Having a negative day

Hi everyone. Does anyone relate to me when I say that infertility consists of many different days - some negative and some positive? I am approaching my upcoming IVF treatment with emotions that swing from one extreme to the other. Some days are what i like to call "positive days" where I feel like nothing is going to come between me and a positive result. If making a baby could be achieved by just wanting one then I would be Octomum! I look at Nickie with such love and I just know in my heart of hearts that I will get to be a mum to another baby. Then there are days like today when I am just about ready to throw in the towel. Days when I feel very lost, very scared and very alone. I just wish I had a crystal ball!

Today I rang Rhea to ask her if my IVF cycle ends up being unsuccessful, could she and Paul please come and pick up the bassinet that is sitting in the corner of our bedroom, still put together from when Nickie slept in it. She was kind of taken aback and asked me didn't I want to put it away for awhile until I decide what to do with it for sure. She said her and Paul didn't mind going out and getting their own if I didn't feel like parting with it yet. I said no, that if we got a negative result, then I wanted it out of my house. I don't want it hanging around reminding me that there won't be any babies sleeping in it ever again. Most of all, if I have to start dealing with the fact that I'm not going to be a Mum again, then I want to start dealing with it properly. I don't want baby bits and pieces that Nickie has outgrown, hanging around and tempting me to cling to futile hope.

I feel so unprepared to say goodbye to having babies. I know, I know, I already have one. I know that. I'm thankful for that. But why does that have to be the end for me. Why can't I have lots of babies? Why can't I have a big family with lots of brothers and sisters for Nickie to play with? I feel so resentful today. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not over yet, we still have our embryo transfer to come. If it worked for us once then it can work again. But I think about hearing those words on the end of the phone in a few weeks that it hasn't worked and I wonder what I will do then. I came into this battle with the goal of being a mother and I achieved that, thank God! I have my precious little boy. I'm his mother and always will be. I won! So why does it still hurt so bad, and why do I feel like in a way I still lost? I don't understand myself.

Brad was wonderful to me this weekend. Here in Australia it is a long weekend for the Queen's Birthday holiday. I only work Monday's and Friday's and so that means I have a super long weekend because with Monday being a no work day I am not due back behind my desk till Friday. I'm glad as I feel I really need this chill out time. I am very tired, physically but mostly emotionally. I know this is hard on Brad having a moody wife so I really appreciated the fact that he seemed to throw himself into making this weekend what he called "mummy time". He wants me to be as relaxed as I can be so he has tried to help out with Nickie as much as possible. He also cooked a very very impressive dinner last night - ladies prepare to be jealous! He made chicken wellington with a prawn and white wine sauce and roast vegetables. No he is not a chef, both of us just really love to cook for each other. He really excelled himself. This afternoon Nickie had a super long afternoon nap so I curled up in bed with a good book for a couple of hours and chilled out while Brad did some vacuuming!

Brad came up with the beautiful suggestion that after the IVF is over, if it is unsuccessful we should throw ourselves into celebrating Nickie being here. He asked me how I felt about throwing him a Naming Day party. I really like the idea and the fact that it will give me something joyful to focus on. I especially appreciated it because Brad is not religious at all and really hates things like that. When I originally suggested a christening he said "no way" and so I suggested a naming day as an alternative but he wasn't really keen on that either. Obviously he is making an effort to do something that will make me happy and I love him for that.

Thursday is our ultrasound to check my uterus lining. We have decided that I will go by myself because it is a 5 minute thing and it seems pointless for Brad to take time off work to come, when if all goes to plan, he will have to take more time off next week for an embryo transfer. We don't want to upset his work too much, and I am a big girl and have done this before so that is the plan. As some of you might remember, we have not told anyone about the fact that we are undertaking IVF again except for Rhea and Paul. I was hoping, as Thursday is Rhea's day off that she would be able to watch Nickie for an hour while I went for my ultrasound. Unfortuneately though, she has an OB appointment and so she is understandabley busy. So it looks like Nickie will be accompanying Mummy to her ultrasound as I can't ask my mum to help out without explaining myself. I hope that he is a good boy! Maybe he will be like my own personal good luck charm. I hope so!