You gotta know when to hold 'em....

You're all singing the next line aren't you, after reading that title?! hehehe

Lately Brad and I have been discussing the fact that it is unlikely that we will be having more children, since we are now out of embryos and won't be doing more IVF, and because the doctors have all told us many times over the years that natural conception is almost impossible for us. It is a realisation that causes me complete swings of emotions and moods. On one hand I am completely devastated that at age 26 my days of having babies are most probably over. It puts a huge dent in my self confidence because at times I feel like my body has failed me. Because of the trouble my parents have been through with my sister's dramas I also feel an obligation to be "the good daughter" seeing as the role of "the bad daughter" is seemingly filled. I don't mean to be disrespectful or to brag about myself by saying this I am just saying that is a sub conscious role that I feel the pressure of sometimes. My sister is the person who can get things wrong and it's expected so it's OK. I am the daughter who is supposed to get things right and be capable. Because of this I almost feel ashamed some days that I physically can't produce more babies. This is absolutely ridiculous I know. My parents are nothing but completely supportive and compassionate regarding our struggles with infertility. It is just one of those nasty dark thoughts that creep in sometimes when I'm not paying attention.

On the other hand, I find it difficult to move past the fact that Nickie could have so easily not have existed and the fact that he does is an absolute miracle. He is the world's most wonderful and precious baby and a complete joy to my heart. I really believe that God made him with the thought that if we were only allowed one baby, then he would make it a spectacular one for us. For that and for so many other precious moments we have had with our son, and no doubt will have in the future, I am completely thankful. Sometimes this eases the pain of not having another child, and sometimes I am dismayed to find that having such a precious miracle as my son makes the pain worse. Because he is so wonderful, it's a shame to not be able to make brothers and sisters to "go with him". I wonder if he will be disappointed with me for this. I wonder if he will be lonely by himself. I wonder how I will answer the questions when they inevitably come about why he is an only child and why "mummy can't have any more babies". I shared these thoughts with my mother recently and she told me I was being silly and that worrying about Nickie being lonely was ridiculous. She told me that apart from all the love and attention I give him that he is also surrounded by so many other people that love and cherish him. She reminded me he has a little boy cousin on the way in December and that they will have many happy days together. I am so glad of that, yet it really isn't the same as having a brother is it?

The bleeding I have been experiencing since having Nickie, and which prompted us to "use" our last remaining embryo so soon after Nickie's birth is giving me grief still. My mother has had to help me several days this week with looking after my boy as I got my period earlier in the week and the level of blood that I was losing really made me weak and sick. Tuesday especially I was very dizzy and weak and began vomitting. This prompted my mother to look up my specialist's office number and call him as I was not feeling well enough to get out of bed and she was really worried. I realise she was being a concerned mother but at the time I was annoyed she rang him as she did not inform me she was going to do so. My doctor told her to bring me straight in but when she put this suggestion to me I refused. I could just see where it was going to go. I would go to the doctor and he would start putting pressure on me to start treating this bleeding. As I have mentioned before, my doctor has discussed with me that he would like to put me on hormone injections which will stop my periods all together. It's not a permanant thing, but a long term one, and if they don't work then we will discuss something more permanant like surgery. The deal was that we would do this final round of IVF and then if it didn't work I would go and start the treatment with him. After the miscarriage though I have not been able to hold up my end of the bargain and keep putting the treatment off. I just am finding letting go of the idea of another baby so impossible. I know the injections will not be permanant but to me they represent the start of saying goodbye to any chance of more babies.

Since the bleeding has subsided I am still suffering from dizziness off and on but I am improving. Brad and I have spoken to my specialist on the phone and he is urging us to come in and discuss the injections. The doctor said to me when I spoke to him that I have Nickie to think of - a baby who is here right now, needing his mum to be healthy. He said there is no point risking my health and therefore my ability to be the best mum I can be to Nickie for the sake of baby who is NOT here and who might not ever be. Brad tells me he thinks I am being childish with my attitude that if I ignore the situation and don't go to the doctor then the problem doesn't exist. He said I need to remember it is not all about me and that it is time for me to start being an adult. It is hard to be mad at him when I know what he is saying is the truth. It just irritates me that men can be so black and white about things.

I think about what my life will be like with just me, Brad and Nickie as a family of three. I must say I can see a really happy, rich life in the picture. Parents who love each other, a little boy who we adore and who will have undivided love and attention. We will have more time to spend just with him, more money and resourses to provide for him, all those wonderful things. When I think of all that it makes me feel like I have "won" the infertility battle and that it's ok to stop fighting now. What I can't figure out is why some days all these beautiful blessings aren't enough and all I want to do is keep fighting.