I wished on so many stars...

There are days like today when I wake up and feel incredibly grateful for what I have and the guilt about wanting more makes me feel like an awful person. Not that anyone actually reads this blog yet (haha) but just in case, I want you all to know that I do realise how incredibly blessed I am and not a day goes by when I don't feel like getting down on my knees to thank God or the universe or whoever or whatever it is that sends us such precious joy. It's just that this blog is kind of about my struggle with infertility so I tend to write a lot about that. I don't want you all to think however, that that is all I can find in my life, when it also includes a beautiful baby boy and a wonderful loving husband.

Today I was holding Nickie, and the line that I have used for today's title popped into my head: "I wished on so many stars for you". It is so true because I really did. I have lost count of the number of stars, blown out birthday candles, chicken wishbones, four leaf clovers..you name it..that I used to make wishes that Nickie would find his way into my life. It was always a wish that I made thinking that it would never be realised. I never thought I was lucky enough. So you could forgive me now for sometimes having to stop and pinch myself to check that yes this beautiful happy, healthy boy belongs to me and to Brad. A friend of mine and myself were, the other day, discussing my hope that Nickie will have a brother or sister someday. I wondered aloud whether I could defy the odds and get pregnant naturally without the help of IVF. She said "wow if you could get pregnant naturally it would be a miracle baby!" and I had to abruptly correct her. You see, I already HAVE a miracle baby. His name is Nicholas and he will always be my very first miracle. If he turns out to be my only miracle then how could I complain about that!?

Sometimes people who know our story comment on Nickie's birth and the fact that he is here and one common phrase that constantly seems to pop up is "meant to be". I totally agree. Some people might think that IVF is a form of playing God but I would passionately debate that opinion. I know people who took tons of tries at IVF to get their "miracle baby". I know couples who took only one try like us. I know many more couples who are still trying and are yet to bring home a little bundle of joy and even more still who did achieve a pregnancy and then had all their dreams dashed by miscarriage. My point is that yes we are all getting help to achieve what we want and to beat the medical problems that are preventing us from creating a family. We are putting a ready made embryo into our wombs to try to become parents. But it is still up to God whether that embryo hangs on and keeps growing. Brad tells me off constantly for thinking too much about this whole process because I really can sometimes drive us both crazy with the "what ifs". I ask myself "what if we had have done ........ differently?" Would we still have our boy? Because I hate questions that I don't know the answer to, the fact that nobody will ever know drives me nuts. I have to say as well that the thought of how easy it might have been to NOT have Nicholas in my life really terrifies me as stupid as that sounds, since he is indeed right here.

We had two embryos and I often wonder if that lab technician had have simply selected the other one that day, what would've happened? Would we have a completely different baby right now and would Nickie be still an embryo in a lab freezer? Would the other embryo have been weaker and not made it and so would I still be sitting here wishing on those stars?

I wonder about the personality of the embryo that we still do have in storage and wonder who it is going to be some day and whether it will have a chance to live. I wonder if it is cold in that freezer - a thought that Brad thinks is eerie yet ridiculous. I wonder if Nickie's success at "hanging on" and getting here was caused by anything in particular. Was it the acupuncture, my mood, the music I listened to that day, the fact that I had an afternoon nap that day? Could any of those things have changed the outcome or would he have got here anyway?

So to all those people who dispute IVF or think it might be playing God, I completely respect your opinion. But that is why I don't share it. With so many contributing factors and so many things that could have become obstacles in my son's journey I really do have to come to the same conclusion that everyone else seems to when they see him: that he really was "meant to be".

Obviously it pays to wish on stars :)