The grass is green on this side too!

Hi everyone - it feels really weird saying that because nobody reads this haha! If there is anyone that IS actually a follower do me a favour and let me know :)

Things keep happening and events keep coming and going which remind me how much time has passed and how much things have changed in my life. Believe it or not this revelation was sparked today when I watched the new season premiere of Lipstick Jungle (a show I quite like) and I realised I couldn't remember what happened last season. I tried to think back to when exactly it was that last season aired and I realised it was before I was even pregnant with Nickie - it seems like a million years ago. Then I thought back to how "life used to feel" when I didn't have him and was still trying my best to make him a reality. It was so different. Now I go to work, I go out with friends, I get up early with Nicholas and try to sneak a cup of coffee when I can, but I do it all while feeling at peace.

I always felt so restless before like I was chasing something unattainable, and trying to have a child when I didn't think it would ever happen became a shadow that put darkness over everything. Before Nickie I would still go to work and go out with friends but I always felt while I sat at my desk or in that restaurant that my heart was somewhere else. It was also like everyone else seemed to have what I wanted. There in the ladies room at the nightclub would be a conversation of mothers who had snuck away for a night of freedom. How I longed to be at home tucking my child into bed and I would feel such resentment towards them for longing to be without "baggage" like I was. At the restaurant where I sat with my friend would be the table where a family sat. The kids would be fighting and the parents would be tired but I would look at them with envy.

This week is Mother's Day - my first one after so many years of wishing. This momentus occasion has also got me feeling reflective. Many years ago when Brad and I used to rent a little flat together long before we ever even thought about kids, I bought a chrysanthamum plant and planted it in our little flower bed. It had no symbolic signifigance at the time but after awhile it became a reminder of my goal of becoming a mother. Every year just before Mother's Day those flowers would come out and bloom brillantly as if to remind me that another year had passed without my baby coming into the world. "One day," I would think "those flowers will bloom for a Mother's Day that will include me." I became so focused on it that when we moved out of the little flat and into this house I dug up the plant and took it with us and now it is next to our letterbox. Last year when it bloomed I was waiting for our IVF results to see if I was pregnant and I was full of hope for what might be ahead. A few weeks ago I awoke to find the first flower just coming out and a few days later all the flowers were in full bloom once again. I stood there at my letterbox with the mail in my hand and shed a few tears of quiet gratitude.

To all the Mum's out there I wish you a Happy Mother's Day. And to all the women out there wanting and trying to be a Mum then most of all I wish you a peaceful Mother's Day. One day I hope it will be YOUR year and until then try not to let that shadow overcast the joy in your life. If there is one thing this journey has taught me it is how much we all spend our lives peering over each other's metephorical fences and admiring the green grass. But you know what? It is amazing to discover once you stop and take a deep breath and a good look around that there is plenty of green grass on THIS side too. Nobody could have told me that and got me to agree whilst I was trying to have a baby so I know I will be saying this in vain. Nevertheless I want to say it because it really is true.

I want to close with some lyrics to a song that became importaant to me during my struggle. It's called "The Heart of Life" by John Mayer and the sentiment behind it is really true. I realise that even more so now when I hold my son. There are some rough bumps in the road but deep down life is really pretty amazing.

"I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear, so turn off your tears, and listen.
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it don't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good."