Babies, babies everywhere!

Hi everyone. It's Monday night and I am sitting here at 10.45pm writing leisurely knowing that it's the start of what I call my "weekend". I work every Monday and Friday. I know that means that I have Saturday and Sunday off like everyone else but I seem to love the feeling of finishing up work on a Monday evening and knowing I have my mid week days off ahead. Somehow it feels even better to have days off when I know everyone else is working hahaha. Kind of like forbidden fruit and how it is always supposed to taste sweeter!

I am really looking forward to this Sunday as it is Father's Day here, which I think I mentioned last post. I asked Brad what he wanted to do and he said that he wants to take Nickie to the zoo! I think he is a bit young but I think the day will be fun so I have happily agreed and am looking forward to it. It was also Brad's birthday last Friday so he has had a lot of pampering lately. We had a little lunch for him yesterday with Rhea and Paul and had a lot of fun. I dressed Nickie up in a really cool outfit in honour of it being Daddy's "party". He wore these little skinny jeans and a long sleeved tee with a short sleeved shirt over the top. He really did look so adorable.

The plans are in full swing for Nickie's naming day celebration which will be on Oct 4. I wanted to have a "naming day cake" and assumed I would visit our local bakery and get a simple one with maybe his name written on it. Brad on the other hand has seen the most lavish cake on the internet. It is a giant green dinsosaur and it is very spectacular and very expensive. Brad is convinced that is the cake we should have! I am trying to explain that it is a waste of money because Nickie won't even be eating any of it (he has not one tooth yet!) but Brad thinks we should indulge and have a cool cake and that Nickie will like it. I tried to compromise and suggest we get the Humpty Dumpty one that they also make as it is less expensive and probably more appropriate for a Naming Day. Apparently though Brad has "spoken with Nickie and he wants the dinosaur". I have a feeling these boys will overule me!

On Friday my Assistant manager will be working her last day before leaving on Maternity Leave for a year. You might remember my manager left on Maternity leave recently too? It has been babies everywhere at my work for awhile. Another collegue had a baby 3 months ago. Since I had Nickie in Jan and both my manager and assistant manager are due in Oct, that makes four births in my team at work this year. The Department manager says he will be replacing our water dispenser so we stop getting pregnant and going on leave as he is losing all his staff to motherhood! We have a shower planned for Cathy - the assistant manager - for her last day and I have found myself getting apprehensive about it. It is really strange to me that even though I am a mother and have my beautiful Nickie, that infertility and the miscarriage still really hurt and still make it hard for me to deal with things like baby showers. It seems incredibly selfish to me and I can't explain it. I see Cathy's belly and hear her getting excited about going on maternity leave and preparing for her approaching arrival, getting nervous about the birth, all that stuff and I do honestly feel happy for her, but at the same time I feel awful to admit that sometimes I find myself feeling sad for myself. I remind myself that I have had all of those wonderful things. I have had the lovely belly and the maternity clothes and the shower and the maternity leave. I have had the kicks coming from my belly and the cravings and the excitement of going to ultrasounds. But i loved it so much it hurts that I will never have all that again. So many people get to do it two or three times. I feel like a spoilt child but I want all that again. I want Nickie to have it too - for him to be a big brother. Part of the reason we decided to have a naming day for Nickie was because it feels so easy for both Brad and I to focus on feeling sad about all we have lost with the recent miscarriage. We don't want to do that though because really we are lucky. We don't want to remember what we have lost, we want to celebrate what we have gained. We are lucky to have our precious son and we know that every second of every day. But I guess we shouldn't expect that to take away the hurt at the baby that went to heaven instead of into our arms.