The new blog....

is up and running so this will be the very last post here. I will leave this page up for awhile though for people to grab the new blog address. It is http://goodthingscomeinones.blogspot.com

Thankyou very much for supporting me on this blog and I hope to see you over at the new one.

A decision

Hi everyone. I have been thinking long and hard lately about what to do with my blog. There have been a few reasons for this so I would like to take you through them:

First of all, I started this blog under a pseudo name and used false names for my family members. I have spoken to many people about my decision to do this and most of you would be aware this is due to problems that I have with my sister. She has a lot of issues and her behaviour is worrying and we are estranged. So my main reason for using false names and wanting to protect our privacy was to to do with her. However, I made so many close friends through this blog. Some of you email with me regular and know my real name which I have shared with you privately. Even so, I still feel dishonest referring to myself as a different name when you all share so much of yourselves with the world.

Second, this blog was started to explore the issues I had with trying to have a second baby to add to my family. I love my son more than words can say and I just love children. I would love to have a zillion babies and I would love them all. But due to recent developments with my health it appears it might be time to move past the TTC stage of my life. My husband and I came to the decision long ago that IVF was too much for us. We wouldn't change what we went through for the world because it gave us our son. But the financial strain, emotional strain, physical strain took it's toll on our marriage and for awhile there we had a tough time. We always said that because of this we would use our embryos and once they were "used up" then that would be it for IVF. We ended up with two embryos. One was our son and the other was our baby that we lost through miscarriage. I thought I would be able to just try naturally and if it didn't happen well that was ok, but if it did then that would be amazing. But due to my PCOS I have been experiencing since my son was born, and more so after the miscarriage last July, very heavy bleeding which is depleting my iron levels and making me quite run down and sick. Any treatment for the bleeding would also act as a contraceptive and therefore I have been putting off the treatment. In the last week I have experienced the worst most extreme bleeding I have had so far to the point where I could not attend work, I was too sick walk around the house and I was so run down I could not pick up my son. This has been the final straw for me. It is not fair on my husband or my son or on me to put myself through all this for a baby that might never be a reality. I already have a child and it is time for him to have the best mummy he can have, rather than a sick one or a tired one. I love him so much and he deserves my all. So this Monday I am calling my doctor to see about getting the reccommended treatment which last time I spoke to him was a long term series of injections which will hopefully stop my periods for a few years. This will conclude my TTC journey at least for the next few years and so I feel it is time to move past the idea of "second time around". And yes I do feel a bit sad about this but I have been praying hard about this and I really feel that this is the direction God has moved me in. My husband and I feel that possibly in a few years down the road we would like to look at adoption to add to our family.

So my decision is that I am ending this blog. But it is not goodbye as I will be starting a new one, using my real name and moving in a new direction. I will be posting a new blog address once it is all up and running and I hope you will all join me by moving across to my new blog. And I hope you all understand my decision. So it is with great pleasure to have met you all and with so much thanks to you all for being my friends that I sign off tonight. Not as Paxton - but as my real name which is a lot simpler and less glamourous!

Love from Jo xoxoxo

News about Nickie

You might remember that Nickie has been having some trouble with his motor skills for the last few months and that we had him booked into both an eye specialist and a paediatrician. Well there have been some developments in the story. Just some background info about me, I was born with a turn in my right eye which was caused by the eye muscles not behaving. I am also very near sighted and have quite bad astigmatism. I had quite a few operations as a child trying to fix the muscles to correct the turn and help my eyesight. I have also worn glasses since I was younger than Nickie. As a result of this when Nickie was born I wanted his eyes checked by a specialist just to be sure they are ok. From my experience I have learnt that the younger a baby can be treated for eye conditions, the better the long term outlook is. He saw the eye specialist when he was 8 weeks old for the first time. By that time we thought that one of his eyes were turning in at different times briefly, but as it was not all the time we were not sure. The eye specialist thought it looked ok but wanted to monitor Nickie on a six monthly basis until he was older as he explained to me how when babies are little their eyes can move around freely until their muscles get stronger.

We then saw the specialist when Nickie was 6 months. Again the specialist said it was hard to tell what was going on with his eyes. He said that babies are born with the ability to correct their own vision quite well and that by age one or two they lose that ability and that perhaps we would have to wait longer until Nickie loses that ability and his eyes get a bit worse so we can see what is actually going on with them if anything. In the meantime the health nurse and Nickie's daycare brought up concerns that he is slow with his motor skills, so I booked him in to a paediatrician on their advice but always wondered if possibly it was all to do with his eye sight not being as it should.

The plan for this month was that Nickie was being assessed with his daycare to see if they could apply for extra funding so someone could come and work with Nickie on a one to one basis to help him in the areas he is behind. This was carried out the funding for the daycare was approved so starting this Monday he has someone coming to work with him. Then we were seeing the eye specialist Wed Feb 17 and the paed on Tues Feb 23 hoping to get some answers on what was causing the delay in his motor skills. At the eye specialist on Weds we got the answers. It turns out that Nickie suffers from a condition called Accommodative Esotropia. What this means in plain English is Nickie is far sighted which means he can see things just fine in the distance but is having trouble seeing things that are close to him. The turn in his eye we have noticed is not a muscle turn like mine it is just the eye struggling to focus and therefore every now and then it is turning in. The solution? My baby is getting glasses! Apparently once his glasses are on and the vision problems are taken care of the eye will no longer be struggling to focus and the turn should stop happening. Surgery is not an option to fix it as the problem is caused by Nickie's eyeball being made too short and there is no way to fix that.

I am pleased the problem is something so simple and we can easily fix it, and I am happy to know he will be feeling a lot more comfortable soon once his new glasses come. The only thing I am a little sad about is babies glasses really are not nice. They are big and bulky and have a big strap at the back to keep them on. Not trendy like adults glasses. Also they are hard to come by so the choice is not really there. After ringing 10 different places yesterday I finally located an optometrist that sells babies glasses and took Nickie to try some on. I had one choice of style and two choices of colour: pink or blue. Needless to say I went with blue. The lady there was so nice to me and gave me a little pep talk with how she realises they are not the best looking things but that if I just wait till he is 2 I will be amazed at the variety of choices I will have to pick from. She showed me some of the two year old glasses and she is not kidding - there are lots and they are very cute. I guess we just have to wait for him to be at an age where he can understand not to pull them off and break them and so he can also stop other kids from touching and breaking them. Also of course they are made of safe materials in case they get smashed or broken so he won't get hurt.

So there you have it. We still are seeing the paediatrician but not till May now so he has time to adjust to the glasses. And we go back to the eye specialist in 5 weeks.

An update among other things...

Ok so I raised the issue of the phones and the other things that have been bugging me with Brad. Thanks for all the wonderful advice I have received from you all, dear blogger friends! To be honest even though things have been better, I am still a little bit miffed at him and I don't feel like anything got fully resolved. I got so worked up trying to talk to him about how I was feeling. I tried to remain calm and keep it more like a helpful discussion rather than a roasting. But a few points he argued with me on and therefore we got a tad fired up. For example when I raised the issue of him not phoning my manager for me to tell her I was running late, he said I was at fault for that incident because if I had've gotten out of bed earlier I would not have been so rushed. To which I said (rather annoyed) that I already get up at 5.30am to get Nickie up and dressed, get myself up, showered, hair done and dressed, breakfast eaten (Nickie has breakfast at daycare), get Nickie's bag packed, get dinner in the slow cooker, put Nickie in the car and take him to daycare, then get myself to work by 8am. I then work 10 hours until 6 and then get home about 6.45pm. I said to him, how much earlier does he want me to get up? And maybe if he helped more in the mornings then I wouldn't be so rushed to fit it all in. All he does in a typical work day apart from doing his actual job is pick Nickie up from day care. While I appreciate that and it helps me, I feel I do a whole lot more. So that started arguement number 1. And so on....

Anyway, we did sort through a lot of stuff and he did see my side and has been helping more around the house. He didn't see my side at all with the phone issue and if the truth be known he kind of thought I was greedy for wanting one of HIS phones. Never mind that he has gotten a new car and the phones among other things to start this business meanwhile I still have my same old crappy prepaid phone that I have had for the last 5 years. I can't even read the screen on it to read text messages as it has a crack in it. So we will have to agree to disagree on that one.

Onto the business though, it's going pretty well. Brad has only been in operation as a driving instructor for a few days and already has 12 clients. A full book is 40 so he is over a quarter of the way there and that is promising. He is very happy with life at the moment. Today he is home with Nickie and I as the lessons he has booked for this week happen to be all later in the week except for a couple he did yesterday. It is nice to be with him in such a relaxed mood. So far as well his clients are happy with him and have been rebooking for more lessons. Nickie is enjoying having his dad around so much. Brad is coming to his swimming lesson with us on Thurs morning before doing lessons in the afternoon so we are looking forward to that as he has never seen Nickie swim yet.

Tomorrow Nickie has an eye specialist appointment as we are wondering whether that is the cause of the delay in his motor skills. I will keep your posted on that.

Have a great week everyone!

Am I being unreasonable?

I was really hurt and upset last night and it is something that has been brewing awhile and I realise may have had something to do with the rough patch I went through regarding Brad's career change. I don't begrudge him for changing careers and I am proud of all he has achieved and the fact he wants to make a great life for himself and for us. But he has also been showing signs of selfishness. I don't know if this is because he is caught up in the preparation of getting his business started and doesn't realise his behaviour. The last few weeks I feel I have been bending over backwards for him, trying to help him. He has called me when I have been out somewhere with Nickie and said "oh my gosh I forgot to take some papers with me this morning. They are on the kitchen table. Can you go home and get them and bring them to me." and I have dropped all of our plans and gone and done it because it is important to him. And it has not just been once or twice that things like that has happened. Many times he has called me with a job he would like me to do and I have done it.

Then on Friday I was running late taking Nickie to daycare because as we were walking out the door Nickie vomitted on himself and on me because he had gulped down his milk too fast. I had to redress us both. As I walked out the door a second time I explained to Brad that as it was 7.25am I was going to be late for work but that I could not call and tell them right now because my manager is not there till 7.45am. I asked if he could wait till 7.45am and give her a call and inform her I was on my way but had been detained. He said "sure no problem". I get to work half an hour late to find my manager in quite a state. She was not mad at me but more worried that I was late. She thought I might have been in an accident as she knew if I was ever late I would call. I told her Brad was supposed to call her and she said he didn't. I called Brad to ask him what was going on expecting him to feel terrible that he had forgotten. When I spoke to him there was no "oh my god thts right I was, supposed to call wasn't I?" it turned out he had not forgotten at all, he just decided he had not enough time to stop for 30secs and call because he was so busy that morning. I was so angry and hurt and I let quite a bit of it out on to him. I said I had been running around putting my plans on hold for weeks doing things for him. Just that morning before I had gone and got his favourite watch fixed just off my own bat without him asking because I know he loves it. I told him I took offence to after all that him feeling he had not enough time to do one little thing for me. That incident has since blown over but has stuck in my mind.

Yesterday he comes home from work (he still has till the end of the week at the old job) with a new phone. I was totally ok with that because we both have crappy 7 year old prepaid phones and he really does need a reliable phone for work because he needs to carry it all the time and call students on it. I ask him what phone did he get, what features did it have? etc. He shows me that the shop had a deal where you pay $50 a month and you get $1000 worth of calls and TWO phones. Between the two of you (its designed for a couple to use it) the $1000 of calls is shared between the two accounts and calls between the two phones are free. My eyes lit up and I said "oh wow! So I have a groovy new phone too! Thanks so much honey, did you want the red or the white one?" and his face drops and he explains that the second phone is not for me, he wants to keep it in the cupboard in case he needs a spare. I was dumbfounded and really upset. I didn't yell or anything I just kind of went quiet and didn't say anything and then went off to bed. I shed a few tears in bed as I was just so amazed by his selfishness. Here I am with an old crappy phone which I have never in my life complained about. I hardly ever have spare money to buy credit for it and so here I am driving around with Nickie and no phone to call anyone on if the car breaks down etc. Yet I am not allowed to use his phone that he is paying for credit on anyway because he wants it to sit in the cupboard and not get used in case HE gets stuck. Am I being stupid to feel so upset about this?

I'm still alive!

Hi all. I'm back in the swing of things and ready to blog again. Please know I have been keeping updated on reading all your blogs. I mentioned in my last post that I was taking a beat from blogging due to a "rough patch". Well let me elaborate...it was nothing to do with babies or anything like that. You might remember me mentioning that Brad recently finished his study and qualified as a driving instructor and was going for a job at a driving school. Well it was a long interview process. Parts of it were formal face to face interview and other parts of it were like "auditions" out on the road where he would take lessons and be graded. Well a few weeks ago we were told that he had been successful and he had gotten the position at the school. I am so proud of him because not to brag but it is the most well known driving school in the state and very hard to get a position there. And my hubby managed to do it fresh out of school. So why have I been going through a tough time you ask?

Well since the miscarriage you also might remember I had some trouble with anxiety? It has settled down a lot since but unfortunately it reared its ugly head again during this period I guess because of all the stress involved when your husband is changing his career. I haven't been sleeping well and then have been having to get out of bed and be a mum to Nickie which is hard to do on no sleep. That consequently has been making me more stressed and it has become a vicious cycle. Because Brad is going to be essentially self employed (the school will be contracting him to work on their behalf and he will be paying them a commision) there have been a lot of start up costs which have got me stressing about our finances. We have had to buy a car and get it fitted out with dual control pedals and pay for insurance. On top of that I have been worrying about what if he doesn't get enough work to pay for the repayments on the car and the commision payments to the school? Also the position the school is offering him is for over the other side of town. We have always planned on moving to a bigger house someday as the house we are in is quite pokey but I never planned on moving so far away so that has been upsetting me too. Brad says don't worry about that now as if I really don't want to move he is happy to commute and if I do want to move well it will be another year or two away till he is more set up anyway. Easier said than done though when you are a worrywart like me.

Anyway just wanted to let you all know I am completely ok, just a little frazzled. Hopefully I'll be a better blogger from now on. And thanks to those that commented and emailled to wish me well. You guys are the best.

Sorry guys

This is a really quick one to let you all know I am finding it a bit hard to write at the moment. I don't really know why as nothing specific has happened but am just going through a bit of a rough patch. Please know I am reading all your blogs and I look forward to writing some more soon when things pick up.

Gone but not forgotten

This title describes a lot of things in my life so far. I'm reminded as I approach Nickie's 1st birthday on Saturday, of what I was doing this time last year. I was in hospital feeling pretty sick, awaiting the arrival of my much anticipated baby boy. As I reflect on that time of my life, despite the fact that I was sick and (at the time) pretty miserable due to vomitting about 1200 times a day, when I look back now I feel nothing but joy. I am so blessed to be one of the lucky ones who fought the tough battle of infertility and won. I am blown away by how great God is when I think of how special Nickie is and how he has become such a huge part of both Brad and my life. Everytime he smiles or laughs or cuddles into me I thank God. Whenever there is a special occassion like Christmas or a birthday and I realise he is here to share it with us, again I praise God. I remember all the funny cravings I had while pregnant, the baths I used to take that would make Nickie kick so my whole belly wobbled. I remember lying in bed in hospital the night before Nickie was born. His foot was digging right into the side of my belly and I put my hand down to touch it and could feel each individual toe. I feel so honoured to be the mother of such a miracle. Those precious days seem so long gone now as my boy prepares to turn one, yet they are still so fresh in my mind and will never be forgotten.

As I think about the arrival of Nickie, I am reminded of my other little baby who I never got to meet. This baby is still just as special to me and I still feel just as honoured to be his or her mother. I can't help but feel sad at the thought that had I not lost this baby, I would be anxiously awaiting its arrival this coming March and experiencing so many of the magical moments of pregnancy (and probably the not so magical ones!) for a second time. I do my best to focus on the small blessings though. There are many things in our lives that are happening now which would not be happening if I were pregnant. Brad is so happy right now - the happiest I have seen him for a long time - with his career change. We are finally getting ahead in our finances after spending so much of our resources on medical treatments. I am just starting to get past the yearning and the hoping every month that my period won't show up and am trying to move forward with a sense of acceptance that we may have reached life after TTC. I haven't fully got there but it's getting easier. Brad came out with a comment over Christmas that he would love to have another child with me one day so maybe if we couldn't do it "the old fashioned way" would I like to adopt or foster a child? This is a complete turn around for him as he had always been dead against that for different reasons. So there is hope for us in the future being parents again. It is not something I am ready to look into now however. I know whatever happens though, the little baby who appears gone will in fact always be with me. I will always miss it and always love it and always wish it were here with me.

Lastly there is my struggle with infertility. My new year's resolution was to embrace life and try new things so I decided to take a small step and join a pilates class. I have always wanted to do it and have always chickened out. I start in February. It was this small step which made me suddenly realise just how much I have let infertility hold me back in life. I never realised how much it has dented my confidence and my self esteem, and how much this has overflowed and tarnished other areas of my life. From tiny things like not having the courage to try pilates all the way to big things like doubting my ability as a mother and a wife. I am sick of being afraid. I guess when we go through infertility we learn to be afraid and we learn that fear is a way of life. We take the good and learn to look for the downside. I realise I have gotten too used to doing this. I guess old habits die hard and once the infertile label is lifted, while that label is gone, we find it hard to "forget to be afraid". I have decided I don't want to be "infertile" anymore and I am going to stop thinking of myself as such. Instead I will think of myself as Nickie's mother and Brad's wife: one completely lucky woman who takes pilates classes!

Happy New Year and a few more things...

Hello 2010! It's a brand new year which is making me think about resolutions and fresh starts. To top it of we had something very sad happen at work. We came back yesterday for the Xmas/New year break to find that a man we worked with passed away over the holiday period. He was not actually a work colleague, but we deal with alot of external companies on the phone and he was someone we would speak to constantly on the phone from one of those organisations. Even though we knew him we didn't really "know" him but he was just someone that was always there on the other end of that phone so it feels very sad to know that he died. He was only 41 and apparently quite fit. He was driving his car on New Years Eve and had a massive heart attack while behind the wheel. He was alone in the car, the vehicle drifted off the road and into a ditch and the man driving behind him happened to be a doctor so he pulled over to see what was going on and try to help but he had already passed away. I feel very sorry for his family for whom the incident must have come as a total shock.

This just goes to show that life is short and we don't know when it will end. We need to make each second count. My resolution this year is to do that - to really embrace my opportunities and try new things, and to be thankful for what I have and try not to worry so much about what I don't. I am also going to try to put more trust in God. I guess from our IVF days we are so used to trying to take control. Go to this doctor, try that treatment, if that doesn't work go to this doctor etc. Now it has kind of carried over into my whole life and I try and control every problem. I need to trust that God has got it covered and fully give those problems that pop up straight over to Him and trust that He knows the answers. That's the plan anyway. So here goes for 2010! May it be a wonderful year for us all.

Nickie's first birthday is fast approaching on the 16th of Jan and I can't believe my baby boy is nearly one year old. We are planning a little lunch for him on that day just with close family as he only recently had his Naming Day in October so we have exhausted all party funds haha. The fact he is "growing up"is making me reflect on the beautiful time we have spent together this year. From the first few days when he made his appearance as this little person full of sleep, to the spunky little individual he is now. It makes me very proud. I feel so very blessed that what feels like so long ago, that little embryo held on and became our son, and we have so many wonderful years stretching ahead of us to spend together and enjoy him. Thankyou God! I am so grateful he is in our lives today.

My 27th birthday is sneaking up too - four days after Nickie's on the 20th of Jan. But we won't talk about that haha. In all seriousness though I am looking forward to it. Last year I was in hospital after having Nickie, which of course was a wonderful thing except for the "being in hospital on your birthday" part. Brad has a few plans for the day this year, judging from the sly phone calls he has been making. I am really looking forward to it.

Lastly I have been thinking a lot lately about ending this blog and starting up a new private one so that I don't have to be so discreet about myself. I can use our real names and show you photos etc. It's just a thought it's not set in stone and I of course will give you all access to it. I know I am open about the fact that the names I use are not our real ones, but it still seems dishonest in some ways but unfortuneately is necessary if my blog is public because of the situation with my sister. Can I please get your thoughts on this so I can get an idea with if it will work? The only thing which prevents me from being totally enthusiastic about the private blog idea is the fact that I feel so blessed to meet you all and I wonder if making it private would close the door to meeting other friends in the future. Hmmm

Take care everyone and Happy New Year!

'Twas the day before Christmas...

Here I am on Christmas Eve morning and I am being very naughty, stopping to sneak some time on the computer to blog. Don't tell on me will you?? I have so many things to do today it's not funny. Brad, Nickie and I have already been to the shopping centre and are home again. We went very early this morning to avoid the crowds but there were still people everywhere. We had finished all of our Christmas shopping, we just wanted Nickie to visit Santa and get a photo. I don't know if you have the same thing in the States, but here Santa comes and visits the shopping centres and kids can line up and meet him and get a pic with him.

I was so looking forward to doing that with Nickie, and Brad was too so we had to wait until Brad finished up at work for the holidays and that was yesterday. So off we went today to visit the big man in red. It was a very nice experience and quite funny too. Nickie has a fascination with hair lately. He is forever grabbing large handfuls of mine and giving it a yank. Of course the first thing he did when he sat on Santa's knee was grab that beard! Santa practically had to pry his beard free only to have Nickie grab it again with the other hand. He was so interested in Santa's beard that we had a really hard time getting him to look at the camera for a photo. In the end one of the assistants left and came back with this huge cow bell. She got me to ring it (it was very loud!) and that got Nickie's attention, he turned towards the noise (which was me holding the bell standing next to the girl with the camera) and they went snap! So the picture came out with Nickie sitting on Santa's knee with this stunned confused look on his face. It is a very funny photo and I am glad we got it.

Tomorrow will be the first time we have hosted Christmas so I want it to go well and am really looking forward to it. I have decided to do the turkey in the slow cooker so I'll let you all know how that goes! I am very excited because finally my parents have made a stand against my sister's antics for the first time ever and will be spending the day with me. Their day usually consists of my sister (having changed her mind about whether or not her and the kids are coming for Christmas day lunch at my parents about 7 times in the lead up to the day) turning up in an absolutely foul mood. People will ask her what's wrong and she will say she doesn't feel well. Then an hour into the day she will say that she feels worse and needs to go lay down in one of my folks spare rooms. She will then go and read magazines and books while lying on the bed, leaving the kids to be looked after by us. Now I love my neice and nephew but they are a handful. They are always fighting, breaking things, swearing, wanting you to put together their new Christmas gift right now this instant etc.

Then we serve lunch and the kids start ordering my mum around like she is a waiter. Mum will ask them before she serves up would they like a drink with their meal. They will say no. So she will serve up and we will all sit down and Mum will pick up her fork and the kids will say "Nan we want a drink now". Stuff like that. I know it's not completely the kids fault because kids only behave how they are taught. But all the while my sister is in the bedroom reading books while everyone looks after her children. I think she only comes for a little respite! Then presents will be opened and my sister will wander out around this time to open her presents, now feeling "a lot better after that nap". I can name at least 4 Christmas Days where they have run exactly like that. It's a regular thing. I always have wondered why my parents don't stand up to it. I think it's because if they were to do something else for Christmas my sister can get very angry. She flies into rage's, turns on the tears etc and maybe they feel it's just not worth it. But this year apparently my sister did her regular phone calls undecided as to if she would come over for lunch or not. After the third phone call my dad had had enough and said to her "listen we thought we would go somewhere else for Christmas this year anyway, so if you think you might not be able to come well that's ok. We will do what we were thinking of and you can stay put for the day so you don't have to travel and the kids don't have to be uprooted with all their toys and gifts that they are wanting to play with." I am so proud of them. Apparently my sister is now going to a friend's house that lives close to her for Christmas day and my parents are coming here. I am looking so forward to making it a great day for them and waiting on them hand and foot.

Well I better go, as I sign off I realise that this is my 50th post! Thankyou for listening to me for all of that! I have made so many special friends through this blog I feel very blessed to have you all. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas. May God bless you all in 2010. I am so thankful to have my little boy with us this year. We prayed so hard for him. May all of you out there who are still awaiting your prayers to be answered, whether that prayer be for a baby or a new house or world peace or whatever your heart desires, please know I will be praying that this coming year is your time. And to all those whose prayers have been answered this year, I rejoice with you. Happy Holidays everybody and God bless!

20 years on...

A while back I posted about my school friends "P" and "L" who were tragically killed by their father over a custody dispute when I was a little girl. I thought I would mention this again because tomorrow will be 20 years to the day since they died. I have been thinking about them a lot the last few months and I feel there must be a reason for that, but am yet to discover what that reason could be.

About a month ago I woke at about 3am from a dream that was so very vivid I was more than a little creeped out, and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. I really feel that the kids came to me in this dream. I just have this feeling that it meant something. In the dream I was searching for their mother, "C". I wanted to tell her I still thought about her children and to check and make sure she was all right. I found her working in a store in the city under a false name and I invited her for dinner at my house. When she arrived for dinner she had two people with her - a man and a woman - and these people were the same age as me. I smiled and said pleased to meet you and they smiled back and told me we had already met. I was confused and asked "C" what these people meant by that. She said "these are my children". I was still confused. I explained to her that when "P" and "L" had died they were around my age. These grown up children looked to be around my age too and the age "P" and "L" would now be. I asked her how she could possibly have more children the same age as her first two would have been. She said to me "Paxton, this IS P and L. They never died. They never went away. They are safe and well and have never left me."

I was absolutely overjoyed and burst into tears. I hugged them ecstatically and asked them were they ok. They assured me they were very well and that they had never died and that I didn't need to worry anymore about it. They hugged their mother and I saw them all as a family together and that was when I woke up. I was really shaken by the dream and quite scared. But looking back I think it was a sign from them that they are really and truly ok because they are up in heaven with Jesus. I really hope that is what it was all about and I will cherish the fact that I did have that dream.

I do think about them and their mother all the time and I do wish I will see their mother again one day and be able to tell her that her children were special and that they really did make such an impression on me. I remember at school in the last week of their lives "L" doing a tap dance routine at the end of year show. "P" was so proud of her when she finished that he went up in front of the whole school and hugged his sister. I will never forget that. I'm sure their mother has her own memories of them too and I'm sure she realises her children were so special.

I also can't believe how fast 20 years went. It seems like only yesterday since it all happened. I really hope that in those 20 years their mother has been able to find peace. Maybe she is remarried to a lovely man with some more children. I hope so. My prayers are really with her this week wherever she is because I think this would be such a hard time. I read in the article I came across about them a few months ago that the day before they were killed their mother took them to get their picture taken with Santa, and now she has that photo on her wall. I am sure she looks at it all the time especially around this time of year and can't believe they are not here physically with her. I don't know how I could bear pain like that if I lost Nickie.

Please have these children and their mother in your prayers tomorrow.

I'm an Aunty!!!

Yes, guys my nephew has arrived! Rhea was due on Dec 11 and bubs ended up making an entrance this morning. A little late but not far behind schedule at all. We went for a flying visit this afternoon to see him (and of course to see Rhea and Paul) and he was just gorgeous. I didn't want to bombard Rhea with visitors right away so I asked her would she like us to come on Tuesday when she rang this morning to tell us the good news. I thought maybe she would like today to rest as she is quite a conservative and private person. Also Monday was out because it's a work day for me. Rhea surprised me by saying she would love to see us today for a quick visit as she was excited to share her boy's arrival with us. So off to the hospital we went!

Rhea was in good spirits but she was quite tired as was Paul. It has been a long labour. We had no idea as Rhea warned us she was kind of shy about having us all know when she was in labour and therefore she would not be telling us when that happened. She just wanted to call us when it was all over and he was here, which is exactly what happened. Apparently contractions started at 4am yesterday and she was at home for 12 hours having mild contractions before they got painful enough for her to want to be in hospital. They got there at 4pm. She then laboured all night until bubs was born at 7.01am. She said she lasted until 1am before asking for the epidural. I think she did a great job and obviously she will sleep well tonight.

The really annoying thing though is obviously on this blog I use fake names, however I'm really excited to tell you all his real name because I really do love it. I'm really in two minds about what to do so for now I am just going to call him "J".

Yay!!! I'm an aunty everyone!! And Nickie is a big cousin!!!

Every now and then...

I don't like bringing up the miscarriage so this post is kind of hard. I try to focus on moving forward from it. I prefer not to spend a lot of time moping about what happened, and I believe that now a few months on from the experience, I am past that stage of constant sadness. Not that I am not sad about things now. It's just that if I sit still and think about things for too long then the sadness catches up with me, and makes it hard for me to function. To put it simply, life is easier for me if I focus on the things that I enjoy and allow myself only fleeting moments to reflect on the fact that I lost a baby. I have that little moment to feel sad, and then I make myself move on to the next event of the day. At one stage you might remember I started seeing a counsellor to talk about my feelings. I went for three sessions and stopped going. I felt after the first couple of sessions that the process of going and pouring out to someone about how sad I felt was self defeating, because it was allowing myself to fall too far back into that negative sad mindset and the longer I stayed there, the harder it was to come back up to earth. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, or even if it is the healthy way to be dealing with what happened, but it is what has worked for me and got me over the line so far.

But there is a flaw to my approach. Every now and then something will happen which will make me think of the miscarriage and the baby that I lost, and that realisation almost comes as a complete shock. The days when that happens are very hard to get through. It doesn't even have to be something major. A few weeks ago Brad and I were sitting having coffee with friends of ours and Brad was talking about how work politics can often be unfair and was giving an example of something that had happened at his own work. He then said "and what made it worse was that it was around the time when Pax had the miscarriage so I was already not feeling the best about work, and didn't really need that stress added in too." Not only was it a shock to hear that phrase said out loud, but Brad didn't even lower his voice like people do when they are talking about something sad or unpleasant. He didn't even stumble over the word "miscarriage". That in itself made me realise that time has passed since the incident and that obviously in the eyes of others, including my husband, it is no longer something that should be fresh with raw emotion. I on the other hand felt like I had been stabbed. I found myself crying into my pillow quietly that night and wondering where all that raw emotion has suddenly sprung from.

Then yesterday it happened again. I rang a friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to in a little while, to oragnise a pre Christmas catch up. She was happy to hear from me, we chatted for a while and then she said "I'm glad to hear you are doing well, I have wanted to call a few times but have felt awkward." I really didn't understand why she would feel awkward and suddenly tried to think back to the last time we spoke. I realised that it was by text message. She had messaged me to ask how the beta results had gone from our FET. She knew I had gotten a positive test at home and so she was anticipating a very good response from me. Instead she got a message from me explaining what was happening. That yes I was pregnant but that I was soon not going to be. We spoke a few more times that week through text message but had not had a real conversation since. She then did the whole voice lowered "so how ARE you? I'm so sorry about what happened" etc and I really didn't handle it too well. I answered the questions politely and briefly. Thanked her for her thoughts, finished the conversation and said goodbye but later in the day I lost my bundle and found myself in tears again. AGAIN wondering where all this emotion was coming from when I was fine this morning.

I'm not sure what the purpose of me posting all this to everyone is, other than to get it off my chest. It is something which really baffles me to say that least. Thanks for listening all. Have a great week.

He Did it!!!

Yay Brad had his final exam today for his course and passed with flying colours. He is now a qualified driving instructor. I am so so proud of him and I have been having conversations with Nickie about how hard Daddy has been working and how we need to give him big cuddles to show him we think he is amazing. Nickie just loves his DaDa it's beautiful. His face lights up when Brad comes home and he dives into his arms for a cuddle and buries his head into Brads neck. It makes my heart melt.

On Friday the 11th of December (which is also Rhea's due date and no appearance from bubba yet!) Brad has a job interview with one of the big drive schools in Melbourne. I am praying that it goes well and he gets a position with their school. He says he will go to any area they want him in, because the school is so well known and has a great reputation it would be great to get a start with them. It would look great on a resume. So even if he starts off in an area that is a bit of a travel he is willing to do that to get a good start in the industry.

The other half of me is scared. If he gets the position then he needs to get a car to teach in. We do have a car but Brad's car doesn't fit the schools standards. Their cars need to be less than 5 years old, which Brad's is 10 years old. They also need to be white as they will then pay to get the signage of their school logo put on the car. It is also very scary to think that where as Brad's wage paid our mortgage every month, now it will be my wage paying the mortgage and Brad's wage which will be a bit unsteady for a while while he is establishing a client base will be what pays our bills and buys us food. Since I really do like eating (haha) I am really hoping he gets the client base up and running and it doesn't take too long. I don't mind things taking a while and struggling a little while things pick up, as long as they do pick up! Brad is so excited and enthusiastic about this new career. I haven't seen him enthusiastic about his job for a long time. I want it to work out. I would hate him to go through the disappointment of it not working out and having to go back to his old job. Prayers people, Prayers!!!! haha Brad is currently at the shopping centre buying a shirt for the interview. He works a manual labour job where he gets very dirty and messy, he is not used to getting dressed up and wearing a shirt and tie.

Just a few other bits and pieces to update you on before I go:

I have had a bit of a mystery virus the last few days which thankfully I am getting over now. It started like a flu. We had my work Christmas party (remember the one I told you about that was $100 a head and caused a lot of tension at work?) and I wasn't sure if I could go because I didn't feel the best, but I didn't want to miss out after paying so much money for both Brad and I to attend. If we hadn't have been able to go then we would have lost all that money - the restaurant were not prepared to refund any portion of it. So I powered through, got ready and we went. It was a seven course meal I'm not kidding! But each course was tiny and bite sized and fancy. By the time we got to course 4 it had taken a couple hours and I was really starting to feel sick. I felt like I had a fever and also it became hard to look at light. It felt like knives piercing my eyes, the pain in my eyes and head were so bad. So Brad thought it best to take me home and I happily agreed. For the next day I was so sick with raging fever, headache, coughing etc. I went to the doctor and he said it was a virus. Thankfully today I feel a whole lot better and only really have cold like symptoms now like a cough and runny nose.

Lastly some news about Nickie, his daycare called me into the directors office when I came to collect him the other day for a chat. The director said that she wanted to make a time for Brad and I to come in to discuss Nickie as she is concerned with his gross motor development. Nickie was very slow to roll over and he is almost 11 months now and still can't sit up and doesn't crawl yet. He is completely alert, happy, intelligent, responsive etc though but he's just not a big mover. He is just so content to lay on his tummy on the floor with some toys, it's like he doesn't feel the need to put in any extra effort to do anything else. I don't know how things work in the states but here in AUS when you have a baby you get assigned a health nurse and you bring your baby in to that nurse every few months for a check. You can also call the nurse if you have questions or concerns. It is not compulsary but 90% of people do it. My health nurse was an old lady who had acted like she had read everything she knew about children out of a book and there was only one answer for everything. For example, when Nickie was cutting his first tooth I called her and said "I think Nickie is getting a tooth and it seems to be very painful. I am giving him cold wash cloths to chew on and some paracetamol, can you suggest anything else I can do for him?" She looked at his file and informed me that Nickie was only 5 months so he wouldn't be getting a tooth yet as babies don't teeth till they are 6 months. I said to her I was pretty confident that he was getting a tooth but she practically hung up on me. The next day there was a little tooth in Nickie's mouth, so I was indeed correct that he was teething.

After that I wasn't too keen on going to her but I perservered and at one stage months ago I brought up my concerns that Nickie was not attempting to crawl and that no matter what I tried he didn't seem interested. Her answer to this was to say "well you need to make him". I didn't find this at all helpful so I called the health centre and asked to change nurses. My next appointment with Nickie, I go off to the new nurse hoping to get some better advice. well, I got a complete cow of a nurse. Sorry to say that but she spoke to me rudely and was very critical of my skills as a mother. It was like she had it in her head that the reason he was slow at moving is because I must not spend any time with him. Like I put him in a bouncer in front of the TV all day. That couldn't be further from the truth. Nickie has watched TV maybe 3 times in his life. We have an Elmo DVD wrapped up under the Xmas tree for him and it will be his first ever DVD. She said to me "don't you know you have to do activities with your child!!??" I got so offended I started to cry and walked out of the appointment. I felt like the biggest fool but I thought how dare you say that to me. After I got home I rang the health centre and complained and told them I wouldn't be back to any of their nurses and that I would take Nickie to my GP for his checks from now on.

Later that week I took Nickie to my GP who was lovely and said Nickie was just a happy, content boy who was taking his time. He said he could see no developmental problems with him, he was just very chilled out and in no rush to crawl. The doctor said sometimes kids are as old as 20 months when they begin to crawl, and then again there are kids as young as 8 or 9 months who are walking. He told me to relax and said Nickie would be fine, and he would catch up down the road. Now it's two months later and the day care centre has brought it up with me.

The day care centre manager is so lovely and she said to me once again, that Nickie by no means has anything "wrong with him", but that she just doesn't want him to struggle later on down the road. She said there are a number of goals with gross motor skills that children aged 1 are "supposed" to have achieved and so far Nickie has not achieved any of them. She said she thinks he might just need a little push in the right direction to get him motivated. With our permission they can get a special qualified person come in to work with Nickie at the day care centre on a one to one basis. It won't cost us any extra as it's all government funded. Brad and I are going to go to the meeting and talk with them about it further before we decide. It's very nice to know the option is there.

I must say it is really hard when someone tells you your child is not up to the standard of other children. As parents we want to believe (and often do believe) that our child is the best at everything. The brightest, the cutest etc. When someone says to you "actually your child is behind the others" it is a big blow to your confidence as a parent and it is hard to hear. When I was telling my mum about it I got a bit teary and told her I didn't want people to think I was a bad mother because my child can't crawl. Mum pointed out to me that Nickie doesn't crawl yet because he obviously hasn't found the need to. He is happy and content. When you are happy and content why would you feel the need to strive for anything more? I have just been trying to remember that. My son is happy.

Sorry for the long post guys, I'll sign off now. Have a great weekend.

Finally some news about Cate

Just thought I would fill you all in because I have finally had a call from Cate. She decided to call me after all as she has had some unexpected news and she felt better about speaking to people. I think from the sounds of things she has been one stressed and mixed up young lady. Understandably so as she had a big scare.

Apparently the news she got from the doctor that prompted her to not want to talk to anyone was that the appearance of the cancerous tissue indicated that it was very old and the doctor was pretty certain it would have now spread to other areas of the body because it had apparently been there a long time. He did not give her a favourable outlook at all and she was preparing for the worst. In the last week and a half she has gone for numerous scans and blood work and today she was due to get all those results. She planned to fly to Melbourne over the weekend as she was anticipating having some big news to deal with.

She called me this morning and filled me in on all this because as it turned out she got her results this morning and they actually can't see any further cancer in the scans. Also her blood tests which I don't fully understand but which test for "tumor markers" came back at extremely low levels. All this points to very positive news and hopefully the cancer has not gone any further. They would like to do some more tests in the new year to be sure and also do another laparoscopy surgery too as the first one she had, the one that picked up this nasty tissue, was actually to look for endometriosis. Because they didn't go in looking for cancer that want to be sure they didn't miss any. The doctor said though that he is now optimistic and she can enjoy her Christmas and come back in Jan for these tests. Cate was so thrilled with this news she rang me and didn't see the need to wait till Sunday for a face to face talk.

Well I better sign off as I am supposed to be getting ready to go to Brad's parents house for a BBQ. Thanks everyone for your friendship and prayers.

Any day now...

Before I continue on with today's post I just want to update you all on Cate. I still don't know what's going on as I haven't spoken with Cate other than some text messages because she is still not in a frame of mind to speak with anyone. I received a text from her yesterday saying she is flying in to Melbourne for the weekend as she wants to be near her family at the moment. She has asked me to come see her on Sunday night so she can talk with me and fill me in on what's happening. I am very scared about what she is going to tell me and so because Sunday is such a long way away I am trying not to think about it. This is not because I don't care, it's because I care a lot and don't want to make myself sick with worry. My philosophy is that I may as well get through this week, hear Cate's news on Sunday and then deal with it then when I know what's going on. I wish someone: her boyfriend or her family would give me a call to let me in on what's happening instead of making me sit and wait and worry for a whole week but then when I say that aloud it sounds very selfish. So I have decided to just let it be and we will see what the future holds on Sunday. Please continue to pray for Cate.

Onto something nicer - as I said I am trying to get through the week with some sense of normality - Rhea is due on Dec 11 so she only has a short time left of her pregnancy. She saw her OB last Fri and he said "your next appointment is in a week's time but I have a feeling I'll see you again before then!" so we are thinking it could be any day that we welcome a little baby boy into our family. She is feeling pretty nervous about the labour, yet very excited. She can't wait to be a Mum. It will be really nice to be an aunty again. I do have a neice and nephew (my sister's kids) but because of the situation with my sister I don't get to see them much at all. I really do miss them a lot. I also have some inherited neices and nephews courtesy of Brad's other sister, Kaye. They live in another state though and I have only met both Kaye and her kids a handful of times. Brad and Kaye have never been close like he and Rhea are as there is an age gap of about 15 years between them. Brad's father was married to Kaye's mother and then she passed away from cancer. Quite a while after that Brad's father remarried and had Rhea and Brad with his new wife. So Brad and Rhea's mother is not Kaye's mother. Combined with the age gap there is all that "I'm only a half sister" kind of silly jealousy that happens sometimes in families. Kaye has always thought that Rhea and Brad were closer and excluded her etc. Brad has told me they probably did exclude her a bit when they were kids, but not in a horrible way like that. Only in the innocent way that kids of a certain age are going to automatically want to play with other kids closer to that age. When you are 2 you don't want to play with a 15 year old. Anyway they do get on now that everyone is an adult, but there is a bit of tension there and they will never be close buddies.

We are very anxious to hear the name of the new baby as we do know he is a boy, but Rhea and Paul have kept his name a secret. I think they actually have really enjoyed teasing me saying "haha we know something you don't know" because I am so impatient to know everything and even though I love surprises I don't do waiting very well! haha So as well as seeing my new nephew, I am dying to know what his name is going to be. He has some presents wrapped under our Christmas tree with no name on the tag because I am waiting to know what name to write! I also can't wait to see Nickie playing with his cousin in time to come. I hope they will get on and be great friends.

Lastly - some other exciting news: Brad has for the last 6 months been completing a course to become a driving instructor. I am very proud of him because he has worked very hard. This Saturday is his last class and his big exam and then if he passes he will finally be a qualified instructor. He has an interview lined up for next week with one of the major driving schools here in Melbourne. They are very interested in hiring him. I have everything crossed he will pass and that everything will go well and he will get that job. Because it is a complete career change for him it feels a bit nerve wracking too. I hope that when he becomes an instructor that he loves it and also that it pays the bills. I really want him to be happy but of course we need to eat and pay the mortgage too haha. So fingers crossed for all that is happening on that front too.

Have a good week everyone. Happy December!

Some news about my friend Cate

I'm sorry for falling behind in my emails and all of your blogs this past week. Please know I am still reading and plan on catching up with you all but it has been a bit of a tough week so it has gotten on top of me for the moment.

You might all recall my friend Cate was hospitalised in severe pain a little while ago. She lives in Sydney with her boyfriend and they were in Melbourne to attend a wedding when she had a sudden onset of abdominal pain and was admitted to hospital over here. For those that don't remember she was eventually diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome which, because it had gone untreated and unnoticed for so long, had gotten very out of hand and was causing such bad pain. When she was discharged and flew back to Sydney she was referred to a specialist for follow up care in Sydney. The specialist agreed that she had IBS but didn't agree that it was the sole cause of that amount of pain. Because the bowel is close to the reproductive area he sent Cate to a specialist in that field to rule out ovarian cysts and things like that.

After seeing the new specialist he was quite confident she had severe endometriosis and Cate went in to hospital again for some surgery to confirm that diagnosis and fix the problem (remove the endo) on Friday November 13. The doctor said he would be unable to stay long after the procedure and that when she woke up in recovery the nurses would tell her the main gyst of the surgery and then he would see her a few days later at a post operative appointment. She woke up and the nurses said that yes she had endometriosis and that it had been removed, but that it had been quite an extensive surgery and she should expect some painful days ahead while she recovered.

The following Tuesday the 17th she saw the specialist for the post op check and he showed her some photos of some funny looking tissue that he had discovered in her uterus while removing the endo. Cate asked him what it was and he said he had never come across it before in 30 years of being in his profession and that he had sent the tissue to pathology. We had a nervous wait until Friday the 20th to get the pathology results.

On Friday afternoon I got a text from Cate that she has got pathology results and the doctor says it is a slow growing cancer. The fact that it is cancerous was bad obviously but the fact it was slow growing seemed positive. Because the doctor was inexperienced with it he said he would prefer to consult with some experts in the area on a plan of action and then speak to her on Monday the 23rd when he would know more.

After receiving the text I have tried calling a few times and have been unsuccessful in getting an answer. I tried again tonight, knowing that she would have spoken to the doctor regarding the prognosis and plan of action for the cancer. No answer again. Then two seconds after I hung up my phone I get another text from Cate again saying she will call in the next few days as she heard from the doctor on Monday and is unable to talk to people at this point in time. She said she just doesn't feel up to it.

I am very worried as I am guessing the fact that she is unable to talk to me, her best friend of 15 years, means that the news has been quite a shock for her. This indicates to me that it was not good news. I really hope she is dealing with things ok emotionally as well as physically. She only moved away to Sydney in August and I wish she was here close by. I'm sure she has lots of support from her boyfriend though as he is a lovely person. Please keep her in your prayers.

My Christmas Wish

We are approaching that special time of year again and it always seems to make me feel reflective, both about the time gone by and about life in general. Then I read Dianne's beautiful post tonight and it made me want to say something. I'll try and get it out in understandable form!

There's a John Mayer song called "The Heart of Life" which I think I have quoted before at some stage, but I'm mentioning it again because it is a song that really speaks to me. I listened to it so much while TTC Nickie. The song goes "pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around, No it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good."

I really believe that. Life is damn hard sometimes and it can bring you to your knees. But deep down, under the surface, life really is good. It's not always easy to see what's good. Sometimes you will have to squint to see what's good. But there is always something, I promise.

When Nickie smiles I see how great life is. There is nothing better than seeing your child happy. The happiness of babies is so pure and innocent and unclouded by the superficial wants that us grown ups have. We all want something more than what we have and we are never fully satisfied. I am the first one to admit that I can get so caught up in what I don't have, that I lose sight of what I do have and how lucky I am. We all want a faster car, a bigger house, a better job, or in my case a second baby. Babies don't have these wants. They are so thrilled with everything about the world and so happy. I know in my heart that inevitably as he grows up he will lose this to an extent. It makes me sad to know that one day his heart will ache for something that feels out of reach. I want him to keep his innocent happiness for as long as he can.

Every Christmas for the last few years Brad and I have decorated our tree, then placed the star right at the top while we both held on to it and made a wish that one day we would have a baby. Last Christmas, I was pregnant. We decorated our tree and then when we picked up the star we both burst into tears and realised we didn't need to wish anymore as it was already coming true. Now another Christmas is rolling around again and our baby is here and I am so happy I can't believe it. Thinking back to how it was on the other side of the tunnel makes me feel happy for how far we have come and all we have gained this year, rather than what we lost.

This year my Christmas wish when Brad and I pick up the star is for all of you lovely ladies out there in blog land who I have had the pleasure of meeting since coming here, who are yet to have their miracle. I just want you all to have your babies. Please know that on Decmber first when we decorate our tree, we will be making that wish for you. Christmas is a special time and it is only fair to use it to honour special people.

Office politics

Most of the time I enjoy my job, but every now and then (and I don't think you can escape this in ANY job) office politics get in the way. Yesterday I came home from work quite satisfied with myself for standing up for what I believe in. Here is what happened:



Quite a while ago my manager, knowing that she would be in the middle of her maternity leave over the Christmas period and not at work to give this matter her full attention, gave the job of organising our annual team Christmas party to somebody else. The lady that got given this task I am going to call "D". A bit of background into D is that she is quite a wealthy lady and kind of only works for something to do, rather than for the money. She and her husband have a million dollar house and she wears designer clothes. Her husband is a surgeon. This is all totally fine, but what is not fine is the fact that there have been incidences in the past when she has really rubbed this fact in everybody's faces. She also often suggests ideas for team events and so forth that the average person really can't afford as I don't think she understands what it's like for money to be scarce.



Anyway she never took a vote within the team or anything about what we all wanted to do for our Christmas party. Usually it is a dinner at a restaurant. Last year it was at a little Mexican place near work. It was about $20 a head, we could bring partners and it was a lot of fun as well as being affordable, even though it wasn't a 5 star gourmet place. At the time though, D made sure everybody knew it was very beneath her to eat food like nachos. This year D has taken it upon herself to book in for an exclusive restaurant in the city. The cost is $100 a head which makes it $200 if you want to bring your partner. That is out of reach of most of us in the team. Because at the time, our manager was heavily pregnant and just finishing up at work before starting her leave, she didn't do anything to make D organise a more suitable outing and so all the plans went ahead and we are having this party that hardly anyone can afford to go to and as a result lots of people are boycotting. This has caused a lot of tension in the team for the last couple of weeks.



Usually within our team at Christmas we do a Secret Santa. For those of you who don't know what that is it is the same as a Kris Kringle where you put everyone's name in a hat then everyone draws a name and you have to buy a present for that person. We usually exchange gifts at the Christmas party but because so many people aren't going now we have decided to have a "bring a plate of food" day at work the Monday before Christmas and exchange gifts then. Usually the person who organises the Christmas party also organises Secret Santa because they are kind of related, but because of all the trouble, our new manager decided to allocate this task to someone other than D. I volunteered as I thought at least if I run it I know I will do the right thing. Our manager announced I would be running it so right away I get all these people coming up to me giving ideas on what they think the money limit should be on the gifts and new ways to run it etc. So last week I called a 5 minute team meeting to talk to everyone about it. I said that the running of Secret Santa this year was going to be a democratic process to make sure we did what was fair and what the majority of people would be happy with. I explained I would be sending out a team email with some questions about how people wanted it run and that everybody had to email back so that it would be like a confidential vote. I added for people to remember that this is supposed to be a fun activity not something designed to stress people or burden them financially and that was why I was going with what the majority would be comfortable doing.



I sent out an email asking people 1. whether or not they wanted to participate in Secret Santa 2. to nominate what $ limit they would be comfortable spending, and 3. Did they want a traditional Secret Santa or did they have any ideas on any new fun ways it could be done? There are 20 of us in the team at work and the results went like this:

Everyone said yes they wanted to participate

Out of 20 people, 17 people said they wanted a $15 limit and the other 3 said higher than that.

Out of 20 people, 16 people said they just wanted a traditional Secret Santa, 2 gave ideas for a new way to run it, and the other 2 never answered the question and said they didn't mind how it was done.

So with a pretty overwhelming majority, yesterday I sent an email out saying that after considering everyone's preferences we would be doing a traditional Secret Santa with a $15 limit on the gift buying. Everyone seemed really happy that they had had a say and people were excited about doing it. But guess who started to voice her opinion and the fact that she had issues with it? You guessed it! D! First she says to me "traditional Secret Santa is boring. It's been done. We need to do something new." and then proceeds to tell me about how her family always does it. Apparently everyone buys a unisex present then someone selects one and opens it, then the next person can either choose to select another present or take the first person's gift off them if they like it better. I politely listened to her and then said that out of 20 team members 16 had voted for a traditional Secret Santa so that's what I have to go with. I also said that I thought the "taking people's presents" idea had the potential to cause arguements but told her thanks for her idea. After that, twice more throughout the day she tried to convince me why we should do Secret Santa her way and I met her comments with a very simalar comment to what I said earlier.



Then she started saying how a $15 limit was measly, that the team must be a bunch of cheapskates if they can't afford more than that. She asked me to tell her who said $15 so she could convince them to spend more. I said no that the vote was confidential and that it was a vast majority that voted for the $15 limit. Several more times she comes up to me and loud enough for everyone to hear made rude comments about people being pathetic not wanting to spend more than $15. I got really angry as she was upsetting everyone and so I went to my manager and told her what was happening. I said that she was welcome to address the issue with D personally if she felt it more appropriate, but that I wanted her to stop D from behaving this way, and that as Secret Santa is my project that D is ruining I feel I am entitled to address the issue with her provided I didn't get aggressive. My manager agreed and called a meeting with the 3 of us.



D walks in and thinks it is about the Christmas party so she didn't realise she was "in trouble" so to speak. My manager explains she has called the meeting as D's behaviour towards the Christmas celebrations has been unfavourable and that I have been upset and made a complaint. She had a talk to D about how and why her behaviour had been unacceptable and then let me talk. I was very calm and tactful but I told the truth and it all came out beautifully. I explained how the Secret Santa is being ruined by her selfish attitude, that she was hurting people's feelings by calling them cheapskates, that I had taken a vote to try to do what was fair and that the idea behind votes is to go with the majority not with what one person wants. I also gave her the oppurtunity to withdraw from the Secret Santa if she was that unhappy with it. My manager and I then gave D the option to talk but she suddenly went quiet. All that big talk she does all day escaped her and she had nothing left to say except to apologise to me which I accepted. I said to her I like coming in to work and I like the friendly team atmosphere and so I hope we can be friends as it was not my intention to be aggressive or yell at her, that I was just trying to sort out an issue with her by talking with her about it.



For the rest of the day she never said a peep about Secret Santa and was nice to everyone including me. I was very proud of myself as I really think she was being a real bully and I think standing up to a bully is always a positive thing.

Family, Friends and God

These last few days I seem to have clicked over into a pretty good place and have really felt thankful for the three things I have mentioned in today's post title. I thought in honor of this I would just do an update post on what's happening in my life at the moment and at the end I would like to share a really special story about something that happened to me the other day which I am still reeling about. Before you ask, no I'm not pregnant but it is something really amazing.

I know I try and maintain my anonymity as best as I can but I thought I might include a pic or two and I've decided I'm comfortable doing so. Here goes:

Nickie: First and formost I will start with my little boy, the absolute light of my life. He is growing so fast, has three teeth and a fourth one has just come through ever so slightly but you can only see a tiny bit of white. He says 4 words: Dada, Nan, Bub and as of last week Mama, which was an absolute joy to hear I can tell you. He is just over 9 months old and we are gearing up for his first Christmas in December. I am extremely excited about this. I am looking forward to decorating the tree with him as even though he can't really help much he is very intrigued by visual things so I think he will love the lights and all the tinsel. I really want to take him to see Santa at the shopping centre as well and get a photo. My favourite time of day with him is when he has just woken up first thing in the morning. He is always so incredibly happy then and in a silly playful mood, it is really beautiful. Below is a pic of him waking up from his nap yesterday.

Brad: Nothing much to report on my husband other than we are in a great place right now. We just celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary last week, and even though we were still not feeling great from our stomach virus, we did still get to go for our night away and had a great time. Other than that all I can say is he continues to be a wonderful source of strength and love for me and I'm very lucky to have such a wonderful husband.

Rhea: My SIL is now 32 weeks pregnant and looking and feeling great. They have only just started doing all their preparation for the baby's arrival. I think after losing their first pregnancy last year they were really heartbroken and not wanting to tempt fate by getting excited too early. Rhea was telling me yesterday that the car seat has been installed and that she had purchased a painting that she saw of a giraffe for the nursery. She sounded extremely happy. Fingers crossed for a safe delivery and a healthy happy bubs in early December. Baby is due Dec 11. Rhea has been a great support to me these past few months since I miscarried, because she has been there before and is familiar with all the emotions involved. I don't like to talk about it too much with her now though because I want her to enjoy her happy time.

My sister: It appears that my sister is indeed pregnant as I might have mentioned to you before that we were unsure if she genuinely was expecting, or whether she had invented the story. People might think we were harsh for thinking she would lie and make up such an important thing, but she has made up things like cancer scares, illnesses, friends that she has met who turned out to not be real, jobs that she has gotten that have also turned out to be fake. The list goes on. She told us two years ago that she and her husband had bought a house. She even took us to see the house complete with a sold sign. She told us very lengthy stories like how it was walking distance to the kid's school, how it took only 3 minutes to walk to the shops etc. We bought her gifts for the house, like table runners and towels and saucepans. The story kept going all the way up to supposed settlement day when she then had to finally admit that they had not actually bought the house at all. This is why it is a great disappointment to me to find that the pregnancy is real, as I believe my sister is very unwell psychologically and I feel sad that another child is being subjected to that kind of life. Both her kids are struggling at the moment. They live with their Dad now. They fluctuate between being completely off the rails and unruly and being quiet and withdrawn. I have included the update on my sister more to ask you all for your continued prayers for my sister and the baby. While I have made my choice to not have contact with her, I still pray she gets the help she needs, that she can get herself well and together and that the baby will be happy and healthy and the same for her two kids already here. Also just to let you know that she is due late Feb apparently. I think I will struggle with this at the time because my due date for the baby I lost would have been March 6. I hope I can deal with that ok.

Mum and Dad: Last time I spoke about them I told you all about the whole Nickie's car seat incident which blew up into a big family feud. It was really ridiculous and I still don't understand why it somehow ended up being my fault. It has all blown over now and we are all back to our old selves. Mum still isn't minding Nickie regularly although she does help me out from time to time which is great. I must say I am still a little annoyed by the whole situation but i think it has turned out to be a good thing. It has prompted me to be more assertive with my folks. My parents are very attached to me, I suppose because of my sister, and they can be a bit possessive of me. An example of this is for Christmas every year I have to tiptoe around and make sure they are not offended in any way by us spending too much time with Brad's family and not enough with them. If for example we leave their house too early on Christmas day to start going over to Brad's to see his family, we will definitely hear about it. And not just in passing it will be a big "they got half an hour extra of your time than we did" rant. For many years this has caused me a lot of stress. The car seat incident has really brought it home to me that while I love them and 80% of the time they are fabulous, the other 20% of the time they can be really unfairly demanding. This has prompted me to make some drastic changes for the better. For example, last week I laid down the law in regards to this Christmas. I called my parents and said that Christmas is supposed to be special and relaxing and that every Christmas my day is ruined by keeping everyone happy and travelling in the car to all different places to see every person. Now that we have a child we have decided we don't want the stress of that for now and that everyone is invited to our place for either lunch or dinner, whatever they preferred. I am going to cook a turkey and ham and have everything ready for people to show up. I said "If you show up for lunch, great. If you show up for dinner, great. If you just want to come for an hour or two for coffee and go somewhere else for lunch or dinner, great. But we will be here and are not leaving the house." It went over really well and has eliminated a lot of stress for me that is usually there keeping me awake in the holiday season.

Friends: I have such wonderful friends I am very lucky. Whether its my work friends or you guys here in blog land, or my friends from other aspects of my life you have all been so caring. An old friend of mine, Jack, that I used to play in a band with in my early 20's took me and Nickie out for lunch yesterday and it was such fun. It just highlighted to me the importance of good friendship and how it can get you through the toughest of times.

Lastly and most importantly, there is God.

My faith has wavered at different points in my life, but I have really felt God there for me during these last few months since having the miscarriage. Even so, I still don't go to church. I used to but during the infertility I really had a falling out with God and stopped going and I have kind of been too ashamed to go back. Lately I have been feeling like I want and need to go back to church and have been trying to work up the courage to go to a local one. My old church was where we used to live which is almost an hours drive so I would like to find one closer to home. I always get nervous about going somewhere new where there will be no one I know so I haven't worked up the courage yet.

The other day, something wonderful happened which made me marvel at how great God really is, and how loving. I have really struggled with the fact that the baby I lost is someone I will never know. I wonder whether it was a boy or a girl, whether it would have loved the water like Nickie does, wther it would have been a good sleeper. It keeps me awake at night knowing that I will never know who that baby was and who it would have become. Brad and I decided to plant something in our garden as a tribute and we decided also that it was only fair that Nickie got a tree too. In our garden right outside of our kitchen window, so whenever I make my coffee of a morning, or cook dinner in the evening it's the first thing I see, are two crab apple trees. One for Nickie and one for our angel baby. When we bought them they were not flowering so the only way of telling what colour the blossoms would be was by the label on the plant. We chose a red blossom for Nickie that had flecks of dark purple through them - so dark that they look blue. That was as close as we could get to a "boy coloured" blossom. For our angel we chose soft yellow, not knowing if we had a little boy or girl up in heaven. I have been praying lately for God to give me peace that I will never know whether our baby was a boy or a girl. Then one day this week I woke up and made my coffee, looked out the kitchen window and saw that the buds on our baby's "yellow" blossom had finally opened up. But look what I saw!!!:

PINK!!! The plant had the wrong label on it when we chose it and we ended up with a pink one! Maybe this is God's way of telling me something about my baby, so that I can know one small little detail about who my baby was. That is how I am taking it, and I can't tell you how much peace that little detail has given me. God is amazing and I am so thankful.

I wish you all a wonderful week. And apologies for my bad pic posting skills, I'm still learning how to insert the pics in my posts!