes sense, it didn't really feel like a secret because we hadn't officially started yet! Now that we have gone ahead I am starting to feel very guilty at all the sneaking around that we will be doing over the next few weeks. I spent Monday at work quietly whispering on the phone to our IVF nurse, discussing the plan of action and booking our ultrasound appointment and felt like I was doing something illegal.
The person I am most having issues with keeping secrets from is my Mum because we are very close. She babysits Nickie twice a week, on Mondays and Fridays when I work, and we often hang out during the week. Strangley enough, she is actually the reason why we decided to keep this cycle a secret which also makes me feel a little uneasy. It's not that Mum is a bad person, she is not at all, she is just extremely practical. Where as Brad and I are the sort of people who will make choices in a heartbeat when we know they are the right ones, my Mum is kind of scared of change and an absolute champion at procrastination. When she and my Dad decided to downsize their house a few years ago by selling their big house and moving to a little townhouse, Dad got very frustrated with her because she would love a particular property but would never want to put in an offer on it. I think she was so scared that the offer would actually be accepted and then they would actually have to move houses! haha
When I started to have some problems after having Nickie and I started seeing my specialists again I was told then to think about using the embryo soon. I knew from the start that my Mum would have reservations about us having a second baby so close to Nickie. She would be worried about our finances, my health, the fact that it would be a lot of work etc. I decided to broach the subject with her and test the waters and I must know her very well indeed because I was right on the money. Without even hearing me out, when I mentioned the possibilty of using embryo number two she actually laughed and told me how ridiculous those doctors were being even suggesting an idea so ludicrous. She told me how we would never get any sleep, that I would always be tired, that we would be broke seeing as I would have to quit work alltogether and how I should just be thankful for Nicholas and let the embryo go. I kind of shrugged the conversation off as if it was just a notion that had no chance of actually happening and changed the subject. Brad and I decided after that to go it alone.
Even though Mum wasn't exactly supportive, it still feels very wrong to be keeping something so huge from her and I know she will be shocked if and when the day comes that we tell her she is about to be a grandmother again and that we have done the IVF cycle without telling her. I hope she will take it ok and I hope I am not doing the wrong thing by not telling her. I spent the day with her today and took her out to lunch. Nickie sat in his pusher in the window of the cafe with his toy giraffe and watched all the cars and people pass us by with such a look of wonder that it touched both of our hearts. I found myself reaching out and touching his cheek and blurting out to my mum the hope that he would have a sibling one day and that I could be a Mum again. She stared at me and said "I know you love being a Mum, and you deserve to be one, but look at what you already have. How could you be unhappy or unsatisfied with someone so precious?" and she looked at him and smiled with the look on her face that it was all sorted. I felt really sick.
On a more positive note, Rhea and Paul have their 12 week ultrasound tomorrow. I am praying with my whole heart that everything will be ok for them and I'm sure it will be. They have already reached the 12 week milestone itself but couldn't get in for the ultrasound until tomorrow, which will be 13 weeks. We have invited them over for dinner tomorrow and I have a big bag of baby goodies to give them - things I have been collecting for them since their previous pregnancy. This will be the first chance that Rhea will have had to get excited about her pregnancy as because her previous one ended in a miscarriage she has understandably been keeping a lid on things so as not to get " jinxed". I want so much for her to have the happiness that comes with preparing for a baby. It was one of the happiest times in my life and something I wish that each and every person could have the pleasure of experiencing. I really hope that some of that fear and anxiety will be banished with this ultrasound, and the end of the first trimester, and that Rhea can start to feel more relaxed. Everyone please keep them in your thoughts.
I have been feeling pretty good physically as well and have not had any of the strong side effects that I remember feeling on the medication last time. The process will go a little something like this for those of you that are not familiar with IVF: there will be no needles or surgery for me this time around as we already have our last frozen embryo ready to go. I am currently taking some medication at the moment to trick my body into thinking it's going to ovulate. They can't just put the embryo in at any old time, your body has to be ready to accept it and because the natural conception process takes place at ovulation, my body has to think it's at that stage when they do implant the embryo. I am needing to take this medication because I actually don't ovulate all that often with the condition I have, PCOS. On Thursday June 11 I will be attending my clinic for an ultrasound to check the medication is doing its job and that the lining of my uterus is getting appropriately thick for the embryo. If it is then the embryo transfer will be scheduled for a few days after that, and then I will face a 10-14 day wait for our results. That's the process in a nutshell for you and I hope the explanation made sense!
We have known for a short time that we would be starting an IVF cycle and therefore have been keeping the secret from our friends and family for a while, but if it makes sense, it didn't really feel like a secret because we hadn't officially started yet! Now that we have gone ahead I am starting to feel very guilty at all the sneaking around that we will be doing over the next few weeks. I spent Monday at work quietly whispering on the phone to our IVF nurse, discussing the plan of action and booking our ultrasound appointment and felt like I was doing something illegal.
The person I am most having issues with keeping secrets from is my Mum because we are very close. She babysits Nickie twice a week, on Mondays and Fridays when I work, and we often hang out during the week. Strangley enough, she is actually the reason why we decided to keep this cycle a secret which also makes me feel a little uneasy. It's not that Mum is a bad person, she is not at all, she is just extremely practical. Where as Brad and I are the sort of people who will make choices in a heartbeat when we know they are the right ones, my Mum is kind of scared of change and an absolute champion at procrastination. When she and my Dad decided to downsize their house a few years ago by selling their big house and moving to a little townhouse, Dad got very frustrated with her because she would love a particular property but would never want to put in an offer on it. I think she was so scared that the offer would actually be accepted and then they would actually have to move houses! haha
When I started to have some problems after having Nickie and I started seeing my specialists again I was told then to think about using the embryo soon. I knew from the start that my Mum would have reservations about us having a second baby so close to Nickie. She would be worried about our finances, my health, the fact that it would be a lot of work etc. I decided to broach the subject with her and test the waters and I must know her very well indeed because I was right on the money. Without even hearing me out, when I mentioned the possibilty of using embryo number two she actually laughed and told me how ridiculous those doctors were being even suggesting an idea so ludicrous. She told me how we would never get any sleep, that I would always be tired, that we would be broke seeing as I would have to quit work alltogether and how I should just be thankful for Nicholas and let the embryo go. I kind of shrugged the conversation off as if it was just a notion that had no chance of actually happening and changed the subject. Brad and I decided after that to go it alone.
Even though Mum wasn't exactly supportive, it still feels very wrong to be keeping something so huge from her and I know she will be shocked if and when the day comes that we tell her she is about to be a grandmother again and that we have done the IVF cycle without telling her. I hope she will take it ok and I hope I am not doing the wrong thing by not telling her. I spent the day with her today and took her out to lunch. Nickie sat in his pusher in the window of the cafe with his toy giraffe and watched all the cars and people pass us by with such a look of wonder that it touched both of our hearts. I found myself reaching out and touching his cheek and blurting out to my mum the hope that he would have a sibling one day and that I could be a Mum again. She stared at me and said "I know you love being a Mum, and you deserve to be one, but look at what you already have. How could you be unhappy or unsatisfied with someone so precious?" and she looked at him and smiled with the look on her face that it was all sorted. I felt really sick.
On a more positive note, Rhea and Paul have their 12 week ultrasound tomorrow. I am praying with my whole heart that everything will be ok for them and I'm sure it will be. They have already reached the 12 week milestone itself but couldn't get in for the ultrasound until tomorrow, which will be 13 weeks. We have invited them over for dinner tomorrow and I have a big bag of baby goodies to give them - things I have been collecting for them since their previous pregnancy. This will be the first chance that Rhea will have had to get excited about her pregnancy as because her previous one ended in a miscarriage she has understandably been keeping a lid on things so as not to get " jinxed". I want so much for her to have the happiness that comes with preparing for a baby. It was one of the happiest times in my life and something I wish that each and every person could have the pleasure of experiencing. I really hope that some of that fear and anxiety will be banished with this ultrasound, and the end of the first trimester, and that Rhea can start to feel more relaxed. Everyone please keep them in your thoughts.
Monday, June 1, 2009
God bless the broken road...
Today after a beautiful morning with my two boys, the three of us headed out to Rhea and Paul's house because we had kindly been invited for lunch. While the "big boys" watched some football, Rhea and I took Nickie out with us and sat in the yard and had one of our heart to hearts.
The thing about Rhea is that she has become a best friend to me and a much needed sister. While some might argue that the "sister" title is not official, as she is Brad's sister and therefore my sister IN LAW, in my heart she is nothing short of a true sister. When I met Brad it turned out that not only did I gain the love of my life, but also a second family. I do have a "real sister" but talking about her is really a sad point for me as we have had our ups and downs. I don't want to go too much into her story as I need to respect her privacy but she struggles with an addiction and has consequently become a very mixed up and I believe very unwell young woman. There have been numerous events that have taken place between us and I really urge you all to try not to pass judgement when I tell you that not long ago I felt it was necessary to cut my ties with her. We are currently not in contact and the situation between us is not very positive I'm sorry to say. I don't want you all to think I don't care about her struggles because I really do and it is not a case of some seventh grade fight which has resulted in an "im not talking to you" kind of thing. Please believe me when I say that it was very hard to severe ties with her, that I do wish her well and want her to get better, that for many years my family and I have done nothing but pour our lives into trying to help her. In the end I had to think of my own family and my own sanity as the stress contributed to several health problems during my pregnancy with Nickie, and I had to move on with my life.
During all of this, Rhea has become the supportive sister that I have never had. She was also there for me during my struggle with infertility and I ended up also being able to be a supportive sister to her when she suffered a miscarriage with her first pregnancy last year. While Rhea has no health problems which restrict her fertility - the miscarriage was just one of those things - we have both been in a simalar position in that we felt very powerless over our situation at one time or another and that both of our stories involved a baby we so desperately wanted to have but couldn't. For both of us, pregnancy hasn't come easy and we talk at great lengths about this.
Today's conversation got me thinking, as we were speaking about how the two of us were finding it hard to shake the feeling of deja vu. She feels very haunted by the ghosts of her past pregnancy and is constantly being plagued by feelings of fear that things might turn out the same as last time. She is also finding it hard to stop comparing every little twinge, niggle and symptom to her previous pregnancy. I, on the other hand, am finding myself back on the IVF bandwagon so soon after being blessed with Nicholas. I planned to try to have another baby soon after having him but only because Brad and I know how long it could possibly take us to concieve. I also have to admit I never dreamed that we would do IVF again so soon because I guess I was clinging to the hope that once my body had achieved a pregnancy and "learnt how to be pregnant" that a natural conception might be not as hard as we thought the second time around. That's why so quickly after having Nickie I was doing pregnancy tests thinking I might honestly get a positive one! But now here we are back at the IVF clinic waiting to start not only round 2, but also our final round so soon.
Rhea said something along the lines of "in a way I am sorry that I had to go through a miscarriage because that baby never had the chance to live and be a family with us. Also it is making me apprehensive about this pregnancy and so I not feeling like I can be as excited as the average person. But on the other hand, I have learnt how precious life is. Even though that little baby didn't survive and I never got to meet it, I am honoured I had the oppurtunity to carry it and give it life and a home, even if only for such a short while. I am just as thankful for that pregnancy as I am for this one." I barely had a chance to think over these beautiful words which were spoken as Rhea held Nickie and looked at him with an expression of pure love and yearning, when she asked me a question: "would you change what you and Brad went through if you could?"
My answer surprised me. Before I knew what I was saying my mouth had closed around a single word: "No". But the more I thought about it the more it was obvious to me that I really wouldn't change any part of my journey thus far. Why? Well the answer is not so simple and has many facets to it. To start with, what Brad and I went through has taught us a lot. We have learnt lots about ourselves, about our marriage, about life and about the fact that nothing in the world is under our control. People wonder whether our experience has strengthened our love of our son since we worked so hard for him. I honestly don't know the answer to that as I have always loved children and been yearning for one of my own and so I really believe I would have been just as thrilled had Nickie fallen in my lap, but because he didn't fall in my lap I will never know how that would have felt. I do know though that like Rhea I too have learnt the value of life through my experience. I know without a doubt that it is an absolute honour to carry a human life and I will never stop feeling lucky that I had the chance to do it.
Another reason I am thankful for our journey is the wonderful people that we met during it, many of whom we probably would never have had the joy of knowing had Brad and I been just a regular fertile couple. There's our very thoughtful and compassionate doctor who not only was our initial specialist when we first began exploring the reason why we couldn't seem to get pregnant, but who also became our OB and ended up delivering Nickie. I will forever be so grateful to have had such a capable doctor looking after us. There's our IVF specialists who truly love what they do and who continue to be so supporting and encouraging towards our situation. There's Sara, our IVF nurse, who is truly a beautiful lady and who shared many a tough time and one very joyous time in particular with us both. There's the number of natural health professionals who we worked with along the way. All were genuinely caring and a true joy to know. Most of all though, there are the treasured friends we have met through sharing our experience of infertility. Beautiful souls who I have met while doing things like waiting in doctors offices and posting on online message boards. Each and every one of these people have been touched and affected by infertility in their own way and each are in my prayers every day.
The most important reason for not wanting to change anything is Nickie himself. At the time when we were living in the moment and experiencing the harsh reality that is infertility I never realised that with every disappointment we were moving closer to him. Every negative pregnancy test was one pregnancy test closer to the positive one that told me he was on his way. Every obstacle resulted in decisions and choices being made and steps being taken towards our son. The way I see it, the road to Nicholas was very bumpy and very broken but because it led to him, the whole time it was God blessed. Something i never realised as I was walking it.
The thing about Rhea is that she has become a best friend to me and a much needed sister. While some might argue that the "sister" title is not official, as she is Brad's sister and therefore my sister IN LAW, in my heart she is nothing short of a true sister. When I met Brad it turned out that not only did I gain the love of my life, but also a second family. I do have a "real sister" but talking about her is really a sad point for me as we have had our ups and downs. I don't want to go too much into her story as I need to respect her privacy but she struggles with an addiction and has consequently become a very mixed up and I believe very unwell young woman. There have been numerous events that have taken place between us and I really urge you all to try not to pass judgement when I tell you that not long ago I felt it was necessary to cut my ties with her. We are currently not in contact and the situation between us is not very positive I'm sorry to say. I don't want you all to think I don't care about her struggles because I really do and it is not a case of some seventh grade fight which has resulted in an "im not talking to you" kind of thing. Please believe me when I say that it was very hard to severe ties with her, that I do wish her well and want her to get better, that for many years my family and I have done nothing but pour our lives into trying to help her. In the end I had to think of my own family and my own sanity as the stress contributed to several health problems during my pregnancy with Nickie, and I had to move on with my life.
During all of this, Rhea has become the supportive sister that I have never had. She was also there for me during my struggle with infertility and I ended up also being able to be a supportive sister to her when she suffered a miscarriage with her first pregnancy last year. While Rhea has no health problems which restrict her fertility - the miscarriage was just one of those things - we have both been in a simalar position in that we felt very powerless over our situation at one time or another and that both of our stories involved a baby we so desperately wanted to have but couldn't. For both of us, pregnancy hasn't come easy and we talk at great lengths about this.
Today's conversation got me thinking, as we were speaking about how the two of us were finding it hard to shake the feeling of deja vu. She feels very haunted by the ghosts of her past pregnancy and is constantly being plagued by feelings of fear that things might turn out the same as last time. She is also finding it hard to stop comparing every little twinge, niggle and symptom to her previous pregnancy. I, on the other hand, am finding myself back on the IVF bandwagon so soon after being blessed with Nicholas. I planned to try to have another baby soon after having him but only because Brad and I know how long it could possibly take us to concieve. I also have to admit I never dreamed that we would do IVF again so soon because I guess I was clinging to the hope that once my body had achieved a pregnancy and "learnt how to be pregnant" that a natural conception might be not as hard as we thought the second time around. That's why so quickly after having Nickie I was doing pregnancy tests thinking I might honestly get a positive one! But now here we are back at the IVF clinic waiting to start not only round 2, but also our final round so soon.
Rhea said something along the lines of "in a way I am sorry that I had to go through a miscarriage because that baby never had the chance to live and be a family with us. Also it is making me apprehensive about this pregnancy and so I not feeling like I can be as excited as the average person. But on the other hand, I have learnt how precious life is. Even though that little baby didn't survive and I never got to meet it, I am honoured I had the oppurtunity to carry it and give it life and a home, even if only for such a short while. I am just as thankful for that pregnancy as I am for this one." I barely had a chance to think over these beautiful words which were spoken as Rhea held Nickie and looked at him with an expression of pure love and yearning, when she asked me a question: "would you change what you and Brad went through if you could?"
My answer surprised me. Before I knew what I was saying my mouth had closed around a single word: "No". But the more I thought about it the more it was obvious to me that I really wouldn't change any part of my journey thus far. Why? Well the answer is not so simple and has many facets to it. To start with, what Brad and I went through has taught us a lot. We have learnt lots about ourselves, about our marriage, about life and about the fact that nothing in the world is under our control. People wonder whether our experience has strengthened our love of our son since we worked so hard for him. I honestly don't know the answer to that as I have always loved children and been yearning for one of my own and so I really believe I would have been just as thrilled had Nickie fallen in my lap, but because he didn't fall in my lap I will never know how that would have felt. I do know though that like Rhea I too have learnt the value of life through my experience. I know without a doubt that it is an absolute honour to carry a human life and I will never stop feeling lucky that I had the chance to do it.
Another reason I am thankful for our journey is the wonderful people that we met during it, many of whom we probably would never have had the joy of knowing had Brad and I been just a regular fertile couple. There's our very thoughtful and compassionate doctor who not only was our initial specialist when we first began exploring the reason why we couldn't seem to get pregnant, but who also became our OB and ended up delivering Nickie. I will forever be so grateful to have had such a capable doctor looking after us. There's our IVF specialists who truly love what they do and who continue to be so supporting and encouraging towards our situation. There's Sara, our IVF nurse, who is truly a beautiful lady and who shared many a tough time and one very joyous time in particular with us both. There's the number of natural health professionals who we worked with along the way. All were genuinely caring and a true joy to know. Most of all though, there are the treasured friends we have met through sharing our experience of infertility. Beautiful souls who I have met while doing things like waiting in doctors offices and posting on online message boards. Each and every one of these people have been touched and affected by infertility in their own way and each are in my prayers every day.
The most important reason for not wanting to change anything is Nickie himself. At the time when we were living in the moment and experiencing the harsh reality that is infertility I never realised that with every disappointment we were moving closer to him. Every negative pregnancy test was one pregnancy test closer to the positive one that told me he was on his way. Every obstacle resulted in decisions and choices being made and steps being taken towards our son. The way I see it, the road to Nicholas was very bumpy and very broken but because it led to him, the whole time it was God blessed. Something i never realised as I was walking it.
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