Am I normal?

I was having quite a positive day when I wrote my last post about moving forward and then last night I had such a terrible night which wasn't brought on by anything in particular. This constant swing between opposite emotions is not a usual thing for me and I wonder if this is just something to expect after having a miscarriage, or whether it is just me being a drama queen. While I don't consider myself to be a moody person (IVF drugs excluded of course!) I am what you'd call more anxious than the average person. I get quite worried when things go wrong, more than what the average person would. For example, last week our heater broke and it's the middle of winter here. I rang Brad up at work and said "oh no Honey, the heater's broken and it's so cold. And it's Friday too so what if we can't get someone to fix it. And what if it costs lots of money. We don't really have much spare after paying for this IVF cycle....." and Brad was like "Ring around and see if you CAN get someone, if not we have an electric portable heater in the garage and that will be sufficient for the weekend. If it's more than expected we can just use the credit card, that's what it's for, and I'll put it back on pay day. It will be OK, no use worrying about it."

For this reason, I wonder if I am just being overly sensitive about the miscarriage, and maybe the average person might be handling it better. Brad tells me it doesn't matter how the average person would handle it, because this is about how I am coping, not them. Grrr why is he always so clear and logical and RIGHT??!! Don't tell him I said this! haha I am very disappointed that the IVF clinic did not give me a clearer idea of what emotions and feelings one should expect following a miscarriage. I was really looking forward to seeing my GP yesterday to get some advice and direction and to get some of these doubts off my chest.

To begin with, at the start of the day, the doctor's surgery called to tell me that my doctor was sick today and that I could still come in for my scheduled appointment provided I was happy to see a different doctor. I said OK because I thought it would be better than nothing but I did have my doubts because the other doctor is all right but I find her a bit abrupt sometimes, whereas my regular doctor is really sweet and softly spoken. I didn't know if the other doctor would be the most suitable person to be discussing feelings with if you know what I mean.

Then, I get myself and Nickie all ready to go to the doctor, I packed his bag and got him in the car and got myself together, and my car wouldn't start. I had to call the doctors back and tell them what happened and reschedule the appointment for another day. Then I got annoyed because my regular doctor being so nice is always so hard to get into as she is their most popular doctor. Because of this, when you ring up and ask for her they always try to convince you to see a less busy doctor. Even though my original appointment was with Dr. J (the nice doctor) when they rescheduled me they tried to keep me with Dr S (the other doctor). I explained politely that I would rather see Dr J and that that was who I had originally booked with. The lady seemed put out and I almost yelled at her "Excuse me for wanting to see someone familiar and nice to discuss my miscarriage with!" but of course I held my tongue. So we are now booked in for the doctor on Tuesday afternoon.

Going out the doctor's was going to be my first outing in a while as I have spent much of the last week or so at home, not answering the phone. I guess it feels weird to see and talk to people because life is so normal for them and so changed for me and that makes me sad. It is strange to think that your life is about to change so wonderfully and dramatically and then have it all fall through. When you then have to keep going on with life as it was, when it was expected to be so different that is also incredibly strange and very sad. I was all geared up to get dressed and go out, even if it was only to a doctor's surgery and so when it didn't end up happening it was a little bit of a let down as strange as that sounds. I got on the phone and I called a friend of mine and had her over for lunch. I cooked a really nice quiche and made a salad and we had a great day the three of us having the lunch and then playing with Nickie, who loved all the attention. We had so much fun that eventually my friend looked at the clock and realised it was after 5 and we couldn't believe the time had flown.

After she left I fed Nickie and bathed him and put him to bed (he goes to bed at about 6pm). Brad got home and I put dinner in the oven and cleaned up a bit. After eating dinner it was about 7pm and I was sitting on the couch staring into space. Brad said I was quiet and was I ok (I am usually such a chatterbox). I burst into tears and started gushing on about how I just felt really sad tonight and I didn't know why. He cuddled me for ages and just let me have a cry then suggested a lie down or a bath. I went for the lie down. So I got into bed and went straight to sleep and only stirred slightly when Brad came to bed a few hours later. I slept right through till 7am this morning when Nickie got up. I have no idea what brought that on. Maybe I was just tired or maybe it was just the effort of getting back into the land of the living and interacting with people again. Maybe I'm just weird haha.

I spoke to my manager at work again today and I said to her I thought it was time to put a date on coming back. I told her I didn't feel up to coming back on Monday but that I would aim for next Friday (a week from today) as I only work Mon and fri. She said if Fri came closer and it turned out I didn't feel up to it then I could just call and tell her. But I think it's important to get back in the swing of life soon. It does scare me though, because of what I said earlier about life going on as normal when it was supposed to be so different and how scary and sad that is. I guess I should prepare to have an emotional time when I go back.

Lots of Love to all