Hi all thank you so much for the lovely comments I have recieved in relation to your understanding regarding my "name". You are all awesome :)
Well I went and had my ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus. I was a little nervous at having to bring Nickie and also because last time I had this ultrasound (before they implanted the embryo that turned out to be my beautiful boy) it turned into a big drama. I have a number of cysts on my ovaries because I have PCOS but this particular time they saw something that looked like a larger cyst and it sparked a whole investigation into what it was. They wondered at first whether it was a corpus luteum which would have suggested that I ovulated on my own and therefore they would have had to delay the embryo transfer. It ended up being nothing major but it was very stressful at the time because all I wanted was to have my embryo put in, yet I had to be subjected to numerous blood tests and extra ultrasounds first before I got the green light. I was hoping this time would be more straightforward.
Well I got my wish. I went in and Nickie sat in his stroller playing with his toy giraffe. he was quiet the whole time. Every now and then he looked up and checked to see what I was doing, and then when he saw I was right there he would give me a look that said "oh ok, there you are, everything's fine" and then he would go back to his toy. I was so proud of him, what a gem!! They did the ultrasound and then I had to go home and wait for my nurse to call, which she just has now. She told me that the ultrasound was perfect and that my embryo transfer will be Thursday the 18th of June!!! I'm so excited. This time next week I could be pregnant. If you could all send out your very best prayers/good vibes etc that the embryo will thaw successfully (as there is a 5-10% chance it won't survive thawing) and obviously that the transfer goes well that would be so good.
Just quickly before I sign off as Nickie has just gone to bed for a nap and I really do need to do some housework I just wanted to share with you all that I'm so proud of him because he is getting so close to rolling over! I got some great pics of him yesterday which I would love to post here but I guess it defeats the purpose of anonymity if I'm posting photos. Hmmm. haha
He is getting so so big, time is flying by. It seems like only yesterday they were putting him in my "tummy" and I was saying my prayers that he would hold on! Thank goodness he did. Here's hoping his has a little brother or sister on the way soon.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Didn't get much sleep last night
***Update*** Nothing to do with the original post but I just wanted to add how excited I am because I learnt something technological today! I used the help function to put music on my blog. I have seen other people have them on their blogs and have been very jealous lol. Now my blog is less crap haha. So excited. Yay to me! Now on to my original post....
Morning everyone. I am a bit bleary eyed as I write this. I'm having a bit of trouble sleeping at the moment just because of everything going on. Whenever I'm stressed or worried or upset the sleep is the first thing out the window. When I was going through my previous IVF cycle I spent many a sleepless night wandering the house and watching bad TV, and when I was pregnant I was well known for my 3am linen cupboard cleanouts. Old habits, huh?
I have a few things circling my head - first and foremost is of course the IVF cycle that we are in the midst of. I have been taking my Progynova three times a day (a HRT drug for those not familiar with the process) since June 1 and thankfully I haven't felt that much different than I normally do. I remember getting pretty hot and cold last time on it, but so far nothing. Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check my uterus lining to see how it's looking in preparation for the embryo. This is kind of laughable but I'm not really nervous exactly about the ultrasound itself, I'm more nervous about the fact that I will have to take Nickie along and I hope he is going to be a good boy while Mummy is laying down getting the ultrasound haha. I will let you know how that goes.
The second thing weighing on my heart is this dreadful April Rose blog scam that is going on at the moment. I don't know if any of you were followers of the website, but more and more details seem to be coming to light to suggest it was completely false. Of course no one has any proof one way or the other but the whole story is sad whichever way you want to look at it. It really didn't help to put me in a sleeping mood when I was thinking about it last night.
Nickie got up at 7am this morning which is normal time for him, and I am currently working on a sleep settling routine with him that my maternal health nurse reccommended to me. Basically the gist of it is that instead of rocking or nursing them to sleep you put them to bed awake and they settle themselves off to sleep. It has been working really well so far. He usually gets up and has a bottle then after about 1.5-2 hours I see him get a little sleepy looking so I pick him up and put him in his cot and 8 times out of 10 he will have a little sleepy chat to himself for 10min before he drifts off. This morning though, the one time Mummy is exhausted and wants to sneak back to bed for a morning nap of her own was the one morning he refused to let sleep take over. Infants are so funny when they fight off sleep. Nickie particularly will start to feel the sleep wash over him and start to try to shake it off. It's really hilarious to watch actually, but frustrating sometimes. He had a morning play on a rug on the floor with his toy giraffe that he loves and I pottered around and did a few things. Next thing I look over and he has gone to sleep so I picked him up and put him in his cot. His reaction to this was to scream. I go back in and pick him up and he is quiet again and the eyes start to get droopy so back in the cot he goes. He screams again. This went on for awhile until I thought "well these tears are not very genuine, next time I will wait 5 or 10 min before I go in." so when he started crying again that's what I did. His crying started to get louder and louder and then he legitimately started to sound upset rather than just protesting so in I rush. I open the door and the crying stops instantly and he sees me and he grins the hugest smile and squeals in delight at the top of his lungs. I scoop him up whilst trying to keep on my serious face and he starts laughing. There weren't even any tears in his eyes. That boy is one smart cookie.
Have a great day everyone!
Morning everyone. I am a bit bleary eyed as I write this. I'm having a bit of trouble sleeping at the moment just because of everything going on. Whenever I'm stressed or worried or upset the sleep is the first thing out the window. When I was going through my previous IVF cycle I spent many a sleepless night wandering the house and watching bad TV, and when I was pregnant I was well known for my 3am linen cupboard cleanouts. Old habits, huh?
I have a few things circling my head - first and foremost is of course the IVF cycle that we are in the midst of. I have been taking my Progynova three times a day (a HRT drug for those not familiar with the process) since June 1 and thankfully I haven't felt that much different than I normally do. I remember getting pretty hot and cold last time on it, but so far nothing. Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check my uterus lining to see how it's looking in preparation for the embryo. This is kind of laughable but I'm not really nervous exactly about the ultrasound itself, I'm more nervous about the fact that I will have to take Nickie along and I hope he is going to be a good boy while Mummy is laying down getting the ultrasound haha. I will let you know how that goes.
The second thing weighing on my heart is this dreadful April Rose blog scam that is going on at the moment. I don't know if any of you were followers of the website, but more and more details seem to be coming to light to suggest it was completely false. Of course no one has any proof one way or the other but the whole story is sad whichever way you want to look at it. It really didn't help to put me in a sleeping mood when I was thinking about it last night.
Nickie got up at 7am this morning which is normal time for him, and I am currently working on a sleep settling routine with him that my maternal health nurse reccommended to me. Basically the gist of it is that instead of rocking or nursing them to sleep you put them to bed awake and they settle themselves off to sleep. It has been working really well so far. He usually gets up and has a bottle then after about 1.5-2 hours I see him get a little sleepy looking so I pick him up and put him in his cot and 8 times out of 10 he will have a little sleepy chat to himself for 10min before he drifts off. This morning though, the one time Mummy is exhausted and wants to sneak back to bed for a morning nap of her own was the one morning he refused to let sleep take over. Infants are so funny when they fight off sleep. Nickie particularly will start to feel the sleep wash over him and start to try to shake it off. It's really hilarious to watch actually, but frustrating sometimes. He had a morning play on a rug on the floor with his toy giraffe that he loves and I pottered around and did a few things. Next thing I look over and he has gone to sleep so I picked him up and put him in his cot. His reaction to this was to scream. I go back in and pick him up and he is quiet again and the eyes start to get droopy so back in the cot he goes. He screams again. This went on for awhile until I thought "well these tears are not very genuine, next time I will wait 5 or 10 min before I go in." so when he started crying again that's what I did. His crying started to get louder and louder and then he legitimately started to sound upset rather than just protesting so in I rush. I open the door and the crying stops instantly and he sees me and he grins the hugest smile and squeals in delight at the top of his lungs. I scoop him up whilst trying to keep on my serious face and he starts laughing. There weren't even any tears in his eyes. That boy is one smart cookie.
Have a great day everyone!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The ugly side of blogging
Hi everyone. There is a blog that I'm sure many of you have visited in the past few months. It featured the story of "B" a young unwed mother to be who was expecting a little baby, April Rose. Little April had been diagnosed with Trisomy 13 in utero and was not expected to survive. Against all odds, April did survive to full term and was born a day or two ago much to my delight and to a lot of other readers as well. Then all of a sudden, the site had most of its content deleted and there are now rumors all over the internet that the whole thing was an elaborate hoax designed for everything from attention to money gained from people's sympathetic donations as well as advetisements on the blog.
I have been a follower of "B" and April's for many months now. I have shed many tears and I rejoiced when April was born alive. At the moment I really don't know what to believe and I just find the whole thing extremely sad. I know someone whose little boy was born with Trisomy 13 and died just moments after his birth, and I know first hand the torment that she experienced. It is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy and this is particularly brought home to me now that I am a mother myself. I feel so sad and hurt at the possibility that while all of us were touched emotionally by April, there might have been someone behind the scenes having a laugh at our expense. I find the thought of that really disgusting and cruel.
But on the other hand, none of us really know for sure if it IS a hoax. For all we know somewhere out there in the big wide world there really is an April who is fighting for life and hanging on to each breath, while her distraught mother looks on helpless. All the while this brand new family is being pushed down by emails of hate and rumours that their struggle and their sorrow is fictional. That would be more than I could bear, I'm sure. I hope whatever has happened - fact or fiction - that everything turns out as well as it can in the end.
Whatever has taken place here has sparked a confession of my own. I hate the thought of dishonesty I really do and so I have to let everyone in on something because it is not sitting right with me after the events of today with this blog. My name is fictional. Nothing else about me is. I have struggled with infertility, I have an almost 5 month old son from an IVF cycle, and I am in the middle of another IVF cycle as I write this. I have a beautiful husband who cooks chicken wellington and a wonderful sister in law who is expecting a baby in December following a miscarriage last year. The only part of the story I have changed is our names.
I am really very sorry if this upsets anyone, but I feel I had a good reason. I touched on the topic of my sister briefly a few posts back and the reason for my anonymity on my blog is mainly because of something she did. If you missed the first post explaining about her let me explain again that my sister struggles with addiction, is very mixed up and doesn't behave rationally. Throughout my journey through infertility I was a regular on a message board on a certain website for infertile women. I poured my heart out to the women there and made many friends. After a few years I discovered one of those women was my sister posing as someone and using the message board to befriend me and find out details about my life. Apparently she googled me and because my nickname on the site was identical to my nickname in my email address she located me quite easily on the message boards and I guess she thought it would be fun to play this trick on me. When I decided to blog here I decided instead of using my real name and exposing my family to her games again, that I would pick a name I liked for me and the other people in my life to be known as in order to protect our privacy.
Once again I apologise and hope I haven't offended anyone. To be honest i started blogging mainly for myself and never really thought I'd get any readers who would be interested in my life! So I didn't think this issue would really matter in the long term. But I love all the friendship you guys have given me and I don't want to be dishonest even if it's just a little white lie. I'd still like to be known as Paxton if that's ok and for my little boy to be Nickie etc. I feel more comfortable that way in light of past events which I have explained. It's not because I don't trust anyone here, it's just that nothing on the net is really private is it? :) I hope you will still remain my friends and my readers and that you don't feel I have been deceitful to you, and that you will all allow me to remain your friend too. I am loving sharing our journies with each other and I do wish that I could be as brave as some of you all are being putting your whole life out there in the world wide web, unashamedly.
Your friend still - I hope!
"Paxton"
I have been a follower of "B" and April's for many months now. I have shed many tears and I rejoiced when April was born alive. At the moment I really don't know what to believe and I just find the whole thing extremely sad. I know someone whose little boy was born with Trisomy 13 and died just moments after his birth, and I know first hand the torment that she experienced. It is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy and this is particularly brought home to me now that I am a mother myself. I feel so sad and hurt at the possibility that while all of us were touched emotionally by April, there might have been someone behind the scenes having a laugh at our expense. I find the thought of that really disgusting and cruel.
But on the other hand, none of us really know for sure if it IS a hoax. For all we know somewhere out there in the big wide world there really is an April who is fighting for life and hanging on to each breath, while her distraught mother looks on helpless. All the while this brand new family is being pushed down by emails of hate and rumours that their struggle and their sorrow is fictional. That would be more than I could bear, I'm sure. I hope whatever has happened - fact or fiction - that everything turns out as well as it can in the end.
Whatever has taken place here has sparked a confession of my own. I hate the thought of dishonesty I really do and so I have to let everyone in on something because it is not sitting right with me after the events of today with this blog. My name is fictional. Nothing else about me is. I have struggled with infertility, I have an almost 5 month old son from an IVF cycle, and I am in the middle of another IVF cycle as I write this. I have a beautiful husband who cooks chicken wellington and a wonderful sister in law who is expecting a baby in December following a miscarriage last year. The only part of the story I have changed is our names.
I am really very sorry if this upsets anyone, but I feel I had a good reason. I touched on the topic of my sister briefly a few posts back and the reason for my anonymity on my blog is mainly because of something she did. If you missed the first post explaining about her let me explain again that my sister struggles with addiction, is very mixed up and doesn't behave rationally. Throughout my journey through infertility I was a regular on a message board on a certain website for infertile women. I poured my heart out to the women there and made many friends. After a few years I discovered one of those women was my sister posing as someone and using the message board to befriend me and find out details about my life. Apparently she googled me and because my nickname on the site was identical to my nickname in my email address she located me quite easily on the message boards and I guess she thought it would be fun to play this trick on me. When I decided to blog here I decided instead of using my real name and exposing my family to her games again, that I would pick a name I liked for me and the other people in my life to be known as in order to protect our privacy.
Once again I apologise and hope I haven't offended anyone. To be honest i started blogging mainly for myself and never really thought I'd get any readers who would be interested in my life! So I didn't think this issue would really matter in the long term. But I love all the friendship you guys have given me and I don't want to be dishonest even if it's just a little white lie. I'd still like to be known as Paxton if that's ok and for my little boy to be Nickie etc. I feel more comfortable that way in light of past events which I have explained. It's not because I don't trust anyone here, it's just that nothing on the net is really private is it? :) I hope you will still remain my friends and my readers and that you don't feel I have been deceitful to you, and that you will all allow me to remain your friend too. I am loving sharing our journies with each other and I do wish that I could be as brave as some of you all are being putting your whole life out there in the world wide web, unashamedly.
Your friend still - I hope!
"Paxton"
Monday, June 8, 2009
Having a negative day
Hi everyone. Does anyone relate to me when I say that infertility consists of many different days - some negative and some positive? I am approaching my upcoming IVF treatment with emotions that swing from one extreme to the other. Some days are what i like to call "positive days" where I feel like nothing is going to come between me and a positive result. If making a baby could be achieved by just wanting one then I would be Octomum! I look at Nickie with such love and I just know in my heart of hearts that I will get to be a mum to another baby. Then there are days like today when I am just about ready to throw in the towel. Days when I feel very lost, very scared and very alone. I just wish I had a crystal ball!
Today I rang Rhea to ask her if my IVF cycle ends up being unsuccessful, could she and Paul please come and pick up the bassinet that is sitting in the corner of our bedroom, still put together from when Nickie slept in it. She was kind of taken aback and asked me didn't I want to put it away for awhile until I decide what to do with it for sure. She said her and Paul didn't mind going out and getting their own if I didn't feel like parting with it yet. I said no, that if we got a negative result, then I wanted it out of my house. I don't want it hanging around reminding me that there won't be any babies sleeping in it ever again. Most of all, if I have to start dealing with the fact that I'm not going to be a Mum again, then I want to start dealing with it properly. I don't want baby bits and pieces that Nickie has outgrown, hanging around and tempting me to cling to futile hope.
I feel so unprepared to say goodbye to having babies. I know, I know, I already have one. I know that. I'm thankful for that. But why does that have to be the end for me. Why can't I have lots of babies? Why can't I have a big family with lots of brothers and sisters for Nickie to play with? I feel so resentful today. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not over yet, we still have our embryo transfer to come. If it worked for us once then it can work again. But I think about hearing those words on the end of the phone in a few weeks that it hasn't worked and I wonder what I will do then. I came into this battle with the goal of being a mother and I achieved that, thank God! I have my precious little boy. I'm his mother and always will be. I won! So why does it still hurt so bad, and why do I feel like in a way I still lost? I don't understand myself.
Brad was wonderful to me this weekend. Here in Australia it is a long weekend for the Queen's Birthday holiday. I only work Monday's and Friday's and so that means I have a super long weekend because with Monday being a no work day I am not due back behind my desk till Friday. I'm glad as I feel I really need this chill out time. I am very tired, physically but mostly emotionally. I know this is hard on Brad having a moody wife so I really appreciated the fact that he seemed to throw himself into making this weekend what he called "mummy time". He wants me to be as relaxed as I can be so he has tried to help out with Nickie as much as possible. He also cooked a very very impressive dinner last night - ladies prepare to be jealous! He made chicken wellington with a prawn and white wine sauce and roast vegetables. No he is not a chef, both of us just really love to cook for each other. He really excelled himself. This afternoon Nickie had a super long afternoon nap so I curled up in bed with a good book for a couple of hours and chilled out while Brad did some vacuuming!
Brad came up with the beautiful suggestion that after the IVF is over, if it is unsuccessful we should throw ourselves into celebrating Nickie being here. He asked me how I felt about throwing him a Naming Day party. I really like the idea and the fact that it will give me something joyful to focus on. I especially appreciated it because Brad is not religious at all and really hates things like that. When I originally suggested a christening he said "no way" and so I suggested a naming day as an alternative but he wasn't really keen on that either. Obviously he is making an effort to do something that will make me happy and I love him for that.
Thursday is our ultrasound to check my uterus lining. We have decided that I will go by myself because it is a 5 minute thing and it seems pointless for Brad to take time off work to come, when if all goes to plan, he will have to take more time off next week for an embryo transfer. We don't want to upset his work too much, and I am a big girl and have done this before so that is the plan. As some of you might remember, we have not told anyone about the fact that we are undertaking IVF again except for Rhea and Paul. I was hoping, as Thursday is Rhea's day off that she would be able to watch Nickie for an hour while I went for my ultrasound. Unfortuneately though, she has an OB appointment and so she is understandabley busy. So it looks like Nickie will be accompanying Mummy to her ultrasound as I can't ask my mum to help out without explaining myself. I hope that he is a good boy! Maybe he will be like my own personal good luck charm. I hope so!
Today I rang Rhea to ask her if my IVF cycle ends up being unsuccessful, could she and Paul please come and pick up the bassinet that is sitting in the corner of our bedroom, still put together from when Nickie slept in it. She was kind of taken aback and asked me didn't I want to put it away for awhile until I decide what to do with it for sure. She said her and Paul didn't mind going out and getting their own if I didn't feel like parting with it yet. I said no, that if we got a negative result, then I wanted it out of my house. I don't want it hanging around reminding me that there won't be any babies sleeping in it ever again. Most of all, if I have to start dealing with the fact that I'm not going to be a Mum again, then I want to start dealing with it properly. I don't want baby bits and pieces that Nickie has outgrown, hanging around and tempting me to cling to futile hope.
I feel so unprepared to say goodbye to having babies. I know, I know, I already have one. I know that. I'm thankful for that. But why does that have to be the end for me. Why can't I have lots of babies? Why can't I have a big family with lots of brothers and sisters for Nickie to play with? I feel so resentful today. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not over yet, we still have our embryo transfer to come. If it worked for us once then it can work again. But I think about hearing those words on the end of the phone in a few weeks that it hasn't worked and I wonder what I will do then. I came into this battle with the goal of being a mother and I achieved that, thank God! I have my precious little boy. I'm his mother and always will be. I won! So why does it still hurt so bad, and why do I feel like in a way I still lost? I don't understand myself.
Brad was wonderful to me this weekend. Here in Australia it is a long weekend for the Queen's Birthday holiday. I only work Monday's and Friday's and so that means I have a super long weekend because with Monday being a no work day I am not due back behind my desk till Friday. I'm glad as I feel I really need this chill out time. I am very tired, physically but mostly emotionally. I know this is hard on Brad having a moody wife so I really appreciated the fact that he seemed to throw himself into making this weekend what he called "mummy time". He wants me to be as relaxed as I can be so he has tried to help out with Nickie as much as possible. He also cooked a very very impressive dinner last night - ladies prepare to be jealous! He made chicken wellington with a prawn and white wine sauce and roast vegetables. No he is not a chef, both of us just really love to cook for each other. He really excelled himself. This afternoon Nickie had a super long afternoon nap so I curled up in bed with a good book for a couple of hours and chilled out while Brad did some vacuuming!
Brad came up with the beautiful suggestion that after the IVF is over, if it is unsuccessful we should throw ourselves into celebrating Nickie being here. He asked me how I felt about throwing him a Naming Day party. I really like the idea and the fact that it will give me something joyful to focus on. I especially appreciated it because Brad is not religious at all and really hates things like that. When I originally suggested a christening he said "no way" and so I suggested a naming day as an alternative but he wasn't really keen on that either. Obviously he is making an effort to do something that will make me happy and I love him for that.
Thursday is our ultrasound to check my uterus lining. We have decided that I will go by myself because it is a 5 minute thing and it seems pointless for Brad to take time off work to come, when if all goes to plan, he will have to take more time off next week for an embryo transfer. We don't want to upset his work too much, and I am a big girl and have done this before so that is the plan. As some of you might remember, we have not told anyone about the fact that we are undertaking IVF again except for Rhea and Paul. I was hoping, as Thursday is Rhea's day off that she would be able to watch Nickie for an hour while I went for my ultrasound. Unfortuneately though, she has an OB appointment and so she is understandabley busy. So it looks like Nickie will be accompanying Mummy to her ultrasound as I can't ask my mum to help out without explaining myself. I hope that he is a good boy! Maybe he will be like my own personal good luck charm. I hope so!
Friday, June 5, 2009
The happy and the sad
First of all yay I have followers now, how very exciting! Thank you guys for stopping by, I appreciate the support and a big thanks to Mimi for sending some new friends over to say hello.
This post is a mixed one of a few emotions I have been feeling lately. I am thrilled to report that Rhea and Paul's ultrasound couldn't have gone better and Rhea is now 13 weeks pregnant exactly, with one very healthy and happy bubba. She is extremely excited and says she can't wait to start shopping up a storm. We saw them for dinner last night after they recieved the wonderful report from their ultrasound appointment and let me say they are one happy couple. Brad and I are so excited about becoming an aunty and uncle, and that Nickie will soon be a big cousin. One thing that especially makes me happy is that because we are all very close it will be lovely for Nickie to have a cousin that he is close to in age to play with, just in case we can't give him a brother or a sister. This is something that weighs on my mind a lot and so I am pleased that it looks like he will get the next best thing.
But from one extreme to the other, the weirdest thing happened to me today and it actually made me incredibly sad and also angry in a way too. I work in an office on reception two days a week and I recieved a call today from a really horrible woman. She was abrupt and rude and very uppity, like she was the most important person in the world and I was extremely inferior which annoyed me to begin with. She was enquiring about a bill she had recieved as she was unclear on what it was for, and when I asked her for her account number so I could look into it, she snapped at me and said "I don't have that" so I said that was fine, I could still help her if she could be so kind as to give me her details so I could search for her record and bring up her file so I could see it. I asked her for her name and address etc and she said to me "look I am a DOCTOR and I am too busy for this nonsense. I have PATIENTS to see and you are making me late." I felt like hanging up on her, but of course, keeping the customer service hat on I had to apologise to her and explain that although I regretted I was inconveniencing her, I did need her details to find her record. She reluctantly provided them and I nearly died when I realised who she was. This woman was none other than the very first specialist Brad and I saw when we initially thought something might be wrong as I had not gotten pregnant in a year of trying. She was not only the most uncompassionate doctor I have ever seen in my life with absolutely no bedside manner, she also totally misdiagnosed me. She did one or two tests on me and never even tested Brad and declared that nothing was wrong with us, we must be trying too hard. When I disagreed and said "well why do I get such heavy and irregular periods, and sometimes none at all as well as terrible pain at times? With all baby making aside surely that is something wrong in itself" her answer was to tell me that it was probably because my hormones were a little out of whack and they would probably improve on their own with changes in my diet and lifestyle and maybe the loss of a few kilos. Her assessment left us feeling stupid for jumping to conclusions and we kept trying for another six months to fall pregnant before we finally got the courage to get a second opinion. Our second doctor was not only the most lovely man, he also thankfully knew what he was talking about. Three visits to him and we had uncovered that not only did I have PCOS and wasn't ovulating, but Brad's sperm was also what they call triple defective (low count, irregular in shape, and not the best swimmers). So not only was there definitely something wrong with us after all, but we (according to pretty much every doctor that we have seen since then) are facing a slim chance if any of getting pregnant without the help of IVF.
It made me completely sick to think that not only was this woman responsible for us losing valuable time and starting us on an emotional rollercoaster ride (it was awful to find all this info out about our lack of fertility after being given the all clear) but she also obviously has the nerve to ring people up and act like she is such an important person. I would have given anything to have said something to her, but of course professionalism prevented me from doing so. I am not sure why but the experience rattled me for the rest of the day and made me feel angry, but also extremely sad.
I was amazed though at how quick this sadness was eased by the surprise that I got when Brad picked me up from work at the end of the day. I expected to see just Brad, and for Nickie to still be with my mum at home. But there was my husband in the drivers seat, and there was my beautiful little boy in the back - he had come along for the ride. Not only that, but through the window when he saw me, he beamed a great big sunny smile and let out a squeal of delight. Suddenly I was on cloud nine. I guess that horrible doctor didn't ruin my day after all - just her own.
This post is a mixed one of a few emotions I have been feeling lately. I am thrilled to report that Rhea and Paul's ultrasound couldn't have gone better and Rhea is now 13 weeks pregnant exactly, with one very healthy and happy bubba. She is extremely excited and says she can't wait to start shopping up a storm. We saw them for dinner last night after they recieved the wonderful report from their ultrasound appointment and let me say they are one happy couple. Brad and I are so excited about becoming an aunty and uncle, and that Nickie will soon be a big cousin. One thing that especially makes me happy is that because we are all very close it will be lovely for Nickie to have a cousin that he is close to in age to play with, just in case we can't give him a brother or a sister. This is something that weighs on my mind a lot and so I am pleased that it looks like he will get the next best thing.
But from one extreme to the other, the weirdest thing happened to me today and it actually made me incredibly sad and also angry in a way too. I work in an office on reception two days a week and I recieved a call today from a really horrible woman. She was abrupt and rude and very uppity, like she was the most important person in the world and I was extremely inferior which annoyed me to begin with. She was enquiring about a bill she had recieved as she was unclear on what it was for, and when I asked her for her account number so I could look into it, she snapped at me and said "I don't have that" so I said that was fine, I could still help her if she could be so kind as to give me her details so I could search for her record and bring up her file so I could see it. I asked her for her name and address etc and she said to me "look I am a DOCTOR and I am too busy for this nonsense. I have PATIENTS to see and you are making me late." I felt like hanging up on her, but of course, keeping the customer service hat on I had to apologise to her and explain that although I regretted I was inconveniencing her, I did need her details to find her record. She reluctantly provided them and I nearly died when I realised who she was. This woman was none other than the very first specialist Brad and I saw when we initially thought something might be wrong as I had not gotten pregnant in a year of trying. She was not only the most uncompassionate doctor I have ever seen in my life with absolutely no bedside manner, she also totally misdiagnosed me. She did one or two tests on me and never even tested Brad and declared that nothing was wrong with us, we must be trying too hard. When I disagreed and said "well why do I get such heavy and irregular periods, and sometimes none at all as well as terrible pain at times? With all baby making aside surely that is something wrong in itself" her answer was to tell me that it was probably because my hormones were a little out of whack and they would probably improve on their own with changes in my diet and lifestyle and maybe the loss of a few kilos. Her assessment left us feeling stupid for jumping to conclusions and we kept trying for another six months to fall pregnant before we finally got the courage to get a second opinion. Our second doctor was not only the most lovely man, he also thankfully knew what he was talking about. Three visits to him and we had uncovered that not only did I have PCOS and wasn't ovulating, but Brad's sperm was also what they call triple defective (low count, irregular in shape, and not the best swimmers). So not only was there definitely something wrong with us after all, but we (according to pretty much every doctor that we have seen since then) are facing a slim chance if any of getting pregnant without the help of IVF.
It made me completely sick to think that not only was this woman responsible for us losing valuable time and starting us on an emotional rollercoaster ride (it was awful to find all this info out about our lack of fertility after being given the all clear) but she also obviously has the nerve to ring people up and act like she is such an important person. I would have given anything to have said something to her, but of course professionalism prevented me from doing so. I am not sure why but the experience rattled me for the rest of the day and made me feel angry, but also extremely sad.
I was amazed though at how quick this sadness was eased by the surprise that I got when Brad picked me up from work at the end of the day. I expected to see just Brad, and for Nickie to still be with my mum at home. But there was my husband in the drivers seat, and there was my beautiful little boy in the back - he had come along for the ride. Not only that, but through the window when he saw me, he beamed a great big sunny smile and let out a squeal of delight. Suddenly I was on cloud nine. I guess that horrible doctor didn't ruin my day after all - just her own.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Keeping secrets
Well we have finally been able to start our IVF cycle and I am feeling much more at peace now that we are in the midst of taking some action instead of just waiting and thinking about it. Things always seem much scarier in their lead up, I find, and then once you actually are able to do them I guess you feel more in control of the situation and therefore they often don't seem as bad. Even though I know I can't control the outcome, in a weird way it feels good to be talking on the phone to our IVF nurse, taking tablets and booking ultrasound appointments because at least I am doing something.
I have been feeling pretty good physically as well and have not had any of the strong side effects that I remember feeling on the medication last time. The process will go a little something like this for those of you that are not familiar with IVF: there will be no needles or surgery for me this time around as we already have our last frozen embryo ready to go. I am currently taking some medication at the moment to trick my body into thinking it's going to ovulate. They can't just put the embryo in at any old time, your body has to be ready to accept it and because the natural conception process takes place at ovulation, my body has to think it's at that stage when they do implant the embryo. I am needing to take this medication because I actually don't ovulate all that often with the condition I have, PCOS. On Thursday June 11 I will be attending my clinic for an ultrasound to check the medication is doing its job and that the lining of my uterus is getting appropriately thick for the embryo. If it is then the embryo transfer will be scheduled for a few days after that, and then I will face a 10-14 day wait for our results. That's the process in a nutshell for you and I hope the explanation made sense!
We have known for a short time that we would be starting an IVF cycle and therefore have been keeping the secret from our friends and family for a while, but if it makes sense, it didn't really feel like a secret because we hadn't officially started yet! Now that we have gone ahead I am starting to feel very guilty at all the sneaking around that we will be doing over the next few weeks. I spent Monday at work quietly whispering on the phone to our IVF nurse, discussing the plan of action and booking our ultrasound appointment and felt like I was doing something illegal.
The person I am most having issues with keeping secrets from is my Mum because we are very close. She babysits Nickie twice a week, on Mondays and Fridays when I work, and we often hang out during the week. Strangley enough, she is actually the reason why we decided to keep this cycle a secret which also makes me feel a little uneasy. It's not that Mum is a bad person, she is not at all, she is just extremely practical. Where as Brad and I are the sort of people who will make choices in a heartbeat when we know they are the right ones, my Mum is kind of scared of change and an absolute champion at procrastination. When she and my Dad decided to downsize their house a few years ago by selling their big house and moving to a little townhouse, Dad got very frustrated with her because she would love a particular property but would never want to put in an offer on it. I think she was so scared that the offer would actually be accepted and then they would actually have to move houses! haha
When I started to have some problems after having Nickie and I started seeing my specialists again I was told then to think about using the embryo soon. I knew from the start that my Mum would have reservations about us having a second baby so close to Nickie. She would be worried about our finances, my health, the fact that it would be a lot of work etc. I decided to broach the subject with her and test the waters and I must know her very well indeed because I was right on the money. Without even hearing me out, when I mentioned the possibilty of using embryo number two she actually laughed and told me how ridiculous those doctors were being even suggesting an idea so ludicrous. She told me how we would never get any sleep, that I would always be tired, that we would be broke seeing as I would have to quit work alltogether and how I should just be thankful for Nicholas and let the embryo go. I kind of shrugged the conversation off as if it was just a notion that had no chance of actually happening and changed the subject. Brad and I decided after that to go it alone.
Even though Mum wasn't exactly supportive, it still feels very wrong to be keeping something so huge from her and I know she will be shocked if and when the day comes that we tell her she is about to be a grandmother again and that we have done the IVF cycle without telling her. I hope she will take it ok and I hope I am not doing the wrong thing by not telling her. I spent the day with her today and took her out to lunch. Nickie sat in his pusher in the window of the cafe with his toy giraffe and watched all the cars and people pass us by with such a look of wonder that it touched both of our hearts. I found myself reaching out and touching his cheek and blurting out to my mum the hope that he would have a sibling one day and that I could be a Mum again. She stared at me and said "I know you love being a Mum, and you deserve to be one, but look at what you already have. How could you be unhappy or unsatisfied with someone so precious?" and she looked at him and smiled with the look on her face that it was all sorted. I felt really sick.
On a more positive note, Rhea and Paul have their 12 week ultrasound tomorrow. I am praying with my whole heart that everything will be ok for them and I'm sure it will be. They have already reached the 12 week milestone itself but couldn't get in for the ultrasound until tomorrow, which will be 13 weeks. We have invited them over for dinner tomorrow and I have a big bag of baby goodies to give them - things I have been collecting for them since their previous pregnancy. This will be the first chance that Rhea will have had to get excited about her pregnancy as because her previous one ended in a miscarriage she has understandably been keeping a lid on things so as not to get " jinxed". I want so much for her to have the happiness that comes with preparing for a baby. It was one of the happiest times in my life and something I wish that each and every person could have the pleasure of experiencing. I really hope that some of that fear and anxiety will be banished with this ultrasound, and the end of the first trimester, and that Rhea can start to feel more relaxed. Everyone please keep them in your thoughts.
I have been feeling pretty good physically as well and have not had any of the strong side effects that I remember feeling on the medication last time. The process will go a little something like this for those of you that are not familiar with IVF: there will be no needles or surgery for me this time around as we already have our last frozen embryo ready to go. I am currently taking some medication at the moment to trick my body into thinking it's going to ovulate. They can't just put the embryo in at any old time, your body has to be ready to accept it and because the natural conception process takes place at ovulation, my body has to think it's at that stage when they do implant the embryo. I am needing to take this medication because I actually don't ovulate all that often with the condition I have, PCOS. On Thursday June 11 I will be attending my clinic for an ultrasound to check the medication is doing its job and that the lining of my uterus is getting appropriately thick for the embryo. If it is then the embryo transfer will be scheduled for a few days after that, and then I will face a 10-14 day wait for our results. That's the process in a nutshell for you and I hope the explanation made sense!
We have known for a short time that we would be starting an IVF cycle and therefore have been keeping the secret from our friends and family for a while, but if it makes sense, it didn't really feel like a secret because we hadn't officially started yet! Now that we have gone ahead I am starting to feel very guilty at all the sneaking around that we will be doing over the next few weeks. I spent Monday at work quietly whispering on the phone to our IVF nurse, discussing the plan of action and booking our ultrasound appointment and felt like I was doing something illegal.
The person I am most having issues with keeping secrets from is my Mum because we are very close. She babysits Nickie twice a week, on Mondays and Fridays when I work, and we often hang out during the week. Strangley enough, she is actually the reason why we decided to keep this cycle a secret which also makes me feel a little uneasy. It's not that Mum is a bad person, she is not at all, she is just extremely practical. Where as Brad and I are the sort of people who will make choices in a heartbeat when we know they are the right ones, my Mum is kind of scared of change and an absolute champion at procrastination. When she and my Dad decided to downsize their house a few years ago by selling their big house and moving to a little townhouse, Dad got very frustrated with her because she would love a particular property but would never want to put in an offer on it. I think she was so scared that the offer would actually be accepted and then they would actually have to move houses! haha
When I started to have some problems after having Nickie and I started seeing my specialists again I was told then to think about using the embryo soon. I knew from the start that my Mum would have reservations about us having a second baby so close to Nickie. She would be worried about our finances, my health, the fact that it would be a lot of work etc. I decided to broach the subject with her and test the waters and I must know her very well indeed because I was right on the money. Without even hearing me out, when I mentioned the possibilty of using embryo number two she actually laughed and told me how ridiculous those doctors were being even suggesting an idea so ludicrous. She told me how we would never get any sleep, that I would always be tired, that we would be broke seeing as I would have to quit work alltogether and how I should just be thankful for Nicholas and let the embryo go. I kind of shrugged the conversation off as if it was just a notion that had no chance of actually happening and changed the subject. Brad and I decided after that to go it alone.
Even though Mum wasn't exactly supportive, it still feels very wrong to be keeping something so huge from her and I know she will be shocked if and when the day comes that we tell her she is about to be a grandmother again and that we have done the IVF cycle without telling her. I hope she will take it ok and I hope I am not doing the wrong thing by not telling her. I spent the day with her today and took her out to lunch. Nickie sat in his pusher in the window of the cafe with his toy giraffe and watched all the cars and people pass us by with such a look of wonder that it touched both of our hearts. I found myself reaching out and touching his cheek and blurting out to my mum the hope that he would have a sibling one day and that I could be a Mum again. She stared at me and said "I know you love being a Mum, and you deserve to be one, but look at what you already have. How could you be unhappy or unsatisfied with someone so precious?" and she looked at him and smiled with the look on her face that it was all sorted. I felt really sick.
On a more positive note, Rhea and Paul have their 12 week ultrasound tomorrow. I am praying with my whole heart that everything will be ok for them and I'm sure it will be. They have already reached the 12 week milestone itself but couldn't get in for the ultrasound until tomorrow, which will be 13 weeks. We have invited them over for dinner tomorrow and I have a big bag of baby goodies to give them - things I have been collecting for them since their previous pregnancy. This will be the first chance that Rhea will have had to get excited about her pregnancy as because her previous one ended in a miscarriage she has understandably been keeping a lid on things so as not to get " jinxed". I want so much for her to have the happiness that comes with preparing for a baby. It was one of the happiest times in my life and something I wish that each and every person could have the pleasure of experiencing. I really hope that some of that fear and anxiety will be banished with this ultrasound, and the end of the first trimester, and that Rhea can start to feel more relaxed. Everyone please keep them in your thoughts.
Monday, June 1, 2009
God bless the broken road...
Today after a beautiful morning with my two boys, the three of us headed out to Rhea and Paul's house because we had kindly been invited for lunch. While the "big boys" watched some football, Rhea and I took Nickie out with us and sat in the yard and had one of our heart to hearts.
The thing about Rhea is that she has become a best friend to me and a much needed sister. While some might argue that the "sister" title is not official, as she is Brad's sister and therefore my sister IN LAW, in my heart she is nothing short of a true sister. When I met Brad it turned out that not only did I gain the love of my life, but also a second family. I do have a "real sister" but talking about her is really a sad point for me as we have had our ups and downs. I don't want to go too much into her story as I need to respect her privacy but she struggles with an addiction and has consequently become a very mixed up and I believe very unwell young woman. There have been numerous events that have taken place between us and I really urge you all to try not to pass judgement when I tell you that not long ago I felt it was necessary to cut my ties with her. We are currently not in contact and the situation between us is not very positive I'm sorry to say. I don't want you all to think I don't care about her struggles because I really do and it is not a case of some seventh grade fight which has resulted in an "im not talking to you" kind of thing. Please believe me when I say that it was very hard to severe ties with her, that I do wish her well and want her to get better, that for many years my family and I have done nothing but pour our lives into trying to help her. In the end I had to think of my own family and my own sanity as the stress contributed to several health problems during my pregnancy with Nickie, and I had to move on with my life.
During all of this, Rhea has become the supportive sister that I have never had. She was also there for me during my struggle with infertility and I ended up also being able to be a supportive sister to her when she suffered a miscarriage with her first pregnancy last year. While Rhea has no health problems which restrict her fertility - the miscarriage was just one of those things - we have both been in a simalar position in that we felt very powerless over our situation at one time or another and that both of our stories involved a baby we so desperately wanted to have but couldn't. For both of us, pregnancy hasn't come easy and we talk at great lengths about this.
Today's conversation got me thinking, as we were speaking about how the two of us were finding it hard to shake the feeling of deja vu. She feels very haunted by the ghosts of her past pregnancy and is constantly being plagued by feelings of fear that things might turn out the same as last time. She is also finding it hard to stop comparing every little twinge, niggle and symptom to her previous pregnancy. I, on the other hand, am finding myself back on the IVF bandwagon so soon after being blessed with Nicholas. I planned to try to have another baby soon after having him but only because Brad and I know how long it could possibly take us to concieve. I also have to admit I never dreamed that we would do IVF again so soon because I guess I was clinging to the hope that once my body had achieved a pregnancy and "learnt how to be pregnant" that a natural conception might be not as hard as we thought the second time around. That's why so quickly after having Nickie I was doing pregnancy tests thinking I might honestly get a positive one! But now here we are back at the IVF clinic waiting to start not only round 2, but also our final round so soon.
Rhea said something along the lines of "in a way I am sorry that I had to go through a miscarriage because that baby never had the chance to live and be a family with us. Also it is making me apprehensive about this pregnancy and so I not feeling like I can be as excited as the average person. But on the other hand, I have learnt how precious life is. Even though that little baby didn't survive and I never got to meet it, I am honoured I had the oppurtunity to carry it and give it life and a home, even if only for such a short while. I am just as thankful for that pregnancy as I am for this one." I barely had a chance to think over these beautiful words which were spoken as Rhea held Nickie and looked at him with an expression of pure love and yearning, when she asked me a question: "would you change what you and Brad went through if you could?"
My answer surprised me. Before I knew what I was saying my mouth had closed around a single word: "No". But the more I thought about it the more it was obvious to me that I really wouldn't change any part of my journey thus far. Why? Well the answer is not so simple and has many facets to it. To start with, what Brad and I went through has taught us a lot. We have learnt lots about ourselves, about our marriage, about life and about the fact that nothing in the world is under our control. People wonder whether our experience has strengthened our love of our son since we worked so hard for him. I honestly don't know the answer to that as I have always loved children and been yearning for one of my own and so I really believe I would have been just as thrilled had Nickie fallen in my lap, but because he didn't fall in my lap I will never know how that would have felt. I do know though that like Rhea I too have learnt the value of life through my experience. I know without a doubt that it is an absolute honour to carry a human life and I will never stop feeling lucky that I had the chance to do it.
Another reason I am thankful for our journey is the wonderful people that we met during it, many of whom we probably would never have had the joy of knowing had Brad and I been just a regular fertile couple. There's our very thoughtful and compassionate doctor who not only was our initial specialist when we first began exploring the reason why we couldn't seem to get pregnant, but who also became our OB and ended up delivering Nickie. I will forever be so grateful to have had such a capable doctor looking after us. There's our IVF specialists who truly love what they do and who continue to be so supporting and encouraging towards our situation. There's Sara, our IVF nurse, who is truly a beautiful lady and who shared many a tough time and one very joyous time in particular with us both. There's the number of natural health professionals who we worked with along the way. All were genuinely caring and a true joy to know. Most of all though, there are the treasured friends we have met through sharing our experience of infertility. Beautiful souls who I have met while doing things like waiting in doctors offices and posting on online message boards. Each and every one of these people have been touched and affected by infertility in their own way and each are in my prayers every day.
The most important reason for not wanting to change anything is Nickie himself. At the time when we were living in the moment and experiencing the harsh reality that is infertility I never realised that with every disappointment we were moving closer to him. Every negative pregnancy test was one pregnancy test closer to the positive one that told me he was on his way. Every obstacle resulted in decisions and choices being made and steps being taken towards our son. The way I see it, the road to Nicholas was very bumpy and very broken but because it led to him, the whole time it was God blessed. Something i never realised as I was walking it.
The thing about Rhea is that she has become a best friend to me and a much needed sister. While some might argue that the "sister" title is not official, as she is Brad's sister and therefore my sister IN LAW, in my heart she is nothing short of a true sister. When I met Brad it turned out that not only did I gain the love of my life, but also a second family. I do have a "real sister" but talking about her is really a sad point for me as we have had our ups and downs. I don't want to go too much into her story as I need to respect her privacy but she struggles with an addiction and has consequently become a very mixed up and I believe very unwell young woman. There have been numerous events that have taken place between us and I really urge you all to try not to pass judgement when I tell you that not long ago I felt it was necessary to cut my ties with her. We are currently not in contact and the situation between us is not very positive I'm sorry to say. I don't want you all to think I don't care about her struggles because I really do and it is not a case of some seventh grade fight which has resulted in an "im not talking to you" kind of thing. Please believe me when I say that it was very hard to severe ties with her, that I do wish her well and want her to get better, that for many years my family and I have done nothing but pour our lives into trying to help her. In the end I had to think of my own family and my own sanity as the stress contributed to several health problems during my pregnancy with Nickie, and I had to move on with my life.
During all of this, Rhea has become the supportive sister that I have never had. She was also there for me during my struggle with infertility and I ended up also being able to be a supportive sister to her when she suffered a miscarriage with her first pregnancy last year. While Rhea has no health problems which restrict her fertility - the miscarriage was just one of those things - we have both been in a simalar position in that we felt very powerless over our situation at one time or another and that both of our stories involved a baby we so desperately wanted to have but couldn't. For both of us, pregnancy hasn't come easy and we talk at great lengths about this.
Today's conversation got me thinking, as we were speaking about how the two of us were finding it hard to shake the feeling of deja vu. She feels very haunted by the ghosts of her past pregnancy and is constantly being plagued by feelings of fear that things might turn out the same as last time. She is also finding it hard to stop comparing every little twinge, niggle and symptom to her previous pregnancy. I, on the other hand, am finding myself back on the IVF bandwagon so soon after being blessed with Nicholas. I planned to try to have another baby soon after having him but only because Brad and I know how long it could possibly take us to concieve. I also have to admit I never dreamed that we would do IVF again so soon because I guess I was clinging to the hope that once my body had achieved a pregnancy and "learnt how to be pregnant" that a natural conception might be not as hard as we thought the second time around. That's why so quickly after having Nickie I was doing pregnancy tests thinking I might honestly get a positive one! But now here we are back at the IVF clinic waiting to start not only round 2, but also our final round so soon.
Rhea said something along the lines of "in a way I am sorry that I had to go through a miscarriage because that baby never had the chance to live and be a family with us. Also it is making me apprehensive about this pregnancy and so I not feeling like I can be as excited as the average person. But on the other hand, I have learnt how precious life is. Even though that little baby didn't survive and I never got to meet it, I am honoured I had the oppurtunity to carry it and give it life and a home, even if only for such a short while. I am just as thankful for that pregnancy as I am for this one." I barely had a chance to think over these beautiful words which were spoken as Rhea held Nickie and looked at him with an expression of pure love and yearning, when she asked me a question: "would you change what you and Brad went through if you could?"
My answer surprised me. Before I knew what I was saying my mouth had closed around a single word: "No". But the more I thought about it the more it was obvious to me that I really wouldn't change any part of my journey thus far. Why? Well the answer is not so simple and has many facets to it. To start with, what Brad and I went through has taught us a lot. We have learnt lots about ourselves, about our marriage, about life and about the fact that nothing in the world is under our control. People wonder whether our experience has strengthened our love of our son since we worked so hard for him. I honestly don't know the answer to that as I have always loved children and been yearning for one of my own and so I really believe I would have been just as thrilled had Nickie fallen in my lap, but because he didn't fall in my lap I will never know how that would have felt. I do know though that like Rhea I too have learnt the value of life through my experience. I know without a doubt that it is an absolute honour to carry a human life and I will never stop feeling lucky that I had the chance to do it.
Another reason I am thankful for our journey is the wonderful people that we met during it, many of whom we probably would never have had the joy of knowing had Brad and I been just a regular fertile couple. There's our very thoughtful and compassionate doctor who not only was our initial specialist when we first began exploring the reason why we couldn't seem to get pregnant, but who also became our OB and ended up delivering Nickie. I will forever be so grateful to have had such a capable doctor looking after us. There's our IVF specialists who truly love what they do and who continue to be so supporting and encouraging towards our situation. There's Sara, our IVF nurse, who is truly a beautiful lady and who shared many a tough time and one very joyous time in particular with us both. There's the number of natural health professionals who we worked with along the way. All were genuinely caring and a true joy to know. Most of all though, there are the treasured friends we have met through sharing our experience of infertility. Beautiful souls who I have met while doing things like waiting in doctors offices and posting on online message boards. Each and every one of these people have been touched and affected by infertility in their own way and each are in my prayers every day.
The most important reason for not wanting to change anything is Nickie himself. At the time when we were living in the moment and experiencing the harsh reality that is infertility I never realised that with every disappointment we were moving closer to him. Every negative pregnancy test was one pregnancy test closer to the positive one that told me he was on his way. Every obstacle resulted in decisions and choices being made and steps being taken towards our son. The way I see it, the road to Nicholas was very bumpy and very broken but because it led to him, the whole time it was God blessed. Something i never realised as I was walking it.
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