Baby Addicts Anonymous!

It is funny how trying to concieve a baby becomes an obsession or an addiction very quickly. My sister in law has been trying for awhile now and she totally relates to this. We have spoken about it many times. The part that's especially addictive is the whole "taking a pregnancy test" part. There is something about peeing on that stick and waiting for it to change colour that generates a whole range of emotions: hopefulness, happiness etc but also unfortuneately despair. My SIL and I joke that we both need to attend meetings for our "addiction" haha. When I rang the IVF clinic for my pregnancy results last year and was told "congratulations, you are pregnant" one of the first things I did was rush out and buy a home pregnancy test much to the confusion of my husband. "Pax, it's a blood test!" he exclaimed "it's more accurate than a home pregnancy test, why do you want to do one of those for when you already know?" He didn't understand at the time, but the truth was I wanted to see that colour change and that line come up as it was something, even after hundreds and thousands of pregnancy tests, that I had never had the pleasure of seeing before. I kept the test stick and still have it hidden away in a drawer.



I always assumed that when I tried to concieve baby number two, that it would feel different. Somehow I assumed, not that I wouldn't care as much exactly, but that the event wouldn't be surrounded with such desperation and therefore I would be able to relax and not think about it so much and to go with the flow. Let me tell you now, it's not true. We haven't even officially started trying yet - we have booked our appointment to see the specialist in May - we are just "not preventing". Already my life is threatening to become an endless blur of ovulation kits, calendars and yearning. I am working really hard to stop this and focus my attention elsewhere because I don't want this to happen again. I have too many strong memories of terrible days gone by when I could barely contain my sorrow at not having a baby. I would travel to work in a haze and just barely get through a work day before I would go home to spend a sleepless night lying next to my husband in bed but not feeling close to him, before I would have to get up and function again.

I thought that it would be easier to deal with other people's pregnancies after I had a baby of my own. Not true either. My sister in law is actually finally pregnant now and although I'm absolutely overjoyed for her and ecstatic at the idea that Nickie will have an itty bitty cousin to grow up with, I found myself listening to her talk about her new pregnancy with twinges of sadness that maybe I will never be in her shoes again. I wish having another baby was a choice Brad and I could just make one day and then carry out. That we could just get into bed together and make love like a regular husband and wife and make a baby. I wish that every month I could be optimistic about the fact that it was a new oppurtunity to make Nickie a little brother or sister. The truth is though, we are not a regular couple. Our baby making consists of doctors appointments, blood tests, ultrasounds and hospital visits. And that's just a shot at a baby, not a garuntee.

I have found myself lately looking at that positive pregnancy test in my bottom drawer and wishing for another one. But I do take comfort in the fact that one day not so long ago, that beautiful pink coloured line showed up for me and told me that I was having my precious son. That positive pregnancy test was mine and no one elses. And for that I guess I can't ever consider myself to be anything short of blessed. I have to remember that.