Baby Proofing

No, my little Nickie has not learnt to crawl yet - the title of this post refers to baby proofing of the mind haha. I wish there was a way to do it. It's funny how when you are trying to have a baby your mind seems to constantly be focused on all things baby! We are still waiting not so patiently to begin our IVF. My mind is racing and so I am dying to start if only to put my thoughts to rest.

It's especially difficult at the moment because Rhea, my sister in law, has hit the 12 week mark of her pregnancy. That's not the difficult part, by the way because I am thrilled for her. She deserves it and will be a beautiful parent. I just mean that now she is in the safe zone the whole family is buzzing with the impending arrival of another baby and it is the first topic of conversation. I should add here that Brad and I have decided not to tell anyone about our upcoming IVF because when we originally broached the subject that we might possibly do another IVF round we were met with a lot of negative feedback and we decided we didn't need to hear that sort of talk. I realise people have their own opinions and that's no problem to me. I just have issues with people voicing them regarding other people's lives when they haven't been fully briefed on the situation. Instead of stopping to think that there might be a medical reason why we might be forced to be doing IVF again so soon (which is in fact the case) people would jump in with all the same lines: "no don't do that you don't want two babies so close together, you'll never get any sleep" type of thing. Consequently we have decided to go it alone - or more precisely we are going it "alone together".

Because nobody is aware of our secret and the fact that we are planning another baby a few things have started to happen that we are not sure how to get around. Nickie is just at the stage where he is starting to grow out of those initial items we purchased for him as a newborn, like his bassinet. Both my family and Brad's are saying things like "oh great! Pass it onto Rhea and Paul for their baby! Perfect timing!" and we are not quite sure how to explain the fact that we want to hold onto those items a bit longer. It is a completely innocent thing, by the way and I'm not blaming anyone as they aren't to know. It's just something I'm finding tough to navigate!

Because my boy is getting so big he is growing out of his 000 size clothes and is now in 00's and this week I packed up all the clothes that were too small and put the next size in his cupboard. I found several outfits as I was putting everything away that unfortuneately he never got to wear as we just got so many beautiful and thoughtful gifts for him that he didn't manage to wear all those nice clothes in time before getting too big for them. They still have the tags on them and my first instinct was to put them in a bag for Rhea. Brad saw them and said to me "Pax, why don't we keep these for a little longer. We don't know what's around the corner." and so with relief I put them away at the top of one of our cupboards.

It is strange to be packing up one baby's things and thinking that you might be getting them out again sometime very soon. Brad and I never expected to be back in the IVF game so quickly. We did plan to start trying to get pregnant again in the not so distant future as you'd remember from my previous posts but we were optimistic about giving natural conception a try before we resorted to IVF. We always planned to use the embryo but weren't really prepared right now for the medical roller coaster. Circumstances have changed though and so here we are. I am doing my best though to try to put it to the back of my mind as best as I can because I worry about Nicholas losing my attention which he really does deserve to have at its fullest right now.

I wish this wasn't an issue that I felt compelled to obsess over. I would give anything to be one of the many women of this world for whom fertility is not a luxury, it is a normal reality. I know that many people out there would read my blog and think I was ungrateful to be yearning for a second baby when they themselves have not even been blessed with one. I completely understand that and I don't want you to think I'm not grateful. I know what I have and I know how lucky this makes me and if Nickie is my only child for the rest of life that makes me so very lucky anyway. But it is so hard to take that while people like me get told to just be grateful for what we have, be content and move on, there are so many women out there who are not forced to settle for that. They can have 5, 6, 7 babies etc... as many as they want yet I have some sort of restriction on me that seems so unfair. I am yet to know what God is trying to teach me and I am sure there must be a purpose in this but it doesn't mean that some days it is not hard to take. I am not saying that those women don't deserve to have lots of babies either, far from it! I am just commenting that I wish sometimes I was one of them!

All systems go

The title of this post refers to our IVF preparations. On Tuesday we saw our IVF specialist and he has agreed with us that using our final frozen embryo would be the best thing to do at this time. I haven't really said this yet but since Nickie was born I have been experiencing really heavy bleeding which is bad enough to warrant hospitalisation. It is caused by hormonal imbalances which are caused by the PCOS. Basically it can't go on as I am getting very ill from it as the blood loss is causing severe anaemia. I have to go onto a long term medication to treat the problem because the conventional treatment for heavy bleeding (the Pill) doesn't agree with me. I have tried it many times before and always have ended up with more problems than what I started with. The specialist is reccommending that we use the embryo before proceeding with the treatment as this will prevent time from running out on the embryo while I am on the medication.

Brad and I are excited but nervous because with excitement at a new possibility often of course comes nerves that it will fail. But we are trying to remain positive and hopeful and keep a "we have done it once and we can do it again" type of mind frame. I have spent the last 48 hours filling out paperwork and dropping it into the IVF centre and now we are all set. We just have to wait now for my period (sorry for TMI) so we can start. A lot of IVF is a waiting game unfortuneately. A lot of trying to have a baby when you are infertile is a waiting game actually. First you wait to get pregnant naturally and when it doesn't happen you wait to get into a specialist to find out why, and then the waiting just continues on from there haha.

I'm trying not to think about it too much and Brad and I have agreed we are not going to tell anyone we are undertaking IVF again. We want no pressure on us and no one judging us for doing it again so soon when they don't know the reasons behind it. So what better way to keep it quiet than to post it on the web haha! Ah well no one reads this thing anyway :)

All the best to everyone and I'll keep posting to let everyone know how it's going.

Feeling Fear

The time is approaching to move forward with our preparations in attempting to create baby number 2 and I have to say I'm terrified. Why? Because, in short, I'm scared of not getting a second baby and how much that is going to hurt me. I know a lot of you out there will think I'm selfish and ungrateful because I already have a beautiful son and so I should be thankful and leave it at that. I'm sorry for that but I just can't help how I feel. I just want to be a mother. I know I already am a mother and I am thankful for that fact right down to my very core but I just feel like I have so much love to give. I'd love another pregnancy. I'd love another birth. I'd love another child. I'd love for Nickie to have a sibling and Brad to be a father of two. If it didn't happen and Nickie ended up being my one and only then I am honored to be a mother of one. I'd be content. But it would still hurt.

There are so many times in a person's life when you have to suck it up and take the risk that you will end up hurting. You have to feel fear about doing something and taking a risk and then you have to take a deep breath and do it anyway even though it's scary. And I suppose in a way it is that initial fear and the difficulty of achieving a goal that makes life so much sweeter once you get to the top of the mountain. But my God, when you are at the bottom of that mountain actually looking upwards and feeling that fear in the pit of your stomach it is so hard to put youor feet forward and start taking those first steps.

I think back to when we first did IVF and how scary it was only because I was scared of failing. They put that embryo in and thankfully it held on and grew strong and became my son, but I was so scared it wouldn't. I had so much fear about every aspect of the process at the time. On the day we got the results I feared hearing those words "I'm sorry, you aren't pregnant" so much it was like to hear them would physically hurt me. The nurse clicked away on her computer keyboard checking the system for the answer that would change our lives and everything hung in the balance. I sat on the other end of that phone and waited to hear the words. I braced myself for the worst and tried to turn myself to steel so the words couldn't hurt me. Instead I heard "Congratulations! You're pregnant!" and I cried with relief. I never had to learn that day just how much the alternative sentence would have hurt. Now that we are approaching our second and last shot at IVF I am worried that I might find out.

What if it doesn't work? What will I do? How will I feel? I am scared because I don't know. Will I be ok since I already have a child? Maybe I will be able to just be thankful for what I have and walk away and still consider the story to have a happy ending. Then again, at the moment the story already has a happy ending. If we try again will we change the ending to a sad one if it doesn't work? I think about Nickie and what it would feel like to lose him and it is a pain that I can't even comprehend or imagine. Will failing at IVF feel like that or will it be to a lesser degree since it is a child I have never known like I know Nickie? I remember what it felt like after I had the embryo transfer and I remember feeling so totally connected to my baby from the start even though I totally didn't know whether it was even going to get to become a baby yet. I know that had I have got bad news on results day it would have been awful. Will it feel as bad or will the blow be cushioned by Nickie's presence?

I guess as well that deep down I am also scared about what comes after. There have been some developments lately and I am having some medical problems which might mean I will have to go onto some medication if the IVF isn't successful. While I am on this medication I won't be capable of falling pregnant. I am very fearful at the moment of being 26 and having to already put the baby making part of my life behind me. I hope I have the strength to cope with it and move on and just focus on loving and cherishing my son. But at the same time I am worried that I will feel lost. For many years now my life has been driven by trying to become a mother. After bringing Nicholas home from hospital I felt mild guilt at the strange feelings I was having. It was kind of like a "now what?" kind of feeling. Like an athlete who had spent 10 years training for the Olympics would feel after it was all over and they had won gold. When your goal is gone what are you supposed to do with your time? I'm scared of life feeling like that.

The grass is green on this side too!

Hi everyone - it feels really weird saying that because nobody reads this haha! If there is anyone that IS actually a follower do me a favour and let me know :)

Things keep happening and events keep coming and going which remind me how much time has passed and how much things have changed in my life. Believe it or not this revelation was sparked today when I watched the new season premiere of Lipstick Jungle (a show I quite like) and I realised I couldn't remember what happened last season. I tried to think back to when exactly it was that last season aired and I realised it was before I was even pregnant with Nickie - it seems like a million years ago. Then I thought back to how "life used to feel" when I didn't have him and was still trying my best to make him a reality. It was so different. Now I go to work, I go out with friends, I get up early with Nicholas and try to sneak a cup of coffee when I can, but I do it all while feeling at peace.

I always felt so restless before like I was chasing something unattainable, and trying to have a child when I didn't think it would ever happen became a shadow that put darkness over everything. Before Nickie I would still go to work and go out with friends but I always felt while I sat at my desk or in that restaurant that my heart was somewhere else. It was also like everyone else seemed to have what I wanted. There in the ladies room at the nightclub would be a conversation of mothers who had snuck away for a night of freedom. How I longed to be at home tucking my child into bed and I would feel such resentment towards them for longing to be without "baggage" like I was. At the restaurant where I sat with my friend would be the table where a family sat. The kids would be fighting and the parents would be tired but I would look at them with envy.

This week is Mother's Day - my first one after so many years of wishing. This momentus occasion has also got me feeling reflective. Many years ago when Brad and I used to rent a little flat together long before we ever even thought about kids, I bought a chrysanthamum plant and planted it in our little flower bed. It had no symbolic signifigance at the time but after awhile it became a reminder of my goal of becoming a mother. Every year just before Mother's Day those flowers would come out and bloom brillantly as if to remind me that another year had passed without my baby coming into the world. "One day," I would think "those flowers will bloom for a Mother's Day that will include me." I became so focused on it that when we moved out of the little flat and into this house I dug up the plant and took it with us and now it is next to our letterbox. Last year when it bloomed I was waiting for our IVF results to see if I was pregnant and I was full of hope for what might be ahead. A few weeks ago I awoke to find the first flower just coming out and a few days later all the flowers were in full bloom once again. I stood there at my letterbox with the mail in my hand and shed a few tears of quiet gratitude.

To all the Mum's out there I wish you a Happy Mother's Day. And to all the women out there wanting and trying to be a Mum then most of all I wish you a peaceful Mother's Day. One day I hope it will be YOUR year and until then try not to let that shadow overcast the joy in your life. If there is one thing this journey has taught me it is how much we all spend our lives peering over each other's metephorical fences and admiring the green grass. But you know what? It is amazing to discover once you stop and take a deep breath and a good look around that there is plenty of green grass on THIS side too. Nobody could have told me that and got me to agree whilst I was trying to have a baby so I know I will be saying this in vain. Nevertheless I want to say it because it really is true.

I want to close with some lyrics to a song that became importaant to me during my struggle. It's called "The Heart of Life" by John Mayer and the sentiment behind it is really true. I realise that even more so now when I hold my son. There are some rough bumps in the road but deep down life is really pretty amazing.

"I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear, so turn off your tears, and listen.
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it don't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good."

I wished on so many stars...

There are days like today when I wake up and feel incredibly grateful for what I have and the guilt about wanting more makes me feel like an awful person. Not that anyone actually reads this blog yet (haha) but just in case, I want you all to know that I do realise how incredibly blessed I am and not a day goes by when I don't feel like getting down on my knees to thank God or the universe or whoever or whatever it is that sends us such precious joy. It's just that this blog is kind of about my struggle with infertility so I tend to write a lot about that. I don't want you all to think however, that that is all I can find in my life, when it also includes a beautiful baby boy and a wonderful loving husband.

Today I was holding Nickie, and the line that I have used for today's title popped into my head: "I wished on so many stars for you". It is so true because I really did. I have lost count of the number of stars, blown out birthday candles, chicken wishbones, four leaf clovers..you name it..that I used to make wishes that Nickie would find his way into my life. It was always a wish that I made thinking that it would never be realised. I never thought I was lucky enough. So you could forgive me now for sometimes having to stop and pinch myself to check that yes this beautiful happy, healthy boy belongs to me and to Brad. A friend of mine and myself were, the other day, discussing my hope that Nickie will have a brother or sister someday. I wondered aloud whether I could defy the odds and get pregnant naturally without the help of IVF. She said "wow if you could get pregnant naturally it would be a miracle baby!" and I had to abruptly correct her. You see, I already HAVE a miracle baby. His name is Nicholas and he will always be my very first miracle. If he turns out to be my only miracle then how could I complain about that!?

Sometimes people who know our story comment on Nickie's birth and the fact that he is here and one common phrase that constantly seems to pop up is "meant to be". I totally agree. Some people might think that IVF is a form of playing God but I would passionately debate that opinion. I know people who took tons of tries at IVF to get their "miracle baby". I know couples who took only one try like us. I know many more couples who are still trying and are yet to bring home a little bundle of joy and even more still who did achieve a pregnancy and then had all their dreams dashed by miscarriage. My point is that yes we are all getting help to achieve what we want and to beat the medical problems that are preventing us from creating a family. We are putting a ready made embryo into our wombs to try to become parents. But it is still up to God whether that embryo hangs on and keeps growing. Brad tells me off constantly for thinking too much about this whole process because I really can sometimes drive us both crazy with the "what ifs". I ask myself "what if we had have done ........ differently?" Would we still have our boy? Because I hate questions that I don't know the answer to, the fact that nobody will ever know drives me nuts. I have to say as well that the thought of how easy it might have been to NOT have Nicholas in my life really terrifies me as stupid as that sounds, since he is indeed right here.

We had two embryos and I often wonder if that lab technician had have simply selected the other one that day, what would've happened? Would we have a completely different baby right now and would Nickie be still an embryo in a lab freezer? Would the other embryo have been weaker and not made it and so would I still be sitting here wishing on those stars?

I wonder about the personality of the embryo that we still do have in storage and wonder who it is going to be some day and whether it will have a chance to live. I wonder if it is cold in that freezer - a thought that Brad thinks is eerie yet ridiculous. I wonder if Nickie's success at "hanging on" and getting here was caused by anything in particular. Was it the acupuncture, my mood, the music I listened to that day, the fact that I had an afternoon nap that day? Could any of those things have changed the outcome or would he have got here anyway?

So to all those people who dispute IVF or think it might be playing God, I completely respect your opinion. But that is why I don't share it. With so many contributing factors and so many things that could have become obstacles in my son's journey I really do have to come to the same conclusion that everyone else seems to when they see him: that he really was "meant to be".

Obviously it pays to wish on stars :)

The green eyed monster

I always felt a jealousy when people informed me they were pregnant or when I saw a pregnant woman in the shops buying baby clothes or something like that. When I was finally pregnant myself with Nicholas I saw the jealousy in others sometimes. Brad and I once went to see Sara, our IVF nurse, to show her our 20 week ultrasound pics as the IVF clinic was in the same building as the ultrasound clinic. I walked in and I felt the eyes of all the women waiting in that reception area boring into me with so much yearning. I felt really terrible for going because I remembered how when I was in their position a pregnant woman in my vicinity was very hard to deal with. I came home that day and cried both for how lucky I was and how unlucky they were - the same as how I once had been unlucky too. Unlucky to be "infertile", unlucky to be still waiting for a miracle, unlucky to have their baby making experience - something that should be beautiful and natural - marred by clinical jargon, blood tests, doctors visits and timed sex.

I felt such relief after having Nickie that that jealousy would be something I could say goodbye to...or so I thought. I can't remember if I have said this already but my sister in law, Rhea (Brad's sister) is pregnant after having a miscarriage last year. I don't want anyone to think I don't wish her well because I do. I am so incredibly thrilled for both her and her husband Paul. They are a wonderful couple who will make this lucky baby a fabulous set of parents. Both Brad and I were devastated when they lost their baby last year and we were all dying to hear the wonderful news that they had been blessed with another pregnancy. But I was listening to Rhea talk to me on the phone today about how tired she was and how she was trying to hold out until 12 weeks to buy something for the baby and I felt a feeling which made me stop in my tracks. I realised it was jealousy! I spoke to Brad about it later because I felt absolutely terrible for feeling even a hint of jealousy when my little precious miracle boy was wrapped up safely sleeping in his cot.

I guess it's just the fact, not that I am desperately feeling like I "need" to be pregnant again right now, but that I want the choice. I guess I feel resentful that I don't actually have that choice and I'm jealous of those who do. Not that I wish them any harm or wish they weren't pregnant, I just wish I could join their club! I wish I knew for sure that there was a brother or sister in store for Nickie and another pregnancy and birth in my future.

The ghost line

This post kind of echoes my last one, regarding the wonderful invention that is a home pregnancy test. I really think they should put addiction warnings on the packages like they do for cigarettes. Every time I take a test I imagine Brad on Oprah telling her all about how his wife's addiction to "pee on a sticks" cost us our home and put us into debt haha. I have begun to fall back into the world of analysing every symptom and wondering if it could spell pregnancy. "That hamburger has given me heartburn! Could I be knocked up?!" it's ridiculous! But what's even more ridiculous is the way us desperate women start to believe our own fantasties. You might not have had sex in four years but when you pee on that stick somehow you believe that it COULD be a possibility that you might see that elusive pink line.

Today I did a pregnancy test even though it is only cycle day 24 - too early by just about every test's standards for a positive result. I stood there in my bathroom waiting for that line to show with one half of my brain, and the other half of my brain was laughing at me for wasting 12 dollars buying the test. I was about to throw the test in the bin when the light caught it in just the right way so that I caught the slightest hint of a shadowy second line. It has not the least hint of colour and is almost invisible unless the test is held at the correct angle. I can't make up my mind whether it could be a positive that is too early to show up properly or whether it is an indent line where the positive result would show if it was there. I have made up my mind to wait until Thursday to retest and to stop being an idiot overanalysing everything. I am a grown woman for goodness sake!

On a different note Brad, Nickie and I spent our first Easter together as a family and it was beautiful. Nickie woke up to an easter egg and a toy rabbit left for him by none other than the Easter bunny. It made my heart ache with happiness as having a child to spend the holidays with has been a dream of mine for so long now, and one I never thought would be fufilled. I thought of all the other women out there longing for a baby and thinking it will never happen to them. My Easter wish is that all our bodies could work properly and that we could all have our babies. Everybody that has a mother's heart should have that beautiful chance to carry and cuddle their child. I never thought I would be so blessed and thankfully I was wrong. If you are one of the many women out there who are in this boat, then you are in my thoughts this easter as you are each and every day. Happy easter everybody!