6 months ago today...

My little baby boy is 6 months old today and so today I am a very proud mummy when I think of how much he has grown and all the things he has learnt in that time. 6 months ago at this time of day I was holding a brand new baby boy in my arms. He was just under half an hour old. He was full of sleep and very grumpy (haha) and I was in awe at how much he meant to me. Today, only 6 months later he has become my boy who loves apricots, who is placid and loving yet has a stubborn streak like his mother, who can now roll over onto his tummy and back again, and who finds pretend "horsie rides" hysterical. He has so much personality and spark, so much individuality and he is just so THERE that it is hard to remember back that far to when we hadn't met each other yet. I feel like I have always been his mother.

6 months ago I woke up in my hospital bed knowing that it would be the day in which Brad and I would become parents. I had been in hospital for the previous two weeks on bed rest for high blood pressure. 2 days previously my OB had come into my room with the news that I would be having a C section on January 16th. It would be a Friday. "That little baby is not spending another weekend in there" said my doctor. It all sounded pretty good to me because I had been sick for so long and was ready to see the back of pregnancy. I had had chronic morning sickness throughout the whole pregnancy as well as the blood pressure. My record for vomitting was 17 times in the one day. I had been hospitalised before for dehydration during this pregnancy and put on drips. So a C section sounded pretty awesome to me.

The night before the scheduled delivery my doctor paid me a visit to explain that some routine blood work he had ordered in preparation for the procedure had come back with some problems. My iron levels were dangerously low (probably to do with the lack of nutrition with all the vomiting, not being able to keep down much food let alone my pre natal vitamins) and the way that the levels were sitting he would not be able to safely do a C section. He also couldn't safely put me through labour either because of my blood pressure and also because Nickie's head was measuring too large for me. I would have to undergo a few blood transfusions to safely get the iron levels up to where they needed to be so I could then undergo the C section. I didn't like it and I shed a few tears but in the end I knew what I had to do.

The morning of the 16th I woke up nervous but excited. This was it! My baby boy was making his appearance and I couldn't wait to see him. Earlier that morning at about 3am my OB had come in to put the IV in and talk to me for the last time before the procedure. He apologised for the odd hour but he had been there all night at the hospital with a patient in labour and he had another one just starting so he wasn't sure if he would get another chance to speak to me. He entered my room and switched on the light to find that I was awake anyway. I had woken up about half an hour earlier and couldn't fall asleep again so I was just lying there thinking. He said "what are you doing awake at this hour, you're supposed to be having a baby today!" and I hit back with "well you're aupposed to be delivering my baby, what are YOU doing awake at this hour!" We went through the plan and he left me to get some more sleep.

By the time Brad arrived at about 10am (surgery was scheduled for 1.30) I was hooked up to drips and machines in the middle of the blood transfusions. All up it took about 4 hours which took us up to about 12.30. During that time Brad and i just hung out, talked and watched TV. It was hard to believe that this would be the last time we would hang out as a twosome. When the machines and the drips had done their job and been wheeled away I had about half an hour until I had to be prepped for theatre. The midwife that would be helping us with the delivery came and helped us to lay out some clothes for Nickie to be dressed in and some blankets for him. I had chosen a plain cream outfit with a tiny little classic Pooh bear picture on it and a matching hat. The blanket was a soft white fleece with an embroided duck on it. It was strange to see the items that we had bought long ago when this moment seemed so far away, being unpacked so that our son could finally wear them.

Soon the time came for me to be wheeled off to theatre and I remember being so jittery. Excited but I felt a little nervous too about the surgery I was about to have and what it would feel like etc. I had my spinal block injection which was no big deal at all and then was wheeled into the room where I would be having the C section. Brad was brought in from another room wearing medical scrubs including a shower cap and we found this hilarious for some reason. The moments when the C section was actually being carried out are a bit of a blur to me. I remember it being cold. I remember the feeling of being able to feel pulling and tugging but not being able to feel pain. I remember hearing my doctors voice speaking to his helpers and laughing about how much Nickie was wriggling away from him when he was attempting to pull him out. The reason I only remember these snippets is because the entire time I was lying there I was just listening to hear my son's first cry. All I wanted was to hear his voice. Suddenly I felt a huge firm tug which almost lifted me off the table and my doctor informed me that my baby was safely out. There was a screen up that separated me from seeing any of the operation and after having the spinal block I was unable to sit up so the orderlies held me into a sitting position while my doctor held up my baby. My first thought was "man he is huge!" and then i felt my breath catch in my throat as all the emotions started to well up.

They layed me back down, Brad went over to cut the cord and then Nickie was brought back to me all wrapped in a blanket and placed on my chest. I really thought once my son or daughter was handed over to me that I would sob emotionally and uncontrollably. I was amazed to find that I didn't. Instead I was dumbfounded and I lay there with him in absolute silence. I was so full of joy and love that I was in awe and that's what i think silenced me. I was so amazed by this baby that had just come into my life. Everything we had been through, the IVF the infertility, the difficult pregnancy seemed like such a drop in the ocean compared to what he had now recieved. I stroked Nickie's cheek and told him we thought he was worth everything.

Now here we are 6 months later and my Nickie doesn't fit snuggly on my chest anymore. He is so different from the bundle of sleep that I met back in January. We have all learnt so much more since that day, and obviously recently have seen a tough time with the miscarriage. Things have changed so much since the day I became a mother. One thing that hasn't and that never will is that Nickie is still "worth everything". He always will be.