It's Complicated!

Every now and then something happens to make me wish that Brad and I could go back in time to the uncomplicated days gone by. Not that I don't love where and what we are now. Brad is a beautiful loving husband whom I love back with all my heart. But infertility has a way of making even the best relationships struggle sometimes, I think. There was a time when we were on the same page about everything. Now sometimes I get annoyed - not with Brad, with the infertility - that sometimes it seems like we are on completely different pages. I remember reading in a magazine while waiting in one of my many specialist's offices, an article about how couples cope with infertility. It listed some bizzarre statistic like that 60% of couples break up over infertility struggles. It was extremely early in our baby journey and I remember almost scoffing as I read and thinking "well those partnerships aren't very strong then." But now, years later, though Brad and I are one of the lucky couples, we both totally understand why this statistic is so.

Infertility is hard! I can't help but remember how blissfully simple life used to be with Brad before we knew there was a problem in the baby department. We met each other whilst studying, were friends for awhile and I had a crush on him before too long. I mentioned him a few times (ok, more than a few!) to my best friend Cate and when she accompanied me to a party one night which Brad also happened to be at, she took it upon herself to drop a few not so subtle hints to him that I was interested. I am not sure to this day exactly what she said and Brad claims he doesn't remember, but one minute we were all chatting and laughing together, then I go up to the bar to get us all another round of drinks and left the two of them alone for a few seconds. The next thing I know, I am returning with the drinks and Brad is grinning at me and asking me did I want to go out sometime!

So we started off with a few movies, dinners etc as you do and before long we were pretty hooked on each other. From that moment on for the next few years until after our wedding when we started trying for kids, life was just so blissfully easy. Since then we have been through so much: infertility, various treatments relating to that, IVF, various complications relating to that, a pregnancy which was completely wonderful but also really hard too because I was so sick and in and out of hospital throughout the whole thing, and now a miscarriage. I love Brad with all my heart and Nickie too. To have both my boys in my life brings me such absolute joy that I don't want you to think I am complaining about my life. Everything we went through, Nickie has made well worth it, a million times over. If we had to we would both live through the whole thing again to have him. I just wonder sometimes why it had to be us. Why not one of those couple out there that are not fussed whether or not they have childern? Why did WE, the couple who felt they were born to be parents, end up being the ones who couldn't without a struggle? If only we could have just got married, started trying and had Nickie. I wonder if things would still seem so blissfully simple and whether that would be a good thing or not? Maybe we need complexities in life to keep us interested?

This coming weekend is Nickie's naming day which we are very happy and excited about. I have written a poem about how special he is that is going to be read on the day, we have ordered the most awesome cake, and we are looking forward to spending the day with our family and close friends. This weekend that has just gone, Brad and I decided we would have a big working bee in our yard to get it looking great for the special day, as after the ceremony we are having a big BBQ. A few weeks ago we had really strong winds which were a bit freakish for Spring, and this huge bush/shrub thing that we had in our garden got blown in the wind and actually snapped clean off at the base and so we had to dig it out as we couldn't salvage it. It was quite pretty so it was a shame to lose it, and it was really big so it left a huge space in our garden. We spoke about what we wanted to put there in it's place and came up with the idea that we wanted to get two smaller plants to fill the spot, one to represent Nickie and one to represent the baby we lost. During our working bee on Sunday we went out and chose the plants. I wanted something pretty and simple, but I had trouble choosing. It bugged me that Brad didn't really seem to get how important it was to me to pick the "right" thing. In the end I had to explain to him that I am sad that Nickie gets a naming day and a whole party, and our other baby just gets a plant and that this is why I am wanting to choose carefully and make sure it's beautiful. I watched his face change with realisation as I said this, and at that moment I knew he had "got it". But it bugged me that I had to explain. I wish we could both go through this grief process at the same pace, instead of being on different pages about it most of the time.