God bless the broken road...

Today after a beautiful morning with my two boys, the three of us headed out to Rhea and Paul's house because we had kindly been invited for lunch. While the "big boys" watched some football, Rhea and I took Nickie out with us and sat in the yard and had one of our heart to hearts.

The thing about Rhea is that she has become a best friend to me and a much needed sister. While some might argue that the "sister" title is not official, as she is Brad's sister and therefore my sister IN LAW, in my heart she is nothing short of a true sister. When I met Brad it turned out that not only did I gain the love of my life, but also a second family. I do have a "real sister" but talking about her is really a sad point for me as we have had our ups and downs. I don't want to go too much into her story as I need to respect her privacy but she struggles with an addiction and has consequently become a very mixed up and I believe very unwell young woman. There have been numerous events that have taken place between us and I really urge you all to try not to pass judgement when I tell you that not long ago I felt it was necessary to cut my ties with her. We are currently not in contact and the situation between us is not very positive I'm sorry to say. I don't want you all to think I don't care about her struggles because I really do and it is not a case of some seventh grade fight which has resulted in an "im not talking to you" kind of thing. Please believe me when I say that it was very hard to severe ties with her, that I do wish her well and want her to get better, that for many years my family and I have done nothing but pour our lives into trying to help her. In the end I had to think of my own family and my own sanity as the stress contributed to several health problems during my pregnancy with Nickie, and I had to move on with my life.

During all of this, Rhea has become the supportive sister that I have never had. She was also there for me during my struggle with infertility and I ended up also being able to be a supportive sister to her when she suffered a miscarriage with her first pregnancy last year. While Rhea has no health problems which restrict her fertility - the miscarriage was just one of those things - we have both been in a simalar position in that we felt very powerless over our situation at one time or another and that both of our stories involved a baby we so desperately wanted to have but couldn't. For both of us, pregnancy hasn't come easy and we talk at great lengths about this.

Today's conversation got me thinking, as we were speaking about how the two of us were finding it hard to shake the feeling of deja vu. She feels very haunted by the ghosts of her past pregnancy and is constantly being plagued by feelings of fear that things might turn out the same as last time. She is also finding it hard to stop comparing every little twinge, niggle and symptom to her previous pregnancy. I, on the other hand, am finding myself back on the IVF bandwagon so soon after being blessed with Nicholas. I planned to try to have another baby soon after having him but only because Brad and I know how long it could possibly take us to concieve. I also have to admit I never dreamed that we would do IVF again so soon because I guess I was clinging to the hope that once my body had achieved a pregnancy and "learnt how to be pregnant" that a natural conception might be not as hard as we thought the second time around. That's why so quickly after having Nickie I was doing pregnancy tests thinking I might honestly get a positive one! But now here we are back at the IVF clinic waiting to start not only round 2, but also our final round so soon.

Rhea said something along the lines of "in a way I am sorry that I had to go through a miscarriage because that baby never had the chance to live and be a family with us. Also it is making me apprehensive about this pregnancy and so I not feeling like I can be as excited as the average person. But on the other hand, I have learnt how precious life is. Even though that little baby didn't survive and I never got to meet it, I am honoured I had the oppurtunity to carry it and give it life and a home, even if only for such a short while. I am just as thankful for that pregnancy as I am for this one." I barely had a chance to think over these beautiful words which were spoken as Rhea held Nickie and looked at him with an expression of pure love and yearning, when she asked me a question: "would you change what you and Brad went through if you could?"

My answer surprised me. Before I knew what I was saying my mouth had closed around a single word: "No". But the more I thought about it the more it was obvious to me that I really wouldn't change any part of my journey thus far. Why? Well the answer is not so simple and has many facets to it. To start with, what Brad and I went through has taught us a lot. We have learnt lots about ourselves, about our marriage, about life and about the fact that nothing in the world is under our control. People wonder whether our experience has strengthened our love of our son since we worked so hard for him. I honestly don't know the answer to that as I have always loved children and been yearning for one of my own and so I really believe I would have been just as thrilled had Nickie fallen in my lap, but because he didn't fall in my lap I will never know how that would have felt. I do know though that like Rhea I too have learnt the value of life through my experience. I know without a doubt that it is an absolute honour to carry a human life and I will never stop feeling lucky that I had the chance to do it.

Another reason I am thankful for our journey is the wonderful people that we met during it, many of whom we probably would never have had the joy of knowing had Brad and I been just a regular fertile couple. There's our very thoughtful and compassionate doctor who not only was our initial specialist when we first began exploring the reason why we couldn't seem to get pregnant, but who also became our OB and ended up delivering Nickie. I will forever be so grateful to have had such a capable doctor looking after us. There's our IVF specialists who truly love what they do and who continue to be so supporting and encouraging towards our situation. There's Sara, our IVF nurse, who is truly a beautiful lady and who shared many a tough time and one very joyous time in particular with us both. There's the number of natural health professionals who we worked with along the way. All were genuinely caring and a true joy to know. Most of all though, there are the treasured friends we have met through sharing our experience of infertility. Beautiful souls who I have met while doing things like waiting in doctors offices and posting on online message boards. Each and every one of these people have been touched and affected by infertility in their own way and each are in my prayers every day.

The most important reason for not wanting to change anything is Nickie himself. At the time when we were living in the moment and experiencing the harsh reality that is infertility I never realised that with every disappointment we were moving closer to him. Every negative pregnancy test was one pregnancy test closer to the positive one that told me he was on his way. Every obstacle resulted in decisions and choices being made and steps being taken towards our son. The way I see it, the road to Nicholas was very bumpy and very broken but because it led to him, the whole time it was God blessed. Something i never realised as I was walking it.