A decision

Hi everyone. I have been thinking long and hard lately about what to do with my blog. There have been a few reasons for this so I would like to take you through them:

First of all, I started this blog under a pseudo name and used false names for my family members. I have spoken to many people about my decision to do this and most of you would be aware this is due to problems that I have with my sister. She has a lot of issues and her behaviour is worrying and we are estranged. So my main reason for using false names and wanting to protect our privacy was to to do with her. However, I made so many close friends through this blog. Some of you email with me regular and know my real name which I have shared with you privately. Even so, I still feel dishonest referring to myself as a different name when you all share so much of yourselves with the world.

Second, this blog was started to explore the issues I had with trying to have a second baby to add to my family. I love my son more than words can say and I just love children. I would love to have a zillion babies and I would love them all. But due to recent developments with my health it appears it might be time to move past the TTC stage of my life. My husband and I came to the decision long ago that IVF was too much for us. We wouldn't change what we went through for the world because it gave us our son. But the financial strain, emotional strain, physical strain took it's toll on our marriage and for awhile there we had a tough time. We always said that because of this we would use our embryos and once they were "used up" then that would be it for IVF. We ended up with two embryos. One was our son and the other was our baby that we lost through miscarriage. I thought I would be able to just try naturally and if it didn't happen well that was ok, but if it did then that would be amazing. But due to my PCOS I have been experiencing since my son was born, and more so after the miscarriage last July, very heavy bleeding which is depleting my iron levels and making me quite run down and sick. Any treatment for the bleeding would also act as a contraceptive and therefore I have been putting off the treatment. In the last week I have experienced the worst most extreme bleeding I have had so far to the point where I could not attend work, I was too sick walk around the house and I was so run down I could not pick up my son. This has been the final straw for me. It is not fair on my husband or my son or on me to put myself through all this for a baby that might never be a reality. I already have a child and it is time for him to have the best mummy he can have, rather than a sick one or a tired one. I love him so much and he deserves my all. So this Monday I am calling my doctor to see about getting the reccommended treatment which last time I spoke to him was a long term series of injections which will hopefully stop my periods for a few years. This will conclude my TTC journey at least for the next few years and so I feel it is time to move past the idea of "second time around". And yes I do feel a bit sad about this but I have been praying hard about this and I really feel that this is the direction God has moved me in. My husband and I feel that possibly in a few years down the road we would like to look at adoption to add to our family.

So my decision is that I am ending this blog. But it is not goodbye as I will be starting a new one, using my real name and moving in a new direction. I will be posting a new blog address once it is all up and running and I hope you will all join me by moving across to my new blog. And I hope you all understand my decision. So it is with great pleasure to have met you all and with so much thanks to you all for being my friends that I sign off tonight. Not as Paxton - but as my real name which is a lot simpler and less glamourous!

Love from Jo xoxoxo