The new blog....

is up and running so this will be the very last post here. I will leave this page up for awhile though for people to grab the new blog address. It is http://goodthingscomeinones.blogspot.com

Thankyou very much for supporting me on this blog and I hope to see you over at the new one.

A decision

Hi everyone. I have been thinking long and hard lately about what to do with my blog. There have been a few reasons for this so I would like to take you through them:

First of all, I started this blog under a pseudo name and used false names for my family members. I have spoken to many people about my decision to do this and most of you would be aware this is due to problems that I have with my sister. She has a lot of issues and her behaviour is worrying and we are estranged. So my main reason for using false names and wanting to protect our privacy was to to do with her. However, I made so many close friends through this blog. Some of you email with me regular and know my real name which I have shared with you privately. Even so, I still feel dishonest referring to myself as a different name when you all share so much of yourselves with the world.

Second, this blog was started to explore the issues I had with trying to have a second baby to add to my family. I love my son more than words can say and I just love children. I would love to have a zillion babies and I would love them all. But due to recent developments with my health it appears it might be time to move past the TTC stage of my life. My husband and I came to the decision long ago that IVF was too much for us. We wouldn't change what we went through for the world because it gave us our son. But the financial strain, emotional strain, physical strain took it's toll on our marriage and for awhile there we had a tough time. We always said that because of this we would use our embryos and once they were "used up" then that would be it for IVF. We ended up with two embryos. One was our son and the other was our baby that we lost through miscarriage. I thought I would be able to just try naturally and if it didn't happen well that was ok, but if it did then that would be amazing. But due to my PCOS I have been experiencing since my son was born, and more so after the miscarriage last July, very heavy bleeding which is depleting my iron levels and making me quite run down and sick. Any treatment for the bleeding would also act as a contraceptive and therefore I have been putting off the treatment. In the last week I have experienced the worst most extreme bleeding I have had so far to the point where I could not attend work, I was too sick walk around the house and I was so run down I could not pick up my son. This has been the final straw for me. It is not fair on my husband or my son or on me to put myself through all this for a baby that might never be a reality. I already have a child and it is time for him to have the best mummy he can have, rather than a sick one or a tired one. I love him so much and he deserves my all. So this Monday I am calling my doctor to see about getting the reccommended treatment which last time I spoke to him was a long term series of injections which will hopefully stop my periods for a few years. This will conclude my TTC journey at least for the next few years and so I feel it is time to move past the idea of "second time around". And yes I do feel a bit sad about this but I have been praying hard about this and I really feel that this is the direction God has moved me in. My husband and I feel that possibly in a few years down the road we would like to look at adoption to add to our family.

So my decision is that I am ending this blog. But it is not goodbye as I will be starting a new one, using my real name and moving in a new direction. I will be posting a new blog address once it is all up and running and I hope you will all join me by moving across to my new blog. And I hope you all understand my decision. So it is with great pleasure to have met you all and with so much thanks to you all for being my friends that I sign off tonight. Not as Paxton - but as my real name which is a lot simpler and less glamourous!

Love from Jo xoxoxo

News about Nickie

You might remember that Nickie has been having some trouble with his motor skills for the last few months and that we had him booked into both an eye specialist and a paediatrician. Well there have been some developments in the story. Just some background info about me, I was born with a turn in my right eye which was caused by the eye muscles not behaving. I am also very near sighted and have quite bad astigmatism. I had quite a few operations as a child trying to fix the muscles to correct the turn and help my eyesight. I have also worn glasses since I was younger than Nickie. As a result of this when Nickie was born I wanted his eyes checked by a specialist just to be sure they are ok. From my experience I have learnt that the younger a baby can be treated for eye conditions, the better the long term outlook is. He saw the eye specialist when he was 8 weeks old for the first time. By that time we thought that one of his eyes were turning in at different times briefly, but as it was not all the time we were not sure. The eye specialist thought it looked ok but wanted to monitor Nickie on a six monthly basis until he was older as he explained to me how when babies are little their eyes can move around freely until their muscles get stronger.

We then saw the specialist when Nickie was 6 months. Again the specialist said it was hard to tell what was going on with his eyes. He said that babies are born with the ability to correct their own vision quite well and that by age one or two they lose that ability and that perhaps we would have to wait longer until Nickie loses that ability and his eyes get a bit worse so we can see what is actually going on with them if anything. In the meantime the health nurse and Nickie's daycare brought up concerns that he is slow with his motor skills, so I booked him in to a paediatrician on their advice but always wondered if possibly it was all to do with his eye sight not being as it should.

The plan for this month was that Nickie was being assessed with his daycare to see if they could apply for extra funding so someone could come and work with Nickie on a one to one basis to help him in the areas he is behind. This was carried out the funding for the daycare was approved so starting this Monday he has someone coming to work with him. Then we were seeing the eye specialist Wed Feb 17 and the paed on Tues Feb 23 hoping to get some answers on what was causing the delay in his motor skills. At the eye specialist on Weds we got the answers. It turns out that Nickie suffers from a condition called Accommodative Esotropia. What this means in plain English is Nickie is far sighted which means he can see things just fine in the distance but is having trouble seeing things that are close to him. The turn in his eye we have noticed is not a muscle turn like mine it is just the eye struggling to focus and therefore every now and then it is turning in. The solution? My baby is getting glasses! Apparently once his glasses are on and the vision problems are taken care of the eye will no longer be struggling to focus and the turn should stop happening. Surgery is not an option to fix it as the problem is caused by Nickie's eyeball being made too short and there is no way to fix that.

I am pleased the problem is something so simple and we can easily fix it, and I am happy to know he will be feeling a lot more comfortable soon once his new glasses come. The only thing I am a little sad about is babies glasses really are not nice. They are big and bulky and have a big strap at the back to keep them on. Not trendy like adults glasses. Also they are hard to come by so the choice is not really there. After ringing 10 different places yesterday I finally located an optometrist that sells babies glasses and took Nickie to try some on. I had one choice of style and two choices of colour: pink or blue. Needless to say I went with blue. The lady there was so nice to me and gave me a little pep talk with how she realises they are not the best looking things but that if I just wait till he is 2 I will be amazed at the variety of choices I will have to pick from. She showed me some of the two year old glasses and she is not kidding - there are lots and they are very cute. I guess we just have to wait for him to be at an age where he can understand not to pull them off and break them and so he can also stop other kids from touching and breaking them. Also of course they are made of safe materials in case they get smashed or broken so he won't get hurt.

So there you have it. We still are seeing the paediatrician but not till May now so he has time to adjust to the glasses. And we go back to the eye specialist in 5 weeks.

An update among other things...

Ok so I raised the issue of the phones and the other things that have been bugging me with Brad. Thanks for all the wonderful advice I have received from you all, dear blogger friends! To be honest even though things have been better, I am still a little bit miffed at him and I don't feel like anything got fully resolved. I got so worked up trying to talk to him about how I was feeling. I tried to remain calm and keep it more like a helpful discussion rather than a roasting. But a few points he argued with me on and therefore we got a tad fired up. For example when I raised the issue of him not phoning my manager for me to tell her I was running late, he said I was at fault for that incident because if I had've gotten out of bed earlier I would not have been so rushed. To which I said (rather annoyed) that I already get up at 5.30am to get Nickie up and dressed, get myself up, showered, hair done and dressed, breakfast eaten (Nickie has breakfast at daycare), get Nickie's bag packed, get dinner in the slow cooker, put Nickie in the car and take him to daycare, then get myself to work by 8am. I then work 10 hours until 6 and then get home about 6.45pm. I said to him, how much earlier does he want me to get up? And maybe if he helped more in the mornings then I wouldn't be so rushed to fit it all in. All he does in a typical work day apart from doing his actual job is pick Nickie up from day care. While I appreciate that and it helps me, I feel I do a whole lot more. So that started arguement number 1. And so on....

Anyway, we did sort through a lot of stuff and he did see my side and has been helping more around the house. He didn't see my side at all with the phone issue and if the truth be known he kind of thought I was greedy for wanting one of HIS phones. Never mind that he has gotten a new car and the phones among other things to start this business meanwhile I still have my same old crappy prepaid phone that I have had for the last 5 years. I can't even read the screen on it to read text messages as it has a crack in it. So we will have to agree to disagree on that one.

Onto the business though, it's going pretty well. Brad has only been in operation as a driving instructor for a few days and already has 12 clients. A full book is 40 so he is over a quarter of the way there and that is promising. He is very happy with life at the moment. Today he is home with Nickie and I as the lessons he has booked for this week happen to be all later in the week except for a couple he did yesterday. It is nice to be with him in such a relaxed mood. So far as well his clients are happy with him and have been rebooking for more lessons. Nickie is enjoying having his dad around so much. Brad is coming to his swimming lesson with us on Thurs morning before doing lessons in the afternoon so we are looking forward to that as he has never seen Nickie swim yet.

Tomorrow Nickie has an eye specialist appointment as we are wondering whether that is the cause of the delay in his motor skills. I will keep your posted on that.

Have a great week everyone!

Am I being unreasonable?

I was really hurt and upset last night and it is something that has been brewing awhile and I realise may have had something to do with the rough patch I went through regarding Brad's career change. I don't begrudge him for changing careers and I am proud of all he has achieved and the fact he wants to make a great life for himself and for us. But he has also been showing signs of selfishness. I don't know if this is because he is caught up in the preparation of getting his business started and doesn't realise his behaviour. The last few weeks I feel I have been bending over backwards for him, trying to help him. He has called me when I have been out somewhere with Nickie and said "oh my gosh I forgot to take some papers with me this morning. They are on the kitchen table. Can you go home and get them and bring them to me." and I have dropped all of our plans and gone and done it because it is important to him. And it has not just been once or twice that things like that has happened. Many times he has called me with a job he would like me to do and I have done it.

Then on Friday I was running late taking Nickie to daycare because as we were walking out the door Nickie vomitted on himself and on me because he had gulped down his milk too fast. I had to redress us both. As I walked out the door a second time I explained to Brad that as it was 7.25am I was going to be late for work but that I could not call and tell them right now because my manager is not there till 7.45am. I asked if he could wait till 7.45am and give her a call and inform her I was on my way but had been detained. He said "sure no problem". I get to work half an hour late to find my manager in quite a state. She was not mad at me but more worried that I was late. She thought I might have been in an accident as she knew if I was ever late I would call. I told her Brad was supposed to call her and she said he didn't. I called Brad to ask him what was going on expecting him to feel terrible that he had forgotten. When I spoke to him there was no "oh my god thts right I was, supposed to call wasn't I?" it turned out he had not forgotten at all, he just decided he had not enough time to stop for 30secs and call because he was so busy that morning. I was so angry and hurt and I let quite a bit of it out on to him. I said I had been running around putting my plans on hold for weeks doing things for him. Just that morning before I had gone and got his favourite watch fixed just off my own bat without him asking because I know he loves it. I told him I took offence to after all that him feeling he had not enough time to do one little thing for me. That incident has since blown over but has stuck in my mind.

Yesterday he comes home from work (he still has till the end of the week at the old job) with a new phone. I was totally ok with that because we both have crappy 7 year old prepaid phones and he really does need a reliable phone for work because he needs to carry it all the time and call students on it. I ask him what phone did he get, what features did it have? etc. He shows me that the shop had a deal where you pay $50 a month and you get $1000 worth of calls and TWO phones. Between the two of you (its designed for a couple to use it) the $1000 of calls is shared between the two accounts and calls between the two phones are free. My eyes lit up and I said "oh wow! So I have a groovy new phone too! Thanks so much honey, did you want the red or the white one?" and his face drops and he explains that the second phone is not for me, he wants to keep it in the cupboard in case he needs a spare. I was dumbfounded and really upset. I didn't yell or anything I just kind of went quiet and didn't say anything and then went off to bed. I shed a few tears in bed as I was just so amazed by his selfishness. Here I am with an old crappy phone which I have never in my life complained about. I hardly ever have spare money to buy credit for it and so here I am driving around with Nickie and no phone to call anyone on if the car breaks down etc. Yet I am not allowed to use his phone that he is paying for credit on anyway because he wants it to sit in the cupboard and not get used in case HE gets stuck. Am I being stupid to feel so upset about this?

I'm still alive!

Hi all. I'm back in the swing of things and ready to blog again. Please know I have been keeping updated on reading all your blogs. I mentioned in my last post that I was taking a beat from blogging due to a "rough patch". Well let me elaborate...it was nothing to do with babies or anything like that. You might remember me mentioning that Brad recently finished his study and qualified as a driving instructor and was going for a job at a driving school. Well it was a long interview process. Parts of it were formal face to face interview and other parts of it were like "auditions" out on the road where he would take lessons and be graded. Well a few weeks ago we were told that he had been successful and he had gotten the position at the school. I am so proud of him because not to brag but it is the most well known driving school in the state and very hard to get a position there. And my hubby managed to do it fresh out of school. So why have I been going through a tough time you ask?

Well since the miscarriage you also might remember I had some trouble with anxiety? It has settled down a lot since but unfortunately it reared its ugly head again during this period I guess because of all the stress involved when your husband is changing his career. I haven't been sleeping well and then have been having to get out of bed and be a mum to Nickie which is hard to do on no sleep. That consequently has been making me more stressed and it has become a vicious cycle. Because Brad is going to be essentially self employed (the school will be contracting him to work on their behalf and he will be paying them a commision) there have been a lot of start up costs which have got me stressing about our finances. We have had to buy a car and get it fitted out with dual control pedals and pay for insurance. On top of that I have been worrying about what if he doesn't get enough work to pay for the repayments on the car and the commision payments to the school? Also the position the school is offering him is for over the other side of town. We have always planned on moving to a bigger house someday as the house we are in is quite pokey but I never planned on moving so far away so that has been upsetting me too. Brad says don't worry about that now as if I really don't want to move he is happy to commute and if I do want to move well it will be another year or two away till he is more set up anyway. Easier said than done though when you are a worrywart like me.

Anyway just wanted to let you all know I am completely ok, just a little frazzled. Hopefully I'll be a better blogger from now on. And thanks to those that commented and emailled to wish me well. You guys are the best.

Sorry guys

This is a really quick one to let you all know I am finding it a bit hard to write at the moment. I don't really know why as nothing specific has happened but am just going through a bit of a rough patch. Please know I am reading all your blogs and I look forward to writing some more soon when things pick up.

Gone but not forgotten

This title describes a lot of things in my life so far. I'm reminded as I approach Nickie's 1st birthday on Saturday, of what I was doing this time last year. I was in hospital feeling pretty sick, awaiting the arrival of my much anticipated baby boy. As I reflect on that time of my life, despite the fact that I was sick and (at the time) pretty miserable due to vomitting about 1200 times a day, when I look back now I feel nothing but joy. I am so blessed to be one of the lucky ones who fought the tough battle of infertility and won. I am blown away by how great God is when I think of how special Nickie is and how he has become such a huge part of both Brad and my life. Everytime he smiles or laughs or cuddles into me I thank God. Whenever there is a special occassion like Christmas or a birthday and I realise he is here to share it with us, again I praise God. I remember all the funny cravings I had while pregnant, the baths I used to take that would make Nickie kick so my whole belly wobbled. I remember lying in bed in hospital the night before Nickie was born. His foot was digging right into the side of my belly and I put my hand down to touch it and could feel each individual toe. I feel so honoured to be the mother of such a miracle. Those precious days seem so long gone now as my boy prepares to turn one, yet they are still so fresh in my mind and will never be forgotten.

As I think about the arrival of Nickie, I am reminded of my other little baby who I never got to meet. This baby is still just as special to me and I still feel just as honoured to be his or her mother. I can't help but feel sad at the thought that had I not lost this baby, I would be anxiously awaiting its arrival this coming March and experiencing so many of the magical moments of pregnancy (and probably the not so magical ones!) for a second time. I do my best to focus on the small blessings though. There are many things in our lives that are happening now which would not be happening if I were pregnant. Brad is so happy right now - the happiest I have seen him for a long time - with his career change. We are finally getting ahead in our finances after spending so much of our resources on medical treatments. I am just starting to get past the yearning and the hoping every month that my period won't show up and am trying to move forward with a sense of acceptance that we may have reached life after TTC. I haven't fully got there but it's getting easier. Brad came out with a comment over Christmas that he would love to have another child with me one day so maybe if we couldn't do it "the old fashioned way" would I like to adopt or foster a child? This is a complete turn around for him as he had always been dead against that for different reasons. So there is hope for us in the future being parents again. It is not something I am ready to look into now however. I know whatever happens though, the little baby who appears gone will in fact always be with me. I will always miss it and always love it and always wish it were here with me.

Lastly there is my struggle with infertility. My new year's resolution was to embrace life and try new things so I decided to take a small step and join a pilates class. I have always wanted to do it and have always chickened out. I start in February. It was this small step which made me suddenly realise just how much I have let infertility hold me back in life. I never realised how much it has dented my confidence and my self esteem, and how much this has overflowed and tarnished other areas of my life. From tiny things like not having the courage to try pilates all the way to big things like doubting my ability as a mother and a wife. I am sick of being afraid. I guess when we go through infertility we learn to be afraid and we learn that fear is a way of life. We take the good and learn to look for the downside. I realise I have gotten too used to doing this. I guess old habits die hard and once the infertile label is lifted, while that label is gone, we find it hard to "forget to be afraid". I have decided I don't want to be "infertile" anymore and I am going to stop thinking of myself as such. Instead I will think of myself as Nickie's mother and Brad's wife: one completely lucky woman who takes pilates classes!

Happy New Year and a few more things...

Hello 2010! It's a brand new year which is making me think about resolutions and fresh starts. To top it of we had something very sad happen at work. We came back yesterday for the Xmas/New year break to find that a man we worked with passed away over the holiday period. He was not actually a work colleague, but we deal with alot of external companies on the phone and he was someone we would speak to constantly on the phone from one of those organisations. Even though we knew him we didn't really "know" him but he was just someone that was always there on the other end of that phone so it feels very sad to know that he died. He was only 41 and apparently quite fit. He was driving his car on New Years Eve and had a massive heart attack while behind the wheel. He was alone in the car, the vehicle drifted off the road and into a ditch and the man driving behind him happened to be a doctor so he pulled over to see what was going on and try to help but he had already passed away. I feel very sorry for his family for whom the incident must have come as a total shock.

This just goes to show that life is short and we don't know when it will end. We need to make each second count. My resolution this year is to do that - to really embrace my opportunities and try new things, and to be thankful for what I have and try not to worry so much about what I don't. I am also going to try to put more trust in God. I guess from our IVF days we are so used to trying to take control. Go to this doctor, try that treatment, if that doesn't work go to this doctor etc. Now it has kind of carried over into my whole life and I try and control every problem. I need to trust that God has got it covered and fully give those problems that pop up straight over to Him and trust that He knows the answers. That's the plan anyway. So here goes for 2010! May it be a wonderful year for us all.

Nickie's first birthday is fast approaching on the 16th of Jan and I can't believe my baby boy is nearly one year old. We are planning a little lunch for him on that day just with close family as he only recently had his Naming Day in October so we have exhausted all party funds haha. The fact he is "growing up"is making me reflect on the beautiful time we have spent together this year. From the first few days when he made his appearance as this little person full of sleep, to the spunky little individual he is now. It makes me very proud. I feel so very blessed that what feels like so long ago, that little embryo held on and became our son, and we have so many wonderful years stretching ahead of us to spend together and enjoy him. Thankyou God! I am so grateful he is in our lives today.

My 27th birthday is sneaking up too - four days after Nickie's on the 20th of Jan. But we won't talk about that haha. In all seriousness though I am looking forward to it. Last year I was in hospital after having Nickie, which of course was a wonderful thing except for the "being in hospital on your birthday" part. Brad has a few plans for the day this year, judging from the sly phone calls he has been making. I am really looking forward to it.

Lastly I have been thinking a lot lately about ending this blog and starting up a new private one so that I don't have to be so discreet about myself. I can use our real names and show you photos etc. It's just a thought it's not set in stone and I of course will give you all access to it. I know I am open about the fact that the names I use are not our real ones, but it still seems dishonest in some ways but unfortuneately is necessary if my blog is public because of the situation with my sister. Can I please get your thoughts on this so I can get an idea with if it will work? The only thing which prevents me from being totally enthusiastic about the private blog idea is the fact that I feel so blessed to meet you all and I wonder if making it private would close the door to meeting other friends in the future. Hmmm

Take care everyone and Happy New Year!