Every now and then...

I don't like bringing up the miscarriage so this post is kind of hard. I try to focus on moving forward from it. I prefer not to spend a lot of time moping about what happened, and I believe that now a few months on from the experience, I am past that stage of constant sadness. Not that I am not sad about things now. It's just that if I sit still and think about things for too long then the sadness catches up with me, and makes it hard for me to function. To put it simply, life is easier for me if I focus on the things that I enjoy and allow myself only fleeting moments to reflect on the fact that I lost a baby. I have that little moment to feel sad, and then I make myself move on to the next event of the day. At one stage you might remember I started seeing a counsellor to talk about my feelings. I went for three sessions and stopped going. I felt after the first couple of sessions that the process of going and pouring out to someone about how sad I felt was self defeating, because it was allowing myself to fall too far back into that negative sad mindset and the longer I stayed there, the harder it was to come back up to earth. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, or even if it is the healthy way to be dealing with what happened, but it is what has worked for me and got me over the line so far.

But there is a flaw to my approach. Every now and then something will happen which will make me think of the miscarriage and the baby that I lost, and that realisation almost comes as a complete shock. The days when that happens are very hard to get through. It doesn't even have to be something major. A few weeks ago Brad and I were sitting having coffee with friends of ours and Brad was talking about how work politics can often be unfair and was giving an example of something that had happened at his own work. He then said "and what made it worse was that it was around the time when Pax had the miscarriage so I was already not feeling the best about work, and didn't really need that stress added in too." Not only was it a shock to hear that phrase said out loud, but Brad didn't even lower his voice like people do when they are talking about something sad or unpleasant. He didn't even stumble over the word "miscarriage". That in itself made me realise that time has passed since the incident and that obviously in the eyes of others, including my husband, it is no longer something that should be fresh with raw emotion. I on the other hand felt like I had been stabbed. I found myself crying into my pillow quietly that night and wondering where all that raw emotion has suddenly sprung from.

Then yesterday it happened again. I rang a friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to in a little while, to oragnise a pre Christmas catch up. She was happy to hear from me, we chatted for a while and then she said "I'm glad to hear you are doing well, I have wanted to call a few times but have felt awkward." I really didn't understand why she would feel awkward and suddenly tried to think back to the last time we spoke. I realised that it was by text message. She had messaged me to ask how the beta results had gone from our FET. She knew I had gotten a positive test at home and so she was anticipating a very good response from me. Instead she got a message from me explaining what was happening. That yes I was pregnant but that I was soon not going to be. We spoke a few more times that week through text message but had not had a real conversation since. She then did the whole voice lowered "so how ARE you? I'm so sorry about what happened" etc and I really didn't handle it too well. I answered the questions politely and briefly. Thanked her for her thoughts, finished the conversation and said goodbye but later in the day I lost my bundle and found myself in tears again. AGAIN wondering where all this emotion was coming from when I was fine this morning.

I'm not sure what the purpose of me posting all this to everyone is, other than to get it off my chest. It is something which really baffles me to say that least. Thanks for listening all. Have a great week.