Keeping secrets

Well we have finally been able to start our IVF cycle and I am feeling much more at peace now that we are in the midst of taking some action instead of just waiting and thinking about it. Things always seem much scarier in their lead up, I find, and then once you actually are able to do them I guess you feel more in control of the situation and therefore they often don't seem as bad. Even though I know I can't control the outcome, in a weird way it feels good to be talking on the phone to our IVF nurse, taking tablets and booking ultrasound appointments because at least I am doing something.

I have been feeling pretty good physically as well and have not had any of the strong side effects that I remember feeling on the medication last time. The process will go a little something like this for those of you that are not familiar with IVF: there will be no needles or surgery for me this time around as we already have our last frozen embryo ready to go. I am currently taking some medication at the moment to trick my body into thinking it's going to ovulate. They can't just put the embryo in at any old time, your body has to be ready to accept it and because the natural conception process takes place at ovulation, my body has to think it's at that stage when they do implant the embryo. I am needing to take this medication because I actually don't ovulate all that often with the condition I have, PCOS. On Thursday June 11 I will be attending my clinic for an ultrasound to check the medication is doing its job and that the lining of my uterus is getting appropriately thick for the embryo. If it is then the embryo transfer will be scheduled for a few days after that, and then I will face a 10-14 day wait for our results. That's the process in a nutshell for you and I hope the explanation made sense!

We have known for a short time that we would be starting an IVF cycle and therefore have been keeping the secret from our friends and family for a while, but if it makes sense, it didn't really feel like a secret because we hadn't officially started yet! Now that we have gone ahead I am starting to feel very guilty at all the sneaking around that we will be doing over the next few weeks. I spent Monday at work quietly whispering on the phone to our IVF nurse, discussing the plan of action and booking our ultrasound appointment and felt like I was doing something illegal.

The person I am most having issues with keeping secrets from is my Mum because we are very close. She babysits Nickie twice a week, on Mondays and Fridays when I work, and we often hang out during the week. Strangley enough, she is actually the reason why we decided to keep this cycle a secret which also makes me feel a little uneasy. It's not that Mum is a bad person, she is not at all, she is just extremely practical. Where as Brad and I are the sort of people who will make choices in a heartbeat when we know they are the right ones, my Mum is kind of scared of change and an absolute champion at procrastination. When she and my Dad decided to downsize their house a few years ago by selling their big house and moving to a little townhouse, Dad got very frustrated with her because she would love a particular property but would never want to put in an offer on it. I think she was so scared that the offer would actually be accepted and then they would actually have to move houses! haha

When I started to have some problems after having Nickie and I started seeing my specialists again I was told then to think about using the embryo soon. I knew from the start that my Mum would have reservations about us having a second baby so close to Nickie. She would be worried about our finances, my health, the fact that it would be a lot of work etc. I decided to broach the subject with her and test the waters and I must know her very well indeed because I was right on the money. Without even hearing me out, when I mentioned the possibilty of using embryo number two she actually laughed and told me how ridiculous those doctors were being even suggesting an idea so ludicrous. She told me how we would never get any sleep, that I would always be tired, that we would be broke seeing as I would have to quit work alltogether and how I should just be thankful for Nicholas and let the embryo go. I kind of shrugged the conversation off as if it was just a notion that had no chance of actually happening and changed the subject. Brad and I decided after that to go it alone.

Even though Mum wasn't exactly supportive, it still feels very wrong to be keeping something so huge from her and I know she will be shocked if and when the day comes that we tell her she is about to be a grandmother again and that we have done the IVF cycle without telling her. I hope she will take it ok and I hope I am not doing the wrong thing by not telling her. I spent the day with her today and took her out to lunch. Nickie sat in his pusher in the window of the cafe with his toy giraffe and watched all the cars and people pass us by with such a look of wonder that it touched both of our hearts. I found myself reaching out and touching his cheek and blurting out to my mum the hope that he would have a sibling one day and that I could be a Mum again. She stared at me and said "I know you love being a Mum, and you deserve to be one, but look at what you already have. How could you be unhappy or unsatisfied with someone so precious?" and she looked at him and smiled with the look on her face that it was all sorted. I felt really sick.

On a more positive note, Rhea and Paul have their 12 week ultrasound tomorrow. I am praying with my whole heart that everything will be ok for them and I'm sure it will be. They have already reached the 12 week milestone itself but couldn't get in for the ultrasound until tomorrow, which will be 13 weeks. We have invited them over for dinner tomorrow and I have a big bag of baby goodies to give them - things I have been collecting for them since their previous pregnancy. This will be the first chance that Rhea will have had to get excited about her pregnancy as because her previous one ended in a miscarriage she has understandably been keeping a lid on things so as not to get " jinxed". I want so much for her to have the happiness that comes with preparing for a baby. It was one of the happiest times in my life and something I wish that each and every person could have the pleasure of experiencing. I really hope that some of that fear and anxiety will be banished with this ultrasound, and the end of the first trimester, and that Rhea can start to feel more relaxed. Everyone please keep them in your thoughts.