Hi everyone. It's Monday night and I am sitting here at 10.45pm writing leisurely knowing that it's the start of what I call my "weekend". I work every Monday and Friday. I know that means that I have Saturday and Sunday off like everyone else but I seem to love the feeling of finishing up work on a Monday evening and knowing I have my mid week days off ahead. Somehow it feels even better to have days off when I know everyone else is working hahaha. Kind of like forbidden fruit and how it is always supposed to taste sweeter!
I am really looking forward to this Sunday as it is Father's Day here, which I think I mentioned last post. I asked Brad what he wanted to do and he said that he wants to take Nickie to the zoo! I think he is a bit young but I think the day will be fun so I have happily agreed and am looking forward to it. It was also Brad's birthday last Friday so he has had a lot of pampering lately. We had a little lunch for him yesterday with Rhea and Paul and had a lot of fun. I dressed Nickie up in a really cool outfit in honour of it being Daddy's "party". He wore these little skinny jeans and a long sleeved tee with a short sleeved shirt over the top. He really did look so adorable.
The plans are in full swing for Nickie's naming day celebration which will be on Oct 4. I wanted to have a "naming day cake" and assumed I would visit our local bakery and get a simple one with maybe his name written on it. Brad on the other hand has seen the most lavish cake on the internet. It is a giant green dinsosaur and it is very spectacular and very expensive. Brad is convinced that is the cake we should have! I am trying to explain that it is a waste of money because Nickie won't even be eating any of it (he has not one tooth yet!) but Brad thinks we should indulge and have a cool cake and that Nickie will like it. I tried to compromise and suggest we get the Humpty Dumpty one that they also make as it is less expensive and probably more appropriate for a Naming Day. Apparently though Brad has "spoken with Nickie and he wants the dinosaur". I have a feeling these boys will overule me!
On Friday my Assistant manager will be working her last day before leaving on Maternity Leave for a year. You might remember my manager left on Maternity leave recently too? It has been babies everywhere at my work for awhile. Another collegue had a baby 3 months ago. Since I had Nickie in Jan and both my manager and assistant manager are due in Oct, that makes four births in my team at work this year. The Department manager says he will be replacing our water dispenser so we stop getting pregnant and going on leave as he is losing all his staff to motherhood! We have a shower planned for Cathy - the assistant manager - for her last day and I have found myself getting apprehensive about it. It is really strange to me that even though I am a mother and have my beautiful Nickie, that infertility and the miscarriage still really hurt and still make it hard for me to deal with things like baby showers. It seems incredibly selfish to me and I can't explain it. I see Cathy's belly and hear her getting excited about going on maternity leave and preparing for her approaching arrival, getting nervous about the birth, all that stuff and I do honestly feel happy for her, but at the same time I feel awful to admit that sometimes I find myself feeling sad for myself. I remind myself that I have had all of those wonderful things. I have had the lovely belly and the maternity clothes and the shower and the maternity leave. I have had the kicks coming from my belly and the cravings and the excitement of going to ultrasounds. But i loved it so much it hurts that I will never have all that again. So many people get to do it two or three times. I feel like a spoilt child but I want all that again. I want Nickie to have it too - for him to be a big brother. Part of the reason we decided to have a naming day for Nickie was because it feels so easy for both Brad and I to focus on feeling sad about all we have lost with the recent miscarriage. We don't want to do that though because really we are lucky. We don't want to remember what we have lost, we want to celebrate what we have gained. We are lucky to have our precious son and we know that every second of every day. But I guess we shouldn't expect that to take away the hurt at the baby that went to heaven instead of into our arms.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Just bits and pieces...
UPDATE - Almost forgot to add I am so slack and should have done this ages ago but thanks to Tammy for my award. It's because she things I have a "lovely blog" which means a lot coming from someone with such a lovely blog herself (and lovely heart!). I would like to tag Sandra to pass on this award. Her blog is very witty and insightful and makes me laugh and smile. Enjoy!
ONTO TODAY'S POST -
I decided to get an early night tonight. Nickie was exhausted and went to bed about 6.30pm, I had a roast in the slow cooker so Brad and I had dinner shortly after. I got in the bath to have some relaxation time and afterwards I was feeling that warm fuzzy tired feeling so in to bed I climbed and fell into a delightful sleep just after 8pm. Brad was still up doing this and that - sending some emails, calling his parents who are in the middle of a trip around Australia etc.
Next thing I know I am getting woken up by Brad tapping me saying "Pax......Pax are you awake?" I felt like I had been asleep for hours but it had only been about 40min. I grumbled that yes I was awake and asked what was the matter. The problem turned out to be that Brad had finished all his errands and was bored because I was asleep. He wanted to know did I want to watch a movie! I said no thankyou and that I was too tired and tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but Brad kept trying to start a conversation with me. After awhile, when I was well and truly awake I joined the conversation and was in the middle of telling Brad a story about something that happened to me at work the other day when I look over and realise he has gone to sleep! Now I'm the one who is awake and can't sleep!!! GRRRR haha
Today I took my little man to get Pixi Fotos done. Don't know if those of you not in Australia will know what they are. Basically Pixi Fotos is a professional photography company that is quite popular for baby/kids/family photos. Just about every person here owns a Pixi Foto of themselves as a kid. It was very exciting to take Nickie to get his done. He was so good and well behaved. Didn't cry, didn't spew, smiled and laughed at all the right times. They were very taken with him at the studio and I was very proud. The photos of him turned out sooooo gorgeous. They took some classic poses and then they also took some candid ones that were simalar to the Anne Geddes style. For example they dressed him up in a chef's hat and sat him in a cooking pot and took photos and cute things like that. He was just adorable.
I could have purchased the whole lot but I had to be restrained and stick to our budget as the photos are pretty expensive. Brad was going to come but he woke up pretty sick this morning with what we thought was the start of a migraine and so Nickie and I went on our own. It would have been good to have him there to help me choose as there were so many wonderful shots. I spent a little bit more than what we had budgeted because I couldn't help myself! I justified it because we had not yet chosen Father's Day presents for my Dad and Brad's Dad so I thought a framed photo each of Nickie would be a great present with some nice chocolates or something. Both Grandpas love him to pieces and I know they would think it was a really special gift. So the extra money I spent was just money I would have spent on Father's Day gifts.
Speaking of Father's Day, Brad is so looking forward to his first one. Last year I was pregnant and I wrote him a card from the baby in my tummy. It is so hard to believe that our little man is now here and so grown up. I have had his present planned for months, I took a whole heap of photos of Nickie in the bath recently doing all different things and they turned out to be gorgeous photos and Brad was really taken with them. So I picked three of them and had them enlarged and then took them to the framers and got one big long framed print made of the three shots in a row. It kind of looks like an "action sequence". The frame I got was beautiful too it's that dark chocolate wood. I really hope he likes it. What makes things even nicer is my little boy can now say "DaDaDa.." and while we were in the framers choosing everything he was yelling it out at the top of his lungs. I will have to tell Brad when I give it to him, that Nickie came with me to choose it all and must have known we were getting a present for "DaDa".
Have a great week everyone!
ONTO TODAY'S POST -
I decided to get an early night tonight. Nickie was exhausted and went to bed about 6.30pm, I had a roast in the slow cooker so Brad and I had dinner shortly after. I got in the bath to have some relaxation time and afterwards I was feeling that warm fuzzy tired feeling so in to bed I climbed and fell into a delightful sleep just after 8pm. Brad was still up doing this and that - sending some emails, calling his parents who are in the middle of a trip around Australia etc.
Next thing I know I am getting woken up by Brad tapping me saying "Pax......Pax are you awake?" I felt like I had been asleep for hours but it had only been about 40min. I grumbled that yes I was awake and asked what was the matter. The problem turned out to be that Brad had finished all his errands and was bored because I was asleep. He wanted to know did I want to watch a movie! I said no thankyou and that I was too tired and tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but Brad kept trying to start a conversation with me. After awhile, when I was well and truly awake I joined the conversation and was in the middle of telling Brad a story about something that happened to me at work the other day when I look over and realise he has gone to sleep! Now I'm the one who is awake and can't sleep!!! GRRRR haha
Today I took my little man to get Pixi Fotos done. Don't know if those of you not in Australia will know what they are. Basically Pixi Fotos is a professional photography company that is quite popular for baby/kids/family photos. Just about every person here owns a Pixi Foto of themselves as a kid. It was very exciting to take Nickie to get his done. He was so good and well behaved. Didn't cry, didn't spew, smiled and laughed at all the right times. They were very taken with him at the studio and I was very proud. The photos of him turned out sooooo gorgeous. They took some classic poses and then they also took some candid ones that were simalar to the Anne Geddes style. For example they dressed him up in a chef's hat and sat him in a cooking pot and took photos and cute things like that. He was just adorable.
I could have purchased the whole lot but I had to be restrained and stick to our budget as the photos are pretty expensive. Brad was going to come but he woke up pretty sick this morning with what we thought was the start of a migraine and so Nickie and I went on our own. It would have been good to have him there to help me choose as there were so many wonderful shots. I spent a little bit more than what we had budgeted because I couldn't help myself! I justified it because we had not yet chosen Father's Day presents for my Dad and Brad's Dad so I thought a framed photo each of Nickie would be a great present with some nice chocolates or something. Both Grandpas love him to pieces and I know they would think it was a really special gift. So the extra money I spent was just money I would have spent on Father's Day gifts.
Speaking of Father's Day, Brad is so looking forward to his first one. Last year I was pregnant and I wrote him a card from the baby in my tummy. It is so hard to believe that our little man is now here and so grown up. I have had his present planned for months, I took a whole heap of photos of Nickie in the bath recently doing all different things and they turned out to be gorgeous photos and Brad was really taken with them. So I picked three of them and had them enlarged and then took them to the framers and got one big long framed print made of the three shots in a row. It kind of looks like an "action sequence". The frame I got was beautiful too it's that dark chocolate wood. I really hope he likes it. What makes things even nicer is my little boy can now say "DaDaDa.." and while we were in the framers choosing everything he was yelling it out at the top of his lungs. I will have to tell Brad when I give it to him, that Nickie came with me to choose it all and must have known we were getting a present for "DaDa".
Have a great week everyone!
Monday, August 17, 2009
A sad story
Something took place in my school life when I was about 6 (20 years ago) that I don't talk about with many people. Brad and I have discussed it briefly once or twice but that is about it. I warn that this is quite an upsetting story. A little boy who was in my class in Grade 1, who was my desk mate (we sat in double desks) was killed tragically. His sister was in the class below and she was killed in the same incident. A lot of my memory of this time is very hazy but I do remember parts of the day of the tragedy. Only parts though.
I remember it was a Sunday. It was hot and it was December. It was a school day the next day but it would be the start of the last week of school before we would break up for summer holiday. In Australia our big school holiday starts just before Christmas in December and we just have a short break in June, because our seasons are the reverse order from the States of course. My family had a pool and were lounging around outside in it to escape the heat. At one stage I believe my sister and I ventured out on our bikes to buy ice cream. Everyone in our street somewhere around the afternoon began to become aware that there was a lot of smoke becoming apparent in the air. Before long you could see and smell it strongly and we heard a house was on fire nearby.
Speculation was gathering about what street the house was in and we saw choppers in the sky which I assume now were possibly news or police choppers. I remember seeing the news report on TV saying that a house had been completely gutted in our suburb. It described how a man had run from the house and that a search of the rubble had revealed the bodies of the two children. It also mentioned that the identity of the children was not confirmed but that they were thought to be students of the school that my sister and I both attended. I don't remember that much else.
The next day we arrived at school with apprehension and all I remember is the whole school being called to assembly where we were informed that "P" (my deskmate) and his sister "L" were the two children who had died in the fire that had occurred the day before. I don't remember exactly what we were told but I know it was minimal details. I don't know when more pieces of the puzzle started to come to light, whether it was a gradual relisation as I got older or whether it was through information that I picked up from the adult conversations that no doubt must have taken place around me, but somewhere along the line I began to understand that it was not just a regular house fire. The incident was actually an attempt at a murder- suicide by the children's father because of an ongoing custody dispute that was happening with himself and the children's mother.
I have thought about those two children a lot over the last twenty years at different times. Whenever a simalar story comes up in the news about a murder-suicide I remember those kids. When it is that hot time of year just before Christmas I often think of them. Since having Nickie I have thought about them even more for some reason because I now realise how horrific the prospect of losing a child is. Whereas I used to have grief for the children now I also have it for their mother. For all these years I have never known what exactly took place or what the kids went through. I have always assumed that their deaths were the result of the deliberately lit fire, that the father had intentionally lit in order to cause the deaths of all three of them, although as I grew up I did realise that deep down this was probably not true, however I didn't really want to know the details and just found it easier to believe it was the fire. Yesterday, however I came across an article on the net completely by mistake.
I found an old classmate of mine on Facebook and chatting to her yesterday prompted me to randomly google my school name just to see what popped up. I never even thought of this tragedy when I did it as I purely just wanted to see if my school had a website so I could see if it has changed much in all that time. Well my school did have a website, but the link that came up on google as the second search result caught my eye when I saw "P" and "L" mentioned along with the name of my teacher at the time this all took place. Curiosity took over and without thinking I clicked and read the article. It was regarding the fact that this teacher, Mrs C. apparently felt very overwhelmed with how to get her class through this terrible time. Apparently there were not the resourses available for counselling and so forth and tragedies like this happened much less back in 1989. She had to just go with her gut and look after us as best she could and the experience has prompted her to recently write a book on how to help kids cope with grief. The article I found was an interview with her that a teaching journal had published. During the interview the comment was made that obviously the murders had affected her deeply for her to write this book all these years later (the book was published in 2004). She said that yes they had deeply traumatised her due to the gruesome nature of what took place.
She then proceeded to go through a run down of events of how the crime was planned and carried out. She explained that she and the mother of the kids became very close and are still friends to this day and that's how she came to know so much information about how awful it was. I am not going to go into detail about how the kids died because it is distressing. But this horrible knowledge is really weighing heavy on my heart. To think what that mother must have been through and must still be dealing with 20 years later. The whole thing was calculated and carried out to inflict the maximum pain upon the mother. The father must have really wanted her to feel pain and loss. I also think about the father too with a lot of pity rather than hate which is surprising. He intended to die along with the kids, and leave behind all that devastation. The fire was his attempt at suicide, the kids had passed before the fire was lit. But when the house got so hot he got scared and ran into the street in a panic and couldn't go through with it. This act of cowardice makes me see him as less of a monster and more as a human being who at their weakest point did the worst and most despicable thing ever. I don't know what happened to him. The article didn't mention it, other than to say he survived. I don't even know his name. I wonder if he is in jail. I know it sounds crazy but I wonder if he has come out the other side of the haze that made him go on this rampage and whether the reality of what he did haunts him. I wonder if he has fear about when he has to face God one day.
I don't know where the children's mother is now. I don't know if she still lives in the area or if she moved away, although the fact Mrs C is still in touch with her indicates she is still local to some extent. I wonder if she got remarried and had more kids? I wish there was some way for her to know that somewhere out there is a class mate of her little boy's that still remembers him a lot. There have been times after having Nickie when I have been up with him in the middle of the night feeding him and something has made me think of those kids and I have sat there and held my boy and prayed they were ok and not feeling suffering and that they were watching over their mother.
To the mother, "C" : I hope you are ok. I hope you know that people still remember your precious children from all those years ago and that they are still prayed for. I pray for your peace.
I am really sorry guys as I know this is an awful story. It is just something that is on my heart that I had to get out. Please note as well that I have referred to the people involved with initials as I think it is appropriate to keep the privacy of those involved in tact. I hope you will join me in saying a few prayers for these angels who continue to touch me all these years later and for their mother.
I remember it was a Sunday. It was hot and it was December. It was a school day the next day but it would be the start of the last week of school before we would break up for summer holiday. In Australia our big school holiday starts just before Christmas in December and we just have a short break in June, because our seasons are the reverse order from the States of course. My family had a pool and were lounging around outside in it to escape the heat. At one stage I believe my sister and I ventured out on our bikes to buy ice cream. Everyone in our street somewhere around the afternoon began to become aware that there was a lot of smoke becoming apparent in the air. Before long you could see and smell it strongly and we heard a house was on fire nearby.
Speculation was gathering about what street the house was in and we saw choppers in the sky which I assume now were possibly news or police choppers. I remember seeing the news report on TV saying that a house had been completely gutted in our suburb. It described how a man had run from the house and that a search of the rubble had revealed the bodies of the two children. It also mentioned that the identity of the children was not confirmed but that they were thought to be students of the school that my sister and I both attended. I don't remember that much else.
The next day we arrived at school with apprehension and all I remember is the whole school being called to assembly where we were informed that "P" (my deskmate) and his sister "L" were the two children who had died in the fire that had occurred the day before. I don't remember exactly what we were told but I know it was minimal details. I don't know when more pieces of the puzzle started to come to light, whether it was a gradual relisation as I got older or whether it was through information that I picked up from the adult conversations that no doubt must have taken place around me, but somewhere along the line I began to understand that it was not just a regular house fire. The incident was actually an attempt at a murder- suicide by the children's father because of an ongoing custody dispute that was happening with himself and the children's mother.
I have thought about those two children a lot over the last twenty years at different times. Whenever a simalar story comes up in the news about a murder-suicide I remember those kids. When it is that hot time of year just before Christmas I often think of them. Since having Nickie I have thought about them even more for some reason because I now realise how horrific the prospect of losing a child is. Whereas I used to have grief for the children now I also have it for their mother. For all these years I have never known what exactly took place or what the kids went through. I have always assumed that their deaths were the result of the deliberately lit fire, that the father had intentionally lit in order to cause the deaths of all three of them, although as I grew up I did realise that deep down this was probably not true, however I didn't really want to know the details and just found it easier to believe it was the fire. Yesterday, however I came across an article on the net completely by mistake.
I found an old classmate of mine on Facebook and chatting to her yesterday prompted me to randomly google my school name just to see what popped up. I never even thought of this tragedy when I did it as I purely just wanted to see if my school had a website so I could see if it has changed much in all that time. Well my school did have a website, but the link that came up on google as the second search result caught my eye when I saw "P" and "L" mentioned along with the name of my teacher at the time this all took place. Curiosity took over and without thinking I clicked and read the article. It was regarding the fact that this teacher, Mrs C. apparently felt very overwhelmed with how to get her class through this terrible time. Apparently there were not the resourses available for counselling and so forth and tragedies like this happened much less back in 1989. She had to just go with her gut and look after us as best she could and the experience has prompted her to recently write a book on how to help kids cope with grief. The article I found was an interview with her that a teaching journal had published. During the interview the comment was made that obviously the murders had affected her deeply for her to write this book all these years later (the book was published in 2004). She said that yes they had deeply traumatised her due to the gruesome nature of what took place.
She then proceeded to go through a run down of events of how the crime was planned and carried out. She explained that she and the mother of the kids became very close and are still friends to this day and that's how she came to know so much information about how awful it was. I am not going to go into detail about how the kids died because it is distressing. But this horrible knowledge is really weighing heavy on my heart. To think what that mother must have been through and must still be dealing with 20 years later. The whole thing was calculated and carried out to inflict the maximum pain upon the mother. The father must have really wanted her to feel pain and loss. I also think about the father too with a lot of pity rather than hate which is surprising. He intended to die along with the kids, and leave behind all that devastation. The fire was his attempt at suicide, the kids had passed before the fire was lit. But when the house got so hot he got scared and ran into the street in a panic and couldn't go through with it. This act of cowardice makes me see him as less of a monster and more as a human being who at their weakest point did the worst and most despicable thing ever. I don't know what happened to him. The article didn't mention it, other than to say he survived. I don't even know his name. I wonder if he is in jail. I know it sounds crazy but I wonder if he has come out the other side of the haze that made him go on this rampage and whether the reality of what he did haunts him. I wonder if he has fear about when he has to face God one day.
I don't know where the children's mother is now. I don't know if she still lives in the area or if she moved away, although the fact Mrs C is still in touch with her indicates she is still local to some extent. I wonder if she got remarried and had more kids? I wish there was some way for her to know that somewhere out there is a class mate of her little boy's that still remembers him a lot. There have been times after having Nickie when I have been up with him in the middle of the night feeding him and something has made me think of those kids and I have sat there and held my boy and prayed they were ok and not feeling suffering and that they were watching over their mother.
To the mother, "C" : I hope you are ok. I hope you know that people still remember your precious children from all those years ago and that they are still prayed for. I pray for your peace.
I am really sorry guys as I know this is an awful story. It is just something that is on my heart that I had to get out. Please note as well that I have referred to the people involved with initials as I think it is appropriate to keep the privacy of those involved in tact. I hope you will join me in saying a few prayers for these angels who continue to touch me all these years later and for their mother.
Friday, August 14, 2009
You gotta know when to hold 'em....
You're all singing the next line aren't you, after reading that title?! hehehe
Lately Brad and I have been discussing the fact that it is unlikely that we will be having more children, since we are now out of embryos and won't be doing more IVF, and because the doctors have all told us many times over the years that natural conception is almost impossible for us. It is a realisation that causes me complete swings of emotions and moods. On one hand I am completely devastated that at age 26 my days of having babies are most probably over. It puts a huge dent in my self confidence because at times I feel like my body has failed me. Because of the trouble my parents have been through with my sister's dramas I also feel an obligation to be "the good daughter" seeing as the role of "the bad daughter" is seemingly filled. I don't mean to be disrespectful or to brag about myself by saying this I am just saying that is a sub conscious role that I feel the pressure of sometimes. My sister is the person who can get things wrong and it's expected so it's OK. I am the daughter who is supposed to get things right and be capable. Because of this I almost feel ashamed some days that I physically can't produce more babies. This is absolutely ridiculous I know. My parents are nothing but completely supportive and compassionate regarding our struggles with infertility. It is just one of those nasty dark thoughts that creep in sometimes when I'm not paying attention.
On the other hand, I find it difficult to move past the fact that Nickie could have so easily not have existed and the fact that he does is an absolute miracle. He is the world's most wonderful and precious baby and a complete joy to my heart. I really believe that God made him with the thought that if we were only allowed one baby, then he would make it a spectacular one for us. For that and for so many other precious moments we have had with our son, and no doubt will have in the future, I am completely thankful. Sometimes this eases the pain of not having another child, and sometimes I am dismayed to find that having such a precious miracle as my son makes the pain worse. Because he is so wonderful, it's a shame to not be able to make brothers and sisters to "go with him". I wonder if he will be disappointed with me for this. I wonder if he will be lonely by himself. I wonder how I will answer the questions when they inevitably come about why he is an only child and why "mummy can't have any more babies". I shared these thoughts with my mother recently and she told me I was being silly and that worrying about Nickie being lonely was ridiculous. She told me that apart from all the love and attention I give him that he is also surrounded by so many other people that love and cherish him. She reminded me he has a little boy cousin on the way in December and that they will have many happy days together. I am so glad of that, yet it really isn't the same as having a brother is it?
The bleeding I have been experiencing since having Nickie, and which prompted us to "use" our last remaining embryo so soon after Nickie's birth is giving me grief still. My mother has had to help me several days this week with looking after my boy as I got my period earlier in the week and the level of blood that I was losing really made me weak and sick. Tuesday especially I was very dizzy and weak and began vomitting. This prompted my mother to look up my specialist's office number and call him as I was not feeling well enough to get out of bed and she was really worried. I realise she was being a concerned mother but at the time I was annoyed she rang him as she did not inform me she was going to do so. My doctor told her to bring me straight in but when she put this suggestion to me I refused. I could just see where it was going to go. I would go to the doctor and he would start putting pressure on me to start treating this bleeding. As I have mentioned before, my doctor has discussed with me that he would like to put me on hormone injections which will stop my periods all together. It's not a permanant thing, but a long term one, and if they don't work then we will discuss something more permanant like surgery. The deal was that we would do this final round of IVF and then if it didn't work I would go and start the treatment with him. After the miscarriage though I have not been able to hold up my end of the bargain and keep putting the treatment off. I just am finding letting go of the idea of another baby so impossible. I know the injections will not be permanant but to me they represent the start of saying goodbye to any chance of more babies.
Since the bleeding has subsided I am still suffering from dizziness off and on but I am improving. Brad and I have spoken to my specialist on the phone and he is urging us to come in and discuss the injections. The doctor said to me when I spoke to him that I have Nickie to think of - a baby who is here right now, needing his mum to be healthy. He said there is no point risking my health and therefore my ability to be the best mum I can be to Nickie for the sake of baby who is NOT here and who might not ever be. Brad tells me he thinks I am being childish with my attitude that if I ignore the situation and don't go to the doctor then the problem doesn't exist. He said I need to remember it is not all about me and that it is time for me to start being an adult. It is hard to be mad at him when I know what he is saying is the truth. It just irritates me that men can be so black and white about things.
I think about what my life will be like with just me, Brad and Nickie as a family of three. I must say I can see a really happy, rich life in the picture. Parents who love each other, a little boy who we adore and who will have undivided love and attention. We will have more time to spend just with him, more money and resourses to provide for him, all those wonderful things. When I think of all that it makes me feel like I have "won" the infertility battle and that it's ok to stop fighting now. What I can't figure out is why some days all these beautiful blessings aren't enough and all I want to do is keep fighting.
Lately Brad and I have been discussing the fact that it is unlikely that we will be having more children, since we are now out of embryos and won't be doing more IVF, and because the doctors have all told us many times over the years that natural conception is almost impossible for us. It is a realisation that causes me complete swings of emotions and moods. On one hand I am completely devastated that at age 26 my days of having babies are most probably over. It puts a huge dent in my self confidence because at times I feel like my body has failed me. Because of the trouble my parents have been through with my sister's dramas I also feel an obligation to be "the good daughter" seeing as the role of "the bad daughter" is seemingly filled. I don't mean to be disrespectful or to brag about myself by saying this I am just saying that is a sub conscious role that I feel the pressure of sometimes. My sister is the person who can get things wrong and it's expected so it's OK. I am the daughter who is supposed to get things right and be capable. Because of this I almost feel ashamed some days that I physically can't produce more babies. This is absolutely ridiculous I know. My parents are nothing but completely supportive and compassionate regarding our struggles with infertility. It is just one of those nasty dark thoughts that creep in sometimes when I'm not paying attention.
On the other hand, I find it difficult to move past the fact that Nickie could have so easily not have existed and the fact that he does is an absolute miracle. He is the world's most wonderful and precious baby and a complete joy to my heart. I really believe that God made him with the thought that if we were only allowed one baby, then he would make it a spectacular one for us. For that and for so many other precious moments we have had with our son, and no doubt will have in the future, I am completely thankful. Sometimes this eases the pain of not having another child, and sometimes I am dismayed to find that having such a precious miracle as my son makes the pain worse. Because he is so wonderful, it's a shame to not be able to make brothers and sisters to "go with him". I wonder if he will be disappointed with me for this. I wonder if he will be lonely by himself. I wonder how I will answer the questions when they inevitably come about why he is an only child and why "mummy can't have any more babies". I shared these thoughts with my mother recently and she told me I was being silly and that worrying about Nickie being lonely was ridiculous. She told me that apart from all the love and attention I give him that he is also surrounded by so many other people that love and cherish him. She reminded me he has a little boy cousin on the way in December and that they will have many happy days together. I am so glad of that, yet it really isn't the same as having a brother is it?
The bleeding I have been experiencing since having Nickie, and which prompted us to "use" our last remaining embryo so soon after Nickie's birth is giving me grief still. My mother has had to help me several days this week with looking after my boy as I got my period earlier in the week and the level of blood that I was losing really made me weak and sick. Tuesday especially I was very dizzy and weak and began vomitting. This prompted my mother to look up my specialist's office number and call him as I was not feeling well enough to get out of bed and she was really worried. I realise she was being a concerned mother but at the time I was annoyed she rang him as she did not inform me she was going to do so. My doctor told her to bring me straight in but when she put this suggestion to me I refused. I could just see where it was going to go. I would go to the doctor and he would start putting pressure on me to start treating this bleeding. As I have mentioned before, my doctor has discussed with me that he would like to put me on hormone injections which will stop my periods all together. It's not a permanant thing, but a long term one, and if they don't work then we will discuss something more permanant like surgery. The deal was that we would do this final round of IVF and then if it didn't work I would go and start the treatment with him. After the miscarriage though I have not been able to hold up my end of the bargain and keep putting the treatment off. I just am finding letting go of the idea of another baby so impossible. I know the injections will not be permanant but to me they represent the start of saying goodbye to any chance of more babies.
Since the bleeding has subsided I am still suffering from dizziness off and on but I am improving. Brad and I have spoken to my specialist on the phone and he is urging us to come in and discuss the injections. The doctor said to me when I spoke to him that I have Nickie to think of - a baby who is here right now, needing his mum to be healthy. He said there is no point risking my health and therefore my ability to be the best mum I can be to Nickie for the sake of baby who is NOT here and who might not ever be. Brad tells me he thinks I am being childish with my attitude that if I ignore the situation and don't go to the doctor then the problem doesn't exist. He said I need to remember it is not all about me and that it is time for me to start being an adult. It is hard to be mad at him when I know what he is saying is the truth. It just irritates me that men can be so black and white about things.
I think about what my life will be like with just me, Brad and Nickie as a family of three. I must say I can see a really happy, rich life in the picture. Parents who love each other, a little boy who we adore and who will have undivided love and attention. We will have more time to spend just with him, more money and resourses to provide for him, all those wonderful things. When I think of all that it makes me feel like I have "won" the infertility battle and that it's ok to stop fighting now. What I can't figure out is why some days all these beautiful blessings aren't enough and all I want to do is keep fighting.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Why does everyone assume?
It's a shame that when you get married, everyone just assumes a baby is the next thing on your list of things to check off. I realise that for a lot of people it is, but I wish people would not just assume and say things that voice these assumptions. I know that they don't mean anything by it. Even so, it is a very hard thing when you are infertile to be subjected to comments and questions and have to keep reliving your misfortune, sometimes to complete strangers too.
I visited my old place of work a couple of days ago. I used to work at a jewellery store, and now while I don't keep in regular contact with the ladies I worked with, every now and then we will catch up usually when we randomly bump into each other. The counsellor that I have been seeing since the miscarriage works out of a clinic very near the jewellery store and since I haven't caught up with any of the girls since I was pregnant with Nickie, I thought I would call in on my way home and show off my boy.
None of them know that Nickie is an IVF baby. I stopped working there a couple months after marrying Brad, well before we had any idea of any problems in the baby department. All of them know that I was very much looking forward to having kids after the wedding so I guess they just assumed that more kids would be on the menu for us. As soon as they got past cooing over Nickie and passing him around the store for cuddles, the focus shifted to me and when we were going to have another one. It absolutely broke my heart into smithereens. One of the girls looked at me holding Nickie and said "so does he make you want to have another one?" with a big knowing grin. I couldn't say what I really felt - that yes he did make me want to have another one, so much so that we tried and for a split second we succeeded until God decided it wasn't right and sent our angel to heaven. I wanted to break down and pour my heart out about what packing up Nickie's newborn size baby clothes and giving them away was doing to me. Instead I smiled and nodded my head and said I hoped to have another baby someday and that we would see what the future brought. Later that night poor Brad had a very distressed, sobbing wife to comfort. It is amazing how something so little as that can bring all that hurt up to the surface.
On a nicer note, Brad took me out on a date on Friday night. It was to a football game. Before you all laugh your heads off at the idea of that as a date, I have to explain that AFL football is a religion here in Australia. We are very passionate about supporting our teams and spend a lot of our weekends watching the games on TV. But actually going and seeing a game live is the creme de la creme. It was awesome fun because Brad's team (the Cats) played my team (the Blues) so we had been razzing each other for weeks about this upcoming match and who was going to win it. A bit of background on our teams is that the Cats have been a top side for the last couple of years. They won the Grand Final in 2007 and were runners up in 2008. They went into this season as hot favourites to win the Grand Final and they are the second top team but have been off form the last few weeks and are also plagued by some injuries in the team. As for the Blues, the last few years haven't been too impressive for us and after an improved season last year we are having a pretty solid year in 2009 and are looking at finally making the finals for the first time in a long time. The last three times the Cats have met the Blues we have been absolutely thrashed but I had a good feeling with us being on form of late, and the Cats being off.
So Brad comes home with tickets to Friday night's game, a few nights beforehand and tells me that he has organised Rhea to come and baby sit Nickie, and that he was taking me out to watch my team get creamed haha. We had the best time! Out we went in our opposing team colours and we ate hot dogs and drank beer and yelled and cheered for our players. It was an exciting match too and best of all, YAY the Blues won!!! I think the real winner of the night was me though for having such an awesome husband :) awww
Lastly before I sign off, I was really disappointed because you know the party Nickie was supposed to go to? Well it was cancelled due to the birthday boy coming down with the chicken pox the night before! Poor little man, having to be sick for his birthday I feel awful for him. Nickie and I drove down and dropped the birthday present off to his mother at the door. Apparently they are rescheduling the party for a later day so I will keep you posted.
I visited my old place of work a couple of days ago. I used to work at a jewellery store, and now while I don't keep in regular contact with the ladies I worked with, every now and then we will catch up usually when we randomly bump into each other. The counsellor that I have been seeing since the miscarriage works out of a clinic very near the jewellery store and since I haven't caught up with any of the girls since I was pregnant with Nickie, I thought I would call in on my way home and show off my boy.
None of them know that Nickie is an IVF baby. I stopped working there a couple months after marrying Brad, well before we had any idea of any problems in the baby department. All of them know that I was very much looking forward to having kids after the wedding so I guess they just assumed that more kids would be on the menu for us. As soon as they got past cooing over Nickie and passing him around the store for cuddles, the focus shifted to me and when we were going to have another one. It absolutely broke my heart into smithereens. One of the girls looked at me holding Nickie and said "so does he make you want to have another one?" with a big knowing grin. I couldn't say what I really felt - that yes he did make me want to have another one, so much so that we tried and for a split second we succeeded until God decided it wasn't right and sent our angel to heaven. I wanted to break down and pour my heart out about what packing up Nickie's newborn size baby clothes and giving them away was doing to me. Instead I smiled and nodded my head and said I hoped to have another baby someday and that we would see what the future brought. Later that night poor Brad had a very distressed, sobbing wife to comfort. It is amazing how something so little as that can bring all that hurt up to the surface.
On a nicer note, Brad took me out on a date on Friday night. It was to a football game. Before you all laugh your heads off at the idea of that as a date, I have to explain that AFL football is a religion here in Australia. We are very passionate about supporting our teams and spend a lot of our weekends watching the games on TV. But actually going and seeing a game live is the creme de la creme. It was awesome fun because Brad's team (the Cats) played my team (the Blues) so we had been razzing each other for weeks about this upcoming match and who was going to win it. A bit of background on our teams is that the Cats have been a top side for the last couple of years. They won the Grand Final in 2007 and were runners up in 2008. They went into this season as hot favourites to win the Grand Final and they are the second top team but have been off form the last few weeks and are also plagued by some injuries in the team. As for the Blues, the last few years haven't been too impressive for us and after an improved season last year we are having a pretty solid year in 2009 and are looking at finally making the finals for the first time in a long time. The last three times the Cats have met the Blues we have been absolutely thrashed but I had a good feeling with us being on form of late, and the Cats being off.
So Brad comes home with tickets to Friday night's game, a few nights beforehand and tells me that he has organised Rhea to come and baby sit Nickie, and that he was taking me out to watch my team get creamed haha. We had the best time! Out we went in our opposing team colours and we ate hot dogs and drank beer and yelled and cheered for our players. It was an exciting match too and best of all, YAY the Blues won!!! I think the real winner of the night was me though for having such an awesome husband :) awww
Lastly before I sign off, I was really disappointed because you know the party Nickie was supposed to go to? Well it was cancelled due to the birthday boy coming down with the chicken pox the night before! Poor little man, having to be sick for his birthday I feel awful for him. Nickie and I drove down and dropped the birthday present off to his mother at the door. Apparently they are rescheduling the party for a later day so I will keep you posted.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Nickie has been invited to his first party!
I have many friends who have children and as a result I have been to many a children's birthday party. I have, as the "friend without children", been on pass the parcel duty, balloon blowing duty, cupcake duty....you name it. Never have I ever been a mother with a child to actually bring to the party to be a legitimate guest. On Saturday I will be and I am so excited!!!!
A friend of mine that I met through mother's group has a daughter that was born in the same week as Nickie. She also has an older boy who is turning two this Saturday and Nickie has been invited to the party. It is at a petting zoo. Today we went out and chose a present for the birthday boy. I had no idea what to get a two year old so I called another friend of mine who also has a little boy who is almost two. She said her own little boy is quite into learning games like puzzles so that's what I decided to get. So Nickie and I went off to the shopping centre today and chose a puzzle. It is a little twelve piece one (box says ages 2+ so we should be fine with that!) and it is of Postman Pat. I have no idea what "characters" two year old kids are interested in as of course Nickie isn't up to that stage yet. I remember Postman Pat from when I was a kid so hopefully he's not out of date! Hopefully poor old Pat hasn't been made reduntant in these uncertain times haha.
Brad thinks that it's hilarious that Mama is more excited about the party than the child! I'll let you know how it goes!
A friend of mine that I met through mother's group has a daughter that was born in the same week as Nickie. She also has an older boy who is turning two this Saturday and Nickie has been invited to the party. It is at a petting zoo. Today we went out and chose a present for the birthday boy. I had no idea what to get a two year old so I called another friend of mine who also has a little boy who is almost two. She said her own little boy is quite into learning games like puzzles so that's what I decided to get. So Nickie and I went off to the shopping centre today and chose a puzzle. It is a little twelve piece one (box says ages 2+ so we should be fine with that!) and it is of Postman Pat. I have no idea what "characters" two year old kids are interested in as of course Nickie isn't up to that stage yet. I remember Postman Pat from when I was a kid so hopefully he's not out of date! Hopefully poor old Pat hasn't been made reduntant in these uncertain times haha.
Brad thinks that it's hilarious that Mama is more excited about the party than the child! I'll let you know how it goes!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Yes I am still alive!
Hi all my wonderful friends in blogger land. My most sincere apologies for my absence of late. I guess I have had a lot of things to sort out and it has been difficult to write while going through this process. Brad and I are still obviously very much on the road to recovery after the miscarriage and I particularly have been doing it a bit tough. I am currently speaking with a counsellor regularly which is doing me good and we are just taking life one step at a time. I started back at work a few weeks ago and after a week back at work I had to take more leave as I wasn't dealing very well with getting back into every day life as pathetic as that sounds. I am now back in the swing of things and back at work and it seems to all be going fine. My manager just left to go on maternity leave and we had a big lunch for her on Friday that we sort of made into a mini baby shower in the office. That was an extremely hard day but I was proud of myself for getting through it with my emotions in tact. Part of me feels selfish and stupid that it did get to me a bit as I already have a baby - my gorgeous boy - and once upon a time I did get a chance to have a baby shower. It's not like I have never got to have that experience.
Rhea is now 21 weeks pregnant and guess what??? It's a boy!!! Woo hoo I am so excited at the thought of a little nephew and of Nickie having a boy cousin to run around with. I think that's the next best thing to having a sibling and it has put my mind at ease a lot because as silly as it sounds the thought of him being lonely keeps me awake at night sometimes. My mother says that is a silly thing to worry about that because he has so many people that love him that he could never be lonely. Nevertheless that is how I feel sometimes and the impending arrival of another boy makes me feel a lot better. I am intrigued by their choice of name though as they have decided not to share the name with anyone till the birth. However Rhea tells me it is an extremely unusual name that we may not have heard before. I am DYING to know! haha
Something else interesting and puzzling to do with my sister has come to light. You remember I said she has some problems? Well because I use pseudo names I feel it is ok to elaborate on her because I am not breaching her rights to privacy by publishing either mine or her identity on the web. She has a gambling addiction and as a result has stolen from people including myself to support her habit. With this addiction has come dishonesty as is common for a lot of people with addictions because they learn to lie about their habit and how much money they are spending and to explain where they have been etc. So over the years my sister's dishonesty has also grown across most aspects of her life and my family now think her lying is compulsive. As if she does it to make her life more exciting or something, or maybe even as a comfort to herself to make her life more like the kind of life she really wants. Over the past few years she has made up many elaborate lies that she has carried on for months before we have realised. Anyway you may remember that I recently found out she was pregnant? Well because of her history we wonder every now and then whether she really is or whether this is another story. The latest on this is that she told Mum that she was unsure of her due date and was having to have an ultrasound to determine how far along she was. Now bear in mind that she told Mum she was pregnant on the day I had the embryo transfer. My due date if I had not miscarried would have been March 6 2010 so she would have been due earlier than that, being ahead of me in her pregnancy. She has now told my Mum that she has gone for the ultrasound and her due date is March 26. We don't understand how this could be possible. So I will keep you all posted on that and whether or not it turns out to be true. It makes me sad to think she may have made the whole thing up and I am hoping she doesn't use a miscarriage as the next plot event in her story if it is made up as it would hurt me after just going through a legitimate one to think someone was using it as entertainment or for attention. Brad tells me I should just not worry about what she is up to but it is hard when she affects so many people that are close to me with her actions.
Well I better sign off. I hope all of you are well and I am off to catch up on all your blogs!
Rhea is now 21 weeks pregnant and guess what??? It's a boy!!! Woo hoo I am so excited at the thought of a little nephew and of Nickie having a boy cousin to run around with. I think that's the next best thing to having a sibling and it has put my mind at ease a lot because as silly as it sounds the thought of him being lonely keeps me awake at night sometimes. My mother says that is a silly thing to worry about that because he has so many people that love him that he could never be lonely. Nevertheless that is how I feel sometimes and the impending arrival of another boy makes me feel a lot better. I am intrigued by their choice of name though as they have decided not to share the name with anyone till the birth. However Rhea tells me it is an extremely unusual name that we may not have heard before. I am DYING to know! haha
Something else interesting and puzzling to do with my sister has come to light. You remember I said she has some problems? Well because I use pseudo names I feel it is ok to elaborate on her because I am not breaching her rights to privacy by publishing either mine or her identity on the web. She has a gambling addiction and as a result has stolen from people including myself to support her habit. With this addiction has come dishonesty as is common for a lot of people with addictions because they learn to lie about their habit and how much money they are spending and to explain where they have been etc. So over the years my sister's dishonesty has also grown across most aspects of her life and my family now think her lying is compulsive. As if she does it to make her life more exciting or something, or maybe even as a comfort to herself to make her life more like the kind of life she really wants. Over the past few years she has made up many elaborate lies that she has carried on for months before we have realised. Anyway you may remember that I recently found out she was pregnant? Well because of her history we wonder every now and then whether she really is or whether this is another story. The latest on this is that she told Mum that she was unsure of her due date and was having to have an ultrasound to determine how far along she was. Now bear in mind that she told Mum she was pregnant on the day I had the embryo transfer. My due date if I had not miscarried would have been March 6 2010 so she would have been due earlier than that, being ahead of me in her pregnancy. She has now told my Mum that she has gone for the ultrasound and her due date is March 26. We don't understand how this could be possible. So I will keep you all posted on that and whether or not it turns out to be true. It makes me sad to think she may have made the whole thing up and I am hoping she doesn't use a miscarriage as the next plot event in her story if it is made up as it would hurt me after just going through a legitimate one to think someone was using it as entertainment or for attention. Brad tells me I should just not worry about what she is up to but it is hard when she affects so many people that are close to me with her actions.
Well I better sign off. I hope all of you are well and I am off to catch up on all your blogs!
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