I miss my baby

This has by far been the worst week of my life. I'm not working at the moment, I called up my manager on Wednesday - the day after we recieved "the news" - and barely got the words out through my tears regarding what was happening and she was great and told me to just call her when I wanted to come back and to take my time. If it weren't for Nickie waking up in the morning in need of a mother I doubt I would bother getting out of bed. I haven't gotten out of my pyjamas since Wednesday and although on some level I know I should really be getting dressed, on another level I really don't care.

I feel like this week has passed by in a haze. I have spent much of it lying in bed and dodging phone calls from concerned and well meaning friends who I don't want to speak to. The official miscarriage began on Friday morning and the grief seems to have gotten so much deeper since then. I guess on some level I was hoping for a miracle. I have to go back to the IVF clinic tomorrow for follow up blood tests to check that the HCG levels are falling as they should. Despite all the blood I am losing I catch myself out still hoping that they will show some indication that the baby is still there. I don't know how that could be possible or why I would think that it could be.

I feel so lost right now and yet my feelings seem so invalid because I was pregnant for like 5 minutes and this miscarriage was so early. I am worried there is something wrong with me for feeling this lost. But I can't explain it, I loved that baby and yes I am saying BABY not embryo. It was my baby and there has not been a day that it has been waiting in that freezer that I haven't thought about it and hoped for its survival. I am just so gutted that this was the outcome. And I really feel like a terrible person for being so gutted and so bitter about it. My beautiful Nickie is safely asleep in his cot as I type this and yet here I am moping and shedding tears for a baby I didn't know. I feel like I have no right and that I should be thankful. I am so thankful that I didn't come out of this with nothing as I very well could have. I came out of it with not only a healthy baby who I love to bits, but probably the world's sweetest, smartest and cutest baby ever. I am so lucky. But my heart just aches for this baby that I have lost. I just miss my baby and want it in my tummy.

This just hurts so much and the grief feels so consuming like it will never subside. I really have no idea how to even start sifting through it and how to find some sort of normalcy in life again. I can't imagine ever being ok with what has happened to our family. I am angry that my Nickie has lost his brother or sister when people like my sister take their kids for granted and are still blessed with more. I am sorry that this post makes no sense but I am so overwhelmed. I am sorry to everyone for getting behind on your blogs too. I just don't know where to start with getting back to normal.